To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

Too add before the ‘it’s none of your business’ comments begin, we are all very close (or were prior to this happening) and I have been in their lives for almost 20 years.

My friends Mum sounds exactly like your MIL. Except this happened 30 years ago and my friend still has to lie to her mum and seeing her dad, have separate birthday parties for her kids, etc. it's fucking ridiculous and no way should you give in to it.

She is of course entitled to be hurt and upset but she shouldn't be allowed to rule her family like this with her feelings.

Yep - grow up or stay away!

I feel a bit sorry for your mil to be honest. Sounds like it's all really raw for her and your family party sounds like it would be very hard for her. I imagine it's much easier for you all to accept and move on with your lives than for her. He probably was her while life. Maybe the new woman shouldn't be at your party?

@Purewhitegold of course it's your business especially the impact its having on your DH and children.
Your MIL is hurting but by alienating everyone else in the family through her thoughts, actions and conversations she only has herself to blame.
Your FIL sounds as if he is just getting on with his new life and your MIL needs to do the same.
If she continues to carry on in this quite frankly ridiculous manner then she is at risk of losing more than her dh.

That’s a really tough one for everyone involved. You all know mil is hurting and want to acknowledge it without losing fil too. What he did was wrong and you’ve all said that. He’s hurt his ex wife when he should have ended it but I guess at the end of the day that was his decision and his adult children and grandchildren shouldn’t pay the price for it.
I understand her wanting to keep her distance if the ow is around, it makes sense and she’s hurting so not wanting to see fil but you can’t pause your life.

Your dh and siblings need to talk to her. They need to explain that they are stuck in the middle and hurting too. They don’t want to lose their dad and their definitely don’t want to hurt their mum but they can’t be made to choose.

For this little arrival party id ask fil to keep his new partner away. Then I’d explain to mil what time the party is, when she’s welcome to arrive and that he will be there but she can leave before he arrives if she wishes to.

I would not invite the other woman to the family celebrations.
I would however invite both the parents separately to meet their GC and this time I'd invite MIL to meet GC before FIL.
Both get invites to the wedding, if MIL chooses not to attend that is her right.
If MIL tries to involve others in her fight with FIL I'd say I understand you are very hurt by what has happened and that FIL has behaved badly. However say that despite being sympathetic to her position you are not prepared to be drawn into ongoing drama.

I was furious when my grandad bought my nans best friend who he had left for her to meet my baby at the hospital! my grandad was my nans entire world! I think yabu to think she’s being “petty” she’s extremely hurt! She’s dedicated years of her life to him for her to become disabled and thrown to one side cheated on its absolutely disgusting!

If it was a amicable split then he met her entirely different but it’s the betrayal! Why would you invite that woman to anything?! Invite fil on his own to every event? Surely that’s the right thing to do.

Gosh your FIL really is a shit, isn’t he? It’s obviously still raw for your MIL, and I don’t blame her for being completely broken by this. Hopefully, once enough time has passed, she’ll realise she’s much better off without him.

Would MIL consider talking to someone, and receiving some counselling? She’s had a terrible shock and her whole world has been turned upside down. She needs some real support.

I am sorry for your DH and his sisters, but in their position I wouldn’t want the other woman at my wedding / my child’s birthday party / family event until the dust has settled, and until it was clearer if she was sticking around or not.

How awful for you.

I can see why her husband left her.

I would not want either of them at a family gathering in honour of your baby if they are going to add histrionics and drama.

Go ahead without either of them.

If you are close, take her out for a coffee and tell her all this. That you understand the hurt and upset, that no one is expecting her to play happy families, that what happened to her was indeed awful and cruel, but she's cutting her nose to spite her face. Atm she hates her ex more than she loves her children (and grandchildren) and it shows which in turn hurts them.

You need to take some responsibility for organising ‘family gatherings’ when it is going to be so fraught.

Don’t tell them how to behave or what to do. Try to step back and disengage. Seriously, just put the phone down.

Other woman isn’t invited and never has been, just to make this clear. I haven’t met her and I have no intention of having a relationship with someone who intentionally sleeps with a married man while his disabled wife is home alone.
FIL used to threaten not visiting any of us if we didn’t allow her to come with him but he’s since accepted that he won’t see his grandchildren if that’s the case.
the petty comment is related to how she is using her children and grandchildren as a pawn to hurt FIL via us. I don’t think her feelings or reactions are petty at all, I’ve been in her shoes and it was extremely heartbreaking. No one deserves to feel this way. We have supported her consistently for the past 6 months, but she can use everyone against each other forever.

*cant

How long is it since all this happened ?

Your FIL & OW sound like they have all the sensitivity of a housebrick. Not sure why OW needs to be a the baby event? Can you imagine if she gets referred to as a “grandma” ouch

Your MIL is grieving, you are describing a classic grief cycle, and she needs time to get to the other side. Talking to a counsellor might help, getting out more, meeting new people - she needs a really good friend.

Don't expect them to attend family gatherings at the same time

My mum had an affair and left the family and in the 23 years since my mum and dad have only been in the same room once, at my wedding ten years ago and she made the whole atmosphere toxic.

They must make the decision themselves if they can behave at unavoidable gatherings such as weddings, but otherwise don't expect them to ever tolerate each other and never speak of them to each other.

You lay down your rules (I will not speak about fil or pass on messages, if you mention him I will walk away, we understand your emotions but you can't tell us what to do with our family etc)

Hope that eventually reinforcing your boundaries causes them to pretend each other no longer exist, and don't expect them to ever be in your house for a family party together

I agree with this. You are really rubbing salt in her wounds by organising events that you expect her to socialise with her ex at.

She disabled, her husband has dumped her in her older years, she's probably financially hit and probably very scared. She doesn't have the option to rebuild her life the same way she would if she were younger. Do you really expect her to just smile and wave alongside the guy who blew her world apart? I think that's pretty naive.

If you've been cheated on in the past, you've at least had the chance to move on and rebuild your life, remember it's not the same for your MIL.

I'd be pretty disappointed in my family if they just wanted to airbrush my pain away for the sake of a social event.

I think she's really hurt, and it doesn't go away.

As FIL plans to rapidly remarry, it's no longer possible to keep the OW at a bit of a distance until the rawness has passed. I think FIL is being am insensitive shit in bringing her in to family circles so quickly.

But he's done it, so the question moves on to how to deal with devastated MIL in the short/medium term. Lots of private reassurance to her - she probably feels abandoned enough, without seeing the OW in her place and being treated as such by her family. This may be over-sensitive, and it definitely puts you all in a hard place.

Right now, she's a bottomless pit of need. I'm assuming she was not like this before. You can't put a time frame on how long it takes to begin to heal, but you can give her as much attention and reassurance as possible.

And I'd try to avoid inviting her to events before they actually marry.

DH should not pass on any messages (unless purely admin) but should make sure he spends time listening to his DMum and making sure she knows he values her. At the times you think she is going too far, you may need to intervene - gently - to tell her enough's enough for now. But I can totally sympathise with her wish not be be supplanted as Granny - it's a devastating change for her.

Everyone needs to take the same approach here and be consistent. Obviously, naturally mil is very hurt and grieving a relationship but it's not fair for her or fil to make it everyone else's problem. I would suggest that she needs to seek counselling to get proper support and an appropriate outlet for the hurt she's experiencing but she can no longer make her children the go between. I would encourage everyone to say that in their own way and then when she starts to bring it up, say to her I know you're hurting. I've already told you I won't be put in the middle of this as I love you both. So I'm changing the subject now. Then if she continues, repeat what has been said and say you need to talk to a professional about this because it's starting to affect everyone around you negatively. I'm changing the subject. If you won't talk about anything else then I'm leaving.

It's just as harmful and hurtful using your adult children as weapons as it is using small children. So while I completely feel for her and she's had an awful time, I wouldn't just let her continue especially if she's upsetting your children to get back at their gfil.

Appreciate the replies.
We do feel for MIL and we have bent over backwards to be there for her constantly, this isn’t realistic to keep up forever for any of us. I was consoling her a day after giving birth when I should have been recovering from an emergency c section so her feelings are very important to me. SIL can’t have 2 weddings so both her parents can attend. I’ll celebrate my children as I would usually regardless of their differences because my children’s birthdays and births still exist. Booking 2 of every event is exhausting, expensive and time consuming. We’re a family who have a lot of gatherings and parties. If one of them doesn’t want to be there because of the other, that’s completely fine, but they can’t permanently expect us to make new arrangements for them each time. As adults I think it’s important they find a way to compromise for the sake of their children. DH is comparing it to a custody battle between divorced parents of young children, it really is that childish at the moment.

What do you mean he cut off the phone line- his so she can't contact him? Or hers so she can't contact anyone?

I think you have to invite everyone you want to be there. Tell them all you understand that emotions are running high, but you will not be involved in peoples demands. You are holding a celebration for your new DC and if anyone feels unable to attend without spoiling it by behaving badly then perhaps they shouldn't attend.

Your MIL has every right to be ‘childish’. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to be in her position; elderly, disabled and humiliated and abandoned. Not to mention heartbroken and possibly scared for her financial/living situation. It sounds like it’s been six months since it happened, so not ‘forever’. 30-odd years or however long they’ve been married won’t be forgotten in the space of half a year! You have no idea how she feels and whatever experience you have of being cheated on and hurt will pale in comparison to the break down of a long marriage with children. FIL sounds like a narcissistic shit, he should be contrite and looking for forgiveness and tolerance, not throwing his weight around while you all treat him as an equal ‘victim’, because you want to hold parties and events like the olden days. I’d be disgusted at my dad if he did this and he would be getting short shrift for the foreseeable, as would whatever skank he had on his arm!

@Lovingitallnow he cut off her main phone line for everyone as he paid for it, he didn’t tell her he’d stopped paying some of the bills until she got letters. As she’s disabled and cannot work she’s on limited income so we now pay some of her bills. We have kept a wide berth from FIL for all these reasons, however he is still DH dad and he wants a relationship with him.

OP some of the things you described are acceptable from your Mil and some aren’t. I think the OW needs to be kept away but she has to accept Fil will see the kids etc. I definitely think you need to decide what is fair and ok with you kids and put it to her. Then you all need to encourage her to seek therapy this will help her see it all better in the long term. I feel so sorry for her but I can imagine how it’s affecting you all.

Situations like this blow families apart. That's the reality. If your DH thinks that they can work out an agreement, it's just not going to happen. It's too late for that.

You need to accept they won't be at the same event, so just alternate the invites and don't pass messages on. Be firm with both of them.