Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughters expectations for babysitting

347 replies

grandmacant · 20/07/2023 00:04

Hi,
My only daughter and her husband have 2 children, 6 and 4. She asked me a few months ago if over the summer I could/would like to babysit while she and her husband work. I agreed. We live in Cumbria, she lives in London, but decided we would do the first and last week of the holidays. I believe the other 2 weeks will be a juggle (they are away on holiday for the middle two), but son-in-law works from home on Mondays and Fridays, my daughter works from home Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I believe they plan to drop the kids at club in the morning, a friend will pick them up and have them until early afternoon then the work from home parent will juggle work and kids for a couple of hours.
I was under the impression that my husband and I's two weeks would be calm and at our discretion as to what we do with the kids, I'd planned museums, picnics etc.
My daughter messaged me today saying the kids are booked in at a tennis club 9-12 each morning for both the weeks we are down, and we won't have to have them on the Wednesdays as their godparents will pick them up from tennis and take them to theirs to play with their older children.
Now I'm driving 6+ hours to spend afternoons with the grandkids, probably too tired to go out and do anything. I don't enjoy living to a schedule, thats why I retired early!! I told my daughter I wasn't much happy and she said, if the issue is the being up and ready to go early, she/her husband will drop them off before they start work but they would need help for the Wednesday morning. I told her the issue is I'm coming down to spend time with my grandkids and rather than spending time with them I'll be doing club runs and dealing with tired kids in the afternoon. She has replied saying if I am unhappy we can not bother coming down, but the kids want to do the clubs and it will be better for them. I'm not disagreeing the kids doing clubs is great, but why on the weeks I'll be looking after them? Why not consult me??

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Merveille · 20/07/2023 00:11

I think you’re being unreasonably prescriptive about the shape of this fortnight. Two weeks with two young children is quite full on. In your shoes I’d be pleased they had a regular morning activity. I imagine your daughter thought she was helping you out.

Sprogonthetyne · 20/07/2023 00:11

While I agree she should have talked to you about it, I suspect she booked it thinking she was doing you a favour. Having two young kids all day is hard work, and she will know how hard hers are better then anyone. She probably thought she was doing a nice thing by taking the pressure off you.

Clymene · 20/07/2023 00:14

I completely agree with you. She should have asked you what you wanted. If she's using you for free childcare then you should be consulted.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/07/2023 00:16

I'd be annoyed too, it means you won't be able to do day trips or anything that needs an early start, but there's not enough time in a morning for you to go out and do your own thing if you have to be back for noon.

Clymene · 20/07/2023 00:17

Also it means you can't do anything - no days out, no spontaneous activities. Youre literally going to be an afternoon nanny. Hardly worth the trip down.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/07/2023 00:18

Perhaps the club is an all or nothing deal for the summer who knows?

I think you and your daughter are looking at this from different perspectives, she needs help with childcare and has kept it as normal of a routine for the children and fitting in with daily woking life as usual and you saw it as a go with the flow visit which suits you but not her needs.

Either do it her way, offer to do one week as hers and the last week how you want it or don't bother and let her know now so she can get it sorted for work her end.

Weal · 20/07/2023 00:21

I can understand why you feel frustrated, but I can also understand why they booked the tennis club. They probably thought it would be helpful for you to only have the children a few hours a day rather than all day for the whole week. Sounds like a misunderstanding in expectation.

Is the main visit to provide childcare or spend quality time with the children?

Have you had the children for this length of time before?

TomatoSandwiches · 20/07/2023 00:23

Maybe the children can come to yours for one week? You'd have complete control over the pace and what activities to do, see some countryside, that would be nice if the children don't get homesick.

Original poster
grandmacant · 20/07/2023 00:24

Clymene · 20/07/2023 00:17

Also it means you can't do anything - no days out, no spontaneous activities. Youre literally going to be an afternoon nanny. Hardly worth the trip down.

Exactly, we had planned to do legoland, the zoo, chessington etc. these are hardly worth it for half days.
It's not even like tennis is the club they are doing the other two weeks, I'm sure the other two weeks grandson is doing Tae Kwon Do and Granddaughter Ballet, there is no need for them to do clubs all 4 weeks.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 20/07/2023 00:24

6 & 4 ? They'll be raring to go after lunch then. Pick them up from tennis & either have packed lunch immediately ready or go to lunch & then an activity with you. Can you compromise that they miss the odd day or two of tennis club for some all day outings? All day every day with a 6 & 4 year old would be very very hard work. It could still be a great 2 weeks if you both compromise.

Caterina99 · 20/07/2023 00:24

I agree she should’ve asked your opinion, but your DD probably thought she was being helpful. 2 kids those ages can be hard work and the days are long. The kids won’t be particularly tired after the club (if mine are anything to go by) so you still have afternoons to fill.

Is it possible the kids can come and stay with you for the 2nd week? That might suit everyone better.

Maddy70 · 20/07/2023 00:25

Speak to your daughter. I suspect she thinks she's helping you tell her you dont want them to go to the club

Original poster
grandmacant · 20/07/2023 00:26

TomatoSandwiches · 20/07/2023 00:23

Maybe the children can come to yours for one week? You'd have complete control over the pace and what activities to do, see some countryside, that would be nice if the children don't get homesick.

Daughter won't allow this, we have asked before, she has said it is too far. We have had them overnight alone either at ours while daughter and her husband went to a spa hotel or at their home while daughter and her husband went to weddings etc. but never up here on their own totally.

OP posts:
Circumferences · 20/07/2023 00:27

Tricky one! I do expect she thought it was helping you out having the kids occupied and with a plan, but I can see how it's basically made things more stressful and I'm more like you really, I prefer taking it easy in the holidays and going on day trips.
What's so great about tennis anyway.

So to me YANBU but- I think you'll need to do it now otherwise you'll jeapordize your relationship.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/07/2023 00:28

grandmacant · 20/07/2023 00:26

Daughter won't allow this, we have asked before, she has said it is too far. We have had them overnight alone either at ours while daughter and her husband went to a spa hotel or at their home while daughter and her husband went to weddings etc. but never up here on their own totally.

Show quote history

That's a shame, my fondest memories are with my grandmother when it was just her and I in the holidays together.

Leeds2 · 20/07/2023 00:29

I think your daughter was trying to be helpful.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 20/07/2023 00:31

Well, it's not ideal but it's not like she's making it harder for you.

Plan things for the afternoon. They won't be exhausted from tennis club, at this age it will be a low key activity.

Build the relationship with your GC and let them see that you are an exciting option for them and that they will have a blast with grandma and grandpa.

It will take time, but if your DD sees that you are happy to fit in with what she wants for her DC she will likely get more flexible further down the track. If you kick off about it now then you might not even get this chance again. Think hard about what you want your long term relationship to look like.

Pawpatrolsucks · 20/07/2023 00:35

Can you ask if you can take them out for one full day?

EconomyClassRockstar · 20/07/2023 00:36

A 6 and 4 year old at tennis class? Just pick them up afterwards (WITH FOOD AND WATER) and take them on to have actual fun. They'll have spent their morning standing in the sun, watching balls go nowhere near their rackets. Ideally, an outdoor pool would be perfect.

NessieMcNessface · 20/07/2023 00:38

Personally I’d be grateful that they were out at a club every morning as I have grandchildren of the same age and find being in charge of them all day quite exhausting. However, that’s just me and I have great admiration for you for wanting to do spontaneous activities with them. As others have said your daughter probably thought she was being helpful; freeing you up to have some time on your own before picking up the grandchildren. It’s also hard if the children actually want to do these activities. I would just speak to your daughter gently, explaining how you feel and saying how disappointed you are so that another time she can structure the time more to your liking. Also they’ll still be full of energy in the afternoon and you might be able to do some nice things with them.

Scienceadvisory · 20/07/2023 00:39

I doubt they will be too tired to do anything in the afternoon. They will be used to 9-3 at school and maybe even breakfast and after school clubs.

I get why you would want a couple of full days though. Is it possible to compromise and have 1 week of tennis club and 1 week without?

OhNoYouDidnnt · 20/07/2023 00:41

I agree with you

Burningthroughthesky · 20/07/2023 00:42

CSIblonde · 20/07/2023 00:24

6 & 4 ? They'll be raring to go after lunch then. Pick them up from tennis & either have packed lunch immediately ready or go to lunch & then an activity with you. Can you compromise that they miss the odd day or two of tennis club for some all day outings? All day every day with a 6 & 4 year old would be very very hard work. It could still be a great 2 weeks if you both compromise.

This.

Just pick them up at 12 with lunch and then go do whatever you like. Enjoy the peace in the mornings!

kiwivick87 · 20/07/2023 00:44

Daughter probably trying to be helpful but she should have discussed with you before making arrangements! I as a Grandma enjoy taking my grandchild out on proper day trips rather than just killing a couple of hours in the afternoon.

LadyJ2023 · 20/07/2023 00:49

My best memories are with my grandparents and now my kids get the same memories also. I would never dream of making plans for when the kids stay with grandparents or when they come here. The one thing our 4 love is grandma and grandad totally spoil them with lush days out and fun so I never arrange stuff while there doing that