To be really hurt by what ds12 said to me

[Moonere]

I don't know if I am just being unreasonably emotional here but DS came home today. He told me he got an award for science. I said well done, im so proud of you and did he get a certificate? He said yes it's in his bag.
I went to have a look and found a box of chocolates. I asked him where he got these and he said oh yeah I got that too but dont want to share with you. Fair enough.

His dad then walked in about ten minutes later and I showed him the certificate. He said similar to me. DS then said oh and I got an Amazon voucher too. I said why didn't you mention that before., That's great you can buy something for yourself. I didn't even finish off what I was saying and talked over me saying he never said anything because I would take it for myself. I said of course I wouldn't and kept saying I would and then gave it to his dad telling him he can have it. At this point I was just so hurt and upset that he would hide things from me because he feels id take it from him. I have NEVER taken anything from the dc. He has nothing to back this up. I try my best with them. I know I'm not a perfect mum but does he really think so low of me? am just so upset.

Aibu ?
yes - get a grip
No - that's a really hurtful thing to say

My kids have a bank account with visa debit card from year 7 (age 11)

If you have statements for his savings account then you should show him or order system yea so he can see that his money is waiting for him.

As for the spray thing, you need to be firmer with the neighbour or suggest an alternative that would be preferable. I think that if you'd said energy drink then you would have had more support with this point. The fact that the sprays are on the side is probably quite insensitive. Nobody wants to see what they want but can't have.

"You take stuff away that he wants. How will he know chocolate is ok to keep but sweets aren't"

Because he's 12 years old, not 4.

Kids sometimes say hurtful things. You can talk to him and work it out together.
I would be worried about why your DH didn't stand up for you at the time though. Didn't he think to question why he was being given the voucher just as you had been refused it?

What do you mean by this? He doesn't watch his vids ( afaik!)

There's no point keeping treats from a 12 year old because they just go and buy their own/eat their friends'.

You'd be better (in conjunction with asking your neighbour not to buy any more) to explain to DS why you don't like him to have them and suggest he rations them in an appropriate way (only after dinner, for example).

I think if you’re seen as “quarter master” and have taken money to put in a bank account (that I presume kids don’t hVe instant access to) I can understand his comments. Maybe take it on board for future presents.

12 years old is plenty old enough to know the difference between a parent removing sweets because they are bad for them versus taking them and eating it themselves.
12 years old is also old enough to know (and he clearly does) the difference between mum putting their money into an account for them - apparently with their agreement - and their mum stealing it and spending it on themselves.

The son implied the latter in both cases and so this isn't a simple case of mum being a meany, he's being deliberately unkind.

Perhaps you need to speak to your DH about more equal good cop/bad cop roles. If you're always the strict one and Dad is the easygoing one, of course they're going to have a more favourable image of him.

We do similar with money but they have access to it. They're allowed to buy things within reason - they can't just spend on sweets for example but most other things are fine. But my kids know the money is theirs and that they can spend it. Maybe you just need to have a chat to explain.

I think if my mum had taken sweets off me at age 12 I would have thought she was insane. He's not a toddler

The treats thing, I was just trying to do the best for the kids. Don't want them eating crap that I wouldn't even have for myself but I guess that's not how they will see it.

The thing is, he's 12, not 2. At some point you have to let go and let them make their own decisions. A few sweets won't harm him.

@Moonere

Totally agree with you on them horrible sweet things.

I stopped mine having them as they're neat shit and aren't good for their teeth at all let alone making them hyper.

He's at a funny age op so I wouldn't take it too personal but I would have a firm word with him later and tell him he was extremely rude and next time you won't be offering to buy him appropriate seeets in replacement for the shit ones.

I'd also remind him he's still a child and part of growing into an adult is learning to be bloody respectful and learn to think before he speaks

By taking the sweets away you are only making him want to eat them more. He is 12, not a toddler. If you had let him have them in the first place he provably would have discovered for himself they are not that good. I mean, he will be a teenager next year. You’ve basically taught him to lie to you.

But, I do agree they are shit for the teeth and all the e-numbers. Tell him to brush his teeth after.

There is nothing wrong with putting money in a savings account when children are young, and I don’t agree with giving them open access later either. My DTs accumulated a nice little nest egg which they dipped into at uni. Your DS could have a separate bank account he can access freely and now he is older he can decide how to apportion any gifts or earnings or pocket money. It’s good to encourage a saving habit.
I would be hurt by his actions, and tell him so.

The issue here is you do take things from him and he is now old enough to figure that out and has the confidence to tell you - which is a plus.

I'd let it lie and treat him a little less like a young child and bit more like the teenager that he very soon will be.

Children can say very hurtful things to parents, i know i did.

Those hideous ‘sweets’ look to me as if they are setting children up for a vaping habit.

""Why can't kids come parenting manual instead we need to figure things out for ourselves and messing things up inadvertently.""

I'm saying this kindly, but if you take something from ANYONE and don't clearly show them where it is and when they can access it and why its not currently accessible... .. they are going to view you as a 'Taker'

You don't need a manual to work that out

I would be extremely hurt by this, and would actually have gone bananas tbh so am impressed you didn't unless you actually do have form for taking his money for yourself or eating his sweets, which from your posts you don't. I agree with a PP that at 12 he must surely know he has a savings account where his birthday and Christmas money has been put. Such a bizarre thing for him to say, would definitely let him know how unfair and hurtful he was.

So when you said this “I have NEVER taken anything from the dc. He has nothing to back this up.”

That wasn’t true was it? A small child isn’t going to comprehend that mummy took their money and it’s in an invisible account…they are just going to remember handing you their money.

The same with treats they’re not allowed…they still had them taken off them. A consolation prize doesn’t change that.

Your chickens have come home to roost. Not that you did anything wrong per se, but you shouldn’t feel hurt as what he has said was honest.

So the sweet things are in the kitchen & visible?

Does that mean he could have one if he asked?

It's not as if they have been thrown away!

I'd also remind him he's still a child and part of growing into an adult is learning to be bloody respectful and learn to think before he speaks

He's honestly told OP that he hid the things because he thought they would be taken away from him. Which it turns out is not an unreasonable thing to think.

I would strongly suggest not telling him he has to be "respectful" as this will only mean he doesn't bother to actually talk to OP in the future about things that are bothering him.

Maybe he feels you’re a bit controlling. He’s 12 and probably going through puberty and you took it upon yourself to go into his bag to get his certificate instead of waiting for him to share it with you.
maybe you need to give him some space and let him be his own person who will bring the certificate to you rather then have his mum rummage through his personal space.

I think the problem is you are looking at this from your own point of view. As kids get older you need to make an effort to see things from theirs.

No one’s point of view is always reasonable.

I knew as soon as I read the Op that it would be a case of him expressing how he feels, wether a it’s a bit unreasonable or not. There’s a bit of truth in it.

But instead of being concerned that he feels that way and looking at how he has come to that conclusion, you have come here to get people to feel sorry for you because you feel your 12 year old was mean. You are the adult, taking this to heart and wanting to seek sympathy is also a bit unreasonable.

We are all unreasonable sometimes, including him and you. But be the gown up and talk it out with him.

If you go bananas at something like this then you’ll have a teenager that keeps secrets from you out of fear you’ll blow up every time.