Anyone with parents in their early 70’s?

[Ivebeenslimed]

How much involvement do they have in your child’s/childrens life?
My parents are early 70’s (dad 74, mum just turned 70)
Dd is 5, they’ve never once babysat her, they’re staying with us at the moment (live too far to just pop by) I have to work 2-3 mornings for 3 hours, I asked if they wanted me to keep the babysitter or if they’d be at home with her, they said they thought it was better to keep the babysitter. The babysitter comes around, they go out somewhere for walk/coffee and I pick them up.
They used to babysit my sisters kids having them overnight some weekends, whilst my sister worked, even once for a week whilst she went on holiday.
I asked my mum why it was different for me/us, she said because of their ages now, yes they are older than back then, but still go out every day and are active. She also said Dd is energetic, I said if she wanted to, she could literally stick the tv on and just chat to her as it was only 3 hours. I also said it would be nice for them to bond, which she looked surprised/confused/not that bothered about.
Aibu to feel sad about this? Am I expecting too much and are they too old to do this?

It's really interesting the comparisons people are making here between their current age as grandparents, their parents' and the age their own grandparents were.

I recall spending quite a lot of time with all four of my grandparents when I was a child, and staying at theirs for short periods if my parents went on holiday, but I genuinely have no concept of what age they were when I was a child. I just thought they were 'old' because they were grandparents, had grey hair and wore the sort of beige clothes that all old people back then did . I was born in the early 80s and my mum was relatively 'old' for the era when she had me her first child, at the age of 30, so in reality they were probably in their 50s. Which is just very very different to being in your 70s.

I’m Indian and childcare isn’t optional for grandparents so my view is probably skewed (I’ve seen even extremely elderly and disabled grandparents provide some form of childcare) but I don’t think they’re too old at all. Just disinterested.

Same situation with us. Our daughters don’t get a look in with my ILs they so however dote on their other sons Kids. They’ve looked after Then most weekends since they were about 2 weeks old. Probably looked after ours 3 times and our eldest is 17. They took them to chessington once and made them sit on a field with a picnic and wouldn’t let go on any rides. Weird.

Ok, so what do you have planned? You have house guests and are hosting a family get together. Have you got things in mind? Even things like board games and such? Have you suggested specific activities that your mum can do with DD? Told her what DD likes doing, thought about what your mum might like to share doing with her? Any nice places you can all go out for walks nearby?

Really if you're just switching telly on then people will sit and watch it in the absence of anything else.

How were your parents growing up? Was your mum a sahm or was she a career women?
I know it’s not always the case but sometimes I find that women who were career focused and who’s children went to childcare a lot lack the experience with children so don’t know how to be around them.

@Lemonyfuckit yes I agree. I also thought my grandparents were really really old when I was a little girl but actually they were only in their 50s. So yes of course they were able to do more things than people in their 70s!

@Mumtothreegirlies it’s rubbish isn’t it? I’d understand if I was a nightmare dil but we really do get on so well. And they treat them equally birthdays/christmases etc. it’s just the time mine don’t seem to get. You’ve got as far as chessington even with no rides, mine have never been taken out on their own at all 😂.

It's actually amazing how the first child demographic has changed. Back in 1986, at 30, I was the oldest in my antenatal group. Now I'd almost certainly be the youngest.

Yes I felt embarrasingly old to be pregnant at 30 in the 1980s!

@Mumtothreegirlies She was a sahm
until we were much older

I was born early 80s too and my mum was seen as an "old" mum when I was her first at 26.

Her parents had been older when she was born (her brother was 9 years older) so one had passed before I was born and the other when I was young. Because of this I just assumed my dad's parents were "really old" too. My grandad died when I was around 11 and I'm sure he was only 68 but my whole childhood I had thought of him as really old. My granny only passed away a few years ago in her mid 90s so I was lucky to have her around as long as I did.

It will vary massively.

my DF is 76 and dotes on my kids but he has never babysat as it’s too much for him. He’s not in the best health and is exhausted just from seeing the kids with me there. He was a single parent so did everything for us and was a great, fun and fully competent parent but he just can’t manage it now.

DHs mum is 64 and very hands on, helps us out if we need a break and is full of energy.

I think we just have to accept that they know what they feel able to manage and not ask them for more.

This is a class issue. The richer you are the healthier you are. One of my grandmothers was in her mid 50s when I was born and another was early 40s. Both were disabled by then and of the level of fitness a current 75+ old might expect to be. It was considered quite normal for 40 year olds to be infirm back then but parents, women especially, were expected to put up or shut up and be grateful for what little could be provided. My gran couldn’t see to cook so I used to cook instead - from the age of 5. Nobody thought that was strange in our working class community

I think if they know they're too tired it's better to be honest then push themselves

@Otzi I take them somewhere every day, not playgrounds as they get bored and want to go. I hint all the time for Dd to show her a book/her toys etc and she does, but doesn’t get a huge amount of feedback. I can see a distinct difference between how Dd is with my dad, compared to my mum, it’s like she can sense my mums feelings, it’s hard to explain, it’s sad.

Not read the whole thread but 74 isn’t early 70s.

My kids are fortunate enough to still have all four grandparents. The eldest is 74, the youngest just 70. There’s a great difference between them.

One set of grandparents are happy to have the kids whenever, will have loads of them (from my siblings) all at once, and are fine. The other set are very willing to do it, but only on their terms.

@Wenfy yy 'healthy life expectancy ' is definitely a class issue. It did improve for decades but now it is dropping again in some areas - eg in Blackpool one has on average 55 years of good health. That is low!

its annoying because we’re still obligated by our husbands and society to worship them even though we have good reason not to. I think if I remember correctly my ILs only took them to chessington because they were newly on Facebook and saw their friends taking their grandkids there. A lot of what they do is for show on Facebook and most of our kids growing up they weren’t on there, now they are they want to parade their other grandkids. Bloody narcs that’s what they are!

@AlfietheSchnauzer *chill 😛

My parents are mid 70s; there's no way they'd cope with looking after a 5 year old. They were very engaged grandparents when they were younger ( in their 50s).

My own grandmother was the same- babysat me when I was a child, was in her 70s when I had my kids and just wouldn't have managed to look after them at that age.

My mum is 70 and never has my kids (I have 4) she has my brothers 2 all the time including overnight

I'm 53 and I have three grandchildren who are 11 and seven-year-old twins.

I do have energy for them but I do find that looking after them, especially the twins, is really full-on! I'm up and down and chasing after them and those three hours they spend with me leave me exhausted at the end of it.

My ex-husband, their grandfather, is 69. He has only just retired from his job as a schoolteacher this May, plays every weekend in a rock band and is just about to go on a three-week holiday to Israel. The man is active.

He comes to my house when the grandchildren come to visit. He doesn't have the energy to chase after them the way I (and my husband, he's 54) do and he only stays for thirty minutes. He has never had the children visit him at his house because he's told our son that he just doesn't have the energy to look after them.

I'm aware that he can do all of his activities at a slow and measured pace. It's not the same with the grandchildren. I also noticed that he's a bit slower now than he was only a few years ago.

I will say that it's a shame he isn't as involved as I am but I know he loves the grandchildren. I don't know how I would be at 69+ so I give him a break. I'm thinking you could give your parents a break too, OP.

PIL do all day child care 3-4 days a week for DH’s DSis’s DS & DD (2 & 6) inc school pickups, ferrying to sports lessons and clubs.

They have them for some hours most other days so SIL can go to the gym or for lunch with friends, or just because SIL goes to visit them.

They also do SIL’s washing and ironing, make her meals so that she and her DP only have to reheat (Kids have lunch and dinner at DGPs), they clean her house once a week and cut her lawn.

We’re 3-4 hours away and DH is massively worried that it’s too much for his DM (72) and DF (76). His DM especially is telling him she’s struggling with the bending required for the youngest.

DH very tentively raised his concerns about DPs with DSis but didn’t get far/was told this was normal/none of his business.

This thread has been an eye opener for him!

I also think the age of the children plays a part.
A 70 something might be fine looking after a 6 or 7 year old, but find a 3 year old to be too much.

And depending on the dynamics of the kids 2 kids who squabble will be harder than a single child but 2 kids who play well will entertain each other.

My mum died at 75. At 70 she was pretty fit and active and alert, but I could tell she didn't have the confidence or strength to manage my energetic boys. She would kind of feux offer out of duty but I said no because she couldn't really manage and never really offered when there was a realistic chance I'd say yes!

If parents want to help, then great. I hope I'll be babysitting my grandchildren when I'm 70, 80 and beyond. But 70 is older than we realise and not all 70yr olds want the stress or responsibility or physical challenge. I think that's fine. You did offer the babysitter and sounds like they were grateful to you for that

What a very judgemental, ignorant, entitled- sounding post. But I will refrain from slapping that label on everyone of your generation, because that would be an over-simplistic, ignorant thing to do