To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

This, I would really struggle to have any contact at all with your FIL, your poor MIL deserves so much better.

I think it’s ludicrous to expect that mil will ever tolerate being around fil. He has behaved so appallingly that I’m surprised any of you want him at family gatherings.

Your dh should be taking your mums side

It's not the OP anyone needs to convince to cut off FIL. It's her DH who needs to see the damage that's been caused.

But that doesn't mean OP or DH have to conspire with MIL to get revenge on FIL. She can be supported without allowing her adult children to be the vehicles for her understandable hurt, bitterness and anger.

So many excellent posts here. I hope you listen. I also agree with the posters who said your husband should be siding with his mother and that perhaps the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. When you’re old and ill, how would you feel to be treated that way? Your lack of true empathy, from you and from husband and sil, is actually very callous. Your mother is rightly sensing that and her reactions are the result of cruel husband and cruel children and dil not actively siding with her. Let fil stew in the mess he’s made. He doesn’t deserve to be invited to anything. The way you talk about your mil is disturbing. Your fil caused the whole situation and you all want to move on or sit on the fence. Of course it’s uncomfortable sitting on the fence. After reading some of the other comments, I think I was too nice in my comment.

Your mil not mother

Just being DH's Dad doesn't give him an automatic right to a relationship
FIL has been a total shit and keeping including him in family events legitimizes his behavior and adds insult to injury to MIL. Cut him and OW out till Mil has healed

We had a very similar situation with my FIL and MIL in that they split up and he ended up with one of my MIL’s acquaintances. It was incredibly awkward at family gatherings as MIL was furious and hurt all at the same time. When we christened our first born FIL declared he was bringing his partner. He was told that although she was welcome to come to the church and we had no issue with her, we didn’t feel it was fair for him to bring her to the party at our house afterwards as MIL would have found it too upsetting. I’m afraid your FIL will have to accept that he can’t just roll up with his new woman, if he cares about the family he will have to do it gradually and respectfully. If new partner has anything about her, she will understand and allow this for the good of the children and grandchildren. It was still rocky having my IL’s in a room together for a time and they had to be supervised, but fast forward 12 or so years and now all of us, including FIL partner, spend occasions together. It’s a complicated situation that can be navigated. Perhaps you could spend some time with your MIL and let her vent, she’s clearly very hurt and no woman wants their children with ‘the other woman’ regardless if they are grown up or not. My MIL explained this to me, she said it was so hard to come to terms with.

Personally I think they've both behaved badly though you can't discount the catalyst for all this rest with FIL.

I'd suggest your DH and his sister need to sit down and agree a set of "ground rules" they are both happy to implement moving forward as a united front.

Then communicate these to both parents and make clear the consequences of not adhering to them will mean a period of low contact.

For example:

• OW is not invited to family events including the wedding
• FIL needs to stop adding fuel to the fire re: actions like cutting off the phone. He's acted very poorly as is and actions like this are just spiteful.
• MIL needs to stop weaponising her children and especially her Grandchildren. This means not slagging off FIL to GC and stopping asking her children to pass on nasty messages. Importantly and threats about the GC are absolutely a red line.
• At family gatherings they will both be invited but given the option to arrive early/leave early and vice versa so they don't meet but this is only a short term solution. As time moves on you expect them to tolerate (or ignore) each other.
• They both need to get used the the idea they will be at the wedding, though you'll make accommodations to seat them separately and ensure they have company and are not left alone. You don't expect them to speak to each other, in fact you'd rather they didn't if they can't be civil for one day.
• and so on as appropriate.....

I understand your MIL is hurting but if you don't challenge this behaviour now, this is going be the situation for decades.

I feel very sad for her, but it's not appropriate to behave like this to her family and if she keeps it up she will push them away.

This. What a grade-a a-hole

reading this made me realise that it is the adult children that need to 'grow up' isn't it. expecting MIL/FIL/OW to pretend all is well so none of their social events are impacted

Children (even as adults) should never be made to take sides between their parents.

They are not extensions of our relationships with our spouse.

They have parental relationships in their own right.

This is what I'm thinking too.

@BreadInCaptivity I agree. It's up to the children how they relate to their parents, plus in most instances they are genetically related (50%) to the parent whereas of course the MIL is not related to the FIL.

Reading the OP again, I don't see why people say that the OP and her family have been cruel- they are paying her bills, inviting the MIL, supporting her, cutting short a birthday party to go to her house, listening to her moan.

The MIL is actively punishing her own child for having a relationship by asking them to cut them off and not speaking to them for days if they have contact.

That's not ok at all, I don't see MIL as at all justified in her behaviour, it's extremely destructive.

In about 1/3 of marriages in the states, the divorce occurs after the wife gets ill. There's no such relationship when the husband does. FIL is a shit, there's a lot of them about, the DH here has to forge his own relationship he is not an extension of his mum and her extreme anger.

And me!

these aren't 5 year olds. they are adult children, presumably with moral compasses and at least average cognition/empathy/intelligence. why are they prioritising smooth running of social events/facade of normality over the MILs emotional damage/well being?

This. I feel sorry for the MIL but she is being very manipulative here.

Hang on, he had an affair, then left his wife and then cut off his abandoned disabled wife’s phone line. That’s not petty that’s appalling. All in the last 6 months. I’d be surprised if they can ever be in the same room again. No chance if this has all been happening in the last 6 months. Your MIL does not need more exposure to this awful ex just because it’s easier for you all. Nor does she need to be effectively cut off from family events by you all insisting that he attends. You need to plan events so that only 1 is there at a time and make 100% sure they don’t cross paths as they leave/enter (or even pop in to drop off gifts!). Even for SILs wedding id say it’s too soon to have them together. Try to get some kind of agreement where they both attend half and don’t need to see each other. As for MIL making your child cry. She’s not being logical or sensible at all because she’s so emotional. That kind of thing needs to stop. You’ll just have to be firm. If she’s willing some counselling may help. But you all have to adjust to this new reality where MIL and FIL can’t be in same place. Family events will never be as easy or fun as before there’s no getting around that. There are long term consequences of FILs behaviour for the whole extended family unfortunately

these aren't 5 year olds. they are adult children, presumably with moral compasses and at least average cognition/empathy/intelligence. why are they prioritising smooth running of social events/facade of normality over the MILs emotional damage/well being?

But they haven't been doing that if you read the posts.

They've been understanding and supportive.

They've made many accommodations to make things easier for MIL.

The problem is her demands are getting increasingly unreasonable.

It's not sustainable.

I absolutely understand how devastated your MIL is and rightly so.
He's behaved appallingly.

What's his financial situation and has he done anything to support his ex whilst she can get sorted. Abandoning his disabled wife and leaving his kids to financially support her makes him a shitty, horrible person. Can he afford to contribute? Can she sell up/downsize?

But, their kids do have a right to maintain a relationship with him and I can understand they want to do this in some capacity.

I think the children all need to speak to their mum and explain that they support her, they love her but this has to stop. She stops making her kids and grandchildren feel shit, she stops making demands and she needs to find a way to accept her kids seeing their dad. Not because it's fair and it won't be easy but because it's not helping her or anyone else.
The way she is behaving is manipulative and will alienate every one.

Then dad needs to be told to behave like an adult too. Stop sulking about his OW not being accepted. She doesn't have the right to be part of your family unless the family want her to.
He also needs to understand and respect he's put a bomb in the middle of everyone's lives so he needs to suck up the discomfort.

To be honest, I don’t necessarily judge the cheating that harshly, but when people make mistakes, a decent person is usually apologetic and accepts the impact of their actions. To then be cruel and financially abusive speaks volumes about your FIL. I’d be bloody terrified about my marriage now. I’d lose all respect for DH if he didn’t take a far harder line with his father about his cruel behaviour after. If your FIL and DH were decent people, it would be pretty obvious that FIL doesn’t come to family parties (weddings different) while your MIL is in a space of extreme hurt. My guess is she is acting out, partially out of the grief of now knowing she also raised two pretty shit humans. That would almost be too much to bear for me.

Can’t you just have FIl and mil at these gatherings for the time being? Minus the OW? With it being very new, it’s clearly very difficult for your mil to move on yet, and must hurt massively to have his GF brought along to every family situation atm,when it’s still a new situation.

The OW isn't invited!

So your FIL cheated on his wife and had her phone cut off and stopped paying her bills and you think she is overreacting??

her 'demands' aren't unreasonable. she is devastated and traumatized and needs to avoid seeing her cruel ex and the woman that he left her for. she is totally destabilised and disoriented. that isn't going to get better if her children continue to be neutral and start giving her ultimatums. I actually think the MIL would be better without any of them, until she has healed but that probably isn't realistic