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AIBU?

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Original poster

Anyone with parents in their early 70’s?

187 replies

Ivebeenslimed · 20/07/2023 19:29

How much involvement do they have in your child’s/childrens life?
My parents are early 70’s (dad 74, mum just turned 70)
Dd is 5, they’ve never once babysat her, they’re staying with us at the moment (live too far to just pop by) I have to work 2-3 mornings for 3 hours, I asked if they wanted me to keep the babysitter or if they’d be at home with her, they said they thought it was better to keep the babysitter. The babysitter comes around, they go out somewhere for walk/coffee and I pick them up.
They used to babysit my sisters kids having them overnight some weekends, whilst my sister worked, even once for a week whilst she went on holiday.
I asked my mum why it was different for me/us, she said because of their ages now, yes they are older than back then, but still go out every day and are active. She also said Dd is energetic, I said if she wanted to, she could literally stick the tv on and just chat to her as it was only 3 hours. I also said it would be nice for them to bond, which she looked surprised/confused/not that bothered about.
Aibu to feel sad about this? Am I expecting too much and are they too old to do this?

OP posts:
Dulra · 21/07/2023 08:38

Ivebeenslimed · 20/07/2023 23:47

@Otzi I take them somewhere every day, not playgrounds as they get bored and want to go. I hint all the time for Dd to show her a book/her toys etc and she does, but doesn’t get a huge amount of feedback. I can see a distinct difference between how Dd is with my dad, compared to my mum, it’s like she can sense my mums feelings, it’s hard to explain, it’s sad.

That's hard op was she like that as a mum too? Maybe look at the positives your dd is bonding well with your dad so continue to help nurture that relationship. We can't force relationships and your mum for whatever reason doesn't appear interested in younger kids, some people just aren't. Try not to let it upset you your dd won't know any different and is not likely to see the loss of this.

Ownbag · 21/07/2023 09:17

saraclara · 20/07/2023 23:15

I do all those things. But they're all things that you can pace yourself with and only be active for a proportion of the day/activity.

But looking after a toddler is nothing like any of those things. You're not in contorl of how active and busy you are at any one time. You have to 'follow the child'. Hit a slump in a nice walk and you stop for a while and sit. Toddlers don't give you that, and caring for one is simultaneously physically and mentally hard. Especially when they're not your child. I found toddlerhood easy as a parent, because I knew my kids backwards and I was the one responsible for them. I don't know what my DGD will do next, am unsure of what my DD would want me to do in specific situations, and have the absolute fear of DGD getting hurt under my watch.

It's not remotely like travelling, driving, having a night out or walking a long way. All those are under my control and done at my own pace and not a 3 year olds.

You just aren't getting it at all,

Show quote history

This a hundred times over. I’m in my late 50s and do help out with a few weeks of childcare and I’m glad to do so but it’s relentless! Watching and entertaining and changing a toddler for 10 hours is absolutely draining, mentally more so than physically.

My DD & her DH are lovely, no expectations and entitlement at all and everything I’ve done is because I’ve offered and I’ve offered because I love them and want to help them out and adore the toddler. But equally I know I wouldn’t want to do this if they have another one.

I was a SAHM, so have more than put my time in with child rearing, plus one child has a significant disability requiring life long support. Many women if my generation with children will have lived much of their lives in the domestic sphere, taking responsibility for children, education, house - if they get to their seventies and they’re in good enough health, I’d say they’re entitled to pick walks and pub lunches over changing nappies and play groups.

TakeMe2Insanity · 21/07/2023 09:20

Age isn’t a definitive answer. My mother died last year at 80 but was very active and was always happy to play with dc in the garden and look after them etc. In contrast in laws are in their mid 60s and not active so anything more than meeting dc in a sedate restaurant is hard work for them. I think you need to accept how they are and lower your expectations.

BumWhisperers · 21/07/2023 12:17

It depends on the dc too. My dc were told not to run wild and use indoor voices etc, my dns are very loud and climb all over everything and their mum says 'what can I do' about it all. Theyre much harder to mind for any length of time but its the same mum that expects a lot more from family. She honestly cannot see the differences though

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 21/07/2023 12:24

Mine have never babysat, we’re quite uninterested when my children were young and now my parents seem shocked that my now teens have little interest in having adult conversations with them. Luckily my kids are incredibly close to my Mil.

10HailMarys · 21/07/2023 12:47

My grandparents on both sides were lovely and I adored them and I certainly knew they loved me. However, I also know that they were a lot more actively involved as grandparents when my siblings were little than when I was. My siblings did a lot of overnight stays and days out with them when they were little, but my GPs were a decade younger then. They were still physically active when I was born but I think the older they got, the less easy and the more tiring they found it to entertain a small child for long periods. We still had a nice relationship though and they always made a big fuss of me when we saw them, and would happily look at books with me, play card games with me, draw with me etc when they visited. I also remember watching films and things with them a lot.

DaphneduM · 21/07/2023 13:24

Involved Granny here - now 70 and my husband is late 60's. We have had our grandchild two days a week for the last three or so years and also sleep-overs (he has his own room at our house). We're both pretty fit but have both now found that it's getting increasingly tiring looking after our grandchild. It's been absolutely joyful and we have a great relationship with him.

Regarding the age demographic, I had my daughter late at age 36 and my daughter is in her 30's too - so absolutely agree about what has been said by previous posters. I guess we were lucky that we were retired and therefore had time to do childcare.

If we have another grandchild we sadly won't do the two days a week, just got to be realistic about that, but will still dip in and out of chlld-care for some of the holidays and sleepovers. But a regular commitment is not sensible now. As a grandparent you do get out what you put in . We feel so lucky to have moved near enough to participate in all this.

People's ability and fitness can vary hugely by our age - I feel I've definitely slowed up in the last year or so.

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 14:58

AlfietheSchnauzer · 20/07/2023 22:19

I agree with this. As I said above my mum babysits my DD and would have her several times a week if I asked her to (I never would!)
She is also very fit for her age but even if she wasn’t, I don’t think that would make a difference. She lives for her grandchildren and those awful grandparents who “make it clear they won’t be helping” need a stern talking to! How dare they call themselves grandparents when they never get alone time with their grandchildren to impart their wisdom, teach them things, tell them stories from their past etc? They can’t do much of that during visits with everyone else there, can they?! It’s not about the childcare! Quite often I’m gutted that DD is going to my Mums but I know how crucial that grandparent relationship is and my DD has no other grandparent.
Sorry OP but they sound like selfish gits!

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You do realise that grandparents are entitled to their own lives, yes?

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 15:00

AlfietheSchnauzer · 20/07/2023 22:31

@FourFourOne Well my grandmother AND my own Mum both had/have a fabulous retirement whilst also being present in their grandkids’ lives! You’re making it sound like a chore! My mum adores my DD and looks forward to spending one on one time with her! It’s not about childcare for me. I don’t need childcare

For some it is a chore...

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 15:02

Ivebeenslimed · 20/07/2023 22:39

It’s not about childcare for me at all, I can afford to pay the babysitter whilst I work. I just would like them to *Want to do it, not pull a face.
How do I keep my feelings of being resentful inside, it really hurts and I’m struggling with why they wouldn’t want to spend time with her.
We spent weekends staying at my grandparents house, my grandma would cook every meal and we’d eat supper she called it (little cheese sandwiches) and watch the Brookside omnibus together, we’d talk a lot about all sorts of things. I have fond memories and it seems so sad for my Dd that my mum doesn’t think in the same way

Your DD doesn't know any different

I love my DGC to pieces but given the choice, I'd rather see them for fun than childcare.

And I know it's a strange thought, but not everyone likes children! They did their best by their own but now they're done!

HollaHolla · 21/07/2023 15:05

My folks are mid-70s. I sadly couldn't have kids, but my nieces and nephews are now young teenagers. My Mum seems to want to continue to baby them, but my Dad is coming into his own with them more. He does things in the shed/car with them, and has way more patience than he had with us three as kids!!
They take the grandkids for the weekend (but they're reasonably self-sufficient), getting their food, ferrying them around, etc., but they are not quite so 'hands on'.

I would say that they have definitely slowed down, but it seems quite sweet, as one of my nephews especially (14 year old), wants to look after them a bit more - brings my Mum's favourite chocolate/will watch the sports with my Dad and help him with his phone, and other electronics (Dad loves a gadget!)
I often wonder how they would have been as grandparents, from my perspective; as they drive my sister up the wall sometimes, but my brother is easier going....

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 15:06

Ivebeenslimed · 20/07/2023 23:07

@Otzi I suppose I just don’t see early 70’s as that old at all or them as being that old. They still travel, drive, dress up and drink for nights out, walk for miles etc

Lucky them - I wish I had the time, but have to be back for the school run!

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 15:08

Ivebeenslimed · 20/07/2023 23:10

It’s not me being entitled at all, it’s not about childcare. I can afford it and am fine with having my babysitter/nanny. It’s that quality time with her and getting to know her more. Dad is better and plays with her and chats with her a fair amount, mum is quite critical to be honest and I see my Dd isn’t as comfortable with her and clearly adores her grandad. I just wish she’d take the time to seem to want to be with her

If that bothered your mum she'd do something about it.

There is very little 'Live and Let Live' on this thread.

It's all about what is expected of grandparents, be it physically or emotionally.

They don't seem to get a choice

HollaHolla · 21/07/2023 15:09

Oh, and my brother and his family are nearby, whereas my sister's lot are a couple of hours away, so less day to day involvement.

We only had one grandparent (dad grew up in care, and mum had lost her mum when my sister was a baby), who was an hour away. Grandad was in his 50s when we were born, and still working, so we saw him more at weekends, and school holidays. I think times have changed, as mum stayed at home with the three of us until we were all at School. So, less hands-on childcare needed.

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 15:10

Ivebeenslimed · 20/07/2023 23:17

@Otzi What am I doing? Trying to encourage my mum to play/talk with Dd more, but she generally just sits and watches tv, it’s like Dd is an annoyance in a way

Stop 'encouraging'

Butt out. If your mum is kind even if disinterested then let her be.

When/at what age do your parents get to choose what happens in their own lives?

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 15:12

Otzi · 20/07/2023 23:33

Ok, so what do you have planned? You have house guests and are hosting a family get together. Have you got things in mind? Even things like board games and such? Have you suggested specific activities that your mum can do with DD? Told her what DD likes doing, thought about what your mum might like to share doing with her? Any nice places you can all go out for walks nearby?

Really if you're just switching telly on then people will sit and watch it in the absence of anything else.

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Why does her mum have to be micro-managed?

Can't she just come and visit?

Katiesaidthat · 21/07/2023 15:15

My mum is 77, my dad died when he was 56. There is no way my mum can look after my daughter for anything above an hour. As it is, when I have visited I have put the child to bed and she has baby-sat a sleeping kid. She would be better at home if needs must but couldn´t go out with my daughter as couldn´t keep up with her. It depends on the grandparents.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/07/2023 15:21

My parents are in their early to mid 70s.

They do have much less energy now than they did in the 60s.

I’m lucky that my kids are now 14 and 9, so the “having energy” side of it is less relevant than if they were under 5s, although my 9 yo is very energetic as he has ADHD.

They will have one or both of them to stay in the school holidays still which is really kind of them, but I think they would struggle if they had a regular commitment, and would definitely not feel able for a toddler still.

The 14 yo is like having an adult to stay tbh!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/07/2023 15:21

Mind you I don’t feel like looking after a baby or a toddler and I’m 44!

5128gap · 21/07/2023 15:33

If they say they feel too old for it you have to respect that. No good ever comes from trying to encourage, persuade, or shame someone into doing something for you that they feel is beyond their capacity.
For what it's worth at 54 I do a lot of childcare for my existing DGC. I already know from the demands it places on me that I won't be doing it at 70 for any future DGC.

locketrocket · 21/07/2023 15:54

It's a strange one and can see why it gets to you.

DP now in their early 70s and although very fit and active, they do have age related health issues.

My dc are now 18 & 16, and my parents loved looking after them when they were little (they often comment that it was perfect timing and they have such a lovely relationship)
However if my dsis was to have children now, then there's no way they could help her as much as they helped me, iykwim.

Shiftingparadigm · 21/07/2023 15:54

I think it's their age and the age of the kids too. My mum pops over,its a bit of a drive and my son has ASD. She used to babysit while I worked, but it wasnt great tbh, so now she sees us when we are both free. I could do chores or exercise while she briefly has my child, but I'd rather spend time with her, and if anything does happen and she is hurt or ill, my son would get into trouble quickly.

With my first son she was much more active with him. There is a big difference between 63 and 70 and looking after a 2yr old and an 11 year old who can get help if needed. Same with other gp, he is fearful of being on his own with them due to this. They are both in pretty good health, but of an age when it can surprise you!

Other GPs have always been a bit lazy and not very interested in our kids.

I have always found it more reliable to have paid childcare if you can afford to. GPs have been a bit flakey at times as it is a favour and not an obligation, although I have alway appreciated anything they have offered. They have saved my arse a few times!

ImNotReallySpartacus · 21/07/2023 16:02

If anyone had the gall to tell me what I should be doing in my retirement years I would not be having a relationship with that person at all, let alone providing free child care.

EsmeSusanOgg · 21/07/2023 16:19

My dad, mid-70s is frail due to past illness, my mum just turned 70 is hail and hearty. They are both relatively involved with their GC (oldest is nearly 5) but my siblings and I are not miles away. Baby sitting is more as hoc and for a couple of hours tops. But that works for everyone.

Shiftingparadigm · 21/07/2023 16:21

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 14:58

You do realise that grandparents are entitled to their own lives, yes?

Show quote history

Sadly this is the case. One set of GPs don't work, live closer than us (20 min drive) and we see them a few times a year. Other parents are a bit further away and we see them weekly/fortnightly. They are also younger than the other gps. It upsets my eldest, but I just tell them they are a bit self obsessed (they are a bit) and it's not his fault. He seems to understand this and isn't massively keen on them anyway due to a lack of bond. It's a life lesson I guess that not every grandparent is a Disney grandparent (but probably makes out to their friends that they are 😂).

All this means is that the parents who have helped more will have more priority with help from us and the grandchildren in old age when they need it. If the disinterested ones are happy to accept that then its fine for everyone then. We wouldn't leave them in the shit, but we wouldn't go out of our way to do anything special either.