To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

Again, here are your own words,

“I don't care how hurt she is or how much worse the grandfather is.”

There is a thing called a moral compass and also a concept called empathy. Neither can be found in Op’s posts nor in the posters’ comments who think what fil did is forgivable but what mil did is unforgivable.

There is a scene in It’s a Wonderful Life when George Bailey is a young boy working for Mr. Bower. Hopefully you’ve seen it, it’s probably one of the best films ever made. Yes it’s just a film but it illustrates something important.

Druggist Mr. Bower is drunk and accidentally and unknowingly fills a prescription bottle with the wrong thing, actually poison, and tells George to deliver it. Mr. Bower is drunk and incoherent because he had received a telegram informing him that his son has died of influenza. George does not deliver the bottle. Mr. Gower hits George out of anger and frustration and grief. George then tells Mr. Gower that the bottle had poison in it and importantly, tells him he knows Mr. Gower is upset because of his son. They go on to have a lifelong bond.

Sirius, you’ve held onto your anger and hatred and resentment toward your mother for your whole life. It could be you’re more like your mother than you thought.

@MysteryBelle

“I don't care how hurt she is or how much worse the grandfather is.”

^^*
Eh?
You don't can't about 10 yrs old child ?
Children always come first
The mil made her 5 yr old grandchild CRY
I know she's hurting but now MIL is Hurting everyone else.
Op is asking for advise about how to move forward

Quote from op
@Purewhitegold

It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
^^^^^^
It seems op's MIL , in her understandable grief / bitterness, doesn't now care either, what she says or who she hurts.
Making her GS cry on his birthday- come on!!

@MysteryBelle
Bit confused now but they are your words NOT
@YSoSirius
*

TammyJones
@MysteryBelle
The 10 year old child did not side with the cheater
Quote from @YSoSirius

I had this all through my childhood, one parent cheated on the other which was completely wrong of course but in the end it was actually the parent who was cheated on that caused me the most damage way into adulthood.
^^
She said it 'was completely wrong'
That is NOT siding with the cheater.
BUT she did want to see her Dad.
Just because her parents had problems, none of this is ever the child's fault.
The children are innocent in this.
@MysteryBelle
“I don't care how hurt she is or how much worse the grandfather is.”

Sirius, you’ve held onto your anger and hatred and resentment toward your mother for your whole life. It could be you’re more like your mother than you thought

I don't hate them at all, I have a good relationship with them (never said it was my mother either who was the injured party).

But I acknowledge now as an adult that their behaviour in front of and toward me was inappropriate and it definitely damaged me into adulthood so yes I think the way they behaved was selfish and more about them and their feelinfs rather than what was best for me, their child. It's also made me promise myself never to place my child in the middle or weaponise them if the same situation happens to me because I know how it feels to be that child. No matter what you tell yourself, making your child take sides because of an issue that happened between their parents is not good parenting. It is selfish. Perhaps understandable but selfish and wrong still and it shouldn't happen.

I am not the only poster on here who's been put in that situation by their parent who has said it was horrible for them. And it really rather does come back to bite in the sense that I look back now rather unfavourably at the way the parent who was cheated on behaved toward me and I haven't forgotten it.

And yes I refuse to let my children now be put through the same by them so it's move on and act how you should have done when I was a child or don't have a relationship with their grandchildren. Thankfully they chose the former.

@TammyJones

I did actually say this

don't care how hurt she is or how much worse the grandfather is

But it was meant in the context of regardless of OPs MILs hurt, she should never have made her grandchildren cry so she could get her dig in at her ex. It's wrong and selfish. I'll never change my mind about that

I think sometimes the wronged parent forgets that in the vast majority of cases, they are not genetically related to the 'bad' parent but the children are- it's 50% of their genetics. So hating on their other parent is like hating on part of their children, and why the children feel damaged by that. Now, if the children decide themselves that they don't want anything to do with the cheating parent, that's different. But most people do want to have some relationship with their parents, even if they are flawed and not perfect and trying to prevent that, under the guise of a moral crusade, is very wrong. My mum left me to sort out my own relationship with my dad and that's absolutely correct IMO.

Yes this. Something I have said before to my parent.

@YSoSirius

@TammyJones

I did actually say this
'
don't care how hurt she is or how much worse the grandfather is

But it was meant in the context of regardless of OPs MILs hurt, she should never have made her grandchildren cry so she could get her dig in at her ex. It's wrong and selfish. I'll never change my mind about that

^^^*
Apologies it wasn't clear and it had be quoted by someone else but they'd not put your name by it.

I agree with your posts.

Your MIL is not able to properly moderate her emotions at the moment. This is a relatively new and very difficult situation for her and she is still coming to terms with it. She is making demands because she feels completely powerless and vulnerable. That is not to say her behaviour is acceptable.

I suggest you ask DH and SIL to help MIL source counselling (talking matters is free). And GP for help with depression and anxiety. Then they should help her look at are finances - you and DH paying her bills is not reasonable. They are newly divorced but have they agreed financial settlement yet?

I don't understand why you would invite FIL to the 'meet the baby' event by or any other 'event' for a while. You have created a lot of unnecessary drama for yourselves and MIL. He will be ok if he's not invited - he might not like it, but really he doesn't really care about any of you and he put ALL of you in this situation. FWIW I wouldn't do that to my DM.

SIL wedding is not your concern. Hopefully with counselling and time MIL will be better able to adjust to her new situation. There is no reason I can see other than the wedding why MIL should ever have to see FIL again (and this can be managed). A lot of MNers have been in this position.

Obviously she knows OW will eventually also be another grandparent to baby. This is unavoidable if you are going to maintain contact with FIL.

I am sorry that you are feeling burdened with all of this. Maybe try having the next few meetings in public so it's not as easy for her to behave as you have described and you can make your excuses to leave when you want too. Any sign of manipulation nip it in the bud.

Good luck OP and congratulations :)

Hope things are better @Purewhitegold ?