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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

387 replies

Purewhitegold · 20/07/2023 17:53

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

OP posts:
Emz6103 · 21/07/2023 14:35

Exactly.....AIBU , we're divorced and he still expects me to pay his expensive landline bill and refuses to get a cheap £10 a month mobile....
Wonder how that would go down on here??

CatsSnore · 21/07/2023 14:41

And FIL had the worst end of the financial deal if MIL kept the house.

Honeychickpea · 21/07/2023 15:32

CatsSnore · 21/07/2023 14:41

And FIL had the worst end of the financial deal if MIL kept the house.

Between that, disability bebfit and PIP, she can't be that badly off. Did she also get a settlement from the accident?
The son paying the bills sounds like she may be forcing him into the role of surrogate husband.

MentholLoad · 21/07/2023 15:43

Honeychickpea · 21/07/2023 15:32

Between that, disability bebfit and PIP, she can't be that badly off. Did she also get a settlement from the accident?
The son paying the bills sounds like she may be forcing him into the role of surrogate husband.

Show quote history

PIP IS disability benefit and it is £272/month

2Rebecca · 21/07/2023 19:35

I'm divorced. My ex remained in the " marital home" Any bills that were in my name or joint names got moved to his name when we separated ling before the divorce was finalised. The MIL is only 2 years older than me, not a frail old lady. Why would you be surprised when someone you are now divorced from stops paying your household bills? Why did sh not put the bills in her name years ago when they separated?

Why does the man have to be the provider and the woman expected to live off him? There are lots of sexist assumptions in this thread.

Shudahaddogs · 21/07/2023 19:48

Darkandstormynite · 20/07/2023 18:17

I agree with this. You are really rubbing salt in her wounds by organising events that you expect her to socialise with her ex at.

She disabled, her husband has dumped her in her older years, she's probably financially hit and probably very scared. She doesn't have the option to rebuild her life the same way she would if she were younger. Do you really expect her to just smile and wave alongside the guy who blew her world apart? I think that's pretty naive.

If you've been cheated on in the past, you've at least had the chance to move on and rebuild your life, remember it's not the same for your MIL.

I'd be pretty disappointed in my family if they just wanted to airbrush my pain away for the sake of a social event.

Show quote history

Perfectly said

caringcarer · 21/07/2023 20:12

Throwawayme · 20/07/2023 17:58

I feel a bit sorry for your mil to be honest. Sounds like it's all really raw for her and your family party sounds like it would be very hard for her. I imagine it's much easier for you all to accept and move on with your lives than for her. He probably was her while life. Maybe the new woman shouldn't be at your party?

I feel sorry for your MiL too. It's easy for you to move on your life partner hasn't betrayed you. I think it is insensitive to invite FiL and OW to your child's birthday party if your MiL is invited. She will feel very uncomfortable and probably will choose to stay away unless she knows her cheating exh is not going to turn up with the OW. Remember your MiL is the victim here. If FiL had not cheated she wouldn't be in this position. I'd send FiL a piece of cake and not invite him to your child's birthday party. I'd invite MiL and reassure her she won't get put in a difficult position. It might be that your SiL will have to choose between her Dad attending her wedding or her Mum, especially if he wants to bring OW.

saraclara · 21/07/2023 20:18

I agree with this. You are really rubbing salt in her wounds by organising events that you expect her to socialise with her ex at.

So her daughter has to scrap her wedding?
OP isn't organisng family events at which MIL has to socialise with FIL. The birthday party and baby introduction were arranged so that they wouldn't be there at the same time. But that wasn't good enough for MIL.

The second half of the birthday party had to be moved to her house, where she ignored the birthday five year old except for making him cry.
The baby introduction...well despite being told that the OW wouldn't come at all, and that she and PIL would be there at different times, that wasn't good enough either. Her paranoia was such that she threatened to disown her own brand new grandchild.

OP and her DH have gone out of their way to support her, but after a year, yes, they get to live their lives reasonably normally and plan whatever family events they want. And SIL gets to have the wedding she wants.

caringcarer · 21/07/2023 20:36

At my DD graduation ceremony exh and I were both invited. We had been divorced about 6 weeks and still had not got finances sorted. I divorced him after he cheated on me after 21 years of marriage. DD assured me that her Dad was invited but the OW was not. I agreed to go but said I wanted to sit away from exh. I was seated about 6 seats away. Part way through the ceremony I looked up and there she was sitting next to exh. I watched until my DD got her award then left. I was shaking. I've never found out how OW got a ticket. I was inclined to believe DD must have given it to her Dad. She says not but entry was ticket only. She was very angry with me for not staying for photos after the ceremony. I drove home. We argued and she didn't speak to me for almost 6 years. She contacted me through my son to say she wanted me at her wedding. By this time I had remarried. She invited me and DH and her Dad and a different partner by then. We are cordial and I have helped her out with nursery fees for dgc and a car when her old one broke but I don't feel the emotional closeness to my DD that I feel to my 2 DS's. My boys ring me and message me every few days and I see them often. I see DD and dhc about 4 times a year partly because of geographic distance but partly I'd rather spend time with my son's now. I felt like she chose to invite her Dad's OW to an event that she had no right to be at.

MentholLoad · 21/07/2023 20:50

caringcarer · 21/07/2023 20:36

At my DD graduation ceremony exh and I were both invited. We had been divorced about 6 weeks and still had not got finances sorted. I divorced him after he cheated on me after 21 years of marriage. DD assured me that her Dad was invited but the OW was not. I agreed to go but said I wanted to sit away from exh. I was seated about 6 seats away. Part way through the ceremony I looked up and there she was sitting next to exh. I watched until my DD got her award then left. I was shaking. I've never found out how OW got a ticket. I was inclined to believe DD must have given it to her Dad. She says not but entry was ticket only. She was very angry with me for not staying for photos after the ceremony. I drove home. We argued and she didn't speak to me for almost 6 years. She contacted me through my son to say she wanted me at her wedding. By this time I had remarried. She invited me and DH and her Dad and a different partner by then. We are cordial and I have helped her out with nursery fees for dgc and a car when her old one broke but I don't feel the emotional closeness to my DD that I feel to my 2 DS's. My boys ring me and message me every few days and I see them often. I see DD and dhc about 4 times a year partly because of geographic distance but partly I'd rather spend time with my son's now. I felt like she chose to invite her Dad's OW to an event that she had no right to be at.

I'm so sorry you were treated like this 💐

saraclara · 21/07/2023 20:54

I've never found out how OW got a ticket. I was inclined to believe DD must have given it to her Dad

So you destroyed your relationship with your daughter without even finding out whether your inclination was correct, @caringcarer ?

Seriously, that's just incredibly and unnecessarily sad.

SquirrelSoShiny · 21/07/2023 20:55

caringcarer · 21/07/2023 20:36

At my DD graduation ceremony exh and I were both invited. We had been divorced about 6 weeks and still had not got finances sorted. I divorced him after he cheated on me after 21 years of marriage. DD assured me that her Dad was invited but the OW was not. I agreed to go but said I wanted to sit away from exh. I was seated about 6 seats away. Part way through the ceremony I looked up and there she was sitting next to exh. I watched until my DD got her award then left. I was shaking. I've never found out how OW got a ticket. I was inclined to believe DD must have given it to her Dad. She says not but entry was ticket only. She was very angry with me for not staying for photos after the ceremony. I drove home. We argued and she didn't speak to me for almost 6 years. She contacted me through my son to say she wanted me at her wedding. By this time I had remarried. She invited me and DH and her Dad and a different partner by then. We are cordial and I have helped her out with nursery fees for dgc and a car when her old one broke but I don't feel the emotional closeness to my DD that I feel to my 2 DS's. My boys ring me and message me every few days and I see them often. I see DD and dhc about 4 times a year partly because of geographic distance but partly I'd rather spend time with my son's now. I felt like she chose to invite her Dad's OW to an event that she had no right to be at.

God that is awful. Yes, another one sorry you were treated that way.

Honeychickpea · 21/07/2023 20:56

MentholLoad · 21/07/2023 20:50

I'm so sorry you were treated like this 💐

Show quote history

She made her daughter's graduation ceremony all about her and you think she was the one who was treated badly?

AbsoIutelyLovely · 21/07/2023 20:57

Your MIL is clearly the wronged party here and probably needs a little understanding and support.

My parents were in broadly the same position and I NEVER put my dads wants/needs before my mums. There would have been no way I’d have had the OW floating about.

Y’all need to grow some balls and just say no OW for your mums sake and apart from that both parents should be invited to everything.

My parents were never ever in the same room again after their divorce so that’s 25 years of dodging each other and it would have been so much better for us if they’d just got on with it.

caringcarer · 21/07/2023 21:08

@saraclara I asked DD how OW got a ticket and she said she did not know. I know it was ticket only and exh would not have taken OW to graduation without a ticket. DD chose me not to speak to me because I left and went home immediately after she got her award and didn't stay for photos after with her exh and OW. I didn't destroy the relationship. DD admitted she knew OW had a ticket yet didn't warn me before hand so I could choose whether to attend or not.

saraclara · 21/07/2023 21:17

My parents were in broadly the same position and I NEVER put my dads wants/needs before my mums. There would have been no way I’d have had the OW floating about.

OP doesn't have the OW floating about either @AbsoIutelyLovely . She's made it clear that she has no intention of that ever happening. Please read her posts.

MentholLoad · 21/07/2023 21:29

Honeychickpea · 21/07/2023 20:56

She made her daughter's graduation ceremony all about her and you think she was the one who was treated badly?

Show quote history

why do people think mothers have no rights to have emotions or be treated like people by their adult children?? do you think they should just pay themselves down forever, because they did it when the children were small? they should be treated with the same respect everyone else is.

SavageTomato · 21/07/2023 21:33

Honeychickpea · 21/07/2023 15:32

Between that, disability bebfit and PIP, she can't be that badly off. Did she also get a settlement from the accident?
The son paying the bills sounds like she may be forcing him into the role of surrogate husband.

Show quote history

'Can't be that badly off'? Pray tell us of your extensive experience of the social security system these days. I'm sure you have great insights to share. Like how people live on fuck all per week and how you have personally dealt with that. Look forward to your wisdom.

Honeychickpea · 21/07/2023 21:37

MentholLoad · 21/07/2023 21:29

why do people think mothers have no rights to have emotions or be treated like people by their adult children?? do you think they should just pay themselves down forever, because they did it when the children were small? they should be treated with the same respect everyone else is.

Show quote history

She could have held herself in check for the ceremony and photos, and did as she pleased with her emotions when alone. She chose to ruin her daughter's big day.

BadNomad · 21/07/2023 21:44

Nah. You don't get to blame someone for being upset at your lies. If that daughter misled her mother into attending her graduation knowing her father's OW was going to be there, then it is her own fault that her graduation was ruined. You don't get to manipulate people into doing what you want because you want it.

crazeelala2u · 21/07/2023 21:45

Purewhitegold · 20/07/2023 17:53

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

Personally, I would start repeating

"if this is what you choose, we support you, but we'd like you there"

I've been cheated on in different relationships, including with my kids' father, who got another woman pregnant while I was. Honestly, I love my kids enough to be civil and kind for THEM. Not for my ex partner.

MentholLoad · 21/07/2023 21:46

Honeychickpea · 21/07/2023 21:37

She could have held herself in check for the ceremony and photos, and did as she pleased with her emotions when alone. She chose to ruin her daughter's big day.

Show quote history

she stayed for the ceremony. but left before photos. I don't expect she missed her daughter's graduation photos, lightly. I imagine the pain and discomfort was to much to bear.

but why should the mother 'hold herself in check for the ceremony'. instead, why can't the father be apart from his OW just for the ceremony? people should be angry at the father, not the mother

Baconisdelicious · 21/07/2023 21:50

We have supported her consistently for the past 6 months

has it only been 6 months? That’s no time at all. The rule of thumb is that it takes about a month for every year a couple were together to start to come to terms with it. I was with my ex for 10 years and 15 years later, being in his presence makes me feel physically sick. I suck the shit up for the sake of our kids but it is hard on me, much harder than many people are able to understand, and there is no way I could have done it at 6 months.

I don’t have an answer but from the point of view of the wedding, as a family you are going to have to be cruel, I think. Either she comes or she doesn’t but you’re not uninviting the other parent to please her.

please keep being kind to her. It is a dreadful thing to have to come to terms with. She needs time, patience and understanding.

saraclara · 21/07/2023 21:55

Baconisdelicious · 21/07/2023 21:50

We have supported her consistently for the past 6 months

has it only been 6 months? That’s no time at all. The rule of thumb is that it takes about a month for every year a couple were together to start to come to terms with it. I was with my ex for 10 years and 15 years later, being in his presence makes me feel physically sick. I suck the shit up for the sake of our kids but it is hard on me, much harder than many people are able to understand, and there is no way I could have done it at 6 months.

I don’t have an answer but from the point of view of the wedding, as a family you are going to have to be cruel, I think. Either she comes or she doesn’t but you’re not uninviting the other parent to please her.

please keep being kind to her. It is a dreadful thing to have to come to terms with. She needs time, patience and understanding.

She also needs to stop using her son as a flying monkey, and allowing her paranoia to upset her five year old grandchild and to let her threaten to disown her brand new grandchild and not attend her daughter's wedding.

Come on now, this is not reasonable behaviour for anyone, no matter the trauma, six months on.

MentholLoad · 21/07/2023 22:00

BadNomad · 21/07/2023 21:44

Nah. You don't get to blame someone for being upset at your lies. If that daughter misled her mother into attending her graduation knowing her father's OW was going to be there, then it is her own fault that her graduation was ruined. You don't get to manipulate people into doing what you want because you want it.

❤️