Daughters expectations for babysitting

[grandmacant]

Hi,
My only daughter and her husband have 2 children, 6 and 4. She asked me a few months ago if over the summer I could/would like to babysit while she and her husband work. I agreed. We live in Cumbria, she lives in London, but decided we would do the first and last week of the holidays. I believe the other 2 weeks will be a juggle (they are away on holiday for the middle two), but son-in-law works from home on Mondays and Fridays, my daughter works from home Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I believe they plan to drop the kids at club in the morning, a friend will pick them up and have them until early afternoon then the work from home parent will juggle work and kids for a couple of hours.
I was under the impression that my husband and I's two weeks would be calm and at our discretion as to what we do with the kids, I'd planned museums, picnics etc.
My daughter messaged me today saying the kids are booked in at a tennis club 9-12 each morning for both the weeks we are down, and we won't have to have them on the Wednesdays as their godparents will pick them up from tennis and take them to theirs to play with their older children.
Now I'm driving 6+ hours to spend afternoons with the grandkids, probably too tired to go out and do anything. I don't enjoy living to a schedule, thats why I retired early!! I told my daughter I wasn't much happy and she said, if the issue is the being up and ready to go early, she/her husband will drop them off before they start work but they would need help for the Wednesday morning. I told her the issue is I'm coming down to spend time with my grandkids and rather than spending time with them I'll be doing club runs and dealing with tired kids in the afternoon. She has replied saying if I am unhappy we can not bother coming down, but the kids want to do the clubs and it will be better for them. I'm not disagreeing the kids doing clubs is great, but why on the weeks I'll be looking after them? Why not consult me??

I don’t necessarily think a half day at a club will leave them tired and unable to do anything in the afternoon.

If anything, spending time with their friends in a familiar surrounding will be quite calming for mine…

Personally, I would miss them far too much to want them to go to Cumbria for 2 weeks (and they would be desperately home sick and unsettled) so I don’t think it’s odd to take that off the table.

Ultimately, you have to decide if you’re doing this as a favour for her or a treat for you but moaning about the logistics seems a bit whingey of you when you still get to spend plenty of time with them in the afternoons and evenings.

I can see both sides. Especially if the expectation is that the kids are out of the house pretty much all day (? - to enable one parent or other wfh) I can see that she would have thought it made your life much easier to have the mornings basically sorted. I can also see that the tennis club looked objectively like a nice thing for the kids, and as a working mother myself it can be a bit shit seeing fun stuff on for the summer which you just can't have your own kids take part in due to work.

Depends on past experiences I suppose but I would never have imagined my mum would want to take my kids for full on days out multiple times a week!

I think it's a shame she's not happy to let them stay at yours. She knows them best so perhaps that's a view based on them genuinely not being ready for it, but I think it would be lovely for the kids, sounds like you'd like it, and what incredible freedom to work and live for your daughter! Im a bit jealous in fact - my mum won't have both of mine for anything close to that amount of time.

These are my grandchildren I’m talking about - all 5 of them. We cook, go for walks, find insects, as well as the stuff I’ve spoken about, we are creating memories. They have other things to do as well, so it doesn’t need to be full day. My point is that - although it IS annoying - it’s not an irretrievable situation.

Well that goes for both doesn't it? Presumably the mum didn't know about the trips to Legoland/Chessington or wherever.

Drop the kids off at camp, go have a lovely relaxing breakfast each day and a nice stroll down a nearby canal, river or park and find some enjoyable things to fill those couple of hours each morning. You might end up having a great time and appreciating those chilled out mornings more than you think. If you have the kids from 12 onwards that's still a lot of day for you to fill until the parents finish work at 5 or 6 or whenever it is they finish.

Sure, I do think your daughter should have probably involved you in a conversation about the plans for those weeks before booking them on to get your perspective. A simple "hey, I'm thinking of booking them onto tennis club from 9-12 each day... it's a good idea imo because of XYZ reasons.. what do you think?" could have gone a long way. But she probably didn't think she was inconveniencing you by doing it, she probably thought the opposite.

I can see why your daughter has done this. 2 weeks of full days with that age would be exhausting (and not involve leisurely mornings!). Also if this is an activity they want to do, it can be hard to book in half day activities when you work as you Hay not be able to get away to pick them up middle of the day, so you bring there is a good chance for them to do that. However, I also see your point that it's not what you imagined, you should have a say, and doing that every day really dues restrict you.

The obvious thing is to insist on a compromise where they do tennis some days, but not every day you are there.

I really agree with @repetitionismyname . I think you should take the hint- no parent is going to book things 'on your time' if they are rock solid sure that what you have planned will suit the children.

Your daughter isn't happy with them staying overnight with you for multiple days yet, and she's not comfortable with letting you have a whole freeform week. This means she knows that they way you would take care of and interact with them, lovely as it may be, won't suit all of you for long periods of time. You aren't used to what they need day in day out. Your expectations of a day trip are not what it'll be like in reality. You might get tireder than you think.

My dad would happily commit to having my DC for a week, and they're a bit older. But I know that the mismatch of expectations would mean that by day 2 the kids would be off kilter, probably get shouted at, and would end up with not great choices being made (like having 4 ice creams or whatever) just to get everyone out of various sticky situations. So I have to stage manage the interaction a bit. And then everyone gets that time and space to build a relationship.

It all comes from a place of love for both you and the children. If you truly want to help your daughter and have her not worry about you all, this is the way to help her.

I have woken up this morning to a message from my daughter, both apologising if she came across as moody last night and giving further insight into her choice.
She effectively said her reasons were

• With either her husband or herself working from home most days it is preferable the kids aren't in the house in the mornings, this when they have meetings and the kids running around comes across much less professional she didn't want to pressure us with being up and out early everyday
• As we are doing first and last week of the holidays, she thinks it will be a softer transition for the kids to go from 8-5/6 at school to 9-12 at nursery than just straight into no routine
• To some extent the kids have their own plans for when we are down (grandson wants his grandad to take him out on his bike, granddaughter wants a teddy bear picnic and to visit a pottery painting place), as much as they would enjoy big days out, they will also enjoy a morning with kids then a chill afternoon with a small activity or going to the park
• She finished with, "also if the mornings are and Wednesday are taken care of and for any reason you can't or aren't able to have the kids, we can work around that, which stops me worrying and eases the pressure for you and dad"

I have replied saying I would have liked a full day or two at least but understand, she has suggested maybe we come down for October half term and do some full days then.

Yeah I am wondering what is wrong with the kids who will be apparently be exhausted by this? Mine is like the Duracell bunny on steroids, no chance she’d be tired by a few hours of tennis

She sounds very controlling

I also think she was trying to help you out.

I'd do the same to ease the pressure off you.if it's PAID up front then I'm sure they don't HAVE to go in a few days and their place will be held. So you can take them out.

Chessington and legoland in school holidays with young kids.... 😬😬😬😬 sorry OP I couldn't think of a more stressful way to spend the holidays but that's just me. I avoid these theme parks in the school holidays as majorly stressful.... and the standing qbout in the queues 🙈🙈🙈

You can reply and just say that's great, and you'll choose one full day when you get there so you can do Legoland.

Sounds like she listened and heard, and you’ve got some more insight, and there’s compromise on the table for October.

Your plans will be just as fun next summer, and as they get older your DD will be happier to have them stay away too.

If she/ her DH WFH, can they come and work from your house one week next summer?

They will be fine to do things in the afternoons. I looked after grandchildren in a similar arrangement (they are older now) and really appreciated the time to myself. The children enjoyed their activities, and we had plenty of time together to do things. Your daughter is thoughtful, considering both you and the children, and well-organised.

A 3 hour tennis club for 3 hours every morning for a 6 and 4 year old sounds insane.

Wouldn't bother me. I think you're erring on the unreasonable side. Enjoy having your grandkids tell you all about the clubs when you pick them up. Get they'll be excited you're coming to stay.

Sounds like she is trying to think through what would be best for everyone. She should have consulted you first, I agree, but we all get it wrong sometimes.

Personally, I love the fact that, while you and your dd are each making their own plans about how to spend the time, your tiny dgd and dgs are busy planning their own agenda!

A 4 year old won't get anything from a tennis club and even a 6 year old would be questionable - odd choice

One of those situations whereby neither of you are wrong or right. They probably thought they were helping by taking some of the pressure of you, whilst you wanted freedom to entertain them.

Op from your recent update it sounds like your DD is very reasonable and was trying to sort the week in a way that worked for everyone as much as possible. Her replying with her reasons so clearly makes her sound very decent and now you have made your desires clear they can be taken into account for the October holiday. Had you clearly communicated that you wanted to take the kids for whole days out?

personally I’d be biting your hand off if I had parents this willing and capable to have our kids.

I think your dd sounds very sensible and organised. She has a lot on her plate with two young children and work and a plethora of domestic stuff. I think she has done her very best for all concerned.

From your dd's perspective a whole week of big trips sets the bar for the rest of the holidays very high and is a bit spoily for the dc.

From your perspective, you have quiet morning to potter, have coffee, read, have a look round the shops. As someone in my 60s I'd welcome that as respite from 6/7 hours of full on time with a 4 and 6 year old.

I think it will also be nice to do some lower key things with the grandchildren which can be fun and they will value you for the grandparent you are rather than the "Disney" grandparent.

As you are coming to London there are plenty of cool things that don't take up a whole day but are still special:

Natural History and/or Science Museums
River trips along the Thames
Pizza lunch and cinema
London Eye
Children's theatres
As your dd suggested, the pottery painting, possibly combined with the park
Splash parks with water slides - mine loved that and there is usually one within a 30/40 minute drive

Chessington, Legoland, London Zoo are huge treats for birthdays and as rewards for end of term, being good, etc.

Could you ask your dd if they can go to Chessington for example on the Friday, if they have been very good all week?

Honestly, my children at that age would be totally exhausted whingebags with trips to legoland and museums every day. A good compromise would be a day off tennis and to do a trip once in each week you are down, and then the other days do tennis and take them to playgrounds, library or a local funfair. I asked my 6 year old what she wanted to do in the holidays and she said go to the park, have ice cream, do arts and crafts and go to the cinema. They did get very tired and grouchy in the hot afternoons. See if you can tweak the tennis schedule the weeks you are down, and don’t overload them with activities.

It's inconsiderate of her really. It should have been discussed.

Its up to you now, though, to decide if you stil;Brant to go down there.🙂

Funnily enough, I was listening to a woman on the TV the other day who taught Henry Searle (new junior Wimbledon winner) when he was just 3. She said that he was achieving quite long rallies even at that age!

He is obviously on the extreme end of talented, but I reckon some 4 and 6 year olds would get something out of it.