To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild.

If my MIL had said that I'd tell her to get fucked, regardless of the circumstances.

She's choosing to make everyone's lives hell and that's not acceptable. Time to stop bending over backwards for her. Yes it's shit but she shouldn't be making everyone else's life shit in return.

Consider this OP.
There's a few daughters on the thread talking about their experiences with bitter DMs.

The only thing I would say is put yourself in your mother-in-law's place. She had her health taken away from her and because of that her marriage was taken as well. She has the right to be petty and spiteful for a few years.

That doesn't give her the right to poison the minds of children and make them cry.

I'd have as little as possible to do with either of them, they both sound toxic and will bring you nothing but grief.

No way would the OW be welcome at a family party, if it were my party.

Your DH needs to think through his options. Would the compromise be that both MiL and FiL are invited by stagger the times, and FiL’s affair partner ( the OW) is not invited. That’d be my position in your shoes.

Your FIL and his behaviour disgusts me. He made his choice- it was not his family, it was another woman. He doesn’t deserve a relationship with his family. You reap what you sow.

And I do have far more sympathy for your MiL. Your FiL has behaved appallingly and it seems the family is excusing or humouring him.

But I can see that your DH doesn’t want to have to choose one parent over the other. And that fair enough.

@Darkandstormynite I agree with you

This. I’m struggling to understand the need to maintain any sort of relationship with that insensitive shit while he’s behaving like that.

How long ago did the separation happen? If they're newly divorced it might just be too fresh yet for MIL. In saying that, my own mother never got over my father cheating on her and she refused to have anything to do with him after that. I used to worry about what to do if I were to get married because she swore she wouldn't go if he went, and she would never forgive me for "choosing him" over her. That bitterness runs deep in some people.

Hopefully your MIL just needs a bit of time to find a place of indifference rather than bitter hatred.

FIL shouldn't be bringing this woman to any family events. I am not clear why MIL is worried she will be there when she shouldn't be invited?

You all sound absolutely grotesque to be perfectly honest. In your husband's shoes I would be telling his selfish, narcissistic father to fuck off. I'm rarely shocked by what I read on here but something about this situation revolts me.

But cheer up. If you're ever disabled as you age, your DH has his dad as a role model so you can look forward to him leaving you in poverty and your adult children telling you to shush for the sake of some nice photos!

MIL evidently thinks there's a chance the OW might be allowed to attend the party, why does she think that? Has it been made very clear to FIL, and MIL, that OW will not be allowed anywhere near a family event? That if FIL attempts to bring her they'll be turned away? If they haven't, why not. That's the least her adult children can do for her, to show her that they're supporting her.

Your DH sounds spineless tbh. His dad has behaved absolutely appallingly, but he still wants him around?

She doesn't have the right to hurt her son, DIL and even her young grandchildren because of it. None of it is their fault and there's nothing they can do to make her feel better. I guarantee that if they cut off FIL and stick pins in a voodoo doll of the OW, it won't be enough.

Yup. Apparently left her in poverty as well.

Do you know relate does family counselling. Maybe it's worth the children doing an intervention on your mil and dragging her off. Telling her they love her, but she can't control the family with her anger. Doing it as a group might encourage her to see them on her own and let the anger out.
I really feel for her - but I feel for you guys too.

I'd probably suggest FIL attends either before or after MIL too, and if he deviates beyond the agreed time he should be made to leave. Or just don't invite him.

Your FIL’s behaviour was revolting and if that was my FIL I wouldn’t want them anywhere near my children. What sort of example is he setting to your kids and what sort of example are you and your DH by brushing it under the carpet and just saying “oh well, we need to just get on with it”? I’m not surprised your MIL has been insecure and therefore difficult when everyone seems to have not only forgiven FIL’s disgusting behaviour but allowed him to remain as part of the family? He should have been disowned for what he did. I feel sorry for your MIL for being let down by you all.

At least my dad had the decency not to try to attend family events in the earliest few years after leaving my mum and my now stepmum 30 years on still stays away unless expressly invited. It’s all boiled over now but it took a long time.

I’m really surprised at the way the poor MIL is being treated. Her life was destroyed not just her marriage but her health too and she’s facing old age with disability and alone and you want to placate the fil and his mistress with your showy-offy party for a baby who won’t even notice wtf is going on?

he can meet his grandchild seperately. You don’t do that to your family in a malicious and cruel way and expect to maintain the same position within the family. Invite the MIL and the others and tell fil he can come another day.

DH and his siblings need to be very firm about how things are going to be. E.g.

You will both be invited to significant family gatherings. If one of you feels unable to attend, or behave like a grown up, then it is your choice to stay away - or be asked to leave - but we will not be playing favourites.

OW is not invited or welcome at these gatherings, nor do any of us wish to get to know her or form any sort of relationship until we are good and ready, which may well be never.

We will not be drawn into gossip and nastiness. We will not shit talk FIL when we are with MIL and vice versa.

At the end of the day, you are both our parents and you are both hurting us and your grandchildren in making us choose who gets invitations to stuff. If it continues then we choose neither of you.

Ugh, neither of them are covering themselves in glory, are they, and I can see how hard this is - especially on your sister in law.
Sending hugs OP and ignore the horrid comments about your DH doing the same a few years down the line there are some odd and bitter people on here.
You all need to set boundaries for all of them. So your SIL says "I want you to walk me down the aisle dad. I don't want OW to be there. Mum I need you to smile and be happy for me. Can you both do that? If not you're not coming."

Your FIL sounds like an utter bastard. Cutting the phone line and leaving her with bills she doesn’t know about or can afford. People do have to move on but she’s been shit on from a great height. If he was my Dad I’d be furious.

I would tell your FIL that you don't want the OW around and if that means he won't be there either, oh well.

He doesn't get to airbrush your MIL out of the family and replace her with the OW. I don't why you want your DC to have a relationship with someone who cuts off his disabled wife's phone line for spite.