Page 2 | My DD told me to get an abortion.

Wowokthanks · 2023-07-21T06:40:35+00:00

I've name changed because I know a few people who use MN,

Whattodo112222 · 21/07/2023 08:06

Is she worried about anything? You forcing her to help with the baby or providing childcare as she's much older? Perhaps the impact of having 2 small siblings as she's approaching her gcse's? I agree it's not her place to suggest an abortion, but as a mother I would dig down deeper into what's caused her to say this to you as its obviously going to impact her hugely

LobsterCrab · 21/07/2023 08:06

I think at 15yo, she isn't old enough to properly understand the emotional distress of having an abortion. To her it's more like a choice "shall I have a baby or not?" And she's thinking that it would be better not. Teens tend to have very black and white thought processes. I honestly don't think she means this to be as hurtful as it would be if an older person said it.

MichelleScarn · 21/07/2023 08:06

Wowokthanks · 21/07/2023 08:00

Sorry, I posted with my first half sentence, not even sure how.
DD is 15. Its unlike her to be unkind, but recently I guess she's got it into her head she's going to make big big money when she leaves education, and that our careers have been insignificant. I get the impression we're just so "little" compared to where she views her life going.

Does she have an actual career planned, doctor, accountant, engineer or is she going to be a 'sleb influencer'?

Iamclearlyamug · 21/07/2023 08:07

To be honest I'd start by stopping paying for so much for her - she sounds like the reason she doesn't want another sibling is because she's afraid the bank of mum and dad might stop!

SavedbytheBe11 · 21/07/2023 08:07

She will learn as she matures . Don't take it to heart.

Overtiredagain · 21/07/2023 08:09

Of course you shouldn't have an abortion. However you should have a serious conversation with her. You have inadvertently created a feeling of lack in her wrt finances. She'll always feel poor no matter how rich she is unless she develops an accurate understanding of finances.

Whinge · 21/07/2023 08:09

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/07/2023 08:05

I can kind of understand a 15yo being mortified at the idea that her parents are having sex - I mean, obviously she knows it happens but you can just ignore it when there isn't an actual baby involved.

I suspect she's using money worries to hide the real reason behind her anger - maybe she doesn't want another baby in the house when she's in the middle of her GCSE's? Maybe she's resentful because she's gone from being an only child to having two small siblings in a very short space of time?

I'm not saying what she said was acceptable but I can kind of understand why she's not thrilled at the idea.

I agree. She already has a much younger sibling and the reality of another baby will be a bit of a shock. She may be worried about disruption especially with her GCSE exams and if she's overhearing conversations about finances she might be worried things are more of a struggle than you're letting on.

marblesthecat · 21/07/2023 08:10

Tbh I can see why a 15 year old would feel this way. It's a difficult age and I'd have felt the same if my Mum had got pregnant when I was that age. Agree with the poster that says teens have black and white thought processes.

However she does also sound spoilt and entitled. Throwing clothes away after 1-2 uses? Seriously? As in actually throwing them in the bin?

mycoffeecup · 21/07/2023 08:10

She's what 15 or 16 now? so faced with you being tied up with a newborn, when she really needs your support at GCSE/A level/careers decision time. I wouldn't be happy in her shoes either. It wasn't a nice thing to say, but put yourself in her position. She must feel like you're starting a new family and she's left out.

Inkpotlover · 21/07/2023 08:10

Putting her comment aside for a moment, you mention that you are worried about the CoL crisis and your DH's "financial decisions" and that you are "just about" putting food on the table but equally you have access to money for all her trips and trainers. What state are your finances really in? Are you relying on credit/in debt to get by? Is her concern about the financial impact on the family actually justified?

DisquietintheRanks · 21/07/2023 08:13

LobsterCrab · 21/07/2023 08:06

I think at 15yo, she isn't old enough to properly understand the emotional distress of having an abortion. To her it's more like a choice "shall I have a baby or not?" And she's thinking that it would be better not. Teens tend to have very black and white thought processes. I honestly don't think she means this to be as hurtful as it would be if an older person said it.

This. And although I am in no way suggesting you should terminate, it is absolutely true that the appearance of a second sibling is going to negatively impact her.

So no she shouldn't have said it and no you should have no guilt whatsoever in continuing with this pregnancy but I can understand how it got said.

As an aside my sister went from bring an only child at 13 to having 3 younger siblings by 17. Although she loves us now there's no doubt it was a rough transition for her, despite our parents best efforts and general optimism.

Janieforever · 21/07/2023 08:13

Inkpotlover · 21/07/2023 08:10

Putting her comment aside for a moment, you mention that you are worried about the CoL crisis and your DH's "financial decisions" and that you are "just about" putting food on the table but equally you have access to money for all her trips and trainers. What state are your finances really in? Are you relying on credit/in debt to get by? Is her concern about the financial impact on the family actually justified?

I wondered this, “ access to money” is an unusual way to phrase it and I don’t understand how you can be worried about putting food on the table but also have all this money for the extras. It is contradictory.

OhmygodDont · 21/07/2023 08:14

A screaming newborn and then toddler ontop of an already toddler during gcse years and what not. Yeah I’m betting that’s why she’s said it and used money as the acceptable reason.

The teen years just get harder again and more demanding at gcse/a level stages it’s when she’s going to need the most input again since she was a baby.

Also do you / did you ask her to help a lot with the current sibling? Is she scared she’s going to have to spend all her free time helping a crying pooping baby? Rather than revising or actually getting down time from revising.

Obviously she should have been more diplomatic overall but she’s 15.

WandaWonder · 21/07/2023 08:14

She may be worried you will use her for childcare?

LaMaG · 21/07/2023 08:14

Totally get why she doesn't want another baby around, babies are annoying if you don't enjoy them. Her head is probably wrecked from the 15 mth olds demands and she is afraid she will be the babysitter. But she is way out of order here, just an insensitive teenage brat. Maybe tell her someone told you the same thing when you were pregnant with her, that will shut her up!!

Rosieposy89 · 21/07/2023 08:15

She sounds completely spoilt. You never say no to her, so her reaction is unsurprising. She is used to getting her own way on everything

GiraffeDoor · 21/07/2023 08:17

Two little ones close in age changes the dynamic massively. She possibly feels like they'll be "proper" siblings, and she'll be the outsider in her own home.

I would talk this through really openly with her, and I would make sure I had plans in place in advance of the baby coming to ensure you still have plenty of time with/for your eldest (for example, not having to take the little ones with you to parents' evenings, or 6th form open days etc)

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/07/2023 08:18

Inkpotlover · 21/07/2023 08:10

Putting her comment aside for a moment, you mention that you are worried about the CoL crisis and your DH's "financial decisions" and that you are "just about" putting food on the table but equally you have access to money for all her trips and trainers. What state are your finances really in? Are you relying on credit/in debt to get by? Is her concern about the financial impact on the family actually justified?

OP says they're "not just about managing to put food on the table" or that they are struggling to do it.

FoodFann · 21/07/2023 08:19

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

This isn’t about money. Like you say, it certainly doesn’t sound like you’re living like you have money troubles. Multiple trips to USA and France, gigs etc, is a very wealthy lifestyle. Maybe she doesn’t want another sibling taking a slice of ‘her’ pie.

But, that’s irrelevant. What is relevant here is that your DD had the audacity and the insensitivity to tell you, another woman, with your own body, to get an abortion. If it was anyone else she was throwing this ‘advice’ out to, how would you feel? I would be disgusted in her, she needs to have a serious chat with you and her father to reeducate her on having respect for other people’s bodies and what an abortion actually entails physically and mentally.

I’m almost completely against abortions, so her willy-nilly attitude to killing a baby worries me. Does she have any idea of the seriousness of the procedure or does she think it’s as emotionless as taking a sweetie? You said she throws her clothes away when she feels like it, does she have the same attitude to babies? IMHO, that is very disturbing, especially as she enters her womanhood and needs to take responsibility for her own ability to bear children.

WaltzingWaters · 21/07/2023 08:20

could it be that she’s worried another sibling will take time and attention away from her? Or that she’ll have to babysit lots? Has much changed with the relationship between you and her since your DS came along?
It’s probably a bit of fear of losing more mum time. Of course you shouldn’t get an abortion, but reassure her you’ll always have time for her.
Of course she could also just be a spoiled teen saying mean things and scared that the bank of mum and dad will thin out with another sibling. Sounds very wasteful only wearing outfits a couple times and throwing them out. That needs to stop!

Congratulations on the pregnancy OP. I hope your Dd changes her attitude and shows more love and excitement towards a new sibling.

Inkpotlover · 21/07/2023 08:22

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/07/2023 08:18

OP says they're "not just about managing to put food on the table" or that they are struggling to do it.

Show quote history

Ah, I misread then. It sounded like they weren’t managing.

PimpMyFridge · 21/07/2023 08:22

I'd tell her that isn't on the cards. Explain calmly that is a pretty cavalier thing to say about a serious and deep issue.
Discuss your money situation and give her some perspective and let her know that you realise what she said may not be at the heart of why she said it, in that a new baby is as big change and if she has worries or frustrations about the family absorbing a new sibling she can talk to you as you will understand the change affects her and want to support her as she adjusts and help understand the impacts so you can help to minimise any negative consequences.
While also saying the baby will be loved as she is and your family will enhanced by it's new member with all the rough and the smooth that comes with just as she enhanced things with her rough and smooths.

She's just being a callous selfish teen, not a horrible person, just a lot to learn yet.

WellPlaced · 21/07/2023 08:22

She’s 15. She doesn’t mean it.

I said some awful things when I was that age because I knew it all, obviously.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 21/07/2023 08:23

She’s 15, 15 isn’t an age most particularly known for empathy, altruism and balanced views.

I do think that for her, as an individual, a 2nd sibling probably (objectively) won’t be particularly ideal, no!
I am saying this as an older sister (my youngest half-sibling is 18 years younger than I am). I love my siblings, but their births and how my parents handled their/our childhood had some very negative consequences for me (as a teen and young adult).

as others have said:

did you make her babysit, give her additional chores etc. when the 2nd child was born?
I’m not sure I understand your financial situation. Is it possible that she has a lot of (hidden, because teenagers…) anxiety about it?
are these her “full” siblings / do they have the same father? I could see there being some anxiety about her place in the family, especially if these are half siblings.

TreesAreBloodyGreat · 21/07/2023 08:24

Is she an introvert OP? If she's already been raised in a quiet environment and has had to adjust to a screaming toddler she probably doesn't want more disruption. It was a callous thing to say and it's not her choice but I do understand her not wanting another sibling.