Daughters expectations for babysitting

[grandmacant]

Hi,
My only daughter and her husband have 2 children, 6 and 4. She asked me a few months ago if over the summer I could/would like to babysit while she and her husband work. I agreed. We live in Cumbria, she lives in London, but decided we would do the first and last week of the holidays. I believe the other 2 weeks will be a juggle (they are away on holiday for the middle two), but son-in-law works from home on Mondays and Fridays, my daughter works from home Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I believe they plan to drop the kids at club in the morning, a friend will pick them up and have them until early afternoon then the work from home parent will juggle work and kids for a couple of hours.
I was under the impression that my husband and I's two weeks would be calm and at our discretion as to what we do with the kids, I'd planned museums, picnics etc.
My daughter messaged me today saying the kids are booked in at a tennis club 9-12 each morning for both the weeks we are down, and we won't have to have them on the Wednesdays as their godparents will pick them up from tennis and take them to theirs to play with their older children.
Now I'm driving 6+ hours to spend afternoons with the grandkids, probably too tired to go out and do anything. I don't enjoy living to a schedule, thats why I retired early!! I told my daughter I wasn't much happy and she said, if the issue is the being up and ready to go early, she/her husband will drop them off before they start work but they would need help for the Wednesday morning. I told her the issue is I'm coming down to spend time with my grandkids and rather than spending time with them I'll be doing club runs and dealing with tired kids in the afternoon. She has replied saying if I am unhappy we can not bother coming down, but the kids want to do the clubs and it will be better for them. I'm not disagreeing the kids doing clubs is great, but why on the weeks I'll be looking after them? Why not consult me??

its all communication and expectations isn’t it.
all could have been resolved if you’d all (kids included) had talked before about what you all wanted out of this week.

disappointing but not unsalvageable.

There’s been a lack of communication and a mismatch of expectations. She’s using you for babysitting and tried to make it easier for you by reducing the hours. You wanted to do lovely things with your grandchildren. Is there any chance you could have them a different week when they’re not in clubs?

My GC love short tennis and they'd enjoy 3 hrs every morning doing it. We are all different and tennis was a favourite with mine and seems the same with GC. Don't know where it comes from, I can't manage to hit a ball to save my life.

As an aside, I'm sick of this entitled attitude from people supposedly wfh, who see it as a free childcare option. Deeply unprofessional

For goodness sake stop this post now . You’ve sorted it out with your daughter who has the most excellent reasons for her planning . She is not controlling or selfish like some other posters say she is just trying her best to manage everything in the best way possible . I totally get that her arrangements mean they if for some reason you can’t go then they can manage somehow . I don’t know why you posted here - it sounds like your daughter is a wonderful caring mum and daughter and there have been some horrid comments about her here from people who had no idea why she had planned what she did . Yes a bit more communication from both of you would have helped but here you are. Also it is too far for a 6 and 4 year old to stay away for two weeks - another year or so . I would advise that rather than be critical of your daughter you try and be more supportive and empathise more with her family situation . She sounds lovely .

Common sense at last from @Overthehillbutnotveryfar
I totally agree with every word.

Well OP it seems you have gone out if this appearing a bit more controlling than your daughter - it's common sense not rocket science that if the wfh they don't want visitors and children etc getting ready to go out etc when they are on Teams etc
I mean they are her children anyway so even before taking them to a big day out like Chessington best to ok it with her as she might not feel comfortable with such a responsibility/ might not cope.

It's a shame they don't drop them off at yours for the week. That would be nice and relaxed for you. I suspect she's worried about the kids being bored, and too full of energy for you. So she kind of thought she was doing you a favour?

Your daughter sounds very sensible.

I might ask MN to take this thread down in your shoes, op.

Well done for telling your daughter you understand. I think at ages 4 & 6 some of the ‘days out’ you planned aren’t necessarily worth it…..save it for when they’re older. There are better options in London that require less travelling - whereabouts ish will you be? Want to go to a zoo after tennis? Try Battersea park zoo - it’s small & lovely and geared to kids in your grandchildren’s age range. Your daughter will know what she’s doing - trust her parenting rather than putting your wants & needs first.

Thank you, they live around the Richmond/Kew area so any ideas for nice afternoons much appreciated, I don't know London well at all.

You mention that you are driving 6+ hours to spend afternoons with the GC - are you travelling backwards and forwards every day or are you stopping the week at their house?

This! And half days can be really fun!

This sounds like a lack of communication to me. On the OP’s part and her DD’s.

But if OP declines this time, she probably won’t be asked next time.

I think OP should tell her DD that she was initially a little disappointed because she wanted to do longer outings and excursions but that she’s still looking forward and coming down to help.

and seeing as DD / her DH will bring the children in the morning, OP will be free to sleep long, get up early to go to a museum etc. That sounds great! I’d understand it a little better if OP had to also bring the kids to tennis…

Just do these things another time and when booking the time make it clear that’s what you’ll be doing. On these particular weeks the kids wanted to go to tennis club, let them. You can still do lovely things and spend quality time together in the afternoon just more chilled out - pick them up and go for a picnic, take them out for lunch, watch movies, play board games etc.

This. I wouldn’t dream of taking a 4 & 6 year old to theme parks during the school holidays.

If you want things to do there, Kew Gardens are lovely. There is a gallery there with some stunning stuff, and iirc a treetop walk, as well as the greenhouses.

I missed your update….

but seriously, well done! You and your DD have handled that very maturely and gracefully.

I personally always enjoy the botanic gardens, but that might be more enjoyable as a morning activity for you sans kids. (although…. The teddy bears might actually enjoy this outing 😉)

what else do the kids like? Kids sometimes have surprising interests. A little boy in my family used to love birth watching and anything bird (wildlife, not pets) for example. My SO apparently was (okay, still is a little, but less bloody minded nowadays😂) into trains when he was little.

I think YABVU your daughter sounds organised and thoughtful trying to balance and accommodate everyone's needs and you seem like hard work tbh. Even after your daughter explained her rationale for tennis club and also described her kids ideas for your visit you are still banging on about a day trip! Who is it for you or them? Just go and spend time with the grandkids get to know them and their likes and dislikes why do you need to traipse around a busy theme park with them, it will be the bike rides, art and crafts, picnics they will remember. My mum used to take mine to a bus stop and they would get on the first bus that came along to see where it would bring them, so simple but my kids absolutely loved the excitement of it and still talk about it today (they are late teens now).

She's booked the clubs so you only have to have them half a day, you won't even have to get them ready. They wanted to do a tennis camp so have booked them in, it's the kids summer holiday remember. I have similar aged kids, 1 day doing a museum visit is fine, they wouldn't want to spend all day everyday doing that. Their tennis thing is 3 hours you literally have the rest of the day to do picnics and spend time with them. Ours are out at activities until 7 some nights having been in breakfast club since 7.30am, i highly doubt your grandkids will be too tired to do anything after a morning of tennis.

Bushey Park, the Wetlands Centre, Kingston theatre is doing some children’s performances of Julia Donaldson stories

Train to Clapham junction/Battersea park for the zoo and go ape

Pitch and putt crazy golf in Putney

Richmond park to build dens

a boat ride on the river

But they will probably also love showing you their favourite playground and parks, or doing things like baking and crafts at home especially if attractions are packed during the holidays

I think yanbu but also that maybe your dd thought she was doing you a favour. I’d ask to take a day off each week to do a full day activity. Or do the first week and see how it goes. They may be fine in the afternoons after a lunch rest and it may be plenty of time to do activities. With DS, I found 4 a tricky age for full day activities, too big for a pushchair but didn’t quite have the attention span/stamina for a full on day.

I hope you have a lovely time!
Ideas for things near kew - obviously Kew Gardens, also the wetlands centre in Barnes. Take the train to the southbank centre and wander along soaking up the atmosphere.

MN is hilarious, the the DD posted she would
probably be called entitled for expecting her DM to look after two children for two full weeks. The DD books them into a club so DM has an easier morning and gets moaned about for being controlling.

At the same time OP complains about being old and tired in her post, but then also moans that she also has to do half days rather than full days.

I think if you had wanted to take the kids from London to chessington or Lego land then you really should have been asking their mother anyway.

She’s picked a beautiful spot of london to live. The wildlife trust often have some lovely activities at their centres for an afternoon.

Sorry @grandmacant but having read all your posts, I feel you are being unreasonable and selfish.

This isn't really about you- it's about your helping your daughter and as their Mum, she calls the shots.

I fully understand how she doesn't want them running around the house when she or her H is working from home. So having planned a half day for them when you are there seems sensible.

The kids are 4 and 6 so a whole day out anywhere is going to be tiring for them and you. Half a day somewhere sounds enough to me! And if you are there for two whole weeks, that's ample time!

It's not your place to dictate how they spend the holidays when you are babysitting.

I don't understand where you have said that they will find it easier to go from a long school day 8-5, into nursery which will take up part of the morning- they are too old for nursery.

You're supposed to be fitting in with their plans- not you dictating what they do.

I feel a bit sorry for your daughter having to cope with your 'wants' when she's clearly got loads on her plate already with work and 2 young kids. On the other hand, she might want to consider sorting paid-for childcare for the holidays or at least bring them to stay with you for a week.