Anyone with parents in their early 70’s?

[Ivebeenslimed]

How much involvement do they have in your child’s/childrens life?
My parents are early 70’s (dad 74, mum just turned 70)
Dd is 5, they’ve never once babysat her, they’re staying with us at the moment (live too far to just pop by) I have to work 2-3 mornings for 3 hours, I asked if they wanted me to keep the babysitter or if they’d be at home with her, they said they thought it was better to keep the babysitter. The babysitter comes around, they go out somewhere for walk/coffee and I pick them up.
They used to babysit my sisters kids having them overnight some weekends, whilst my sister worked, even once for a week whilst she went on holiday.
I asked my mum why it was different for me/us, she said because of their ages now, yes they are older than back then, but still go out every day and are active. She also said Dd is energetic, I said if she wanted to, she could literally stick the tv on and just chat to her as it was only 3 hours. I also said it would be nice for them to bond, which she looked surprised/confused/not that bothered about.
Aibu to feel sad about this? Am I expecting too much and are they too old to do this?

My parents used to look after my children for a weekend, or a week sometimes. They'd have them to stay. Partly to help out but also they wanted to. But they were in their late 50s/early 60s. Now they're in their 70s. My sister's children are much younger than mine. They don't have them to stay on their own. Not because they don't want to/aren't as interested/favouritism, they're just a bit slower, find stuff a bit more tiring, and need to do things differently. I think that's fair enough and my sister fully understands too. Just different life stages

Mine are early 70’s and currently have my 6 year old twins and 10 year old DD for a week so I can work! I’m a single parent and they’re as helpful as they can be considering they live 4 hours away. They find it hard I know but they are happy to do it because they love them and want to help me. I’m sorry you don’t feel like that about your mum.

My parents are that sort of age and sadly have really aged since about 7 years ago when the first grandchild was born. They are more tired, no longer like to drive in the dark or in traffic or on new routes. They are still willing, but everything is more stressful and difficult than it was. Having said that they would definitely cancel the babysitter in your scenario, with one well behaved 5 year old.

It sounds like they don't know your daughter that well - could that be part of the problem?

My parents are mid 70s now, and my mum loves looking after my son. My Dad basically leaves it to her but that's nothing to do with age!

I notice a massive reduction in what my mother can manage these days, compared to when DS was a baby. I don't honestly think she could cope with a toddler now.

My dad took my then 12 year old on a boat for a week last summer and also had her for a week when she was a baby - would not do the bit in between as couldn't keep up in his late sixties/early seventies. They have a lovely relationship now at 13 and 76 but I have never expected childcare, just good experiences for them both. Sadly, my mum died before my DC was born and my IL's were already in their 70's (FiL passed away now) and not up to having DC alone.
My dad was still working until 2020 hit though and is extremely active.

Same as a pp: my parents are 70/71 and DS is 4. They love to see him but hardly ever come to us (they live about 20mins away). We always have to drive to them and the max seems to be about 3 hours then there's a reason why we have to leave. They've never had him overnight, claiming my niece never stayed over until she was older, but I can't seem to get out of them what age they started to have her sleep over, and therefore don't know when I can ask about it. They have her to stay now she's older (she's 13 now), including for a weekend when my brother&SIL went away. They even had a weekend barbecue with him and didn't invite us from just down the road!

I struggle to feel supported. DH and I both suffer from mental health issues and we're quite lonely (only moved here when I was pregnant) so we'd love regular visits and perhaps a night to ourselves. It's frustrating.

Oh, and no help from the in-laws as they're early-80s so they NEVER come over and would never have DS on their own, even for ten minutes (I would not want to leave him just with them anyway)!

You sound quite entitled.

My parents are 71 and 73. My dad still works full time; my mum works (very) part time. I can't just expect them to jump in and work out childcare - they have their own lives. I feel quite nervous when they do have DD (which is rare), because I am conscious they are tired and it is a lot. I don't think it is ever reasonable to assume grandparents will provide childcare.

In the gentlest way OP I think you're being unfair. The wording of your post implies some time has elapsed (eg they are older) than when this time you're describing that they babysat your sister's children. I get why you're sad your sister's children have got to spend more time with their grandparents than yours. They may still be active on the face of it but there can still be a big difference in their overall health / fitness / energy levels in that time. I lost my (previously fit and active) DF when he was 69. My DM is 71 and has some mobility issues and is definitely just noticeably less energetic than she was a few years ago (albeit the strains of lockdown, my DF becoming unwell and passing away obviously will have massively impacted this) and I wouldn't imagine she would have the mobility or energy to look after a 5 year old. I wish I still had both of them and I wish they were both still fit and active and many people are in their 70s are and many aren't. People saying they 'should' do this / they're 'a bit useless' if they don't help out because they seem to have the energy to pursue their own interests. I mean, wow, when CAN someone be 'selfish' then and entirely please themselves, if not when they're retired and in their 70s? Surely grandparents or otherwise, our parents can spend what time they have left however they want when they get to this age, without 'having' to help out with childcare?

Without wanting to sound morbid I would personally just be enjoying their company whilst they're still here and in good health and long may that continue.

Such a wise and kind post. I'm so sorry for the loss of your father, @Lemonyfuckit

@Otzi I suppose I just don’t see early 70’s as that old at all or them as being that old. They still travel, drive, dress up and drink for nights out, walk for miles etc

It can be quite exhausting looking after and being responsible for young children. Some in their early 70s may still be active enough for hobbies but not for babysitting. My grandparents were late 40s/early 50s when me, my sister and my cousins were all small, in their 70s they now have great grandchildren and would not be able to babysit.

With the average age for starting a family increasing, the age of becoming a grandparent is getting older so it's likely people won't have the same support from parents that other generations have had

It’s not me being entitled at all, it’s not about childcare. I can afford it and am fine with having my babysitter/nanny. It’s that quality time with her and getting to know her more. Dad is better and plays with her and chats with her a fair amount, mum is quite critical to be honest and I see my Dd isn’t as comfortable with her and clearly adores her grandad. I just wish she’d take the time to seem to want to be with her

My mom was more involved with my DS1 than my DD2. She was a few years older and admitted it was harder, but she still wanted to spend time. Even doing playdoh, etc. is pretty chill. It's sad, you're not BU

But they've literally come to visit you. They've set aside time for the trip. What are you doing to facilitate this quality time you want everyone to have?

I do all those things. But they're all things that you can pace yourself with and only be active for a proportion of the day/activity.

But looking after a toddler is nothing like any of those things. You're not in contorl of how active and busy you are at any one time. You have to 'follow the child'. Hit a slump in a nice walk and you stop for a while and sit. Toddlers don't give you that, and caring for one is simultaneously physically and mentally hard. Especially when they're not your child. I found toddlerhood easy as a parent, because I knew my kids backwards and I was the one responsible for them. I don't know what my DGD will do next, am unsure of what my DD would want me to do in specific situations, and have the absolute fear of DGD getting hurt under my watch.

It's not remotely like travelling, driving, having a night out or walking a long way. All those are under my control and done at my own pace and not a 3 year olds.

You just aren't getting it at all,

@Otzi What am I doing? Trying to encourage my mum to play/talk with Dd more, but she generally just sits and watches tv, it’s like Dd is an annoyance in a way

@saraclara I do get it, she’s 5, not a toddler, she’s very independent. I wouldn’t mind her just watching a film on this occasion or she’d draw etc

My parents are both 70 . My mum still comes and babysits and does some gardening for me. We go on long hikes too.
my dad has major health problems but he still picks my daughter up from school now and again and his grandson every day and takes him to the park.
do your parents have any health issues?

Aw, thank you @SarahAndQuack!

When I was 3, my Grandma was 43. When my kids were three, their Grandma was 53. Now my DGD is 3 and I'm 67.

Looking back, as many mums on here do, and saying 'but my own mum's mum looked after me LOADS' is just not relevant now.

It's actually amazing how the first child demographic has changed. Back in 1986, at 30, I was the oldest in my antenatal group. Now I'd almost certainly be the youngest.

My parents are 72 and 68 now and love having my kids over to stay, but the kids are 19 and 15 now. I think if they were a decade younger my parents would struggle.

I'm 42 and I'm struggling with watching a friend's 1 year old twice a week tbh. If/when I become a grandparent I can't promise that I could provide decent childcare, even if it was in the next couple of years.

@saraclara agree with that. A couple of generations waiting a few years each to have kids means grandparents are elderly while their grandchildren are still preschoolers. It's a whole different ballgame to how things were pre millennium.

ChillED*

Dad's mid 70s, mum's late 60s. They're both quite involved and confident to babysit - they helped out a lot when I was recently hospitalised, helping DH with getting the kids up/school runs around his work hours and taking the youngest to stay with them as he was off nursery with chickenpox.

My mum is mid 60’s and does loads for me, very hands on. A typical nana. Dh’s parents, early 70’s, do nothing. I love them, they are wonderful people and very kind but I do feel like my children have taken a back seat to sil’s children. They don’t go away much anymore, but they think nothing of dropping everything to do something for their other grandchildren who are adults but my 6yo DS didn’t even get a message on his birthday. They never ask to take him out, go round for tea, nothing. And just to note, I have adequate childcare, I don’t need help with DS and I’m not asking for myself, this is purely to build a relationship with DS. I don’t really know how to deal with it because we do get on so well.