To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

Why does it have to be a'gathering'? Take the baby to a coffee shop , a restuarant , amd introduce them separately there.
It might cost you £30 more but it would be way less hassle....

Pip is almost £800 per month with free eye tests free prescriptions £120 a year council tax £600 a year energy bonus in winter and free public transport or a new mobility car. She has the house, and son pays the bills......no travel costs no mouths to feed except her own! Sounds like a horrible person to me, they're divorced she needs to get over it and allow her DIL time to be with her newborn baby not running around after her!

Exactly another one that couldn't rise above it for one day! I notice a pattern here with the type of woman being cheated on.....their lives are all about them!! DD didn't talk to her for 6 years so must have been a lot more to the story and that was the straw that broke the camels back!

MIL has lost her husband. That relationship is gone. She needs to decide if she's willing to lose her kids. She's a fool. Saying stupid things like she will disown her grandchild make her seem like a toxic loon.

You are wrong. PIP is £407 per month unless a person gets mobility payments as well. PIP is not a qualifying benefit to claim fuel payment in winter unless you are over state pension age or on other low income benefits. Many disabled people don't qualify. To get the reduction on Council Tax you have to have your house adapted for disability and be in a wheelchair and not be able to walk around your home. To get the Motability car you have to be on the higher rate mobility payments so not be able to walk 20 metres. Many disabled people don't qualify for Motability car or mobility payments. You seem to have made an assumption that OP's MiL can claim everything possible.

I agree

I feel very sorry for your mum in law. Horrific time for her and she must feel her family is being disloyal.

PIP isn't nearly £800. Google will confirm for you.

I'd do the same.

I'd back up the injured party with actions not just empty words that mean nothing.

What a tragic situation where the family around this woman don't have her back - the are all talk but no action. This is probably more painful then the betrayal.... no wonder this woman is losing it.

Apparently it is fine to have an affair and betray your disabled partner cos there are no consequences. 🙄

I didn't understand all of your post but if I read it correctly, you were planning to have one event to introduce the new baby with BOTH MIL and FIL present. Was she supposed to sit and nod and chat with the man who cheated on her and humiliated her a mere six months ago? If that was your plan, that probably was not a great idea.

His canceling the bills without telling her was also not great, no matter how she behaved. Very sad that people are justifying it as somehow her fault, and building an entire imaginary history where she was abusive towards him for the majority of their marriage. It's established that men are more likely to leave if their wife becomes disabled and needs their care, compared to the reverse. It doesn't have to be that she was abusive.

She is obviously extremely heart broken and is hurting.
She really needs to go to counselling. It will take time unfortunately. This also happened to me and I was more angry than anything. But I then met the love of my life so became grateful that he had cheated on me tbh 😂

🤣🤣🤣

I get PIP and I receive £272/month and none of the other 'perks" you think people get for being disabled

Why do people keep saying that the OW is invited to events etc? She's not, the OP said she hasn't even met her and doesn't plan to!

Read the thread! As for the batshit PIP figures thrown about earlier, it would be funny if people didn't actually believe this stuff and use it against others.

All of this. FIL is a disgrace and you can't have things back how they were. That's his fault. What an utter utter shit of a man. Your poor MIL.

The 'pattern' appears to be offspring who take after their cheating, narcissistic fathers rather than their mothers and just want their mums to stfu and smooth everything over. Women are expected to be the peacemakers. Of course we could just try saying, married people are expected to remain faithful or get divorced and THEN seek other partners.

Back up the injured party with actions - couldn't agree more

12 commandments? 10 were enough for Moses.

Your DH should conduct his relationship with his father away from family gatherings. Inviting his father is sending quite a clear message to his parents that father's behaviour is acceptable and has no consequences. No wonder MIL is having difficulty coming to terms at being treated so shoddily.

PIP:

You don't automatically get prescriptions, glasses etc. and if under pension age, you don't get the fuel allowance.

https://www.gov.uk/pip/how-much-youll-get

The whole family sounds like shitbags. If my dad gad done what your FIL did I doubt I'd ever speak to him again. Yes MIL is being difficult but do you blame the poor woman? Where's the loyalty towards her from her family after what DIL did?

Would that be the shitbags who are now paying her bills, visiting her daily, moving their child's birthday to her house because she's too paranoid to believe then when they say that ex and OW won't be at theirs? The same shitbags who put up with her making the birthday boy cry with her spite? Those shitbags who've been told by her that she won't recognise their new baby as her grandchild?

This thread is so damn depressing with its knee jerk blame of everyone other than the person actually letting her own hurt give her license to hurt everyone else.

Not sure why people are arguing over how much PIP is, not really relevant to the thread.

A lot of the "poor MIL" posters clearly haven't read the full thread.

He did that to her, she wasn’t like this before her cheated 🙄

Well according to her children, she was. Just not to the same extent.

Thousands of women are left by their cheating husbands they year and it's devastating. But six months on the vast majority do not treat their own children and small grandchildren as horribly spitefully as this MIL is.

At some point the excuse doesn't get to wash any more.

Sounds like she was a bit 'controlling the kids - arguments in the marriage. '
My mil had been divorced 22 years when I met dh nearly 30 yrs ago.
She's still bitter about him 50 yrs on 😳
But she did go to dd wedding.
Ignored each other.
Totally loves all her grandchildren- would never trauma dump on them.
It sad for mil and she has every right to her anger and must work through it.
However, it is never ok to take out on others.
There is no reason why mil can't use this difficult period in her life to reflect and grow (always painful) and in time become the best version of herself, even meet someone new, and be happier than she ever has been.
Many people do make this transition and go on to have a great life.
But she's needs to be encouraged - op has a newborn, a special time.
This time we the kids is short. She needs to focus on their needs and ensure they have a happy childhood.
Boundary op for you and dh.
And sil should have dad walk her down the isle but accept that her dm may not come.
OW obviously at this time should not attend- far too soon.

FIL sounds like a vile, disgusting man. He didn’t just leave MIL, he has shown her nothing but cruelty and contempt, to add insult to injury.

I’m surprised you or DH want him anywhere near your children. What a role model.

I would keep things simple and fair by simply not inviting him to family gatherings.