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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Incident in park- feel disgusting

204 replies

NutmegOrCinnamon · 20/07/2023 12:05

feel a bit stupid even being upset by this but I am. Long term poster btw but I’ve NC for this.

Earlier this week I was walking my dog through a local public park. The park consists of a huge area of woods but also more public/busy areas like the kids play park etc. I was walking my dog through the first bit to get into the park which is basically a big giant grassy field and there were lots of dogs playing off the lead. 2 dogs came running up to her and wouldn’t leave her alone. There was a big group of neddy guys I’d guess aged 30-40 sitting on the grass drinking around 30 feet from me. 2 of them came running over to collect their dogs and apologise to me for their dogs being annoying, I was like no worries etc. one of them then turned round and started saying can I get your number ? Do you walk round these woods yourself and fancy a walking partner ? And his pal burst out laughing at it. I just completely ignored him and walked on with my dog. But as I walked past the big group of guys (I had to to get into the park/woods) they all started shouting stuff at me, it was clear they were all drunk and trying to one up each other with the worst thing they could say but it felt absolutely horrible to listen to. It started with oi can my friend get your number? Where do you live hunny? Then quickly became things like shouting comments about my body, and asking obscene questions like how many fingers can you fit in? Have you ever tried an*l?? Want to come to my house and we’ll all have great fun?? Each comment got a fit of laughs from the others. I also heard them taking loudly to each other about me - for example, one of them was like if we tied her up we could all take it in turns. And again they all roared with laughter at this

usually I’d be quick enough to shout back at them to fuck off but for some reason I didn’t, I just completely froze and choked up and couldn’t say anything. It was like I was in a trance, I could hear them but I remember thinking I’m just walking my dog and ignoring them, keep walking, keep walking etc. one of their dogs then ran up to my dog again and one of the guys ran up to bring it back and again started trying to get my Snapchat and started saying things about my body, I wasn’t really listening because honestly it was as if my dog and I were in a trance and we kept walking and which seemed to annoy him more and eventually he left.

eventually they left me alone. I went into the park and took the first side exit out because I wanted to go home. There were other people walking about but only 2 people walked past me and the guys and they just kept walking. I know they were just neds and it was them just being drunk idiots and trying to be funny to each other but I felt so disgusting and embarrassed. I was just out walking my dog at 3 in the afternoon in a busy public place at 24 years old.

sorry for the rant, I don’t know why this has upset me so much because nothing actually happened but I feel horrible about it and don’t want to go back to the park, even though they probably won’t be there again. I’m also so annoyed at myself for not standing up for myself and telling them to fuck off but it was so weird, I honestly felt like I was hypnotised just to keep walking and ignore them

Has anyone got any advice on how I can get over it and stop feeling so rubbish about it all? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 20/07/2023 13:17

Newname211 · 20/07/2023 13:12

She didn’t say “needs” she said Ned’s, which means non educated delinquents.

I agree with the rest though.

Yes I know, my autocorrect however didn't.

StellaJohanna · 20/07/2023 13:17

Horrible bastards. You never forget shit like that - ever. I'm very sorry.

I would report to the police - wouldn't that come under section 4A of the Public Order Act - alarm, harassment and distress? Is there CCTV in the park? There needs to be. Local Parish Council and the Police Neighbourhood team if possible, so they know it's happening. Also the local County/city council or whoever is in charge of that park. If they did to you, they will also do to someone's 13 year old walking their dog.
I've noticed this often happens where gangs of trolls can lurk away from the public eye, like public parks, old railway lines with embankments so no-one can hear and you can't quickly get away. I avoid urban green areas like the plague.

PurpleButterflyWings · 20/07/2023 13:19

Catch yourself on @Witchinawell How rude are you?! Hmm

mangochops · 20/07/2023 13:20

Oh OP- you did NOTHING wrong- your brain quickly took you into fight or flight and decided that the best option was not to inflame the situation by speaking up. Please dont feel bad about this. You know what?- your subconscious probably picked up on some very subtle threat signals that told you to keep walking and not engage, and it worked because you're safe. Never doubt your gut on this. There are reasons we react the way we do in such situations and our reptile brain doesnt have time to explain them to us, it just drives us to act.

Please read the book "the gift of fear" by Gavin De Becker to explain this more thoroughly. Its a great book and I think all women should read it. I wouldnt have challenged a group of drunk men either- you have no idea what might have happened if you did so.

I am so sorry you had to put up with this awful behaviour from these wankers but please dont overthink your reaction- it kept you safe. I hope you can do something nice for yourself today and treat yourself kindly. x

IMustDoMoreExercise · 20/07/2023 13:20

That is awful.

I think it was best just to ignore them if they were drunk.

You did the right thing.

Telling them to f off wouldn't have been wise.

greenthumb13 · 20/07/2023 13:21

It's not your fault it's theirs. Really sorry this happened.

Helpimfalling · 20/07/2023 13:22

F@kn vile creatures.

What gets me is do these guys not think about there mothers or sisters etc.

I'm upset for you, reading it has upset me. I feel worried for my daughter.
But on the upside we see men everyday and I think this has shocked a few on this thread so it shows this isn't the normal not by a long shot.

Missingmyusername · 20/07/2023 13:22

Comedycook · 20/07/2023 12:09

Poor you....it's so disgusting and intimidating.

^ this

You did the right thing. I would log a call with the police. It’s intimidation.

How big of them. Idiots.

PortLouisLouis · 20/07/2023 13:24

I hate how we feel we’ve let ourselves down if we don’t come out with a witty put-down or stand our ground. Not only do I think we need to cut ourselves some slack when we’ve been through a really upsetting experience, which this was, but it wouldn’t have been a sensible response in this situation anyway. So let that go.

My advice is that you don’t need to get over this asap so don’t feel the pressure to do so. It’s ok to feel upset and shocked. It will pass, but not right away.

I agree with reporting to the police and would also report to the council. They need to know if there is a problem in this park.

floradora · 20/07/2023 13:24

Helpimfalling · 20/07/2023 13:22

F@kn vile creatures.

What gets me is do these guys not think about there mothers or sisters etc.

I'm upset for you, reading it has upset me. I feel worried for my daughter.
But on the upside we see men everyday and I think this has shocked a few on this thread so it shows this isn't the normal not by a long shot.

And sadly, if they were aged 30 -40 , their daughters. Shame, shame on them. Hope you are feeling ok, OP

Misspiggy1012 · 20/07/2023 13:25

You were made feel vulnerable due to being in a secluded area and alone. These men should have been reported to the police as they have made you feel like this. Can I just ask what park was you in? I've never came across anything like that I must need a dog. It's not funny when you're out numbered and they have been drinking your head starts racing and all the bad things you've heard of will come flooding in to your head at once making your heat race and a feeling of being vulnerable taking over. It's wrong and it should not be allowed to happen men making a nuisance of themselves. Take care of yourself and your wee dog. Good luck 🍀

RavingStone · 20/07/2023 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Really? Things of a similar nature, some much worse, some not nearly so bad, have been happening to me since I was about 12. Yeah the sheer number of men in this instance is perhaps unusual but if I become aware of a group men this big I do everything I can not to walk past them.

Hibiscrubbed · 20/07/2023 13:26

They were essentially threatening to gang rape you. This is a police matter.

Deathbyfluffy · 20/07/2023 13:27

Man here - this is absolutely disgusting, and I can't believe people choose to act this way.
Report to the police ASAP.

oi0Y0io · 20/07/2023 13:29

OP, this was frightening dangerous and disturbing situation for you to be in, a very large group of men whose behaviour quickly escalated into being threatening. Unsurprisingly your unconscious mind took over and put you into a 'trance' to stop you from retaliating and inflaming the situation.
I think it's important that you give yourself time to process what happened, keep very strongly in mind that you are not the disgusting one, do not internalise the disgust that you feel, THEY are the disgusting ones, their behaviour was absolutely horrifying.
You have done nothing wrong, you are completely innocent well done for keeping yourself safe.
I think you should report this but it's very important that you report it to someone who reacts in the right way.

billy1966 · 20/07/2023 13:29

Agree with everyone.

That is absolutely horrific.

Please report it to the police.

You are a lot stronger than most.

Imagine the affect on a teenage girl.

If you were my daughter I would have reported this immediately.

It absolutely sounds like criminal behaviour that needs reporting.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 20/07/2023 13:30

I’d log it with the police. As to exactly what the police can or can’t do I don’t know but it’s more common these days.

A month or so ago my arm was grabbed by a man who I think leered at me. Saw another wanking in a fairly public place where women walk.

Partiallypickled · 20/07/2023 13:30

20 years ago when I was at university I was on my way to genetic counselling for breast cancer when a lad with a group of Leary mates ironically grabbed my breasts. There was a man just about to step in and defend me but for some reason that still really bothers me I just smiled and walked on. I think at the time I just wanted to get away from a horrible situation but I still think about it often and what that man must of thought of my weird response. Big hugs and give yourself time.

Cherrysoup · 20/07/2023 13:32

Sounds genuinely terrifying and intimidating. I hope you don't encounter them again. I asked the local group of weed smokers to move when my boot came off in the mud in the woods and they were super polite.

oi0Y0io · 20/07/2023 13:32

It's not funny when you're out numbered
The thing is most women are outnumbered even by one man, very few women would be able to overpower a man. A large group of men like this behaving like a mob, this is a completely next level situation.
This is very bad, awful behaviour from these men, disgusting and horrifying.

5128gap · 20/07/2023 13:32

You did exactly the right thing in not engaging. Shouting back would have not have stopped it, made them think twice, or discouraged them. The safest way to manage these situations is not to reward with a reaction. You may want to report it, but it would be understandable if you didn't want to go through it with the police. Whatever you think would help you is what matters.

It can be really helpful to tell other women about it though. Many of us have experienced similar and there's a comfort in sharing. Also know that while there are men like this out there, there are also increasing numbers of women who are campaigning, challenging, voting, and raising awareness, working tirelessly to keep us all safer, and who wont stop until we are. You're not alone.

horseyhorsey17 · 20/07/2023 13:33

That's really horrible OP, they were talking about raping you to your actual face, of COURSE you're upset. Not sure it's worth reporting it but they're massive, massive bellends. Even though they're probably all major losers and that's why they're like they are.

blahblahblah1654 · 20/07/2023 13:35

I'm so sorry. That's not normal behaviour when drunk. They're disgusting. Please report it to the police. I'd post on local Facebook groups/nextdoor. You can post anonymously if you want.

TheaBrandt · 20/07/2023 13:40

Horrifying. You did everything right op and got out of there. Frankly any smart Alec reaction from you however justified may have triggered an actual attack.

I’ve had similar in my teens and twenties from individual men but nothing on this scale. I would report it. Sending hugs xx

explainthistomeplease · 20/07/2023 13:43

I'd have probably done the same - kept walking just to get away. Then cried.

If you feel strong enough I'd report. But if you don't, don't beat yourself up over it.

Vile excuses for humans.

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