To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

Gosh it’s all very petty isn’t it
I don’t know why you’re not happy with MIL punishing people but you are punishing the OW. It seems unreasonable to refuse a relationship with someone who has an affair with a married man who’s disabled wife is at home
but carry on having a relationship with the married man who ditched his disabled wife to shag someone else.

i think I’d lean more to MILs side. I would offer she come round to meet GC first, or with the rest of the family. And FIL comes later. But I would expect that she shut up and leave me out of all of her issues and complaining and not involve us in the toxic mess they want to hang on to. I wouldn’t engage, listen, or be in any related conversations and I would make it clear that we love her, we want her in our lives but we do not want to be in their argument.

with SILs wedding, I’d invite them both, do what I want, and expect they both behave. But SIL needs to prepare for the fact they won’t behave and try not let it ruin her wedding.

If MIL doesn't think enough of her daughter to behave herself for one day and not look at or engage with FIL then she should stay at home.

It seems like MIL used to be a worse person than FIL - demanding and controlling to her children, allowing them zero socialising as teens.
So while what FIL just did is terrible, their children might think that that doesn't make him a worse person than MIL (rather equal while he used to be better than her as she used to be the toxic one).

Exactly yet this who thread is full of nasty toxic women, it's like divorce doesn't happen to anyone.... Yet almost everyone has a step parent! It's full of ridiculous comments FIL has lost out too, he now has a cloak n dagger relationship with his children who will not accept his new wife, not invited to any family gatherings unless he leaves her behind, subjected to abuse even after his divorce. Good grief its no wonder men cheat if this is what's happened to the female gene pool. Look at the hate towards amber Heard for abusing Jonny......the whole thread reads like MIL is a helpless child who was innocent. Like I stated earlier no man leaves a happy marriage that he's spent years bringing up children and caring for 11 years a disabled wife.....I suspect hes at the end of his rope as are the grown up children. I'm glad I don't have a partner, my husband was a drinker and my partner after was a complete psycho but I'm happy my grown up children have a somewhat limited relationship with their father and I'm happy he's moved on and found love again. All I can see here is that women can be the most spiteful creatures

Vile.

I know it isn't. Maybe read what I wrote what I did in my last sentence

Yep, that plus OP says that the parents in law used to constantly fight, makes it unfair to say that their offspring should just dump their father. MIL clearly wasn't a great mum by any stretch of the imagination, nor was the.marriage so great that this was an out of the blue split. So there's a lot more to the family relationships than this one action by FIL.

Being in a shit marriage means she deserved to be cheated on?

Plenty of people leave shit marriages without being vile and nasty. Plenty of people end their marriages first before even looking for someone else to shag.

Gosh this is dreadful. I'm quite surprised at posters saying they would take sides!

Keep doing what you're all doing and hold those boundaries in a really kind and caring way.

There is a lot of empathy here for your MIL - but you know what - marriages break down, people leave, people fall for other people.

It might be needed for someone - one of her children - to start setting some boundaries for MIL. ie. - look, it hurts - but he's our dad.

They are grown up - but she is still the parent. This would not be acceptable to put onto young kids would it? They are still her children - she needs to try to a certain extent to leave them out of her anger and rage.

I think if you give too much leeway this will just never end.

I suppose with your recent posts things definitely shift somewhat.

An awful controlling mother and they were closer to their father.

The marriage wasn't great in the first
place and your FIL had little interest in caring for her.

A very sad ugly situation no doubt.

I still feel great sympathy for your MIL as it is an awful situation, but it is exacerbated by her children having understandable resentment towards her.

If only parents realised the damage they do long term to their children when they behave like this.

This is a topic in our house as one of my daughters parents are like this and at 17 she is clashing so much.
As she is a really quiet child, afraid of boys, they are shoring up huge problems.
They are nice people, well the mother is, not so sure about the father, but my daughter tells me she can't wait to leave their beautiful home to just get away from their controlling ways.
No phone allowed EVER in her bedroom, which seems a bit OTT, is one of many rules.
Her friends can't fathom this of course.

OP, you may need to pull back from your MIL and put some space between you.

Her controlling ways may well have morphed into fury and it is not good for you to be around it.

I think you need to put your children and yourself first.

Making her 5 year old grandchild cry on his birthday is definitely line in the sand that would be the start of new boundaries going forward.

It is best to be clear on this as it woud be such a shame for her to lose even more than she has.

However painful this is for her, she needs this harsh truth to be told to her before it is too late.

I would be very upset at my child being collateral damage in this.

Completely unacceptable.

Firstly, I think you need to let SIL deal with her wedding and her parents. I know she’s asking you to post and that you are supporting her, but there’s no actual answer to her wedding problem.

secondly, I’d let mil see the new baby the day before over lunch or tea or something. Make that a nice day for her and tell her you’d like to spare her the pain of the big gathering the next day.

what fil has done - she’ll never get over it. They must have been together about 40 years. Most of her adult life and she’s now nearly a pensioner. Her life torn to shreds, unrecognisable. Because fil thinks in sickness and in health only meant other people. She is probably going to lash out and behave quite badly for a while. She might feel bitter forever. And she might even feel suicidal. I would just not take it personally in your position.

whilst it’s a life changing big deal for her, it’s pretty irrelevant (and in no way traumatic) to the grandchildren so ask her not to speak to them about it.

Not everyone makes vows in sickness and in health any more, most people have civil ceremonies. Also MIL's ill health may be only part of the reason he left her. I'm surprised so many people see marriage as a life sentence and don't seem to think anyone should be allowed to get divorced. We only get one life. Spending it shackled to someone you don't want to be with benefits no-one. Many mumsnetters seem to become Christian fundamentalists where divorce and the 12 commandments are concerned

If you’ve been married 40 ish years, yes of course you are allowed to get divorced - but the point is not to underestimate what this does to the dumped spouse of 40 years.

I wouldn't be having fil new woman coming to any events. If he objects, sod him. Your poor mil.

Having read your most recent update OP (and please can other posters do this), it’s clear there were issues in their marriage for a long time and MIL was extremely strict, demanding and controlling with the children.
It is not like she became disabled and he left the next day - the accident was over a decade ago and she’s been through rehab/therapy by the sounds of it. FIL has stuck with her through all of that but he’s still a relatively young man if MIL is now only 62.

A few weeks back a poster on here detailed being with a disabled husband, who was angry, financially controlling and with whom she felt trapped and lonely. Posters were quick to point out she was being financially abused and “well he can get PIP” and encouraged her to leave without guilt so she might have some happiness.

How is this different? Because the genders are reversed? Because someone doesn’t want to spend another 25 or more years of their life (on top of the last decade), being someone’s carer or, dare I say it, the subject of abuse? Stopping paying the bills is being termed petty and cruel - would it be the same if it was a woman who had stopped paying the bills? If it was the other way round so many posters would be cheering them on.

FIL seems to have stepped back, OW isn’t being pushed on anyone however MIL is being horrible - I mean, come on, how many times have posters railed against GPs upsetting kids and that’s exactly what she’s doing.

I really feel for OP - in her shoes, I’d be stepping back from MIL as well, at the very least until she stops weaponising the GCs to her own ends.

@TiredCatLady

That thread had the OP abused and working full-time and doing everything for a lazy abusive man.

Not similar IMO.

So often threads are compared with others that have the slimest of comparisons.

Whilst they didn't get on, I don't think there was any suggestion of abuse.

Also I believe that spouse had refused to contribute for many many years.

I wouldn't dream of criticising someone who was abused for years refusing to now be that persons carer.
Absolutely not.

It has been a decade but being abandoned in your 60's must really sting and her mobility issues will have shrunk her life immeasurably

I think it is hard to overstate how vulnerable she must feel and angry, to find herself disabled and dumped in your 60's.

Frankly, it doesn't bear thinking about.

Agree that SIL should sort her wedding out herself, and say a prayer she isn't marrying a man in her fathers likeness.

@TiredCatLady

It's not so much that FIL stopped paying his ex-Wife's bills, but that he did so without telling her, eg from one of Purewhitegold posts:

he cut off her main phone line for everyone as he paid for it, he didn’t tell her he’d stopped paying some of the bills until she got letters.

Maybe she should have considered what would happen to utility bills after the divorce but I'm sure she had other things she was trying to deal with at the time. 🌹

This. You are being supportive. You are there for her. But she cannot ruin family events. They can go and behave, or not go. If they kick off, they must be told to leave. A child's party is not a place for drama. There will be no alternative party.

To PP - the thing I’m getting at is that we don’t have FIL side of it.

Being cheated on and left in your 60s will be shit but then so is living with a controlling person. Abuse is abuse - whether it’s 10 days or 10 years.

Maybe he said nothing about the bills for fear of the reaction or because he was finally in a position to break away from it.

As I say - reverse the genders and many of the responses on here would be extremely different.

I think statistically men DONT leave marriages until they have secured the next woman

Yes. Selfish pieces of shit don't care about anyone or anything other than themselves.

I don't think an exit affair is as bad as shagging around. People fall out of love, relationships fail, some people fall in love with other people, life works out.

Regulary cheating on someone and gaslighting them about it is different. That's abusive. Exit affairs not so much imo.

But nobody has ever said she was either invited, or welcome. The OP has made it clear that she's never been invited and won't for the foreseeable future.

It's all projection from the MIL. All of it.

The grilling they get as to whether they've spoken to FIL, if so, how often, have they seen OW, is she pretty etc... The OP has never met her. Her DH has met her only a couple of times at his dads house and kept it civil.

She wants them to carry nasty messages, spy for her, but also cut off their own dad as and when she demands - not because of what he did to them - but because she wants to spite her ex husband for what he did to her.

So now you have a MIL who absolutely created about a birthday (where there was no invite extended to OW, or FIL but even so half the birthday was moved to MILs house on demand, whereupon she made a child cry. There's no excuse for being a cunt to your grandchild on his birthday and making him cry because your husband fucked off.

And creating about an event for people to meet a new baby. She threw a tantrum about disowning a GC, knowing that the OP has never and would never invite any OW and certainly not give her first cuddle.

I've sympathy for the MIL, I really do. She deserves support but they ARE giving her that in every way they can. Any time that they've told FIL that he can't come or arranged an alternative, he's backed away. But even then, every single family event, even when he's not there, she makes it all about her situation.

So the OP, DH and SIL do need to put in boundaries - they've all been suggested uptread. They can do it with kindness but they need to do it. They could have another 40 years of MIL and FIL attending family events so they might as well set it in stone now.

Agree. I bet FIL's life was hell for years. MIL sounds like a histrionic narcissist.