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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Incident in park- feel disgusting

204 replies

NutmegOrCinnamon · 20/07/2023 12:05

feel a bit stupid even being upset by this but I am. Long term poster btw but I’ve NC for this.

Earlier this week I was walking my dog through a local public park. The park consists of a huge area of woods but also more public/busy areas like the kids play park etc. I was walking my dog through the first bit to get into the park which is basically a big giant grassy field and there were lots of dogs playing off the lead. 2 dogs came running up to her and wouldn’t leave her alone. There was a big group of neddy guys I’d guess aged 30-40 sitting on the grass drinking around 30 feet from me. 2 of them came running over to collect their dogs and apologise to me for their dogs being annoying, I was like no worries etc. one of them then turned round and started saying can I get your number ? Do you walk round these woods yourself and fancy a walking partner ? And his pal burst out laughing at it. I just completely ignored him and walked on with my dog. But as I walked past the big group of guys (I had to to get into the park/woods) they all started shouting stuff at me, it was clear they were all drunk and trying to one up each other with the worst thing they could say but it felt absolutely horrible to listen to. It started with oi can my friend get your number? Where do you live hunny? Then quickly became things like shouting comments about my body, and asking obscene questions like how many fingers can you fit in? Have you ever tried an*l?? Want to come to my house and we’ll all have great fun?? Each comment got a fit of laughs from the others. I also heard them taking loudly to each other about me - for example, one of them was like if we tied her up we could all take it in turns. And again they all roared with laughter at this

usually I’d be quick enough to shout back at them to fuck off but for some reason I didn’t, I just completely froze and choked up and couldn’t say anything. It was like I was in a trance, I could hear them but I remember thinking I’m just walking my dog and ignoring them, keep walking, keep walking etc. one of their dogs then ran up to my dog again and one of the guys ran up to bring it back and again started trying to get my Snapchat and started saying things about my body, I wasn’t really listening because honestly it was as if my dog and I were in a trance and we kept walking and which seemed to annoy him more and eventually he left.

eventually they left me alone. I went into the park and took the first side exit out because I wanted to go home. There were other people walking about but only 2 people walked past me and the guys and they just kept walking. I know they were just neds and it was them just being drunk idiots and trying to be funny to each other but I felt so disgusting and embarrassed. I was just out walking my dog at 3 in the afternoon in a busy public place at 24 years old.

sorry for the rant, I don’t know why this has upset me so much because nothing actually happened but I feel horrible about it and don’t want to go back to the park, even though they probably won’t be there again. I’m also so annoyed at myself for not standing up for myself and telling them to fuck off but it was so weird, I honestly felt like I was hypnotised just to keep walking and ignore them

Has anyone got any advice on how I can get over it and stop feeling so rubbish about it all? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Papernotplastic · 20/07/2023 13:47

I’m sorry this happened to you. You shouldn’t have to face this and you did nothing wrong. Freezing is a completely normal reaction and not something to beat yourself up about. It’s a stress response - your body is responding to a threat. That kind of situation is frightening because you’ve got no idea how the men are going to react. You got through it safely and that’s a win.

ModestMoon · 20/07/2023 13:48

I'm so sorry that this happened to you OP. Of course you were frightened, they were threatening to gang rape you and shouting other horrific things at you. They want to see that you are afraid and humiliated, so responding would have given them exactly what they wanted. You did the right thing by continuing to walk. Next time be ready to call the police, that's the only thing that you can do.

bigdecisionstomake · 20/07/2023 13:50

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP it must have been truly terrifying. You have nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to feel disgusted with yourself.

I agree with PPs, I believe this is a public order offence and you should report it. Hopefully this will help you take some control back over the situation. And it might just stop them taking it a step further with some other poor woman or girl next time.

Possibly worth contacting the council or whoever owns the land to report it too.

Americano75 · 20/07/2023 13:50

You handled that perfectly, if you had engaged it wouldn't have ended well. Get it reported to the police, they need dealing with. Are you in Glasgow by any chance?

LisaVanderpump1 · 20/07/2023 13:53

I have nothing to say other than I'm so, so sorry that this happened to you. I just don't understand people/the world. We're in such a shitty state if a woman can't walk her dog in the park without being threatened with sexual violence which then others just laugh at.

Just know that all of those guys are complete arseholes (to put it mildly) and you did absolutely nothing to deserve what they did.

Sending you a virtual hug (and your dog a virtual treat). x

HettyMeg · 20/07/2023 13:56

Ugh that is so awful, I'm really sorry that happened to you. What a horrible misogynostic pack mentality where they were egging each other on. I think your reaction is totally understandable, sometimes we just shut down when horrible stuff like that happens as it's a self-preservation/survival thing. I agree that you should consider reporting to the police. Take care of yourself and try not to let these horrible f***rs make you feel like this.

oi0Y0io · 20/07/2023 13:57

OP, you're most definitely not stupid to have been upset by this awful incident.
I think the reason you feel stupid is because it's difficult for you to fully take on board the danger that you were in.
The fight/flight/freeze/fawn response is outside of your conscious control (people can be trained to override it but that doesn't apply to you you've not had training in this kind of thing).
In these kinds of situations your unconscious mind weighs things up and takes over so that you adopt the strategy which will get you the best outcome. There isn't time for you to consciously evaluate and weigh things up, a quick 'internal' decision has to be made and that's what happens.
Because you were 'in a bubble' and not really consciously taking things in it's important that you take time to process and understand what happened.

SirVixofVixHall · 20/07/2023 13:59

MoonsHaunted · 20/07/2023 12:10

I second logging with the police.

That sounds really horrible and they were basically threatening to assault/rape you. I don’t blame you for being fucking terrified.

💐

I agree with this. Horrible OP, not surprised that you feel shaken up.

Scylax · 20/07/2023 14:02

I’m so sorry how awful! I would have been terrified. It sounds like you did all the right things to keep you and your pup safe. Probably is worth logging with the police. I doubt they’ll help you, but if someone else reports them too they may start to take notice. Who’s responsible for the park? Could you report it to them?

oi0Y0io · 20/07/2023 14:03

These awful men were competing with each other to see how far they could push the boundaries and how scared they could make you, they were bonding with each other over the denigration of a woman and the enjoyment of her fear.
I like to think that the police will take this seriously, there are signs that attitudes are improving
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/jul/18/met-to-use-counter-terrorism-tactics-against-worst-male-predators

Met to use counter-terrorism tactics against worst male predators

Force targets top 100 violent offenders against women as commissioner launches promises to rebuild public trust

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/jul/18/met-to-use-counter-terrorism-tactics-against-worst-male-predators

krustykittens · 20/07/2023 14:03

Log this with the police - it is NOT a joke to threaten a woman with kidnap and gang rape if you do it with a smile on your face. They are nasty bastards and I bet this isn't the first time they have done this. As to how to get over it - STOP blaming yourself, you did nothing wrong. And something DID happen - you were targeted and threatened by a group of men simply for being a woman in a public space. You have nothing to feel embarrassed over and you have every right to feel disgusted and angry at their behaviour. Hugs to you, OP. x

PimmsandCucumbers · 20/07/2023 14:04

Definitely log with the police. Safety first with these situations, get out of it and don’t engage which is what you did.

Just be easy on yourself, don’t expect yourself to just get over it, but also go out again soon just to make sure that get through future anxiety about being out. Make sure your phone is charged and on, and stay with other people but it should help that going out fear.

Coffeetree · 20/07/2023 14:06

I'm really relieved that this thread hasn't been clogged up with the usual "Well I would've beat them up, no one harasses me!" crowd.

OP you're just blaming yourself because you're in shock. In fact your instincts were spot on. If you'd said anything at all, it would have escalated to God knows what.

This was harassment and arguably assault (common law) so absolutely make a police report.

dontgobaconmyheart · 20/07/2023 14:06

Sorry this happened to you OP. You aren't obliged to minimise or excuse what they did and said as a result of supposed alcohol consumption.

This is absolutely something worthy of reporting to the police, there is no doubt about that.

SerafinasGoose · 20/07/2023 14:07

The survival instinct is a wonderful, remarkable thing. It doesn't always even operate on a fully conscious level but is still able to assess the danger in situations on an instant basis and put you on autopilot, so to speak. On this occasion those instincts took over for you and responded in exactly the right way - the way that would keep you safe.

Taking on this gang of cowardly men who had safety in numbers would have been in every respect a bad idea.

No wonder you are shaken. Do report this if you feel able to.

I'm sorry you had to experience this - sorry for all women that men just find it impossible to leave us alone 🌹

Littlesunshiny · 20/07/2023 14:07

Please report it to the police and local council. Eventually they might put up those no drinking, no abusive behaviour tolerated signs which serve as a reminder to such absolute cowards. Doesn’t matter if it was today or last week this behaviour needs to be recorded if nothing else and you need to not have to be left feeling as you do. Can you imagine if one of them were walking their dog and were faced with exactly that behaviour? I bet they themselves would have been even more troubled by such a gang.

IncognitoMam · 20/07/2023 14:10

Please log this with the police. That's absolutely vile. I'm so sorry.

No doubt you're worried about visiting that area now?

Hallmark1234 · 20/07/2023 14:14

I'm so sorry you went through something so awful, but wrong as it is, you did the right thing by ignoring them, as they were fuelled by drink and bravado....a dangerous combination, even if later some of them might be ashamed of the way they acted....if you'd sworn at them, or tried to argue it might've got out of hand.

Please do report it to the police, but take someone with you like a friend or parent. I'm 66 and 50 years ago something similar happened to me, as a 16 year old. I was very nearly raped, but somehow I managed to escape them, but I've never forgotten it.

Dwrcegin · 20/07/2023 14:14

That must have been absolutely terrifying. I'm so sorry. No one should have to put up with that. Drinking or not, no excuse for it.

Please report it to the police.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 20/07/2023 14:15

Christ OP, that's horrendous. But you have no reason to feel disgusting. They're disgusting, not you. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time

WarmBeerAndSandwiches · 20/07/2023 14:21

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please report it, it's very worrying behaviour on the part of these men. Joking about rape is just hideous.

Anxioys · 20/07/2023 14:24

Men. Doubtless these arseholes all have parents who taught them to be this charming.

Report it to the police; these were threats, and they will do it again to another young woman.

ilovesushi · 20/07/2023 14:25

I'm sorry that happened to you. That's really horrible. In a situation like that, when you feel under serious threat, you are going to go into one of the fight, flight or freeze modes. You have little control over what that instinctual reaction is going to be. Don't beat yourself up with "I should have done this or that." You got yourself out of there safely. When I was younger (20s and 30s) had a number of scary situations and I reacted differently in all of them. One time I ran down an alley to escape someone chasing me - what an idiot - it was like a bad movie. Fortunately there was a bar down the end of it and I ran in and the people there were lovely. I have also yelled at people who threatened me and I have also clammed up. None of those reactions say anything good or bad about me, it was just survival instinct kicking in (sometimes a bit faultily!) Take good care of yourself, you will probably find there is some delayed shock kicking in. xxx

TerrorAustralis · 20/07/2023 14:28

I read your post with my heart in my mouth. Almost all of us have been there, and what happened to you sounds quite frightening.

Do not blame yourself for anything. You did nothing wrong. They did everything wrong.

It is not your fault. Repeat after me, IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

zeldazoo · 20/07/2023 14:31

people think of threat response as only fight or flight but there's also freeze. You had a 'normal' response to a completely horrific situation and it's I how I and a lot of other women would respond.

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