Anyone with parents in their early 70’s?

[Ivebeenslimed]

How much involvement do they have in your child’s/childrens life?
My parents are early 70’s (dad 74, mum just turned 70)
Dd is 5, they’ve never once babysat her, they’re staying with us at the moment (live too far to just pop by) I have to work 2-3 mornings for 3 hours, I asked if they wanted me to keep the babysitter or if they’d be at home with her, they said they thought it was better to keep the babysitter. The babysitter comes around, they go out somewhere for walk/coffee and I pick them up.
They used to babysit my sisters kids having them overnight some weekends, whilst my sister worked, even once for a week whilst she went on holiday.
I asked my mum why it was different for me/us, she said because of their ages now, yes they are older than back then, but still go out every day and are active. She also said Dd is energetic, I said if she wanted to, she could literally stick the tv on and just chat to her as it was only 3 hours. I also said it would be nice for them to bond, which she looked surprised/confused/not that bothered about.
Aibu to feel sad about this? Am I expecting too much and are they too old to do this?

None at all, they live 5+ hours away so see them a handful of times a year. My dd is now 15 and my dp have babysat once, which I had to return home after an hour as my dd was sick. My dp love my dd, I'm sure of that, but they made it very clear when I told them I was pregnant they they'd not help out.

Just to add - my Dad unfortunately died 12 years ago, otherwise it would’ve been both of them looking after her I’m sure. My Dad loved kids.

Mine are mid-seventies and have slowed up a lot in recent years. They enjoy spending time with the DCs but are visibly finding it harder and I am also finding they show a bit less interest.

Although our DC1 was the first grandchild and the centre of everyone’s world, that has naturally diluted since other DGCs have come along and we do find they seem to prioritise the relationship with local DGCs where contact is both more frequent and maybe a bit more on their terms.

I agree with this. As I said above my mum babysits my DD and would have her several times a week if I asked her to (I never would!)
She is also very fit for her age but even if she wasn’t, I don’t think that would make a difference. She lives for her grandchildren and those awful grandparents who “make it clear they won’t be helping” need a stern talking to! How dare they call themselves grandparents when they never get alone time with their grandchildren to impart their wisdom, teach them things, tell them stories from their past etc? They can’t do much of that during visits with everyone else there, can they?! It’s not about the childcare! Quite often I’m gutted that DD is going to my Mums but I know how crucial that grandparent relationship is and my DD has no other grandparent.
Sorry OP but they sound like selfish gits!

Boring too.

How old were they when they looked after the other GC ?

Can't believe they won't spend 3 hours with their Grandaughter, their excuse is rubbish.

My mum is a young 72 and very actively involved with my sister's kids because she's a single parent. She's not much involved with mine at all, probably babysits in the evening once every month or so. It's not a lack of energy, just a lack of time (I do not begrudge my sister).

My in laws are 77 and are useless. We would never leave our 4 year old alone in their care. They are much 'older' than my mum and show no interest in being involved, which is entirely their prerogative.

Do you not think grandparents have done their time raising kids, and deserve to spend their retirement the way they would like to? Or should they spend their retirement doing childcare, which is bloody hard work?

The irony of people like you calling such grandparents “selfish gits”!

What @Nanny0gg said 1000%

It took me years to get over both grandparents not taking an active role. Neither babysat ever and made it clear they weren't into it. They don't call, they don't take an active interest and we see them once or twice a year. It doesn't mean they don't love my grandkids but it's not their cup of tea and they will tell you they are not missing out. And you know thats ok. HOWEVER. All the grandparents are in their 70s and they look OLD. They have issues with their bodies, mobility, weight, backpain etc they look and feel elderly. And it is down to how unfit they are. They are the type to sit in their settees all day long and have afternoon naps in front of the telly. They used to travel but they don't do that anymore.

My neighbour is 74 and twice a week go on long hikes with her hiking group. She doesn't babysit her grandchildren but she will take then out to the cinema, theatre, messy play and places and accompany her daughter in law as often as possible.

I hope and pray I avoid ending up like My parents or inlaws and delay as much as possible. I'm in my late 40s and I want to be the like the 60 and 70 year olds who run 5k in my local park run every weekend. So full of life and vigour. I want to see the world and do fun things with my children and their children for as long as I can. Which is why I have made it my mission to be physically fit as best as I can.

My wonderful Grandmother was in her late 70s when she looked after my older DB & I 3 days a week whilst my parents worked. She taught us both how to cook (she was the most amazing cook, as is my mum - her DD) and how to grow Sweet Peas & Geraniums! I remember sitting with her in the garden, podding homegrown peas into a colander. She also taught us to play cards and very naughtily gave us teeny tiny glasses of Sherry with Babycham from an alarmingly young age but 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣
There’s sooooo many things I’d never have learnt if it wasn’t for spending time alone with her (& my DB before her started school)

I think it's really tricky to appreciate the effects of ageing and also the age of the kids has an impact.

My DD is 5. My parents are 65. At 60 they were amazing with her as a baby, mum helped overnight and everything. Now she's older they cope just fine but like to take care of her together, I think because they find her quite tiring and tag teaming helps! I have a baby niece and they're definitely more hands off with her than my DD at the same age.

I can imagine in another 5yr they'll have no issues managing my then 10yr old DD but will struggle a lot with an energetic 5yr old

@FourFourOne Well my grandmother AND my own Mum both had/have a fabulous retirement whilst also being present in their grandkids’ lives! You’re making it sound like a chore! My mum adores my DD and looks forward to spending one on one time with her! It’s not about childcare for me. I don’t need childcare

Early 70s is young! I think friends with parents of this age (I'm mid 40s) and young children are lucky, and they're often heavily involved with childcare. My neighbour's mother (was 70 a couple of years ago) picks up the children from school almost every day and brings them back to her house, cooking dinner and entertaining them until the parents are home from work.

When my son was at nursery I remember having to help grandparents in their 80s with the stroller and the child up the steps, and I did feel they were physically a bit out of their depth to pick up a grandchild even just once (mum was in hospital having no. 2). But that is ten years further down the line with a toddler.

My DM is 70, has lots of health problems/walks with a stick. She lives 1.5 hours away but will always come and look after my DS if we are stuck. She has had him for more than 1 night quite a few times if me and DP plan a weekend away or have an event. She can't go far or walk any distance really but she takes my DS out on her scooter or they just play in the house/garden. My dad has never had my son but probably would if I asked, hes 71

I want to be the like the 60 and 70 year olds who run 5k in my local park run every weekend. So full of life and vigour. I want to see the world and do fun things with my children and their children for as long as I can. Which is why I have made it my mission to be physically fit as best as I can.

Fair play, hope that works out for you.

Sure, it doesn't always though.

It’s not about childcare for me at all, I can afford to pay the babysitter whilst I work. I just would like them to *Want to do it, not pull a face.
How do I keep my feelings of being resentful inside, it really hurts and I’m struggling with why they wouldn’t want to spend time with her.
We spent weekends staying at my grandparents house, my grandma would cook every meal and we’d eat supper she called it (little cheese sandwiches) and watch the Brookside omnibus together, we’d talk a lot about all sorts of things. I have fond memories and it seems so sad for my Dd that my mum doesn’t think in the same way

My mum was 58 when DS was born. Always a hands on grandma. Had him once a week whilst I worked instead of nursery that day and once a week after school and she’s been like a second mum. They’ve always had such fun. He’s now 17 and she’s coming up 76. He still likes to spend time with her. She is always doing stuff for us. She’s absolutely amazing and we love her to bits. She comes away with us and has her own key although she always messages me first to ensure it’s a good time to pop in

I hope I can be half as good a grandma as her

my dad on the other hand hasn’t once spent time with DS as he has wife’s grandkids and then treat him like their grandad. I am a bit bitter but then he’s a bit of a selfish soul so expected. After all he walked out on my mum 22 years ago!

DH parents don’t see us much as live 4 hours away and aren’t nasty about it but just are unthinking about DS.

Sadly this isn't unusual with the boomer generation. When they hit their later years they wonder why their grandkids aren't that interested in them. You reap what you sow.

@FloralDancer Are they known as being a selfish generation?

FIL is in his early 70’s, he lives 3 hours away but has a very good relationship with dc, DS even spent one week in summer with him. Since covid we’ve seen him less (health reasons) but gradually building that back up. He can’t do much now but he talks to them and they very much picked up where we left off…

Thing is I’m not sure it is just about fitness- don’t think there’s necessarily a correlation between marathon times and willingness to babysit GC. I think it’s probable ( albeit hard to accept) that some grandparents actually just don’t like little kids that much ( just because they had their own kids doesn’t change that) and they’re only “missing out” if they actually want to spend time with little kids. If they don’t they’re not missing out.

Ultimately you don’t choose to be a GP. Some are going to be keener on the role than others.

I don't know what to say to you OP. Your parents are old. Not just older but actually old. If they're telling you they can't do stuff you need to listen to them. You also, to be honest, are not that far from the point where you're increasingly going to have to do things for them, not have them do things for you. I know that can be hard to get your head around but I suggest you start thinking in those terms, rather than about how they're falling short of their duties. They're staying with you now, aren't they? Have you got nice things planned? Little trips or meals? Family activities in the evenings? Focus on stuff like that. It'll be nice for your dd and for all of you.

Oh I have such lovely memories with my Grandparents too. I'd stay in the school holidays and make cakes with my Nan. Grandad taught me to play cards and dominoes. They'd also always give me a pen and paper to play along with Countdown!

When they were ill and dying I cared for them so it all came back full circle.

ODFO with your boomer rubbish. We're no more all the same as your generation are. And the vast majority of us are loving and involved grandparents, whether or not we still have the stamina to be as active with our grandkids as we'd like to be.

I didnt expect any help from my parents with childcare because I could see they were slowing down. Maybe they still have energy to do a little but they need rest - and going out for a coffee or a walk is a rest just from being around noisy children. People vary and while one 70 year old may still have a lot of energy many do not. Totally unreasonable to expect them to devote what little energy they have to babysitting, not unreasonable to want, say, reading a bedtime story or playing a game with them.