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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really hurt by what ds12 said to me

259 replies

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:36

I don't know if I am just being unreasonably emotional here but DS came home today. He told me he got an award for science. I said well done, im so proud of you and did he get a certificate? He said yes it's in his bag.
I went to have a look and found a box of chocolates. I asked him where he got these and he said oh yeah I got that too but dont want to share with you. Fair enough.

His dad then walked in about ten minutes later and I showed him the certificate. He said similar to me. DS then said oh and I got an Amazon voucher too. I said why didn't you mention that before., That's great you can buy something for yourself. I didn't even finish off what I was saying and talked over me saying he never said anything because I would take it for myself. I said of course I wouldn't and kept saying I would and then gave it to his dad telling him he can have it. At this point I was just so hurt and upset that he would hide things from me because he feels id take it from him. I have NEVER taken anything from the dc. He has nothing to back this up. I try my best with them. I know I'm not a perfect mum but does he really think so low of me? am just so upset.

Aibu ?
yes - get a grip
No - that's a really hurtful thing to say

OP posts:
DaisyThistle · 19/07/2023 17:40

Wait until you feel calmer and then ask for a word. Say you were really shocked he thought you'd take his prize and wonder why he thought that. Ask for examples of you doing it before. Stick with the conversation until you get to the bottom of it.

Do you ever refuse to share treats? Did you ever take birthday or holiday money from grandparents and spend it for him? (My dad did this all the time and I hated it.

Gerrataere · 19/07/2023 17:42

That is hurtful and I’d tell him so. He’s old enough to understand words hurt, especially untruthful ones. I’d calmly say ‘I don’t speak to you like this, do you think it’s acceptable to say what you said to me today? How do you think you’ve made me feel? Why did you feel I would take your award from you when I’ve never done such a thing before?’. He may not give you an unfortunately but he may think twice before coming out with such sly comments again.

redskytwonight · 19/07/2023 17:44

If you don't take stuff from him, then I'd just shrug it off. He's at an age where he's imposing boundaries and his own space. Surprised he was happy to let you go in his bag really. However, if you do have a habit of making him share things/taking them away for "safe keeping", maybe you need to think about what that looks like to him?

Original poster
Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:44

Money - I have always collected it and put in bank accounts separate for each child. But as they grew older they have a choice to keep or put away.
For treats, they sometimes have received ones that they're not allowed to have so with those I give them a choice to buy something for themselves on the next shop.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 19/07/2023 17:44

Did I miss how old he is?

YaWeeFurryBastard · 19/07/2023 17:46

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:44

Money - I have always collected it and put in bank accounts separate for each child. But as they grew older they have a choice to keep or put away.
For treats, they sometimes have received ones that they're not allowed to have so with those I give them a choice to buy something for themselves on the next shop.

What sorts of treats are they not allowed? That’s probably why he thinks that if you sometimes remove treats they’re given.

CurlewKate · 19/07/2023 17:46

Sorry- yes, I did. I think you need to try and get to the bottom of it. He's too old to just ignore. What does his dad think?

Hankunamatata · 19/07/2023 17:46

What do you mean by treats they are not allowed.

redskytwonight · 19/07/2023 17:46

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:44

Money - I have always collected it and put in bank accounts separate for each child. But as they grew older they have a choice to keep or put away.
For treats, they sometimes have received ones that they're not allowed to have so with those I give them a choice to buy something for themselves on the next shop.

Ok, so I can see how to a 12 year old that translates to you taking things off him. He'll remember birthday etc money that he never saw again.

What are people giving him as treats that he's not allowed to have? Again, he'll see this as you taking things off him.

Curseofthenation · 19/07/2023 17:48

Ah, that is harsh. I agree that a chat would help. Children sometimes have a way of mis-remembering or dramatising things sometimes. Perhaps he's remembering all of the times you took gifts away. Maybe he just wanted you to focus on the achievment itself rather than the prize? It's hard to know.

Original poster
Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:48

The treats are basically those spray things. They're full of crap and I have let them have the odd one but honestly I have a neighbour who gets them for tbe kids quite regularly and I have hinted that they go very hyper on them.

OP posts:
babyproblems · 19/07/2023 17:48

I agree that it’s odd you take ‘treats they’re not allowed’… I can’t think what that might be??? I expect that’s why he feels you take things, and especially things he finds ‘grown up’ or cool. Interesting that he’s telling you about the chocolates but not about the Amazon voucher.. he’s clearly filtering what he thinks you’d allow and not allow. I can’t think of any treats you wouldn’t let a 12yo have? I’m assuming no one’s buying him a beer etc but can’t think what else you’d find intolerable??

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 19/07/2023 17:48

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:44

Money - I have always collected it and put in bank accounts separate for each child. But as they grew older they have a choice to keep or put away.
For treats, they sometimes have received ones that they're not allowed to have so with those I give them a choice to buy something for themselves on the next shop.

I can see why he didn't want to tell you...

Hummingbird89 · 19/07/2023 17:49

I would tell him off for this. It’s really rude. Agree with a PP, have a conversation and don’t let him off the hook until he gives you some examples.

Gerrataere · 19/07/2023 17:50

It makes more sense now. He still shouldn’t have spoken like that, but it evidently comes from a place of resentment that he doesn’t quite understand. Putting money away is sensible but it should always be a choice when the child has understanding of birthdays and other special occasions. Or at least ‘half for you, half for savings’ type compromise.

As others have asked, is there a specific reason for the ‘not that treat’ rule?

3luckystars · 19/07/2023 17:50

What spray things are you talking about?

Marshmar · 19/07/2023 17:51

What do you mean next choice? What treats?

Marshmar · 19/07/2023 17:51

Shop*?

SirenSays · 19/07/2023 17:51

Does his dad let him have the treats you usually take away?

Original poster
Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:52

Okay so I never really saw it that he receives money and never sees it again. He is old enough to understand that it's all in a bank account.

OP posts:
Hummingbird89 · 19/07/2023 17:52

3luckystars · 19/07/2023 17:50

What spray things are you talking about?

I think I know what she means. Candy “spray”- it’s literally liquid in a pump action spray bottle that kids spray directly into their mouth. Neon coloured, loaded with E numbers and sugar, total junk. I don’t let my kids have them either.

Noicant · 19/07/2023 17:52

Maybe it’s an opportunity for a chat about why you have done the things you have done in the past and maybe look at how it can work going forward. Also do you have a united front with your DH about what they are allowed to keep and what they are not? Does he see you as the enforcer?

senua · 19/07/2023 17:52

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:44

Money - I have always collected it and put in bank accounts separate for each child. But as they grew older they have a choice to keep or put away.
For treats, they sometimes have received ones that they're not allowed to have so with those I give them a choice to buy something for themselves on the next shop.

Is this just you or is DH on the same page? Why do you get punished but not DH?

ABugWife · 19/07/2023 17:53

I wouldn't buy them for my kids but if someone gave them one I wouldn't take it away.

Seems very odd that he thinks you would take it for yourself though I agree with PP who said have a chat about this when you are calmer.

Marshmar · 19/07/2023 17:53

I think its something like this.

To be really hurt by what ds12 said to me