To be really hurt by what ds12 said to me

[Moonere]

I don't know if I am just being unreasonably emotional here but DS came home today. He told me he got an award for science. I said well done, im so proud of you and did he get a certificate? He said yes it's in his bag.
I went to have a look and found a box of chocolates. I asked him where he got these and he said oh yeah I got that too but dont want to share with you. Fair enough.

His dad then walked in about ten minutes later and I showed him the certificate. He said similar to me. DS then said oh and I got an Amazon voucher too. I said why didn't you mention that before., That's great you can buy something for yourself. I didn't even finish off what I was saying and talked over me saying he never said anything because I would take it for myself. I said of course I wouldn't and kept saying I would and then gave it to his dad telling him he can have it. At this point I was just so hurt and upset that he would hide things from me because he feels id take it from him. I have NEVER taken anything from the dc. He has nothing to back this up. I try my best with them. I know I'm not a perfect mum but does he really think so low of me? am just so upset.

Aibu ?
yes - get a grip
No - that's a really hurtful thing to say

Also, tell your neighbour clearly to stop buying something you’re not happy with. I know it’s not always easy, but you need to stand up for what you want

I used to adore pens too and my 11 year olds also love pens and stationary. If you don’t have kids this age you won’t understand. you sound like you’re just doing your best as us mums do. I find that my daughters will spend all their gift money on junk food over a period of time. I try to encourage them to get nice things too. It’s only as they are getting older that they are realizing how powerful money can be and not to just be eaten away 🤣

My 10 year old wanted to spend his pocket money on one of those maths sets the other day. With a compass and protractor etc. He decided against it after I pointed out that we had all that at home but it just goes to show that some kids do like buying stationery!

OP,

You sound like a kind thoughtful parent. I would pay more attention to the vote than the armchair internet warriors who seem to try to find fault in whatever you say.

It is his choice to buy stationery (not ‘stationary’, as some posters seem to believe). Buying myself a luxury pen is still something I love to do.

I would second the idea of a ‘Go Henry’ card for whatever you believe he should have discretion over. Both my sons have these and they work very well. They have spending autonomy but parents can see where the money is going. Personally, I expect mine to discuss any major purchases with me and veto stuff which I don’t really feel they will actually enjoy over time. So, it is a half way house between me controlling their spending and full autonomy.

Gosh there are some horrible people on here OP, calling you selfish! Please ignore them!

You sound like a lovely caring parent, trying to do your best for your children. It's great that you are trying to see things from his point of view. For what it's worth I dont see the issue with not allowing those awful spray sweets. There was a thread on her recently when a parent had allowed her child half a prime drink and got flamed, so you can't win really.

Some bizarre answers on here!

when I was a kid I got minimal money. I always had everything I needed bought for me by my parents but I never received pocket money and rarely got birthday money. My grander would leave me 50p per week. It always got put away in a money box and then eventually I’d count it up and have, say, £40 to go and buy something nice for myself.

That instilled a habit (that I still have) of being careful with money, saving it up rather than frittering away my 50p a week and having no money left and nothing to show for it. Encouraging a child to spend every penny they get as soon as they receive it doesn’t teach them how to deal with finances in real life. Putting it in a money box or bank account if they don’t immediately have a desire to buy something is a great way to prepare them for the future and learn that having patience and looking after their money can buy them something much better in the long run.

Are you kidding? My 14yo son is bougi AF ! He loves to spend on stationery and (art supplies) and wants a £35 pencil case for Sept!

He can buy that himself with his own money or be happy with a £5 I'll pay for from WHSmith
😆

He sounds to have been deliberately hurting you (though he clearly objects to having his money banked and certain sweets banned ).

My DH would have picked him up on this at once. What did yours do?

You sound like a brilliant mum - you're taking good care of your son, his health and his savings. You've also shown yourself to be really reflective in your parenting. He just got confused and decided to blame you for perfectly reasonable decisions that presumably you made in agreement with his dad. Dads so often get an easier ride.

I'm glad he's apologised and that all is well.

People can be really unimaginative sometimes. Kids are all different, as every human is! Some kids will want toys and sweets as a treat, others will find stationery really fun and exciting, just like some adults love stationery and others love, idk, makeup or jewellery.

You silly, silly, hyperbolic person.

Shes right. The PP that is.

Does he have access to this bank account?

It doesn't sound like it. OP has vaguely said she might let him have access at some point in the future- possibly when he is 14.

@redskytwonight I understand why the child has said what he’s said and done what he’s done there is clearly a trust issue.

I'm sorry - that's so sad. 💙

@GardeningIdiot Thank you. If there's no trust, there's nothing.

I haven't read the full thread, just the OP, my initial thought is that his friends or classmates must have told him this or put it in his head somehow, maybe it happens to them?

Now off to read the rest and see if that's so.

It’s his money though. If he wants to spend it on in app purchases or sweets, he will pretty quickly learn where the money goes and how to manage it differently next time. Obviously, one has to do their best to prepare them for success by talking to them about money management and maybe helping to set budgets. Parenting is about teaching skills, not about restricting access and hoping they will learn these skills when they come of age.
Consequently, my mother used to give me her child benefit money as my monthly allowance since I was 12. It took me a couple of months to get the idea of “there is too much month at the end of my money”. I now have excellent money management skills as an adult thanks to having unrestricted access to MY money as a child

Honestly you take treats off him which are 'not allowed' Stop kidding yourself with the lie that you never take things off him when you have just said you do. He clearly doesn't understand why you allow him to have some things and not others. So stop being the hurt victim when you're know exactly what you are doing. Go talk to him about different treats and why they are different. (Not saying at all that you are wrong for taking the sweets off him, but just for not seeing the problem.)

That’s a ridiculous thing to say. Withholding and swapping treats that she doesn’t approve of. There are things that we all don’t approve of, energy drinks etc etc.

as for the money, what’s wrong with putting it away for a child too young to spend it?!

What do you suggest she does with it? It goes into his bank account?!

if you’re too young to spend money (at 12 she said she gives the choice to spend or save) but say you were 5 and received money. What do you suggest she does with it?

Skimmed your responses OP so sorry if I missed this bit I cant see that you have mentioned anywhere what Dad does by way of parenting on these issues?

Yes, there are lots of cards available, Rooster, Henry etc for ages 6/8+ upwards. The OP is controlling and not capable of seeing her son as a person in his own right.

@Lucyh999

You should let them spend their birthday money. It's not for being boring or sensible and saving for the future, it's for enjoying in the here and now with a toy or game or even v bucks.