To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

Also, he does not deserve to walk his daughter down the aisle.

I have not RTFT, but just wanted to say. I know it is really early days, and MIL is hurting, but I recommend DH and SIL sit her down and calmly explain that whatever has happened he is still their father and her behaviour is pushing them away.

We are 20 years into this situation and MIL still causes all kinds of problems, throws tantrums, silent treatment, drunken rants and it is really exhausting and difficult for us and our kids as they are now old enough to pick up on things and it makes them stressed if they see their grandfather shortly before their grandmother. OW is still around and she is still not letting it go.

OP, you sound like a lovely person. Whatever you decide to do, please look after yourself and enjoy your baby-time.

I’ve read the full thread, and think they would all be better off without FIL and OW in their lives.

It's an awful situation for her and she's clearly struggling but if everyone panders to her every demand, then you're right it's going to carry on because she'll expect it even more.

Her children need to sit her down and be completely honest with her, yes they understand and want to be there to support her but she needs to know that by making every one else's life events about her and FIL she's only going to lose out herself. Life carries on whether she wants it to or not and children shouldn't be a pawn regardless of their age.

The children also need to sit down with FIL on his own too and make it very clear to him that the OW isn't welcome for the foreseeable (if that's what the adult kids want) and that it's of his own doing and he either accepts it and has a relationship with his kids separately or not. MIL can then be told that to bring at least a bit of peace that OW isn't going to rock up and be accepted at functions

That is the call of the daughter who knows both parents all too well. I am sure she has reasons to chhose her father.

It is so recent.

Show support to the MIL by keeping FIL away from this event. Otherwise you are choosing to exclude the wronged party.

People can’t be rational while they’re grieving and your MIL is grieving. I agree with Darkandstormynite above.

Family therapy with mil? Even just you and dh with mil. Someone on outside may be able to help you pick a path forward. A therapist may be able to point out to mil if she doesn't attend the wedding or makes a scene then her children may not forgive her and take fil side
I think your going to need clear boundaries with mil if she is controlling anyway.

Your dh needs to push back a bit with mil. Tell her you love her but he will maintain a relationship with his dad and she is being unfair. If she doesn't speak to him for days then don't contact her, let her relaise her behaviour is controlling and unacceptable

I think she needs sitting down and someone needs to be blunt and tell her she’s hurting yourself more here by missing out on things to be petty. If she’s really prepared to not be a part of her grandchild’s life because of her ex husband then that’s that’s completely ridiculous and shes cutting yourself off for no reason. The only person she’s spiting is herself because her baby grandchild won’t miss who she’s never met but she will only get this one opportunity to be a grandma to her grandkids once or she will regret it

So tricky. I split up with my husband of nearly 30 years ,5 years ago. My adult children keep in touch with their Dad ( we are divorced now) and it kills me,but I try to remain adult about it. I’ve been in the same area as the OW at my daughter’s graduation and my ex mother in laws funeral. We just didn’t converse, though I spoke with my ex.
It’s my daughter’s wedding next year. I will have to put up with it then, too. At least I have my lovely new DH to help me through it.He understands how I feel, and I think my daughter is thankful that I choose not to react to the OW.
I understand how hard it must be for her… I felt so angry and bereft… but she needs to try and find a way through it so she doesn’t alienate all of you too.

I think this excuse of 'she's grieving' isn't good enough for being destructive to your children and grandchildren. One outburst, fair enough. Sustained awfulness, over months, demanding that everything (wedding, baby, birthdays) are subsumed to her grief, plus expecting daily contact, bills paid- um nope.My guess is that there were massive issues with MIL prior to this as nice normal people don't behave like this- they get sad, angry, upset and usually either remove themselves or swallow it up or moan to their friends about their awful ex. They shouldn't be behaving like this, even if they were actually bereaved (plus 62 is not an elderly woman!!!!)

Having become disabled at 40, I was lucky enough to have a DH who loves the bones of me, (the feeling is absolutely mutual) and has stuck with me through thick and thin. The fact that your FIL chose to leave MIL, shows what a shallow person he is. I can understand from my own position how difficult it is for the partner who isn't disabled, and have always encouraged my DH to go walking etc, and continue to do the things that I can't do, but to his credit, he prefers to do things that we can still BOTH do. It seems to me that everyone has brushed FIL's appalling behaviour under the carpet to some degree. If I were your DH I would find it very difficult to forgive his DF, for treating his DM like this, and would be putting my DM's feelings over and above his, at EVERY turn. For example, if MIL is invited to a party, and she accepts but doesn't want FIL there, let alone the OW, then I wouldn't invite him. Six months is no time at all to get over a bereavement, and let's face it, this is probably even worse than a bereavement for her, as not only does she now have to face life alone, but knows that he's not actually dead, but that some OW now benefits from his love, company, and support. As the years go by, hopefully she will gradually come to terms with things to some degree, and may eventually feel able to attend a party or wedding, knowing that her ex will be there, but for now, please put HER feelings well ahead of FIL's, he doesn't deserve to be forgiven for the pain he's caused, and it is HIS fault that you're all suffering from MIL's pain and resentment, NOT hers!!

it is HIS fault that you're all suffering from MIL's pain and resentment, NOT hers!!

I disagree. While his appalling behaviour was the catalyst, at six months on, MIL is responsible for her own behaviour. NOTHING justifies her making her five year old grandson cry at his birthday party (which she insisted on being moved to her house for no valid reason). NOTHING BUT NOTHING justifies her threatening to disown her brand new grandchild. Or pretty much any of her behaviour really.

I can see why he left to be honest. You give out invitations to who you want to be there and it’s up to them whether they go or not. Tell her that she will be the on alienated.

UpaladderwatchingTV · Today 12:28
Having become disabled at 40, I was lucky enough to have a DH who loves the bones of me, (the feeling is absolutely mutual) and has stuck with me through thick and thin. The fact that your FIL chose to leave MIL, shows what a shallow person he is”

You’re suggesting that a person who no longer loves their husband or wife is obliged to stay with them because they have a disability? That is so wrong.

This. MIL was hardly a good mother. No wonder the children don’t want to get involved.

To be absolutely honest, if my dad had left my mum for another woman, I wouldn't have blamed him. And I wouldn't have cut him off, even if he compounded that by being awkward. I grew up with the person she was, and he put up with more than any partner should.

It's easier for OP to support MIL than for her own children. DH and his siblings will have their own reasons for wanting to retain the relationship with PIL.

How long have MIL and FIL been separated? Is it really only 6 months? That's a ver rapid divorce, especially if MIL wasn't wanting a divorce

OP said in one post It’s been going on for almost a year.

My mum didn’t want my dad to come to our daughters christenings and he didn’t. I did say he could come but he said it would be awkward so I left it at that. I’m not close to my dad so it wasn’t a major thing to me. I get it must be hard if your close. An arrangement maybe if a partner doesn’t come and maybe the mum could bring a friend and just keep away from each other.

FIL isn’t the one ruining a small child’s birthday and making him cry. FIL isn’t the one using OP as free therapy the day after an emergency section.

Being cheated on doesn’t absolve anyone of this level of selfish, dysfunctional, destructive twatishness and toxicity. Nothing does.

FIL isn’t the one ruining a small child’s birthday and making him cry. FIL isn’t the one using OP as free therapy the day after an emergency section.

Being cheated on doesn’t absolve anyone of this level of selfish, dysfunctional, destructive twatishness and toxicity. Nothing does.

👏👏