Daughters expectations for babysitting

[grandmacant]

Hi,
My only daughter and her husband have 2 children, 6 and 4. She asked me a few months ago if over the summer I could/would like to babysit while she and her husband work. I agreed. We live in Cumbria, she lives in London, but decided we would do the first and last week of the holidays. I believe the other 2 weeks will be a juggle (they are away on holiday for the middle two), but son-in-law works from home on Mondays and Fridays, my daughter works from home Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I believe they plan to drop the kids at club in the morning, a friend will pick them up and have them until early afternoon then the work from home parent will juggle work and kids for a couple of hours.
I was under the impression that my husband and I's two weeks would be calm and at our discretion as to what we do with the kids, I'd planned museums, picnics etc.
My daughter messaged me today saying the kids are booked in at a tennis club 9-12 each morning for both the weeks we are down, and we won't have to have them on the Wednesdays as their godparents will pick them up from tennis and take them to theirs to play with their older children.
Now I'm driving 6+ hours to spend afternoons with the grandkids, probably too tired to go out and do anything. I don't enjoy living to a schedule, thats why I retired early!! I told my daughter I wasn't much happy and she said, if the issue is the being up and ready to go early, she/her husband will drop them off before they start work but they would need help for the Wednesday morning. I told her the issue is I'm coming down to spend time with my grandkids and rather than spending time with them I'll be doing club runs and dealing with tired kids in the afternoon. She has replied saying if I am unhappy we can not bother coming down, but the kids want to do the clubs and it will be better for them. I'm not disagreeing the kids doing clubs is great, but why on the weeks I'll be looking after them? Why not consult me??

This is a hard one. There’s no right or wrong answer, but what I can see is that both you and your daughter are not very good communicators. You’re both making detailed plans for a “shared” time without talking! If you take anything from this, it’s to improve communication. Too many WhatsApp messages with ideas/thoughts/intentions are better than none at all.

Well I disagree with this. The kids might "want" to keep doing activities in the afternoon, but most kids are at their best in the morning when they are fresh. Their afternoon energy is more irritable and tired, they are more argumentative etc. The tennis club will get them at their best and grandma will have them when they are cranky. Also, if their clubs end at noon, then by the time they've gotten home and eaten lunch it will be 1 or 1:30 pm, kids are never quick out the door so they won't even get to the zoo until after 2pm, then when they are on their way back it will be rush hour.

They can go straight to the zoo with the picnic OP says she wanted to do.

No need to go home first.
You’re making it more difficult than it needs to be.

I'm afraid you're the one who needs a correction. All UK driving licences expire at age 70 and you have to apply to renew it. You don't have to pay, but you do have to actively apply.

Renew your driving licence if you're 70 or over - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

Because offering free childcare isn’t nice enough.

Precisely why I don’t know why many grandparents bother to get into these arrangements. If you dare have expectations you’re labelled selfish and unreasonable. If you refuse to provide childcare at all you’re selfish and unreasonable.

If your kids at 6 years were cranky and argumentative after a 3 hour club that says more about them! It’s absolutely not normal for kids age to only be able to do one activity a day, an 18 month old perhaps.

If I were you I would stay home and let her sort something else outl Cumbria is a long way from London and she is being extremely selfish, how can she expect you to drive what is the best part of 250 to 300 miles just to spend a few hours with the kids, then be too shattered to drive home again, is she really that selfish and blinkered?

Yes, I'd be annoyed too. She knows you're coming down to, presumably, spend time with your grandchildren & with your daughter and husband. Do, for those 2 weeks, the children don't need to be in clubs. Why do parents often feel that their children have to be out doing something all the time? What I used to love about the holidays when I was a child was actually being at home! Why not just let them be honest with you on those 2 weeks, when there's no schedule and you xan lazy breakfasts and then see what you feel like doing on the day rather than be prescriptive about it all. I feel sorry for children these days who are shunted to clubs in the holidays all the time.

• honest?! Don't know why my phone changed it to that! Not even sure what my original word was! Sorry 😁

Gosh it's only a couple of weeks - sounds like you don't childmind much at other times. So you are out of practice - just go with the flow - do what she asks - if it's wonderful and you want to spend more time with the DGCs arrange that for the future.

She's not driving back on the same day, that would be insane lol.
She's driving down, spending the week, then driving back. OP's problem (now sorted per latest update) was that the kids had an activity booked for 3 hours in the morning Mon to Fri.

People are also missing the biggest point imo which is that the mother booked the clubs incase the OP cancelled and didn’t follow through on the childcare, so I’m wondering if there was a reason she felt that could be likely!

This is such a lovely thread.

Grandma is upset at over-scheduling, daughter clumsily makes it worse, thinks about it and explains further about the WFH part, and all agree to make it work.

Adults being adults and then moving on - love it!

OP - for extra bonus points, tell the parents to go out for an evening as “they need the break” and you’ll be on the rota for every holiday until they’re 14!

Welcome to London OP.

Have you even spent much time with the kids? A 4 and 6 year old will be really full on normally and having them for less hours is probably a blessing in disguise.
My mum tried to look after my 2 boys for 2 weeks and ended up getting sick as she wasn’t used to being so busy. My boys are never tired. They are up from 7am to 9pm. If they did a club from 9-12 they would not be too tired if anything they’ll be raring to go. I’m sure your daughter knows her kids more than you do and is trying to not give you too much to take on. Looking after kids full time for 2 weeks is exhausting! I couldn’t do it myself and I’m 39 years old. Most of the time they go to school and clubs and only have them all day at the weekends and even that I find tiring.

My parents worked and there was no childcare and I have extremely close relationships with my grandparents. I didn’t feel deprived, I felt that I was spending time with my family where I was loved. Not really all that strange.
I get a sense that in the UK grandparents are considered a separate entity in child’s life whereas in continental Europe there is a greater sense of family with multiple generations involved in upbringing of children. It was not uncommon for me and my cousins to spend a day/weekend with my great aunt or even with my great grandparents.

I think it’s more to do with the fact that grandparents often still work full-time now.
When you were little, it’s likely one or both were retired or that your grandmother only work part-time or had never worked.
It’s generational financial thing rather than a geographical thing.
I had a very similar familial experience to you. I grew up in the north of England. The biggest difference between then and now is that my grandparents were not working full time and had the time and energy needed to look after small children.

This.

Both of my grandparents worked full time. Granny was an economist and I have great memories of running around the national bank archives as a child. I guess security was lax back in the day. Grandad worked nights so it was easier to arrange childcare between two of them than my parents. I also had an entire extended family around so between them, they managed to entertain me for summer. Obviously, my great grandparents didn't work by that point which, I am sure, helped. My comment was more in relation to the fact that grandparents should be able to look after their grandkids for a few days even if they live far away. OP seems to be denied this opportunity which seems a little odd to me given the great experience I had spending time with family as a child.

And you are more than entitled to make that decision.
I had a different experience as a child and I will not be sending my children to stay with family members, or anyone actually, until they are much, much older.

Quite a nasty and unnecessary comment!!!!

Bizarre late addition to the thread. The point stands, it’s not nasty to say a 6 & 10 year old should be able to cope with more than a 3hr activity in the day without becoming grumpy and argumentative.