Anyone with parents in their early 70’s?

[Ivebeenslimed]

How much involvement do they have in your child’s/childrens life?
My parents are early 70’s (dad 74, mum just turned 70)
Dd is 5, they’ve never once babysat her, they’re staying with us at the moment (live too far to just pop by) I have to work 2-3 mornings for 3 hours, I asked if they wanted me to keep the babysitter or if they’d be at home with her, they said they thought it was better to keep the babysitter. The babysitter comes around, they go out somewhere for walk/coffee and I pick them up.
They used to babysit my sisters kids having them overnight some weekends, whilst my sister worked, even once for a week whilst she went on holiday.
I asked my mum why it was different for me/us, she said because of their ages now, yes they are older than back then, but still go out every day and are active. She also said Dd is energetic, I said if she wanted to, she could literally stick the tv on and just chat to her as it was only 3 hours. I also said it would be nice for them to bond, which she looked surprised/confused/not that bothered about.
Aibu to feel sad about this? Am I expecting too much and are they too old to do this?

Exactly. And a lot of it is luck of the draw.

By 70 most people have at least one long term condition they need to keep an eye on. Sometimes the condition impacts energy/concentration etc, sometimes it doesn't, or not to the same degree. That in turn may or may not impact confidence.

Aging isn't linear but by 70 it is a factor in all kinds of decisions.

As other have said, it's fitness more than age.

My parents are 71&70. They look after my toddler twins once a week term time and do various ad hoc childcare bits e.g. my eldest on INSED days and for a sleepover once or twice per holiday as my dad likes to snuggle up on the sofa with her for a film and some popcorn - he inevitably nods off after 20 mins I'm told!

BUT they are in very good health. They still travel regularly including hiking mountain trails and going to deserts etc. Not going skiing again though. My dad plays a sport for the county over 70s team 3 times a week and does tours with them abroad a couple of times a year. He's also a keen gardener/handyman.

My MIL is nearly ten years younger than my parents. She took my DD out for a day trip once 3 years ago, but that's it. Her health is poor and she really found that day tough, which is why it has never been repeated. She's in a nursing home now, nearly blind, unable to talk or to steer her wheelchair or light her own cigarettes. I think most people fall between these extremes, but the point is that you can't tell how able someone is to cope with childcare just based on their age.

Our children are also the only grandchildren on either side. Always will be on my side, and likely to be so I'm my DH's side for another 10 years or more (half brother 15 years younger than him). That makes a difference, fair or not. My parents don't have any worry about making sure things are fair, nor are they worn out from looking after children for years and years.

Completely disagree with this opinion. There is no "should" about spending alone time with grandchildren. Grandparents do not need one on one time with grandchildren as the only way to bond with them.

If they are not comfortable with child care responsibilities then that should be completely respected. There is nothing wrong with them not wanting to babysit. It doesn't matter what the reasons are - it is not a reflection on you or them and it certainly doesn't make them "useless grandparents".

Your feelings are about the expectations you have of them, I'd put these to one side and enjoy the positives about your parents and spoil them while you can. They have come to see you and your children and will get to spend time with the whole family if they are staying a while.

Imagine the tables were turned and you were visiting your parents and they asked you to spend the mornings doing; let's say, a gardening project and should they tell the usual gardener not to come. If you don't want to, you don't have to - it wouldn't make you a "useless child" if you were able to but didn't want to help out in the garden? Would you want people telling them that you obviously don't care enough, aren't bothered and clearly don't value what is clearly important to them?

Both sets of my kids' grandparents are early 70s, but my kids are technically adults now. This is the age when mobility starts to wane. I see lots of people of that age in care homes and/or with dementia through work. Shocking but true.

Maybe they just want to relax? Looking after young kids is hard work.

It doesn't really matter if you think they are too old or if you think you're expecting too much, because your parents are literally telling you that they don't want to do this for whatever reason. Listen to them.

Are you me? I could type very similar apart from my mum being a couple of years younger. DD is the same age at 5. Although she is their only grandchild.
They do very little childcare, and asked me if DD could go to after school club instead of them picking her up one day a week which is what we do now. They are both in good health and local , no reason for them not to do it apart from they don't want to. MIL is 70 and the complete opposite.
I've come to the conclusion that some people are hands off grandparents and want to enjoy their retirement in peace. My dad never hugely wanted children, he probably wants grandchildren even less!

My parents are mid 70s and are really slowing down, my mum especially. They have my dds on a Monday after school (their suggestion), they take them to a ballet class while I finish work but I’m not sure how much longer they'll be able to do it for, even if they want to it’s getting a bit much for them.

My in laws are all in their 70s and fly around the world multiple times a year. They dodge every opportunity to see GC. It's not age, it's priorities. But that come home to roost.

My parents are early 70s they do look after my nieces and nephews, but I can see how tiring they find it now and where possible I or one of my child-free siblings try to be around to help out (i.e. we're really the one looking after the kids). And these kids are all a few years older now - they were even more hard work when they were younger.

If I had young kids no way I would ask them to look after them, I don't think it would be fair to either my parents or the kids.

It’s a shame they don’t even what to bung the telly on a watch a film with her

It's not just that though is it? It's having sole physical responsibility for a five year old for hours at a time.

Maybe she'll just watch TV but maybe she'll fall over and split her head open, or drink bleach, or start with a tummy bug, or all manner of things that require adult responsibility/input that OP's parents don't feel equipped to provide. After all, if the only thing that was going to happen is watching telly then OP could just leave her at home on her own and go to work, couldn't she?

My parents are late 70s and they have our 3 year old once a week overnight and for the next day. They will also have our 8 year old during the holidays.

My mum is 64 and still
working full time my dad is 73 and retired and they have guardianship of my niece and nephew, so have 2 young kids full time. My dad does most of the caring while my mum is at work. The do find it hard but don’t really have much choice.

I think you're focusing too much on the physical aspect. Yes you're parents aren't decrepit but a 5 year old can be mentally draining. My mums in her mid 70s but we had our children children much earlier. MY granddaughter is 12, so my mother is a great grandma. My sisters children are 18 and 21. Mum would babysit for them occasionally (not local) for special occasions, eg 2 nights for a wedding...She'd have been in her mid 60s then though. She would also have my children when they were young but she had my dad then and was much younger. She generally had them at her house.
I wouldn't ask her to 'babysit' her great grandchildren now.

Doesn't sound like they lack confidence to me. I'd say it's more likely they find it mentally draining now and a chore than they did when the first 'set' came along.

YABU they are old! Mine are this age and can mind 4yo twins for a few hours, take them to the park, or do bedtime, which I am INCREDIBLY grateful for!! They are knackered afterwards. Shattered. It is very very kind that they do it.

If your mum says it's too tiring, it is. Just do nice things like have lunch with them. I have a chronic illness and there's a lot of things I "should" be able to do at my age that exhaust me. If she's in her 70s.... A lot of ppl don't make it that far 😬 sorry

My parents are that age but no grandkids yet. I was however looked after every weekday by my granny from 70-79, then 3 days a week to 82 when I no longer needed after school care. She also looked after her neighbours kids until she was around 85 on a more sporadic basis.

DM is 73 and DF is 74. They are not together and, flying solo, they find my DC’s too much on their own, especially dealing with their squabbling. My youngest is 5.

My parents are in decent health day-to-day, but lead quiet-ish lives and find the DCs too full-on, although they have a fond relationship with them and would definitely step up to help with them in an emergency. They have the usual array of (managed) health conditions and medications for people in their mid-70’s, so they do not have the same energy as even 5 years ago. None of the (4) grandparents has ever had the DC’s overnight at their house. The nearest was DM stayed at my house to keep DC1 and DC2 overnight, when we went away on DH’s 40th birthday. But she drafted in my DSis to stay over too and asked that batch cooked meals were left etc.

I am early 70s. Eldest grandchild was born when I was mid 50s, youngest when I was 68. I do feel a difference. With the older ones I could more or less do everything I did as a parent. I do look after the younger one on an occasional basis and enjoy it. Very young children feel like hard work physically now. Running after and lifting them, changing nappies, getting them into car seats. I could do it but not for two or more days together.
I don't find it difficult mentally at all. I enjoy playing, reading stories with them etc.
My health is okay but I can't do long hikes up hills either. It could be physical tiredness.
I have seen some friends change a lot after 70.

My parents are almost 70, neither really have much to do with my dc, my dc are now teens but youngest has SEN and needs a lot of care. My mum will help out occasionally but only for a hour, she’s never really helped much but she has my brothers dc several times a week.

I think it’s interesting how many people are saying that early 70’s grandparents have lost confidence, or are not so able to help out.

Millennials have had their children much later than their parents did. So assuming their children also have children later in life, we are looking at the average age of a first time grandparent being around 70. What does that say for the future of childcare?

My parents are 71. They have plenty of energy, play golf, go to the gym etc. They collect my dc from school 2 afternoons a week and take them for days out/sleepovers in the holidays. They have looked after mine since they were small but my sister is hoping to have a baby soonish and I do wonder if they will manage to give her so much help as I got as they could be 10 years older by then.

I help with childcare for my youngest dgs, and occasionally for the older ones, especially a 5 year old. To be honest, I find it exhausting, both mentally and physically, even though I am fit, healthy and very active, though no one watching me would have a clue how hard i find it.

I am only in my early 60s, so I can definitely understand how many people in their 70s would not feel up it.
It is a huge responsibility, much more so than looking after one's own dc. Plus child rearing norms (diet, discipline, activities, behaviour etc.) have changed so much too that I can imagine that many people in their seventies would feel overwhelmed just at the thought of suddenly being left in charge of a little one.

The thing is, though, that it is irrelevant what other grandparents in their seventies do. They are all different. Some are still reasonably fit and healthy - though I doubt any are still as fit and healthy as they were when they were parenting their own children. Others will be struggling to look after themselves, let alone a child. The majority will fall between the two extremes.

Oh, and some will have had their fill of children when they were rearing their own. There are plenty of threads here on MN from struggling mums who are hating every minute and can't wait for their children to grow up. If you were one of them, can you imagine how you might feel if, in your seventies, you were suddenly put under pressure to look after children again, however briefly or occasionally?

Yeah, there won't be so much grandparent input. Plus life expectancy has dropped a bit, also 'healthy life expectancy ' ie the age people get to before developing significant health conditions - in some parts of the country that's dropped a great deal. Plus more people will be working right up to/past a retirement age that's already increased.

My mum is 69 and has DD 14 months 2 days a week and overnight probably once every 6 weeks.

On top of that family Sunday lunches etc.

My Dad passed away at 65 unfortunately and missed out on Grandkids. Breaks my heart.

My parents are 74 and 75 I have noticed a decline in last few years and don't think they'd be able for my kids if I had them now as opposed to 15 years ago. I think isolating in covid also contributed they've lost confidence in their own ability. My db had his 1st child last year and my DM does mind her for a few hours every now and again but sometimes she calls me to see if I'd like to come over and see her code for "help" 😂