Daughters expectations for babysitting

[grandmacant]

Hi,
My only daughter and her husband have 2 children, 6 and 4. She asked me a few months ago if over the summer I could/would like to babysit while she and her husband work. I agreed. We live in Cumbria, she lives in London, but decided we would do the first and last week of the holidays. I believe the other 2 weeks will be a juggle (they are away on holiday for the middle two), but son-in-law works from home on Mondays and Fridays, my daughter works from home Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I believe they plan to drop the kids at club in the morning, a friend will pick them up and have them until early afternoon then the work from home parent will juggle work and kids for a couple of hours.
I was under the impression that my husband and I's two weeks would be calm and at our discretion as to what we do with the kids, I'd planned museums, picnics etc.
My daughter messaged me today saying the kids are booked in at a tennis club 9-12 each morning for both the weeks we are down, and we won't have to have them on the Wednesdays as their godparents will pick them up from tennis and take them to theirs to play with their older children.
Now I'm driving 6+ hours to spend afternoons with the grandkids, probably too tired to go out and do anything. I don't enjoy living to a schedule, thats why I retired early!! I told my daughter I wasn't much happy and she said, if the issue is the being up and ready to go early, she/her husband will drop them off before they start work but they would need help for the Wednesday morning. I told her the issue is I'm coming down to spend time with my grandkids and rather than spending time with them I'll be doing club runs and dealing with tired kids in the afternoon. She has replied saying if I am unhappy we can not bother coming down, but the kids want to do the clubs and it will be better for them. I'm not disagreeing the kids doing clubs is great, but why on the weeks I'll be looking after them? Why not consult me??

Surely time spent with grandparents would create more precious memories than time spent playing tennis!

💯 this.

I disagree with some posters & can't believe how you spoke to your DD.

I cannot see the issue - they'll be at tennis in the mornings, you can relax & have a leisurely morning & then be in granny mode for the afternoon.

You have forgotten what 6 & 4 yos are like! Full days out are exhausting for them (and you). No way could you have done all you planned for the time you are there. A one day trip is fine - then you'd be trying to entertain two small DCs for 4 more days.

I think you owe DD an apology. I think she sounds thoughtful & considerate & not wanting to take your time for granted.

Sorry, mid-read your post. You're entirely right... 🤭

I think you are being slightly unreasonable. A 6 and 4 year old are not going to be tired out by a morning tennis club at all. You’ve probably forgotten how high energy children that age are! Secondly, most grandparents get very drained by a full day of a 6 and 4 year old for five days in a row, so I think you may be over-estimating your energy levels as well.

You can do the big days out on the weekend you arrive or leave.

I think your DD has been very thoughtful by giving you essentially the morning off to relax and the Wednesday off as a break in the middle of the week. You will still have plenty of time with your grandchildren.

Too, the children will likely not want to spend all day of every day with you either. Being around grandparents can be a bit of best behaviour stressful for many young children. They will want to socialise with children their own age (hence the tennis club).

I agree with you. You're coming to see them, why book clubs. She might have been trying to help. Only you know your daughter!

the children will likely not want to spend all day of every day with you either. Being around grandparents can be a bit of best behaviour stressful for many young children. They will want to socialise with children their own age (hence the tennis club).

I agree with this too.

Might be worth a chat to say you thought you’d be taking them on full days out everyday - this would be really tiring though so your daughter probably recognises that. Use your time to do some nice local bits in the mornings and take yourself out on Wednesday; go into London for a wander round an art gallery or something

She’s lucky you are helping, you definitely should have been asked as you could have made plans given how far you are coming to provide free childcare. When my dc stays with GP during summer hols I always leave plans up to them, I would never interfere & start booking clubs/playdates/activities & expect them to go along with it & organise their plans around that.

You're both being unreasonable by not actually discussing the two weeks you and your husband will be there and expectations of how they would be organised.

When I worked full time with 2 small kids I planned everything like a military operation because otherwise it's was chaos and unmanageable.

You mentioned in your post how you were expecting your 2 weeks to be calm and at your discretion. I wonder when last you had a 6 and 4 year old all day and it was calm!

Go and enjoy time with the kids. Just being with them and doing things locally with their grandparents in the afternoons will be enough for them. They'll love spending time with you - no need for grand days out.

My similarly aged children would be absolutely fine to attend a club in the morning and still have plenty of energy to enjoy the afternoons! Sounds like a lovely couple of weeks - a relaxed morning for you and fun in the afternoons. Unless there are some health issues that mean the children tire very quickly, I’d definitely still be planning fun afternoon activities.

Yep, sorry OP but I think your daughter was trying to do a nice thing for you, so you probably owe her an apology if you were at all critical when you spoke to her. What she's arranged sounds oerfect and is what I imagine the vast-vast majority of grandparents would want. (But in hindsight, she could have asked you.)

Anyway, they could always miss tennis on any days you want to do a day trip somewhere; it's not like school, the club won't mind.

Places like Legoland and Chessington are not going to be a calm, or even fun, day out in the school holidays. They will be a nightmare.

A week of local, low-key afternoon activities sounds much more attractive to me.

I honestly think she was trying to help as a whole week of having children is exhausting. This was you have two hours of chill time to drink coffee and read the paper ( or three if you stay nearby) while they burn off energy. There are plenty of livel things to do after 12pm.

I think you will still be exhausted at the end of the week.
I live 6 hours away from my mum and am desperate for holiday help. She might come once but not twice . I would back track for the second week as it gives her time to sort.

Has she booked the morning clubs because of them working from home so there's a definite routine and they can get their work done?

Personally, if I lived in Cumbria I would have had her drop them off with you and you could have done all the amazing things you have on your doorstep for two weeks together on your terms.

I honestly think it would have been a wonderful holiday for them to play out in the fresh air, paddle in the lakes, climb the hills…. Or am I just remembering all my wonderful childhood holidays. Perhaps you can do that when they’re a bit older?

I am erring on your side OP, there will never be any point going out to Legoland or Chessington for half a day.

I wonder maybe as she doesn’t want them to stay with you in Cumbria that she doesn’t want you taking them out for whole day trips and would rather you do local things with them like parks, cafes, shops, picnics etc.

What a controlling madam!

It would have been best to consult you first; I wonder if she’s thinking all day every day will be too much and this will provide a bit more balance to include a break for you?

Its a lovely thing you’re doing by the way. Our families are both close by and would never help with childcare, let alone want to take them out for the whole day!

I think it’s helpful they have the club booked for a few hours each day personally

DS is going to PIL for the first week of the summer holidays (Monday to Saturday ), mil is retired but fil has booked the week off, to them it's not childcare, they've told DS it's his holiday with them, they have activities, day trips etc planned for each day, they are all very excited about it. We originally said we'd pick him up on the Friday but they are taking him to an event on the Saturday.

Can your daughter cancel one of the weeks so you can do the bigger day trips and then the other week you can do more local activities in the afternoons?

Can there be a compromise of first week tennis club and cancel the second week and do the longer day activities or is it too late?

I can see that she was trying to help, but I can also appreciate it does restrict what you can fit in.

Next time, you'll know to discuss expectations with one another first.

I think you’re possibly misjudging how enjoyable it would be to take a 6th and a 4yo to Chessington, Legoland etc during school holidays. Her plan really seems better in terms of not exhausting everyone. I also wonder whether there’s an element of thinking what you had planned might be a bit much for you. It’s a shame you didn’t both communicate expectations earlier.

Would a possible compromise be to do the clubs and then one or two trips for everybody at the weekend?

I think you could have lovely afternoons doing smaller scale things and this might actually be better in terms of everyone’s enjoyment. Park, cinema, doing some cooking at home, swimming, etc- all lovely things to do and far less stressful than bigger trips.

I am the daughter in this. Same circumstances and ages.

You sound totally unrealistic and unused to looking after your grandkids and your DD has tried to make the weeks easier for you.

Taking kids those ages on those day trips and more within the space of a week or two would be disastrous. Tennis club at those ages mainly consists of watching their peers miss the ball five times then they miss the ball five times, on repeat. They'll be raring to go after lunch.

My parents (and in laws) have done exactly the set up you describe and love it. My husband and I take our kids all over the world, we really test them but I wouldn't do those three day trips in the summer holidays in the space of two weeks - misery.

This way you get no stress, manageable time with them to build your relationship. Invest that time, on your DD's terms. She has not done this to annoy you or to take away from your time with the GC.

Stop and think for a moment about who your DD is and why she has done this. To help you? To protect you whilst you build the relationship so you're not tired and stressed? To make sure you're looking after 2 happy relaxed children that are not testing boundaries with you three hours into the day I.e. by 11am? Maybe because she knows that if routine loosens too much she'll be dealing with grumpy overtired children who won't go to sleep and she can't do that whilst being a good employee and not working in the evenings so she can hang out with you?

The way you mention the six hour drive is telling. You see the Wednesday as a lost chance. My parents would be out to the shops buying ingredients to cook a lovely meal for that evening for the whole family. They'd probably also cook a few extras to fill my fridge to make my life easier. I'm 42, my parents are in their 70s and I've lived in London since I turned 18, so no apron strings here, just them meeting a manic family on our terms as they can flex as retired and also, wanting to support me the best way they can. Their relationship with my kids is wonderful and they have sleepovers whenever they can when we're up there and we disappear!

It's also lovely to see the grandparents enter the kids real lives. Dropping and picking up at clubs, seeing them interact with their friends, hearing about their exploits first hand. There is more than one wa@y to build a brilliant bond and going with the flow now will reap benefits in the future.

I'm writing all this not to criticise but honestly, in your DDs position, I'd be so upset that an innocent action designed to do the best for the kids, my mother and their combined needs, caused my mother all the feelings you describe.

Im with you. You are doing them as huge favour here do she should have consulted you about what your plans were before booking anything.
i also think 4 - (and even 6) are a bit young for a tennis club every day. I an sure there was another thread on here where a 5 year old had been asked to leave one as they were felt to be too young and taking up too much staff time.

You've automatically assumed the worst of her and are judging as to.why the kids need to go.to so many holiday clubs. In general it's what working parents.do when they don't have enough leave to cover the holidays. It very much sounds like she is aware of the fact that she is asking you to put yourself out doing long journeys back and forth and then expecting you to look after twi young kids. To make your life easier she has gone and booked them into clubs and then offered to drop the kids too so you get a lie in. She also wasn't expecting you to take them for days out to places like legoworld at your own expense.

It's a shame you both didn't communicate better. I'd help this time but for next time let her know what works better for you, that having them all day is not an inconvenience and you prefer not to have your days planned for you.