My DD told me to get an abortion.

[Wowokthanks]

I've name changed because I know a few people who use MN,

I would never have said that in her position, no. I wouldn’t even have THOUGHT it.

as an adult? Remembering certain things, working through it in therapy? I sometimes can’t help but think it!
and I can’t help but wonder how much freer and unburdened I could have been.

Life is very black and white when you are this age and we did all think we knew it all. I'm sure she didn't really mean to hurt you. This is the problem - we try to raise independent young people but then we get troubled/upset/hurt when they hold different views to us. It's tough but there is no grey with teens this age.

uni fees = Uni loan. Why are u expecting op to pay for this like it’s normal lol

They probably would have, but now they probably won't. Hello huge student debt...

I hate that attitude that its 'obviously accidental'... people assume that about us, NO.

A decade of infertility, desperately trying, health problems and IVF left a big gap there was no 'accident'... it couldn't be further from an accident if we tried.

Same with my mam, she had severe health issue that could risk her life but wanted another child. She tried for all my childhood and experienced loss after loss. Non of those pregnancies where accidental.

My friend has a 15 year old and is suffering secondary infertility.

Someone literally told me the other day I should have 'planned better' when hearing my kids age gap... its hard not to just yell 'fuck off' at the ignorance.

No parents are expected to make a contribution depending on income. The loan doesn't even cover some students accommodation cost.

Yes kids and especially teens do say insensitive things. But I think in this case describing it as insensitive is understating it.

Daughter needs to learn and be made to understand what a horrible thing that is to say to another human being. She may think she's grown up and the dogs bollocks with all this earning potential but she's clearly emotionally very immature and I do not think all 15 year olds would say something so vile. Emotional intelligence is important too. I hope she cries when she realises what a vile thing she has said to you OP. Maybe one day when she's in your shoes she will understand.

Because it is expected now that parents contribute, the amount you can borrow depends on parental income too so if their income is decent the loan amount is lower. If parents have a child who is keen to go to university then yes it should be considered, if household income is low then there isn't much that can be done which is fair enough- if you make active decisions to increase your outgoings and don't consider financial support for uni for your child that's sad.

I would never have said that in her position, no. I wouldn’t even have THOUGHT it.

Decades of feminst mantra that abortion is a greater good...

but they had each other as well- not the same for op's daughter

Believing that access to abortion is a good thing isn't the same as demanding someone else has one.

What an awful thing to say. Incredibly inappropriate. YANBU.

My 13yo is quite anxious and seems to worry about money even though we also don't have money worries. I had been trying to educate her in what I thought was a fairly normal way but I've had to switch to talking about whether things are value for money rather than whether we could afford it (within our budget). We don't worry about money ourselves and have never been poor so I'm not really sure what caused her to start worrying. At 14 your DD might not have a well developed idea of the emotional impact of abortion either.

If you were a 17 year old mum she's used to having you to herself. She's very young. You've got a close relationship and she'd say this to a mate so why not you? And finally - you had her when you were just 17 and no doubt struggling with it all. You were growing up yourself. And I think that makes for a very different relationship than the one you're having now with her siblings.

Opif she was 8and had said "no thank you, I don't want one, you need to send it back" it would amount to the same thing but with different vocab. She just knows bigger words now.

Sit down and tell her this baby is loved and wanted, just like she was and just like toddler is, and you will not be having an abortion, but you do want to talk about why she doesn't want you to have the baby so you can get through it together.

The money might be the issue but I imagine it's just the first thought she had. She's used to being indulged and not having to want for anything. You've been permitting her to just throw clothes away and replace them, she asks for something, you present it on a shiny plate, she loses stuff you just get her a new thing. But you're also talking about budgeting and COLC etc so you're giving her mixed messages.

Does she have any relationship with her sibling that doesn't involve you handing over a wad of cash?

It's not contradictory if you read what the OP actually wrote! Try again.

Could she be thinking about her own future OP? Like how are mum and dad going to afford my uni and hall fees if there’s a third child to feed? Either way a very inappropriate comment!

It is very easy for people to say have an abortion without even thinking what it entails. You need to have a word with her.

I think two under two so close together is a huge change to the family dynamic, on top of an already seismic change of an unexpected much younger sibling. So yes I do think it is her business.

Also you say she is very kind normally so perhaps the only way she can frame a reluctance to welcome another small sibling is via COL? Perhaps she would not want to voice even to herself that after all these years being an only suddenly having a baby sibling has made an impact - and now another one so close?

Those who say she is spoiled I think are missing the point. It’s hugely disruptive having a baby in the house we all know that. Even if she’s not doing much childcare by herself there’s still an enormous effort (rightly!) that goes into meeting an infants needs. A toddler AND a baby, while she’s moving into the later stages of her teens and towards studying for A Levels or whatever she chooses to do, is quite a lot to consider.

So i’d be having that discussion with her.

@LoikeanOverner some people actually choose to have big gaps. There’s 5 years between my two and I’d love a third but would wait another 5 years for that.

Oh bless her. I want to give her a big hug. It's just her response to stress and anxiety. She will love and adore her new sibling.

When my parents told my sister and I (similar ages to your DD) they were pregnant with a surprise third we were HORRIFIED. I don't think we said abortion but I think we may have said something along the lines of couldn't they just... not be pregnant any more. My mother was mortified!!! They had thought we'd be thrilled!

We were so used to our family being a certain way and a change was scary.

Anyway of course baby was born, he was the best thing that ever happened. He's in his 20s now and still one of my most absolute favourite humans in the world. He's a foot taller than me, big strapping bloke and I still pick him up for cuddles, I don't even care.

Your daughter will come round, I promise. This is just a very weird teenagery way of her expressing that the whole thing makes her anxious, and she's only feeling anxious because she loves you

Her career choice better be worth it or else she will be lumbered. I wouldn't be to worried about debt if the job pays well and in the long term she will be better off. I know engineering is a good career and does pay very well.

Believing that access to abortion is a good thing isn't the same as demanding someone else has one.

When you drive a belief that pregnancy isn't a child or a human being, just a clump of cells akin to a parasite - well, you can't really fault a teenager for not seeing a sibling.

Sorry I'm trying to keep up, and get out of the house for swimming with the littlest one!

DDs life has changed since the youngest arrived, infact we make more of an effort for her to do things that are age appropriate for her. She's had numerous outings with DH, geek conventions, an anime thing, both her sort of thing, not DHs but it was quality time, she's been to see Kings of Leon and Kaiser Chiefs with me (again, a her thing) red hot chilli peppers with DH.
We aim most of our days out around her interests, for example we've made trips to the area of where she wants to go for further education, tried to figure out how she would be most comfortable getting there- I've offered to drive her to and from if she would like. Last weekend, went to a museum that she wanted. I timed it so her brother slept through, so we had the time.
We go to the cinema together, grab the odd coffee together, and one of us goes to the gym with her a few times a week so DD still gets a fair bit of time.
I've asked if we can get our nails done together, we sometimes get our hair dine together too. Stuff that's just for us.

Her holidays haven't changed. We've always done the same things, except this year we're going to Daytona and the nasa space centre because they're her interests.

Also, someone did ask about DH, he isn't DDs bio dad, but both of them feel their relationship is close, she won't hear he isn't her dad, and he would never hear that she is not his daughter.
We've been together almost 13 years.
Hes excited for another baby, but she hasn't asked him this.

I don't think she's worried about my health.

Also, the intent to run away and start her own life, living in halls at 18, then travel the world has been her plan since she was about 11. She's always been adamant that she will have a bedroom at home, but she wants to spread her wings.

I will try to respond as much as I can, but I've got to get this baby swimming so I can return to collect DD- half day on her last day of the school year.

She is a child- and doesn’t get a say in such a huge life decision of yours. End of conversation really 🤷🏼‍♀️

It sounds quite a sensible, if blunt, reaction to parents having yet another child when they have gone on about money being tight. And she's probably worried, quite rightly about whether she will be able to afford to go to university now or carry on in education post 16 now that three lots of everything will have to be paid for instead of two. And whether the love and attention will be diluted between three children. I think some gentle, loving and reassuring chats will need to be had.