My DD told me to get an abortion.

[Wowokthanks]

I've name changed because I know a few people who use MN,

I would be telling her to wind her bloody neck in and have some respect. Sheesh.

Ugh

My eldest (17) was on about this drop shipping thing the other week, I really hope he didn't hear about it from that pea headed moron Tate 😞

I told him it sounds like scammy BS and anyone who thinks they can get rich from that needs to have a word with them selves

It sounds like jealousy. Your relationship must have changed since your second DC was born. Maybe it has been harder on her than she is letting on. And having another child will change your relationship again. She's a teenager, they're all selfish and think they know everything, it's your job to guide her.

Sorry. Started my post then the gas man arrived so missed the update.

She sounds sensible and isn't too put upon. Good to have had discussions about women's reproductive rights and abortion too. She is the right age for that.

It may happen that she wants an abortion herself in years to come. I know that she has upset you but please don't overplay people regretting them. Not everyone does, by any means.

@JustFrustrated Ah that must have been so rough for you. I always think the impact of much younger siblings on teens must be huge.

I’m an accidental pregnancy outcome, it’s obvious as my siblings are way older than me, 20 year gap is the largest. My older siblings hated the disruption. My sister that’s 14 years older than me always says I ruined her teen years as she was made to babysit. Last time it was mentioned she was about 65 @whiteroseredrose your friend felt exactly like my sister.

Exactly what I’m thinking.
She sounds very spoiled over-indulged, and only has to ask and it’s given so why wouldn’t she expect you to do as she asks/demands? That’s how you’ve brought her up.
She sounds completely fixated on money and possessions, perhaps that’s how teenagers are nowadays?

Your having another baby IS her business- it will have a massive effect on her- she has already experienced this with her other sibling.
I've seen before on mumsnet the clear impact much younger siblings can have on teens and how dismissive parents can be of anything that might be a negative for the older child. I'm not saying a much younger sibling doesn't also bring happiness to the teen but they absolutely take the parents' time and attention in a way that a sibling with a smaller age gap would not.
At secondary school teens need their parents emotionally and, frankly, you're not going to be very available in the throes of yet more baby/toddler years.
Anyone criticising her supposed insensitivity clearly doesn't understand teenagers! It's not up to her to pussyfoot around your feelings: no she doesn't understand what abortion can mean emotionally but that isn't her problem.
She knows the toll that having another, much younger sibling will take on her though.

I talk about the cost of living crisis, and have frequent conversations with DH about his financial decisions but we have access to money.

Tbh she sounds pretty sensible.

Obviously she is worried that you’re not going to be able to afford another baby and perhaps her concerns stems from knowing what a struggle it was financially for you when you had her.

I would explain to her that you aren’t worried about money and that you are very well off compared to most but due to things increasing then you just have these conversations to keep yourselves within budget.

I know someone who wasn’t eating at school or sending letters home for school trips because they were so worried about money as their parents kept discussing it.
(I later found out that dads a plumber and mum is a SAHP by choice so not hard done by).

I think we can sometimes forget how our worries can become our children’s worries.

If you want this baby then have it.
Surely lots of people told you to have an abortion at 17 and so I don’t know why this has hit such a nerve.

Do you think you feel guilty that your DD didn’t have as good of a childhood as her younger siblings will?
As a teen mum myself I do often feel guilty that my DD didn’t have what some children had.

I'm not sure why you are so upset, plenty of teens wouldn't be pleased about 2 babies in the home. She was a bit rude but teens often are, maybe a talk about respect but you can't expect her to be delighted and no big lectures about abortion she may feel she may need one herself in the next few years

Op, this is unacceptable in my opinion. She has no right or place to even voice such a thing. She is 14, a teenager and you are the adult. I hope you are

Was it an initial reaction? She is likely feeling jealous that another person will be taking your attention away. Assuming she has some big exams coming up and life changes, she might be worried she will not have your full support.

She probably feels like you have another little family now. Especially since she won't even physically be there if she is at uni. The two little ones will be siblings to each other but to be honest she probably still feels like an only child.

I also had lofty ambitions when I was 15/16 about what I was going to do with my career and how I looked down on my parents 'small life'. They still earn more than I do and they are retired now! Teens are just full of crap so I wouldn't worry about that part.

Kids are notoriously selfish.

I bugged my mam for siblings because I didn't understand her health circumstances... I just wanted what everyone else had. I finally got a sibling a decade or so later, I was not unhappy at all but being older the excitement has waned. I left home at 16 when my sibling was still in pre-school.

Given that my sibling was from a second marriage I did worry I was being 'replaced'. I never said it but I felt it (and it was kind of true, I know my mam always loved me but my step-dad did 'push me out of the nest').

My oldest also bugged me for a sibling. I went through 10 years of secondary infertility trying for another, plus cancer, a MMC and IVF, finally got pregnant when he was 10. He cried... they where NOT happy tears.

We then had a magic surprise pregnancy (typical 10 years of trying and then one once we stop) a few years later and he locked himself in the bathroom crying and refused to talk to anyone.

He utterly ADORES both his siblings now and did from the second they where born.

Teenagers aren't the most empathetic people! Sounds like she made a very flippant comment (perhaps coming from a selfish place, thinking that if you have another baby then it would mean less money, which in turn would negatively impact her).

I know that makes her sound terrible, but I just think teenagers are quite selfish and often don't think about the bigger picture. I don't think she had any thought about how that comment might have hurt you.

I would just sit her down and explain what you've said here - that financially you can support another child and that your excited to have another baby after struggling to conceive for years. Remind her that she should be careful making comments about someone's personal choices, that it was a heartless comment and hurt you.

Also maybe ask her to explain why she thinks your not doing well financially, when she's been on holidays, to gigs and is given regular spending money ?

Sorry, I meant to say - I hope you are ok and congratulations!!

She is obviously scared. Re-money -- she will need to go to university soon enough. How will you be able to afford that with a new baby?

This.

she’s still a child. You probably need to sit her down and explain how this demand of hers is unkind and listen to her reasons.
maybe she’s worried there won’t be enough money to continue to spoil her the way she is with another kid around.

I completely agree yet it's so often dismissed on threads like this because apparently the parents' desire for another baby is more important than the impact on the existing children.

Obviously everyone is free to make their own choices but it's hardly surprising that a 15yo is a bit pissed off about suddenly having to deal with two very young siblings.

My DH was the youngest by a considerable way and the resentment from his older siblings was huge. His parents were also much better off by the time he came along and his childhood was definitely much nicer and easier than theirs had been, which didn't help matters.

They're all adults now and barely have a relationship.

If dd is spoilt then why would anyone be angry at dd? It's the adults that have spoilt her. Everyone keeps saying 'she sounds totally spoilt and entitled' like it's her fault it's happened.

Who wants two baby siblings when they're 15? I think her distain and desire for 'better' things are good. If she couldn't wait for another baby and thought maybe she should get pregnant at the same time so they'd be like siblings, then it would be worrying.

I think you're underestimating how much stability teens still need, and having one baby and then getting pregnant with another shortly after is not really considering her needs IMO. I have a teenager and couldn't even imagine it, he would be horrified.

I love my sister (11 years younger). But yes, I was made to babysit, basically parent her etc. and was burdened with so much responsibility and guilt in my teens and twenties. I have been working through that resentment but every now and then it just bubbles up.

and I was obviously directly impacted by the massive financial impact this had on my mother’s earning potential…

it was better with my DF’s 2 sons / my half brothers, who are even younger than my DSis. But it wasn’t always easy either. Feeling like an outsider, child friendly activities when going to my DF etc. My half brothers and I get along very well, but we do not have a “traditional” sibling relationship. I think I have more of a young aunt / older cousin role 🤔🤔

She’s 15. She needs to be a kid. She is a kid.

uni fees = Uni loan. Why are u expecting op to pay for this like it’s normal lol

We have all been teenagers... several of us IN her position and no I would NEVER had said that, its actually abhorrent that those words left her mouth.

She will be feeling pushed out I expect. All my siblings are half siblings from my Dad's first marriage. There's a big age gap (16-20 years) and they grew up together. They're very close, they're similar ages and had a shared childhood. I don't have any of that with them, we grew up in very different places, in different decades. I've always been the odd one out.

Your DD has the reverse of that. She's the oldest and they will be full siblings, close in age and with shared childhoods she will be excluded from.

She may also be worrying about the impact of two small children on her GCSE and A level revision, your ability to take her to Uni open days etc.

The abortion comment is very out of order though.

I was born after 3 kids. Eldest age gap 13 years. She says I was the best thing that ever happened to her. All 3 siblings wanted a baby sis or brother. Even if they were teen/approaching that age. And back then money WAS an issue.

@Kyokyo ,

I think if we always validate teens’ feelings and don’t explain to them why they are not appropriate (to voice them, at least), then they will legitimately believe that they are the most important person there.

I have been surprised by teens in both directions (as a teacher), both by how wantonly cruel they can be, but also how kind and empathetic some are.

It is up to parents and teachers to encourage the ‘good’ bits and discourage the bad. In this case, IMO, it means explaining that they won’t be bankrupt, but she will have to take the sibling as part of the very nice package deal she is enjoying with her parents.