To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

Your title To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited? is misleading.

It is disabled mil, whom was left by her callous husband for ow, that you want to tell to grow up and uninvite.

Uninvite the immature cheater who left his wife because ‘her disability was holding him back’. He needs to grow up.

The amount of people suggesting MIL deserved this is absolutely shocking. How vile you are to think such a thing.

MIL is hurting. She needs more patience and care! Your FIL needs to be the one punished for his behaviour, not her. He is the one who caused all of this. The poor bloody woman has been left to fend for herself after being cheated on and abandoned and she is at fault?? Misogyny is alive and well.

I feel sorry for your MIL tbh, you all sound awful, may be better for her to cut you all off. If it was me I'd be spending limited time with the FIL and the other woman wouldn't be welcome at all but you do you 🤷‍♀️

Why does DH want a relationship with his adulterous father who split up the family?
Why does SIL need to be walked down the aisle by her adulterous father who split up the family?

@AndWordsWhen Exactly what happened to me, 34 years ago. My mother emotionally blackmailed myself and my brothers into cutting all contact with our father. Personally I was so shocked and frankly embarrassed at what had happened that it just seemed easier to go along with it.

Looking back, I'm appalled at how badly my mother behaved. My father had been unfaithful the whole time they were married - but that didn't give her the right to use her children against him, especially as by the time he left we were all over 18. Like your mother, mine is still very very bitter and I've been low contact with her now for 25 years.

Her behaviour is very extreme and obviously not right but perhaps if the rest of the family had shown her a bit more clearly that they weren’t just accepting and dismissing what an utterly horrific thing the FiL has done, she wouldn’t be behaving quite so extremely. I imagine she is deeply hurt that there isn’t more support for her over her ex husband - this wasn’t a mutually decided split, what he did was utterly cruel so it should be him bearing consequences and not her. This is one of those situations where someone has done something so awful that sitting on the fence and ‘not wanting to get involved’ just comes across as supporting the perpetrator and dismissing the very valid hurt of the victim because it inconveniences you to stand up for what is right and you’d rather just ignore it.

It’s pretty horrible that your husband and his sister are continuing to treat their parents equally in terms of family events after what he has done. It’s very early days and she shouldn’t be forced to endure being around him in order to not miss our on her family. So I think she is being extreme because she feels you are all expecting far too much of her (you are) and failing to stand up and support her by prioritising her comfort over your FiL’s inclusion (you are).

Yes it would be nice to all ignore this and act like what FiL has done doesn’t need to affect anyone else or get in the way of wider family events but that’s nonsense, he has put a bomb under your family and your MiL must be deeply hurt that you’re all failing to stand up for her against him in any meaningful way.

We have supported her consistently for the past 6 months

Is it only 6 months? She will need much longer to start to adjust, even a couple of years. 6 months is nothing.

I was always much closer to my dad than my mum, but would have absolutely and primarily supported my mum in these circumstances, while retaining a relationship with my dad.

I would have two separate smaller family meet ups introduce your baby to family members and the same with any other minor events.

Obviously SIL can't have two weddings and your MIL will need to accept FIL will be there (without his new partner) and do her best to get through it for her dd.

She isn't doing this to be awkward. She is hurting and will be hurting for quite a while yet.

Wow!

Agreed your MIL is lashing out and her upsetting your child needs very firm dealing with.

That was crossing a line that I wouldn't tolerate under ANY circumstances.

However your FIL is truly the scum of the earth.

Your poor MIL has been betrayed in the most heartbreaking way and must feel so devastated and fearful.

Words nearly fail me.

You are a young woman OP, I suggest you take a long hard look at that man you married.
He sounds of similar character to his father, that he could stand by and engage with a father that would do that to his mother.

Unbelievable.
Loyalty isn't his strong suit clearly.

Look at your own children and try and imagine yourself 30 years from now and how YOU would feel.

They share DNA, and the apple often doesn't fall far from the tree.

I am so glad that despite loving my husband deeply, HIS morals do not dictate MINE.

Your FIL is a truly awful excuse of a man, and I wouldn't want him near me, and my husbands views would not dictate mine in a similar situation.

That your SIL would want a father like him involved in her wedding, when he has made such a mockery of the vows he made to her mother, is really sad.

I would be looking at my husband very differently knowing he is so quick to move on from such horrendous treatment of his mother.

I'd also be very nervous of ever getting ill🙄

The FIL sounds horrid. The MIL sounds horrid. My mum was left by my dad and felt humiliated and poor, but she correctly recognised that the relationship between dad and children is for them to sort out, not for her to manage. Making the days after your birth about her, making children's birthday parties about her I'm sorry but none of that is very nice. I don't subscribe to the 'oh well she's divorced/bereaved/sad/old, that's why she's so unpleasant' type thinking because IMO nicer people deal with these things gracefully (and moan to their best friend or a therapist) and horrible people lock onto these things as a mechanism to control others around them in an unpleasant way; it's like passing the badness on. I wouldn't be listening to her slag off my dad full stop. That's not an appropriate conversation for a parent to have against the other parent. I disliked my dad's behaviour and dealt with it in my own way.

Also, all this poor, old, disabled woman- how old is she?! Being disabled so as not able to work at all is terrible, but would she really rather be the object of pity and have him stay? Is she 80? why is it inconceivable she might have something of a life after him?

Clearly FIL is a bit of a shit, she sounds awful too, I'd be bodyswerving those fun BBQs for quite a while.

No one has to stay married to someone they don’t love but the FIL leaving his disabled wife destitute—so that she needs to accept financial support from her children—is shockingly immoral. That seems to me to be a place the children should intervene.

I also think that the MIL needs serious emotional support—I suggest you at least turn her own to CHUMP Lady so she can meet other people who are going through an acrimonious split with a cheater.

I think your line about seeing why he left her is disgusting tbh.

Sounds exactly like my parents 20 years ago. My dad cheated and still with that same woman. My mum held it against him for the rest of her life until she died. She would get funny if I saw him and would want me to pass on horrible messages. She would constantly bad mouth him. When she did it in front of my daughter it was the final straw as she was starting to understand words. My mum damaged me by doing all she did. I understand her hurt at my dad cheating but how she dealt with the situation was awful. She even took it out on me. I actually have a better relationship with my dad because he doesn't bad mouth my mum and didn't use me as a middle person.

I would cut FIL off and support MIL completely in this situation. I definitely would not allow the OW anywhere near the family that she destroyed

I'm 100% team MIL here. The FIL sounds awful. Not just cheating but then leaving a disabled longterm wife with unpaid bills, no phone etc. If I were his children I'd want nothing to do with him for quite a long time. It seems incredible that SIL would be content for a man like that to walk her down the aisle, or that anyone would want him to meet grandchildren. It does seem like a kick in the teeth to the MIL that no one's on her side. It's such a clear case of when sides should be taken, there's an obvious right and wrong. Maybe in a few years when the dust had settled there would be time to see whether he'd changed and try again for a limited relationship, but there's no coming back from some of the stuff he's done.

well said, exactly this

You can see why her husband left her?

Are you for real?

Understandable that your MIL is angry & jealous but she should not be putting you in this position with totally unreasonable demands. Ultimately your FIL’s new partner will have to have some contact as she will be his wife & your DH wants a relationship with him & rightly so. Hopefully time will improve her ridiculous behaviour & she will get over it but it’s ok to tell her no, you don’t have to accommodate her outrageous demands.

In a very similar situation, we explained to MIL that we weren’t taking sides, although we understood how hurt she was.

We explained to FIL that the OW was not invited to family events, because we wouldn’t make MIL feel uncomfortable or upset when spending time with grandchildren etc.

MIL and FIL get invited to everything. If either decide not to come for any reason, that’s their choice. We’ve visited FIL and OW has been there, so we’re cordial. But we don’t host events where OW is invited and MIL has to worry about bumping into her etc.

FIL didn’t come to his daughters wedding, because OW wasn’t invited. That’s his choice, although I personally think he made the wrong choice.

This may not be applicable right now but at some point you just invite who you want to family events and let them decide if they want to attend. It is their choice to make. No separate times for this one or that. It only adds to your distress. I do agree with the poster who suggested that the OW not be invited to family events until she and FIL are married. As for the wedding, the bride and groom should, again, invite who they want to share their day.

If I was your DH I'd be raging at my dad. He's absolutely shit on his mum. Not only cheating on her but leaving her with little money and cutting off her phone. He's even happy letting his own kids pay bills for their mum. No, he shouldn't have to stay if he's not happy, but there's ways to go about leaving. He's been/being a total arsehole. If I was your DH, MIL would be taking priority for events. She has nobody, FIL has his new women. Other women wouldn't even be considered for visits. She must be very hurt, lonely and scared and I would imagine depressed.

I don't get why you WOULDN'T take sides. mil would probably recover much quicker if she felt loved and supported and secure. imagine, your husband cheated on you because you are disabled, left you broke and cut your phone off. then your kids, that you squeezed out of your bagina won't take sides and tell you to grow up or fuck off. infact if I was MIL, I would tell the lot of them to fuck off and go drink Pina coladas in the sunshine forever on my own

Your MIL has got the moral high ground but she is abusing her position by trying to guilt you all into aligning with her to get revenge. Turn it around, tell her that as long as she behaves like this you won't visit and you will stop the children going round.

Totally agree with this. I feel extremely sorry for your MIL. She's devastated & everyone just wants to move on! No surprise your FIL can seem reasonable but he's been a complete shit & no doubt she not only feels betrayed by him but also by her DCs who have moved onto accepting the other woman so quickly.

You need to support your mil in this and not expect perfect family occasions, that's not what is important here

One has to wonder, given what FIL has done and MIL behaviour since, if there wasn’t a lot more to the split than the disability and the OW.

There is being hurt but given they’re “newly divorced” they’re a fair way down the track from the split so continuing to be poisonous and abusive (and possessive of “my family/my grandchildren” etc) are something else entirely.

Check out of this - they grow up or they both stop getting invited. Oh and SIL should have her dad walk her down the aisle if that’s what she wants. It’s her wedding. Not her mothers who I suspect will do her best to spoil it regardless of whether FIL turns up or not.