To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

Very tricky situation, and one that many of us have experience of.

It's 30 years since my father had an affair and left my mum. She is still bitter.

I went NC with him for a fair few years, but softened when my mum moved to the other side of the country so it was easier to see him and 'the other woman'.

He ended up being married to OW longer than my mum, but still she was the home wrecking husband stealer.

This break up in your family sounds a lot more callous. The 'But he's my father" excuse wouldn't wash with me. I'm not surprised MIL is lashing out after everything that's been done to her, she sees her son still seeing this nasty piece of work who's ruined her life.

Tell het shes crossed a line by upsetting the grandkids, and any more of that and she's not welcome around them.

I honestly dont think this OW should be anywhere near your family either.

Couldn't have put it better myself.
If I were in you MIL position, I would be raging right now.
Your FIL has been unnecessarily cruel to a wife of over 30 years. Unforgivable !

All of you are experiencing life changing events, you with a new baby by c section, your sil planning her wedding, dh feeling torn between his parents, disabled mil whose h left her callously for another woman after decades of marriage, fil who is living it up with ow and can’t understand what all the fuss is about and why can’t he and ow or at least he attend all ‘family gatherings’ as if all is well, since to him all is well. You, dh, and sil are tired of supporting mil so much and want to enjoy life and the exciting chapters i.e. new baby and wedding. After all, mil needs to get over it sometime. Op, you can’t really say you understand because you weren’t disabled or old when it happened to you. You were able to start again and even young enough to have a baby. The lack of empathy from all of you toward mil is very sad. You say you support her but you don’t want to give her the reassurances she actually needs from you all. For instance:

If I were the sil, I’d want my mother to walk me down the aisle. Even if mil is in a wheelchair. I’d want my mother to glide me down the aisle. I’d invite my father only to the wedding, not the ow. And he can sit in the front row but not walk me down the aisle. That is reserved for the parent who didn’t cruelly abandon their spouse, the parent who remained committed to the family and vows made. Your mother I think would be reassured by this arrangement that clearly acknowledged the truth of what happened and genuine support of her. I would no longer be a daddy’s girl if my daddy left my disabled mother for another woman. I think your sil is selfish and uncaring, thinking only of herself.

I can totally see why mil is so worried about being replaced and not feeling supported.

Likewise your dh wants no part of any of this. He just wants it all to go away. As do you. Again, I understand that you want to enjoy your new child, you deserve that. But truly, it would take so little to reassure mil. Sil by doing what I suggested above, and you by not inviting fil to the family gatherings to meet new baby, but invite him over afterward of course without ow. He doesn’t deserve preferential treatment or even equal treatment right now after how he’s behaved. Make sure you tell mil exactly how you’re handling everything so she will be reassured. Why would you want to invite fil first anyway? Be up front with your support. Mil is much more likely to eventually accept what’s happened if she’s fully supported, and I’m sorry, that means putting fil in second place for a while to reflect the terrible thing he has wrought. You’ve had harsher words for mil than for fil. She’s only reacting to the abhorrent thing fil has done to her. And she is upset that everyone is willing to continue on without any overt support of her. She needs to see her d, s, and dil stand up for her clearly in front of fil. Do you understand this?

Your MIL is not behaving well, but your FIL has behaved appallingly.

I agree with the poster above that there really isn't any need to invite him to family events atm. He has caused all of this, and he can bloody well sit out on the sidelines until the worst of the hurt he has caused has subsided and your MIL is in a better place. So if I were in your shoes, he wouldn't be getting any invites for a while to parties and such so MIL wouldn't have to worry about seeing him.

Obviously though you need to set some boundaries with MIL - she can't dictate that you don't see FIL separately and she shouldn't be mentioning it to the children. But I don't really see why they need to be treated equally just now.

YABU I think before you even begin to address the issue, a family event, you have to encourage your MIL to get therapy. Keep in mind she’s only human and probably doesn’t mean to be as reactive as she is. If she could disengage, I’m sure she would be doing it. Do not engage with the topic, any further. Just let her know that you’re sorry she’s hurting, however, you cannot bare the burden of her frustrations. It will negatively affect your mood and relationships and a professional will be better able to help her process. As a collective, you can’t fulfil that role.

FIL behaviour has been awful, if they’re newly divorced asking her to attend a wedding with him will be too much too soon. She’s already emotionally fragile, sucking it up for a day might make it worse. SIL just needs to accept that she won’t attend if he does.

I would be encouraging FIL to back off while she heals or would maintain very low contact until she’s in a better place. He was cruel and is getting everything he wanted, so if the price is reduced contact with his family for a period, then so be it.

My Dad left my Mum for another woman 5 months after their 25th wedding anniversary (he told her he didn't want a party because wanted then to celebrate just the 2 of them, well we know why now!) My Mum has handled the whole sordid ordeal with dignity and grace and allowed us to have our relationship with him, changed though it is. They both come to all family occasions, they are both remarried and everyone gets along, she's amazing and inspirational! MIL on the other hand is worse than yours and we haven't seen her for 10 years as it was so exhausting trying to monitor everything we said to avoid mentioning FIL etc and they didn't even have anyone else involved in the split! Just get your husband to cut your Mum off when she starts with the bitterness and warn her that she will eventually erode their relationship if she continues

Totally agree with @MysteryBelle

Fil Has behaved appallingly. To all of you. He has brought this on your family. What kind of monster deliberately ensures an elderly disabled woman who now (presumably?) lives alone doesn't have a phone!!! (Just one example of his awful selfish behaviour)

As for sil... is she 12? "daddy's girl wants daddy to walk her down the aisle"?? Sometimes the right thing is to judge a little when someone behaves so badly. Respect and adoration of a parent are not unconditional. If he had abused a child would daddy's girl still want him walking her down the aisle?

I know you are just trying to do what's best for everyone OP and this isn't your circus.... but I think all of you should stop with the "it is what it is" and if mil feels a bit of empathy and understanding from her family she might heal a little and stop behaving so unpleasantly

I get it’s difficult for everyone but to tell MIL to suck it up when her whole world has just come crashing down and the home wrecker is being invited to special family occasions- I can see why she’s acting like she is! Whether it’s pisses FIL off or not I’d be telling him the other woman was not invited and he can do with that information as he wishes. I guess you could call it the consequences for him being a rat and cheating?

I think your MIL needs therapy, very soon, and perhaps you all need some joint sessions with a family counselor. Even if she got a bad deal, she can't continue to blight every family event with her emotional neediness. It's not sustainable.

Was she always like this? Maybe that's a clue as to why FIL found someone else.

Your FIL has been an absolute asshole but that is no excuse for your MIL’s behaviour. She does not get a free pass to be petty and spiteful as some previous posters have suggested especially when she is upsetting young children. Their children should be firm with them both - no OW at family events but your MIL does not get to commandeer every situation to moan or make threats about your FIL attendance. Has she always had these tendencies or is it totally out of character for her?

I would cut MIL a lot more slack.

Its obviously still raw for her, and the fact he left her for another woman and because she was disabled is disgusting.

Of course your DH should keep a relationship with his dad. But I’d have MIL at the proper family celebrations etc and FIL invited separately

You need to decide what you can compromise on and where the lines are and then tell both parents. Like a pp said, that might include:

• we do not want to meet OW, she is not invited to gatherings, if you bring her we’ll ask you both to leave immediately
• no shit talking each other to us
• we support MIL and will help ensure she gets a fair divorce settlement (because FIL is a cheater)
• FIL walks SIL down the aisle (not negotiable). If MIL wants to come to the ceremony she needs to deal with that. If she can’t, FIL leaves immediately after ceremony, before wedding breakfast and speeches. MIL does “mother of the bride” speech and stays for the whole party.
• therapy/counselling for MIL because if she continues to upset grandchildren unnecessarily she won’t be allowed to spend time with them.

Christ, your poor MIL. I know you think you are being empathetic and understanding of her position but it sounds as though all this only happened a few months ago and you are all trying to brush it under the carpet and play happy families? I’m not saying her behaviour is great but it’s very clear how utterly devastated and terrified for the future she is. You all need to grow up and accept that nothing is going to be the same again. The big family gatherings with both MIL and FIL at the same time, with the exception of weddings and funerals, will NEVER happen again. You are being exceptionally cruel by trying to force this.

Your mil needs help and support to process this and find a way forward. This will have shaken her sense of who she is and everything she believed to be true. It took my dm almost 10 years to find an easy path after my df's death. People find it easier when someone has died because divorce makes it awkward and uncomfortable for everyone, because it is.
She needs to be allowed to be angry. It will have changed her view of what she thought was true about the past as well as the future she anticipated she round have. She needs somewhere to have that conversation and it needs to be not with her family.

I grew up with grandparents (and step-grandparents) in this kind of situation and it never resolved. Mum just asked me which grandparent I would prefer at my birthday party. They never, never would be in the same room together. I don’t think I saw them together my whole life and their names weren’t mentioned at each other’s funerals.

Im sharing this because it may be the case that they never “behave like adults” and get over this. And actually the wider family just gets used to it and works around it over time. Sometimes wounds heal into ugly scars. I loved both my grandparents on that side but when they died I realised there are a lot of things I will never know, like how they met, because they never acknowledged the existence of the other.

How long after the OP's inlaws separated did her FIL stop paying for his now ex wife's phone though? If they are divorced that takes years and there will have been a settlement. There are many different types of disabilities and having a disability is not a reason to force someone to live with you who now loves someone else or get them to pay your phone bill forever.
With all this animosity I wouldn't be having any large extended family gatherings though, especially for babies who are oblivious to it all.

What a difficult situation.

I agree with others - for the timebeing, if MIL is going to an event, then maybe don't invite the new woman too. But that's very much a short term solution.

If MIL makes demands like 'if he comes, I'm not going' make it clear that you are sorry that she is making that decision, but it's her choice and you respect that. And that if she changes her mind, of course she would be welcome.

Good luck navigating this one.

I am disabled. It is not possible for someone, who hasn’t walked a mile as an older, disabled person to say with certainty you wouldn’t let it affect your children. Your children are tiny by the sound of it, hence and a long way off understanding what it’s like to be disabled, older, a parent to adults and so forth. In her position I’d be absolutely raging as well.

I’m not saying this can go on indefinitely but I’m absolutely team MIL here. It sounds as if she would really benefit from some therapy. Your FIL sounds like a total pig to leave his wife destitute and unable to pay basic bills. I am surprised your dh wants anything to do with him.

As for you, you also have needs. You have a new baby and this stress puts you at greater risk of developing PND. If I were your dh, I’d be muting your father for a while, supporting both his wife and mother whilst steering the latter to counselling.

Naa I’m sorry but to the people feeling sorry for MIL it’s ridiculous! Yes she is naturally hurt however, she should suck it up and not be saying spiteful and nasty things to the grandchildren about someone they clearly love.

it’s the same as a divorce, don’t drag the kids into it, simple.

she shouldn’t be saying these things to you, she is in a result being extremely manipulative. I would personally say to her that you’ve all had enough, either they start attempting to be civil for the children’s sake (and yourselves!) or they won’t be invited round anymore.

if she can make dictations so can you, I would never forgive someone using my child as a bribe/weapon, she won’t consider your child a grandchild if he was to even hold the baby? How disgusting! FIL was clearly wrong for having the affair however MIL true colours are coming out, sounds like a nasty piece of work tbh.

he is quite clearly trying to stay out of her way, she is dragging this on for everyone.

by all means be upset! Cry, have space etc.. but I lost all sympathy when you mentioned she made your child cry because she basically couldn’t keep her nasty opinions to herself, also where she’s trying to dictate who your child can/can’t meet..

I would personally say it’s all got to much and is now affecting the children if they don’t start to at least try and be civil for the families sake.

I know she is very demanding but think about this. A disabled woman who is been left and cheated. She won't see any relationship with the OW reasonable. Neither I would do if I were your husband or yourself.

She is going through a lot, be supportive, she eventually will move on.

Regarding the gathering to introduce your baby. You can uninvite both of them and meet them separately. Or invite her at 3 and FIL on his own at 5 when she left. Better for everyone. You can not expect them to be together pretending happy family.

I wouldn't keep my cool with a cheater that cut the telephone landline to my mother/ MIL. I would be taking her side and keep him separately as minimum for a while.

Sorry I’m really judging anyone who doesn’t have sympathy for the MIL.

Obviously your DH shouldn’t agree to passing on abusive messages. And he should make that clear.

But poor woman. I think the family as whole do need to make sure FIL understands he’s somewhat in the doghouse in everyone’s book, that no one is going to welcome the OW or have him present the two of them as “the new normal”, and generally make sure MIL knows she is supported.

In case anyone wonders - i haven’t been in the shoes of any of the parties myself

The woman is hurt, scared and lashing out at the world. She shouldn't have said those things to a child but she's completely motivated by fear at the moment. She's got literally nothing to look forward to but years of poverty and failing health. People do irrational things when they're scared. She's probably terrified that given an inch her ex will try to set himself and the OW up as the fun grandparents. She already knows her daughter is happily planning to have him walk her down the aisle, and is probably imagining the OW grinning in all the photos. I can just imagine what's going through her mind. After many years of looking after and raising her family, probably doing the donkey work, she's tossed aside now she's disabled and old. She's not really wrong is she.

Have a little compassion.

Has it only been 6 months since all this blew up? That’s very very recent. I’d give it a year or two till I started feeling too concerned by MIL’s behaviour. I know that doesn’t help situations like the baby meet, wedding etc that are happening now though.

Maybe DH and SIL can together decide where to draw the boundary for now at least eg OW doesn’t attend anything or meet you or your DC for now, FIL walks SIL down the aisle etc. Then kindly communicate those boundaries to MIL so she knows what will happen - “look MIL, we’ve decided that for the next 6 months we aren’t going to meet or invite OW to anything and she won’t meet the GC”. Then it gives MIL a bit of breathing space and something solid to rely on while she heals but she’s aware about what won’t go her way eg “SIL will be walked down the aisle by her dad but don’t worry, OW won’t be at the wedding”. Stand firm on what is a firm boundary eg “we won’t pass any messages on to FIL”.

Your MIL has been massively betrayed, rocked to her very core, and every time someone explicitly or implicitly 'sides' with the FIL it's like another agonising betrayal. She can't trust anyone at the moment and her mind will be running absolute riot imagining things to torture herself with.

She's deep in the middle of the total devastation at the moment, she has grief blinkers on and cannot see beyond the pain she is feeling. Maybe in 5 years she will look back and feel mortified at some of the things she's said and done but she's a long way from that at the moment.

She definitely needs some counselling for herself to work through some of the devastation that has been wreaked on her. Poor woman.