To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

This is a beautifully written and empathetic post. Wise words, eloquently stated.

I hate situations like this. I'm definitely projecting but still.

I had this all through my childhood, one parent cheated on the other which was completely wrong of course but in the end it was actually the parent who was cheated on that caused me the most damage way into adulthood. Bitching constantly about my other parent to me at 10 years old, expecting me to cut them off and getting pissy with me when I didn't want to, never being allowed to say I went here or there today with said parent, anytime I did something wrong I "got that from them", then as an adult it was the same stuff as your MIL, didn't want me to invite them to my wedding, didn't want their partner anywhere near our children (tbf in my case said partner wasn't the affair partner), partner can't be called grandparent etc..

I have so so much anxiety from growing up with this shit. And frankly when I look back I'm now more angry at the cheated on parent for putting that on me, their child (adult or not), than I am at the parent who cheated. It's fucking selfish and there is a point imo when it stops being the person who's cheated fault.

I ended up saying enough is enough when my children were born. I would NOT allow them to go through the same shit I did as a kid, never being able to mention one grandparent to the other without fear of being guilted for having a relationship with them, or listening to one GP bitch about the other. As awful as it is for my parent who has cheated on, it is not my children's cross to bear, just like it shouldn't have been mine either as a child. I basically said if they ever did anything like what they did to me, guilt trips, bitching, refusing to come to parties if the other was there etc.., then they'd have no relationship with their grandchildren. Fortunately they chose their grandchildren and now we can actually manage a birthday party for my kids without too much tension. Something I never got.

Your husband is an adult of course, unlike i was at the time, but your children aren't and I would not have them caught up in this. It's fucking horrible and wrong. It is not for children to manage the hurt feelings of their parents or grandparents.

That's for his daughter to decide not her mother.

Hopefully if your husband cheats on you, your children, young or old, will side with him and you can then be the person you always wanted your mother to be.

If you expect children to take sides against their parents you're a shit parent.

No, I believe in standing up for what’s right. That makes me a good parent.

But you did take sides, didn’t you.

So you think it's okay to bitch about your childs parent to them, to expect your child to cut off their mother or father on your say so, to expect your child never to mention their parent in front of you, to blame all your childs flaws on their "bad" parent in front of them and on and on?

I find it hilarious you think that's a good parent. That's an incredibly selfish parent but you do you.

Like you said, you’re projecting.

No. I just wanted both my parents in my life. Their issues should never have been my problem, certainly not as a child and they certainly won't become my children's problem either.

Making a child cry because of something their grandfather has done is horrible. I don't care how hurt she is or how much worse the grandfather is. It is horrible and it shouldn't happen. They shouldn't have to be dealing with the adults around them hurt feelings.

Surely you made it about my personal situation when replying with 'you did take sides though didn't you'.

You can stop stalking me now.

What? I replied to your comment on a single thread and that's stalking? 🤣 weirdo.

Don't comment if you don't want a reply.

I have been where your MIL has been, married 25 years before FIL left for someone else.
They are still together after 6 years and I have not spoken to him for several years.

It took at least 4 years for the anger and betrayal to fade to a point where his name could be.mentioned, and my then early teen children do an excellent job of keeping in touch with him separately. We have a rule that there are two separate lives going on now, and they do stuff with him ( which I dont need to know about) and stuff at home ( which he does not need to know about). They do a good job of enjoying both sets of parents and their new partners without involving anyone else.
He was a lousy cheating husband and a dreadful liar and a pretty much absent dad, but I recognise that they want to see him as much as they want to see me. We just do it separately.

Honestly, I've no desire to see him or attend any event where he is present, as he's very much a stranger to me, I've no longer any rage, happily remarried now, but out of respect for other family members we no longer attend 'joint' family dos. He does his family thing, We do ours. Neither of us would dream of attending anything jointly.

I did not attend his parents funerals but sent a card to his family expressing my sadness and sharing some happy memories of them.

I suggest that you and your family accept your MIL pain and distress as it is deep and long lasting. Arrange separate opportunities for meeting with FIL and MIL independently, not two parties for everything, just invite MIL to meet the baby before FIL , not on the same day, but for coffee. Alternate invitations to parties. Christmas etc. Agree with your other family members a system and stick with it . It works well for us here. I didnt expect an invitation to his parents funeral ( although they were my in laws for 25 years and I loved them dearly) nor did I invite him to my wedding last year. None of his business!

Separate people seperate lives will make it easier for everyone, the expectation that they can all just move on and be civil now just isnt the case, clearly nor might it ever be.Joint family events are over now their marriage is over, regrettably I think you must accept that both of them at the same event isnt good. Organise and invite one to one thing, one to another.
I am happy without being any part of my exes life, but happy for my children ( and future grandchildren) to be part of his life if that is what they need. He does not deserve their love and attention, but it is important to them, so I let them get on with it without involving me. I am healed and happy, as are my teens by running two happy seperate household events.

I personally dont like that my teens call her family granny and uncle x and nephews y, as they really arent, but this isnt those.peoples fault and they are in their lives and must call them something. I cant insist or micromanage this so I.let it ride. Seperate lives, much easier.

My advice to you all is to accept that joint family events where both will attend, that time is over. Arrange seperate events for MIL to do special things with you and her grandkids. ( not two 18ths, two christmases etc) and ensure that both FIL and MIL have equal opportunities with you all, but separately. We are all quite used to this arrangement here and it's quite 'normal' now .
I feel for you all, but this solution has definitely worked for our extended family.
Finally, Be aware of social media though. I dont want to see his holiday pictures, his Christmas with my kids or their party they threw for a christening, wedding or 18th.
Help your MIL to clean up , block and delete those contacts. So she doesnt feel she has been left out from celebrating and encourage her to be involved in organising some of your family events, but ask family and friends to be mindful of what pictures they post.

For example, for my sons 18th I posted a pic of his cake and a few pics of him and his friends. Didnt include any family so no one feels omitted.

@YSoSirius
I completely get where you're coming from.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Your mother was bang out of Oder
@MysteryBelle can't you see how inappropriate it is bad mouth the other parent to a 10 year old child is?
To the point of blaming said parent for any preconceived personality 'flaws'?
It is sad what happened to op's mil but to bring children into an argument to score points off the other parent is unacceptable and abusive.

Tammy, if a 10 year old is siding with the cheater, as the poster made clear he, or she, did and does, then I think that’s weird and I would wonder, just out of curiosity, why the child 1) is choosing sides, and why he 2) is choosing the cheater. His mother probably was baffled too and was trying to figure it out.

@Fabulousdahlink
Good post.
Made me think back over the last 30 year. Not quite the same but not had one single 'joint' do with my ex.
Never came up.
DD would visit her dad and partner, every other weekend- but DD didn't attend her own graduation, will probably never get married or have children.
For her 18th we took her out for a meal (she didn't want a party ) and then she went off afterwards to meet friends.
My dh has attended one christening in 30 odd years when his ex wife was there. He said a polite hello and that was it. (I had a long chat with her as I like her) I wasn't the OW though - ex wife left him.
My point is you can avoid these things.

@MysteryBelle
The 10 year old child did not side with the cheater
Quote from @YSoSirius

I had this all through my childhood, one parent cheated on the other which was completely wrong of course but in the end it was actually the parent who was cheated on that caused me the most damage way into adulthood.
^^
She said it 'was completely wrong'
That is NOT siding with the cheater.
BUT she did want to see her Dad.
Just because her parents had problems, none of this is ever the child's fault.
The children are innocent in this.

I would:

A - lay down the law with MIL very very firmly. Not you - her adult children need to do so as a joint enterprise.

B - see them in shifts that day or uninvite them from the event and get them to meet baby on different set days.

Or

C - tell both of them you are taking a break from both until they can keep their issues to themselves.

It's fine for MIL to be very upset, but it sounds like she is very manipulative and emotionally abusive. Maybe her disability isn't the sole motor in FIL cheating & leaving. (Good grief! why would he ever tell another soul about leaving her because she is disabled...).

Still stand by the fact is selfish as hell to expect a child to take sides between their parents.

I've witnessed this from another side too in fact. My husband has children with his ex, who cheated on him, he has NEVER ever expected his children to not see or love their mother anymore because she hurt him. He appreciates she is still their mum and that is an important relationship and one they shouldn't sacrifice to save his feelings. Probably because he's not selfish and doesn't expect young kids to manage his feelings for him.

He can't stand here and is looking forward to the day he no longer needs to speak to her regularly but whilst his kids are young he slaps on a fake smile at the door and never bad mouths her in front of them. Because it's a shit thing to do and I'm surprised anyone would call it good parenting to expect a child to take sides in a separation.

“I don't care how hurt she is or how much worse the grandfather is.”

Forcing a child to choose sides is emotional abuse. I was made to choose my dad as he was the 'injured' party. Really screwed me up! Even now when either side of my family slag off the other it does something to me in the way it makes me feel. I hate it.

For context my Dc dad cheated on me. I couldn't care less anymore and we go out for birthday meals altogether, have the odd conversation, he will be in my life forever with graduations, weddings, birthdays, grandchildren etc. I rarely ever think about what he did. My dc was never in the middle of it, never made to choose sides and as much as I don't like him I can get along on a surface level with him just fine. Why would you want to make your dc feel awful about something their other parent has done. I don't need validation from my dc, I don't have a deep desire to be my dcs only parent, their world and want my dc to have as much love and support that is available to them. Why would any mother want their dc to be mixed up emotionally over what went on in their parents relationship. It's their business and not the child/adult childs.

Yes the fil is a monster, how he’s treated his wife, but everybody’s contemptuous of her not him and can’t understand why she doesn’t want to attend family gatherings with him. And can’t understand why she would appreciate someone actually standing up for her.

It would take so little (genuine support) to reassure her but they can’t even do that. Many of us have suggested specific things to do but no, mil must be humiliated at the family gatherings or else not come. 🙄

Because no matter how hurt you are, making your grandchildren cry over it is wrong? What's so hard to understand?

I don't think every single reaction by the hurt party is always excusable. Especially when it comes to emotionally harming their own children or grandchildren because they have been hurt. You should be accountable for how you behave hurt or not and making your own grandchildren cry because of something their grandfather did to you is wrong. In OPs shoes I'd be saying I understand why she's hurting but it's not my children's responsibility to heal her and they cannot be expected to bear her emotions on their young shoulders so if it happens again she won't be seeing them until she can better control herself around them.

It's wrong to place the onus on the children to take sides or to listen to you bitch. Whatever the circumstances. They are children, it is not their problem.