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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daughters expectations for babysitting

347 replies

grandmacant · 20/07/2023 00:04

Hi,
My only daughter and her husband have 2 children, 6 and 4. She asked me a few months ago if over the summer I could/would like to babysit while she and her husband work. I agreed. We live in Cumbria, she lives in London, but decided we would do the first and last week of the holidays. I believe the other 2 weeks will be a juggle (they are away on holiday for the middle two), but son-in-law works from home on Mondays and Fridays, my daughter works from home Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I believe they plan to drop the kids at club in the morning, a friend will pick them up and have them until early afternoon then the work from home parent will juggle work and kids for a couple of hours.
I was under the impression that my husband and I's two weeks would be calm and at our discretion as to what we do with the kids, I'd planned museums, picnics etc.
My daughter messaged me today saying the kids are booked in at a tennis club 9-12 each morning for both the weeks we are down, and we won't have to have them on the Wednesdays as their godparents will pick them up from tennis and take them to theirs to play with their older children.
Now I'm driving 6+ hours to spend afternoons with the grandkids, probably too tired to go out and do anything. I don't enjoy living to a schedule, thats why I retired early!! I told my daughter I wasn't much happy and she said, if the issue is the being up and ready to go early, she/her husband will drop them off before they start work but they would need help for the Wednesday morning. I told her the issue is I'm coming down to spend time with my grandkids and rather than spending time with them I'll be doing club runs and dealing with tired kids in the afternoon. She has replied saying if I am unhappy we can not bother coming down, but the kids want to do the clubs and it will be better for them. I'm not disagreeing the kids doing clubs is great, but why on the weeks I'll be looking after them? Why not consult me??

OP posts:
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5
WandaWonder · 20/07/2023 00:49

Maybe if you want someone's help you should talk to them and ask them and not dictate how they help - how is assuming you are helping them actually helping them?

do grandparents suddenly lose the right to be their own person and are just around so they can help the grandkids?

I am noticing this more and more - grandparents have to help but on my terms and be grateful they are being asked

Clymene · 20/07/2023 00:51

She sounds like a controlling pain in the arse. I wouldn't bother going all that way to be fill in childcare.

Adifferentangle · 20/07/2023 00:52

My mum is having my two children for a week in the holidays. It's a long drive down and she's gets tired easily so I very nearly booked tennis club for the mornings. One child super keen the other not so much.
I hadn't thought that my mum would be annoyed! Maybe I'll save the money.

Radiodread · 20/07/2023 00:56

If they knew you’d have … views…, they were probably hedging their bets in case you decided you didn’t want to do it/ fit in with them. They have given you a choice, come and help them out or don’t. You can choose not to, that’s ok. But all this could have been avoided with some honest communication on both sides.

Yfory · 20/07/2023 01:00

Having scheduled clubs and activities almost everyday of the summer hols sounds really annoying and dull to me. As a kid I LOVED that the 6 week hols meant 6 weeks of space to get bored and then think, be creative, dream etc. 6 weeks to find new ways to have fun as well as go on trips to places like museums, the zoo, local parks etc.
Yanbu op!

Lavenderandbrown · 20/07/2023 01:06

I would be a bit disappointed with the rigid schedule but I absolutely would go and spend time as planned. You agreed and your daughter is counting on you. Go this time and do it “her way”. Do some of the excursions you planned. ENJOY your grandchildren. Next year may be different but you will still be part of the plan because you went along with it all this year.

Unicorn2022 · 20/07/2023 01:08

I agree that your DD was probably trying to be helpful and not expect you to look after the kids from dawn till dusk.

Honestly you would be mental to even think of taking a 6 and a 4 year old to Chessington and Legoland in the school holidays. Let them have the mornings at boring tennis club and take them out somewhere in the afternoon - somewhere like Old Macdonalds Farm or Discover in Stratford are good for afternoons, depending on where you are in London.

DreamTheMoors · 20/07/2023 01:26

”I’d like you to babysit the kids, but you’ll have to do this and this and this” doesn’t look like a very attractive invitation.
And it’s terrible because of course you want to spend time with your much loved grandchildren.

I’m not a fan of big buts.

FrozenGhost · 20/07/2023 01:33

It's not really like that though, because this is something she doesn't have to do, not something she has to do.

For most people, "I'd like you to babysit in the afternoon" is a much more attractive proposition than "I'd like you to babysit all day every day".

mathanxiety · 20/07/2023 01:41

They won't be too tired for an afternoon activity after tennis camp at all. There's an awful lot of standing in line waiting for your turn at sports camps.

Pack food and water and take them off at least three of the afternoons.

mathanxiety · 20/07/2023 01:44

And see if they can skip the Friday?

All the attractions you're thinking about will be heaving with families though. Are you sure you want to do day trips?

Hohumitsreallyallthereis · 20/07/2023 02:06

I think your daughter was trying to be helpful. I know my parents would appreciate me giving the day some structure.

user1492757084 · 20/07/2023 02:39

Go along with it and find an some adult things for your husband and you to enjoy of two hours of each day. Your daughter might be happy for the kids to miss two or three days for an especially long adventurous excursion.
Other days you should plan to take off straight from the tennis to what ever the plan is for the day - be it home reading or at the Zoo (which might be open into the twilight?)

Frozensun · 20/07/2023 03:07

I look after kids regularly. I can understand your annoyance, given your planning. But, I think that post tennis activities would create memories for them. In the past few weeks (school holidays), I’ve taken 7&4yo to the adventure playground, the movies, lunch at the beach, library activity. All were half days and the kids had a great time!

Tophy124 · 20/07/2023 03:08

I agree with you OP. They will be exhausted at 4 and 6 if they have been running around all morning and you’re right that it then means you can’t do the full days out like legoland as by the time you get there you would only have 2 hours before the place closes. I’d be really disappointed if I were you. I also feel sorry for children who are go go go all the time and don’t get a rest even on their summer holidays. Tennis sounds excruciatingly boring vs fun time with grandparents. My son only sees my Mum a few times a year and Id never book anything for when she is here without asking her.

LovePoppy · 20/07/2023 03:18

grandmacant · 20/07/2023 00:24

Exactly, we had planned to do legoland, the zoo, chessington etc. these are hardly worth it for half days.
It's not even like tennis is the club they are doing the other two weeks, I'm sure the other two weeks grandson is doing Tae Kwon Do and Granddaughter Ballet, there is no need for them to do clubs all 4 weeks.

Show quote history

Did you talk to your daughter about your plans with the kids?

this sounds like a lack of communication.

as far as how many camps they do, stay out of that.

3isthemagicnumberrr · 20/07/2023 03:30

I would have done exactly the same as your daughter, thinking I’m being helpful and ensuring you get a break. I read your OP and thought how reasonable it sounded! Sounds like it’s a bit of miscommunication on both sides….

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 20/07/2023 03:33

Clymene · 20/07/2023 00:51

She sounds like a controlling pain in the arse. I wouldn't bother going all that way to be fill in childcare.

This x1000.

Let her find a nanny for the afternoons.

WandaWonder · 20/07/2023 03:43

3isthemagicnumberrr · 20/07/2023 03:30

I would have done exactly the same as your daughter, thinking I’m being helpful and ensuring you get a break. I read your OP and thought how reasonable it sounded! Sounds like it’s a bit of miscommunication on both sides….

But wouldn't it be simpler to ask rather than assume?

PicaK · 20/07/2023 03:51

I think you've forgotten what kids that age are like, how much energy they have and how, if they're used to a routine, suddenly not having one can be discombobulating.
Your go with the flow approach sounds like it involves a slower pace of getting up and leisurely deciding over breakfast what's going to happen. Whereas the kids will need to be up and at it. Does your daughter actually know you quite well and has compromised.
I think 6 hours a day - 12 til 6 - still leaves you lots of time to grandparent.

justasmalltownmum · 20/07/2023 04:04

I would take them out for a picnic some days and skip tennis one day and take them on. A full day out.

Codlingmoths · 20/07/2023 04:13

I would assume she thought it was trying to help. My kids would be fresh as a daisy, starving and ready to bounce off the walls for 6 hours straight after lunch, so I am not sure these two will be tired 😁😁 I agree ask if you can skip one session in the second week for a day outing but personally I’d leave it till after the first week, you may finish the first week and think thank goodness we had those breaks in the morning for a peaceful cup of tea, walk, get together the lunch and snacks before it’s GO GO GO

Tistheseason17 · 20/07/2023 04:47

Codlingmoths · 20/07/2023 04:13

I would assume she thought it was trying to help. My kids would be fresh as a daisy, starving and ready to bounce off the walls for 6 hours straight after lunch, so I am not sure these two will be tired 😁😁 I agree ask if you can skip one session in the second week for a day outing but personally I’d leave it till after the first week, you may finish the first week and think thank goodness we had those breaks in the morning for a peaceful cup of tea, walk, get together the lunch and snacks before it’s GO GO GO

^^ 💯 this

Overthehillbutnotveryfar · 20/07/2023 05:05

I’d be a bit grumpy that I hadn’t been discussed but I think that it may be a bit overly optimistic to plan two full weeks of full day activities with a 6 and 4 year old . I think she’s doing you a favour and also the offer that they take them in each morning but one sounds great so you can relax each morning . Like others have said they won’t be exhausted in the afternoon and I’m sure you can find fun things to do with them - they’ll look forward to this time hugely . Your daughter must be really stressed having to juggle hols and childcare and work plus having to keep her mother happy ! Just help out on her terms, enjoy your time with the grandkids while they’re young and reap the rewards . I’ve learnt with my two daughters and similar age grandkids to just go wit the flow and put needs first . 6 hours drive for two weeks of seeing grandkids each afternoon (and evenings if you’re staying ) sounds like a winner to me ! I’m sure they’ll will
stay with you when they’re older if you can build this relationship with them now. It’s not a lot to ask that you cope with some sort of scheduling for two weeks - most busy working families would have one . I fear of you aren’t flexible on this you won’t be asked again. But don’t go if you’re going to be grumpy about it or give your daughter a hard time while you’re there ….

Noicant · 20/07/2023 05:06

I think she was doing you a favour, that age is exhausting. Take them straight from tennis to an activity.

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