To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

Good advice too.

Why is your FIL bringing his OW to a family event. That should be a no for a while until things have cooled down.

Your MIL is raw. Give her some love. That means holding the baby first etc.

Honestly, this FIL is a shit. Too early too soon. Even if they are both petty a long marriage does not unwind easily and he is being foolish.

das described your mil as 'elderly', but OP said she was unable to work, I'm a bit confused.🤔

MIL doesn't have to attend the 'meet the baby' party. She doesn't get to dictate who holds your baby or who arrives when, though.

You all need to he firm with her.

If she chooses not to attend gatherings, parties, weddings, that's fine. But she needs to realise she's only hurting the people she loves.

After my df left my dm we had a similar scenario with dm threatening all sorts if we spoke to my df or didn’t completely take dm’s side on everything.
Eventually I called dm’s bluff.
I said it would be sad if dm didn’t see the dgc or didn’t attend an event but the choice was hers and I wasn’t cutting my df off.
She soon realised that whilst we would be sympathetic we would not allow her to dictate family relationships.

Frankly, given the way they are both behaving it's hard to have sympathy for either of them...

Bad shit happens in relationships, and sometimes they go tits up. In my immediate family there have been well over 10 divorces. Yes, one included a disabled person being left because their partner (who they had supported for decades) felt they had become a burden. Many involved infidelities.

Not once, ever, in all of them has anyone let it spill over into the relationships with anyone else. I'm sure plenty of tooth gritting has happened in various family events, but no one would have known it.

Because despite their flaws, they are not quite so self centered and childish to think that their relationship fuck ups should affect anyone but them more than cannot be avoided.

@Purewhitegold why not make it clear that either of them issuing demands ie OW must come, MIL must hold baby first will be uninvited. That way boundaries are drawn for both and they can choose how to act. I really feel sorry for your poor SIL. She can't alternate her wedding invite... also if your PIL are actually divorced, the split must have been at least a year ago, if not more? If so, time to start putting some boundaries in place.

Her hurt is understandable and to be expected (been there) but the rest isn’t on. Her behaviour is immature and manipulative, of course. I would be inclined to tell her that you won’t gossip about FIL, change the subject if and when it does come up and if she doesn’t wish to attend an event, calmly just say that’s fine. She’ll come around or miss out, it’s up to her.

Fil sounds horrendous. Cutting off her phone line and not telling her, leaving her unable to pay bills so his children are now picking up the tab...

So how will the OW hold the new baby if she's not invited?

That wasn't clear at all in your OP. Are you sure MIL knows that she definitely won't be there?

In some ways I think I’m team MIL. It sounds like she has been put through hell - her marriage over because she has a disability. I have to say if I was the adult child in this situation I would be disgusted with FILs treatment of MIL. She has been treated cruelly, yet she is the one that has to suck it up with the other woman flaunted in her face at family occasions. I think your FIL and new woman should be held accountable for their actions - it should be them that are missing out, not MIL. She must think you are all backing the cruel treatment of her to an extent. If you put yourself in her shoes it must be so hard for her. I would be cutting her some slack.

Just to confirm MIL fears about other woman holding baby were just fears, it hasn’t happened. She needed reassurance she wouldn’t be replaced as grandmother. I think it’s in her head we meet them regularly and have a lovely time together when the reality cannot be further from the truth. I do understand as it would make me paranoid and worried too, she stole her husband so it’s understandable she’d feel she stole her children and grandchildren if she had a relationship with them. I have no respect for FIL for what he’s done. I have to go with DH wishes and be polite, but it doesn’t mean I’m ‘on his side’ so to speak. SIL is a ‘daddy’s girl’ at the grand age of 33 so it’s harder for her. She doesn’t want to upset the relationship with her mum. We’re all there for MIL and pop in daily to help her with anything, she knows to phone me any time if she needs to offload. I guess I’m starting to feel bitter that when I have a new baby and I’m trying to recover that it’s still about her feelings and that she doesn’t mind upsetting her daughter over her wedding day. In her shoes I’d totally be devastated, but I wouldn’t let it affect my children.

Sounds very similar to my parents 30 years ago. We stopped being children to our mum, and just became weapons in her battle with DF. I can tell you how it played out long term for us. Initially, we went along with DM and excluded the affair partner from all family stuff. DM became more and more manipulative - it's the boiled frog analogy As the years passed, DF refused to accept that his now wife wasn't welcome at family stuff and ultimately chose to end all contact with us DC. Mum remains single, bitter and manipulative. I'm now LC / grey rock with her as I can't tolerate her endless petty games. If I had my time again, I would not go along with DMs demands. I'd have stayed neutral, refused to do anything that was based on enabling her revenge.
At the end of the day, you need to follow your own moral radar and ignore everybody else's attempts to use you as a pawn in their games.

Tbh, I think if it were my mum and dad, I'd distance myself from my dad for a bit, at least whilst it's still new, and I most certainly would not have the OW anywhere near my home or my children. How long ago was this? But men who behave like shits to the people I love deserve some consequences imo, at least until a decent amount of time has passed.

She's showing her true colours. No wonder he strayed. Anyway I wouldn't even entertain this nonsense. Stop enabling her behaviour.

@Purewhitegold Your MIL has had a lot of cruel blows though, hasn’t she? A disability, a cheating husband, and then the new woman moving in on her family. That’s a lot for a person to take.
Yes, you should be able to focus on the birth of your child, and SIL the wedding. But they are all happy occasions, they don’t compare to a persons life being crushed. Your FIL should be taking steps to make these things easier for your MIL. It shouldn’t just be on your MIL to suck it up. He is the one who destroyed the family dynamics, not her.

Have you been crystal Clear with MIL. "I have never met OW, have no interest in having a relationship with her" etc. or are you just making soothing shushing noises rather than being direct and reassuring her that her worst fears won't happen? Maybe then she'll unclench about the small stuff.

Oh behave.

FIL was welcome to divorce her before shagging someone else, wasn't he?

Whilst I appreciate this was likely a shock for your MIL, and that your FIL hurt her badly, her behaviour towards the family (not him) is unacceptable. Next time she gives ultimatums eg I'm not coming if he's there...just say OK, MIL and don't engage further...at all. Any conversation is a chance for her to further slightly FIL off I also wouldn't be accommodating her by making alternative arrangements to suit her.
I really feel for your SIL. Who'd want that before their wedding?
As for making your child cry, I'd be raging. Her vindictive spiteful streak has gone too far.

FIL sounds awful - he left his disabled wife and then cut off her bills without telling her. Sounds she ahs not got a fair divorce settlement either.

Hell situation for all concerned - OW def not there for some time. If FIL chooses to turn up then his choice - his needs are last priority.

SOunds like MIL - needs help getting out and meeting people who canhelp distract her and build a new independent life

This would have put me off her completely:
we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry

OK she's been treated badly, she's hurt, but that does NOT give her the right to treat you like this and upset your kids. Making a child cry because everything has to be about her ex-husband's awfulness would be the last straw.

I see you also say you were having to console her when you'd just had a c-section! This reminded me of my mother visiting me the day after mine, when I was anaemic, traumatised and in pain. She spent 90% of the time moaning about my dad. They had been divorced 20 years.
Your MIL could become like her. Bitterness about her ex, and trying to make everyone else hate him, could become her life's work just as it became an obsession for my mum. It made all our lives an absolute misery - every single conversation turned into a monologue about how terrible he was and how hard done by she was. Don't let this happen to you.

Don't get dragged into dramas about "will the OW be there". Invite them to things if DH wants them there. They accept or they don't. Be very firm. And let DH deal with any dramas they start.

It is all very well to say invite FIL but not the woman but he WILL turn up with her to 'show her off' even if requested not to.

A bloke did it at his son's wedding and also despite being asked NOT to give a talk did so and went on about his new woman friend!

All of this.

Your FIL also sounds like a complete bastard.

It sounds like a painful shit storm but at the point she made your child cry, on his birthday, she should have been told to change the bloody subject and seek professional help dealing with her trauma in a less destructive way. You haven’t done anything wrong, neither have your children, and the world does now revolve around her.

I'm with your MIL. Your FIL sounds like a complete piece of shit. She's going through a lot but you need to make it clear that the other woman is not invited and she needs to try and move on as its affecting your relationship.