Daughters expectations for babysitting

[grandmacant]

Hi,
My only daughter and her husband have 2 children, 6 and 4. She asked me a few months ago if over the summer I could/would like to babysit while she and her husband work. I agreed. We live in Cumbria, she lives in London, but decided we would do the first and last week of the holidays. I believe the other 2 weeks will be a juggle (they are away on holiday for the middle two), but son-in-law works from home on Mondays and Fridays, my daughter works from home Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I believe they plan to drop the kids at club in the morning, a friend will pick them up and have them until early afternoon then the work from home parent will juggle work and kids for a couple of hours.
I was under the impression that my husband and I's two weeks would be calm and at our discretion as to what we do with the kids, I'd planned museums, picnics etc.
My daughter messaged me today saying the kids are booked in at a tennis club 9-12 each morning for both the weeks we are down, and we won't have to have them on the Wednesdays as their godparents will pick them up from tennis and take them to theirs to play with their older children.
Now I'm driving 6+ hours to spend afternoons with the grandkids, probably too tired to go out and do anything. I don't enjoy living to a schedule, thats why I retired early!! I told my daughter I wasn't much happy and she said, if the issue is the being up and ready to go early, she/her husband will drop them off before they start work but they would need help for the Wednesday morning. I told her the issue is I'm coming down to spend time with my grandkids and rather than spending time with them I'll be doing club runs and dealing with tired kids in the afternoon. She has replied saying if I am unhappy we can not bother coming down, but the kids want to do the clubs and it will be better for them. I'm not disagreeing the kids doing clubs is great, but why on the weeks I'll be looking after them? Why not consult me??

Seems a shame she’s booked things whilst you are there but maybe the kids really want to do
them? You can still do Legoland etc, I used to live in london and we often went to Legoland/zoo just for afternoons, it’s a bit quieter and you get more rides in as the day goes on. We went last wkend, got there at opening and it was so busy we did 3 rides in 4 hours! We managed more rides in the last 3 hrs of the day than the 1st 4!! Maybe do it this time and see how it goes, if it doesn’t work for you then Just explain to daughter that next time you’d rather just go with the flow and see what she says

I think it was quite cheeky of them. Not the fact they booked the children into the club but that they didnt tell you before you agreed to babysit what the set up would be. I'd be tempted to say sorry but that arrangement won't suit us. Because tbh it doesn't. You are doing them a favour yet it's still everything to suit them and your wishes and preferences are not even taken into consideration. Not on.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/my-daughter-asked-id-babysit-30509862

We have Merlin passes and in the summer we only go on the afternoon. All day is way too much as the parks are open until 6-7pm. The mornings are awful so we tend to go at after lunch, watch a few of the shows do lesser rides and then by mid afternoon the queues are a lot better. In the last hour children who got to the park at 9am are long gone so you can usually just walk onto a few of the big rides, right up until 1 minute to closing time (Sky Lion, Ninjango etc). Don't forget bathing suits and towels for legoland (Splash landings is great fun).
I'd let daughter deal with the mornings, getting them up and dropping them off, especially if you've tired them out the day before with lovely trips, and book yourself a Matinee in town on the Wednesdays since you're not needed on those days.

It’s a difficult one as people have previously said. She probable thought she was helping, by booking them in to a club in the morning. I can’t imagine a 6 & 4YO have asked specific go to tennis camp. Perhaps mention you had planned some full day activities that would be impossible if they are in tennis club in the mornings and then on both Thursdays you take them out on day trips (I say Thursday only because they usually have awards and such on a Friday at these camps and they might not want to miss that) you then can take them out in the afternoon on the other days to things that aren’t quite such long days. I think you’ll be glad of the break by about Wednesday anyway. I don’t think you need worry about them being too tired by midday (it’s only 3 hours) they’ll be full of beans!

Absolutely same here. Nothing more boring to me (as a kid or now) than "scheduled activities".

I agree with you.

I would have loved a kids club. Absolutely loved it.

@grandmacant I have not read the whole thread. Whilst I appreciate kids need routine, you really can not be expected to simply being used to pick up and deal with tired kids.

I am on your side. If she wants help to keep the kids' schedules, she must hire paid help. I am semi-retired too and have no plans to live to someone's else' schedule ever again.

leave it. it is her loss.

How would giving up spending lovely afternoons with her grandchildren be her daughter’s loss?

@GrinAndVomit no, OP says with that schedule, she will be dealing with tired kids in the afternoon- her words. OP doesn't call that lovely, do you?

'lovely afternoons'

I can appreciate that. We're all different!

I have a six and four year old, so much more recent hands on experience than OP, and they wouldn’t be too tired for a trip to the zoo in the afternoon.
I don’t think many 6 and 4 years old would be once they’d had lunch and recharged.

I can see both sides of this one, and for once it doesn't feel like anyone is being horrible to anyone else - it sounds like just a misunderstanding.

The sensible thing might be to compromise? Maybe you can have one or two full days with the kids doing your thing, and they can do the clubs the other days?

I am not a parent, but my strong impression is that kids have FAR more structured lives nowadays than I did as a child (I'm 45). So perhaps there is a deeper generational divide at work here too. Parenting has changed a lot since you brought up your DD. Being aware of, and responsive to, that may help?

It's not unreasonable for them to want to do a sport of interest, but every day does seem very prescriptive for what you then get to do as with the distance I imagine it's not as though you can lightly plan days out with the gks. Saying that I don't think 9-12 would wear out many kids, so I think the long summer afternoon/ evenings are still quite promising. Definitely it's cheeky to treat you as the nanny here - which it sounds like they need.

I hope OP finds your comment helpful. This is the stuff she also needs to hear.

Yeah your plans sound utterly exhausting OP! Nice to see a family communicating and having healthy discussions after some of the madness on mumsnet!

What a nice outcome, @grandmacant! Clear communication and everyone being reasonable and seeing the other side. Rather refreshing.

Excellent, this is good communication. Also good she has explained it properly as yes, it sound like you needed things prescribed to you for the kids. Good for standing up for yourself.

When my mother baby sat my sister's kids, she also had her own boundaries and it worked for them by both sides being clear. Going along with things without good communication just breeds resentment.

Have you told her that, surely they'd feel differently knowing you've planned full weeks. Are your dc staying with you in a rental or something, if so why not just take them on holiday or back to yours for a week? It sounds like your DD is trying to be as organised as poss with your offers to look after dc.

They are not playing full games! A lot of work goes into tennis camps, they cover tons of skills in groups.

Correction, at 70 you don’t reapply for your licence, you have a new one issued. Has to be renewed every three years after that, but DVLC don’t charge a renewal fee.

I agree with you and if was her I would be wanting to save money not pay for clubs when they have childcare. I think you need to strike a balance and say you want to take them on a couple of full days out so can they miss tennis club. Try not to cut off your nose to spite your face as it will still be nice to see the children

Seems a bit of an overreaction...maybe they could just have a conversation about they were both hoping for and come up with a plan.