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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone with parents in their early 70’s?

187 replies

Ivebeenslimed · 20/07/2023 19:29

How much involvement do they have in your child’s/childrens life?
My parents are early 70’s (dad 74, mum just turned 70)
Dd is 5, they’ve never once babysat her, they’re staying with us at the moment (live too far to just pop by) I have to work 2-3 mornings for 3 hours, I asked if they wanted me to keep the babysitter or if they’d be at home with her, they said they thought it was better to keep the babysitter. The babysitter comes around, they go out somewhere for walk/coffee and I pick them up.
They used to babysit my sisters kids having them overnight some weekends, whilst my sister worked, even once for a week whilst she went on holiday.
I asked my mum why it was different for me/us, she said because of their ages now, yes they are older than back then, but still go out every day and are active. She also said Dd is energetic, I said if she wanted to, she could literally stick the tv on and just chat to her as it was only 3 hours. I also said it would be nice for them to bond, which she looked surprised/confused/not that bothered about.
Aibu to feel sad about this? Am I expecting too much and are they too old to do this?

OP posts:
Yellowlegobrick · 20/07/2023 19:31

There's a massive variety but my father at 75 is SO much slower and less of an engaged, active grandparent than he was at 65.

NoSunNoSun · 20/07/2023 19:31

My DM is early 70’s she has advanced Alzheimer’s and lives in a nursing home. I have been providing care for her for the last four years.

Fatkittythinkitty · 20/07/2023 19:31

That is sad. They're missing out really. My parents are early 70s and will babysit their great grandchild from time to time. They say they find it more tiring now they're older but still enjoy it.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 20/07/2023 19:36

This is so sad. DH and I are early/mid 70s, lucky to be in good health and both do regular childcare for our DGC as well as frequent sleepovers. We love the close relationship we have with them and I'm sure it helps to keep us young at heart.

DixonD · 20/07/2023 19:41

A lot. She could easily look after my daughter every day but she’s a very fit 70. My daughter (7) is easy though as well so it works well.

NoSunNoSun · 20/07/2023 19:41

Can’t you take your DC to visit your parents without it having to be about childcare? I had a wonderful bond with my two nannies but I never saw them without my parents.

Jujubes5 · 20/07/2023 19:46

I would say with the first born GChild there is a great hooha, everyone interested, everyone helping and I think it goes downhill, with interest waning after that!

HettyMeg · 20/07/2023 19:46

You are not being unreasonable. Grandparents should want to spend time with their grandchildren and form a relationship with them. They should also help out if they are able. Sounds like they may lack confidence, might be worth you specifically asking for their help - asking rather than suggesting. They may need you to force the issue somewhat.

Covetthee · 20/07/2023 19:51

Its not unreasonable to be sad when your sister had that from them.

i wouldnt take it personally and it probably is down to age.

my mum looked after my eldest a few days a week about 3 years ago when she was 69, and this year she was helping my youngest for one day and i could see it was a lot harder for her even though my youngest is a lot easier. she just doesnt have the same energy and with general health issues its tough

Covetthee · 20/07/2023 19:51

Sorry forgot to add- seeing it was harder for her i arranged different childcare for that one day cause i felt bad

TheLurpackYears · 20/07/2023 19:54

Same as you, lots of energy for their own interests, unfortunately they don't appear to be interested in their grand children. Although marginally more so in their other child's offspring.

YukoandHiro · 20/07/2023 19:54

My parents are 70 and 68. I have DDs 6 and 2. They do a day's childcare for the 2yo every fortnight and babysit for us about once every three months, usually with an overnight stay for both of them. They also sometimes take my elder DD for three nights in the school holidays so I don't have to pay for a holiday club. They are very involved but it does tire them out. When the youngest was 1 and 2 they did a day's childcare a week and they can't manage that now. It's too exhausting for them.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 20/07/2023 19:58

My parents are 73yo, my mum is very active (plays tennis, walked the Camino trail recently) she is actively involved in all her grandchildren's lives. She regularly collects them from school, pays and takes them to swimming lessons, has them for sleepovers and babysits if needed.

Your parents sound pretty useless as grandparents tbh.

Clementineorsatsuma · 20/07/2023 20:07

HettyMeg · 20/07/2023 19:46

You are not being unreasonable. Grandparents should want to spend time with their grandchildren and form a relationship with them. They should also help out if they are able. Sounds like they may lack confidence, might be worth you specifically asking for their help - asking rather than suggesting. They may need you to force the issue somewhat.

Really? I'm a very hands on Grandmother but you are really advising the OP to try to force the grandparents to do childcare as they 'should' be?

Sure fire way to damage relationships in my opinion.

MyMachineAndMe · 20/07/2023 20:09

My dad and dh's parents are early 70s and apart from the odd question about how they're getting on they don't really do much for or with my dc. They never really have. I don't begrudge them this because they help in other ways and that I would hate to be childcare provider by default simply because they're related so I don't expect my kids' grandparents to be so either.

fortnumsfinest · 20/07/2023 20:13

My Dp's,mid 70's are really involved in all the grandchildren's lives. There is only one, age 10, that still needs babysitting but they do this 2 days a week during the holidays and 2 after school days during term time.
The others are older teens now and go and visit them themselves, They go to football with my DF and days out with them.
I don't know if they are just generally young at heart or if their grandchildren are helping keep them young at heart

Mumof2teens79 · 20/07/2023 20:15

My kids are older now but although they were quite actively involved when the kids and grandparents both younger they wouldn't manage now in their 70s
MIL still looks after the younger grandkids but it's always a bit worrying and she likes the older teens or us to be close by to "help" - really my eldest is probably looking after all of them.

If they don't have close relationship and don't do it often it can be very daunting

SchoolShenanigans · 20/07/2023 20:18

My parents are a very similar age.

My dad would absolutely not be able to look after any of my children (2 kids under 6) safely. He's physically not in great shape and also isn't with it really.

My mum looks after my child 2 days per week and regularly babysits for both. She finds it tiring though.

Mamai90 · 20/07/2023 20:18

I think YABU. My mum was 64 when my DN was born and did loads of childcare, she's 76 now and very active regularly runs and does yoga but she's lost confidence in herself and would be apprehensive to mind my daughter for longer than an hour. She spends lots of time with her and helps out in lots of other ways, gives us regular lifts as I don't drive. I wouldn't ask her to mind DD as I know she'd be anxious. I'd believe them when they say they feel they are too old, they know they aren't as quick as they used to be and are anxious that something could potentially happen.

Lollygaggle · 20/07/2023 20:19

Neither sets of grandparents ever looked after my children or took them out on trips etc.
I didn't find it so hard with my partners parents as they were older and as a family we spent a lot of time with them but my mother was a lot younger but had no interest and had her own interests and freedom.
For many years I found it very difficult and tried to engineer ways for my children to have the opportunities to bond with my mother that I had with my grandparents who virtually brought me up.
It took along time to realise that you cannot force a relationship or interest when there just isn't one. I was angry until I realised the person who loses most from this is my mother. My adult children phone and write but she never phones or writes off her own bat and that communication is virtually dwindling to nothing because my children now say there is no point trying to keep up communications with someone who obviously has no interest. They prefer to use their energy on people who do care and both keep in touch and visit cousins, Uncles and Aunts regularly (my in laws passed away years ago).

Don't waste energy trying to force something that isn't there and don't waste time on tears or anger for something you can't change. Nurture the relationships that both sides invest in.

Otzi · 20/07/2023 20:20

It doesn't really matter what other people do though, does it?

Your mum has told you she can't do as you ask due to her health and I think you need to accept that.

Everyone ages differently and I'm sure she's got a realistic handle on her and your dad's capabilities.

I'd concentrate on making sure you and your DC have a nice relationship with your parents.

TheBitterBoy · 20/07/2023 20:20

MIL is a very engaged, active grandmother, but has admitted she finds it much more tiring with 5 year old granddaughter than she did with her now mid teens grandsons.

RobotsWillRule · 20/07/2023 20:21

My parents left me in the UK when I turned 18 so no opportunity for them to do anything with my kids. They are a 9 hour flight away. I'm gutted because they love kids. Weird.

Sugarfree23 · 20/07/2023 20:23

I think it very much depends on the individual.
My DMum and friends Mum are the same age but completely different fitness levels.

GameOverBoys · 20/07/2023 20:26

All grandparents are in their early 70s. They all look after my kids (12 and 9) but can’t look after DBs kids (3 and 1) because they can’t physically run after them pick them up out of car seats etc. My niece (3) is particularly spirited too and will just run off.
It’s a shame they don’t even what to bung the telly on a watch a film with her but when you’re 70 I think you need a bit of peace and quiet.

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