To be really hurt by what ds12 said to me

[Moonere]

I don't know if I am just being unreasonably emotional here but DS came home today. He told me he got an award for science. I said well done, im so proud of you and did he get a certificate? He said yes it's in his bag.
I went to have a look and found a box of chocolates. I asked him where he got these and he said oh yeah I got that too but dont want to share with you. Fair enough.

His dad then walked in about ten minutes later and I showed him the certificate. He said similar to me. DS then said oh and I got an Amazon voucher too. I said why didn't you mention that before., That's great you can buy something for yourself. I didn't even finish off what I was saying and talked over me saying he never said anything because I would take it for myself. I said of course I wouldn't and kept saying I would and then gave it to his dad telling him he can have it. At this point I was just so hurt and upset that he would hide things from me because he feels id take it from him. I have NEVER taken anything from the dc. He has nothing to back this up. I try my best with them. I know I'm not a perfect mum but does he really think so low of me? am just so upset.

Aibu ?
yes - get a grip
No - that's a really hurtful thing to say

Do you let him buy his own sweets, does he get pocket money to do so and if so is it weekly.

And if OP has never actually explained where the money is ... why wouldn't he think she'd just taken it?

When I was 12 (the age of OP's son) I saved all my pocket money for 6 weeks to buy a pen to use at school. When my parents found out they asked why on earth I hadn't just asked them to buy a pen and they would never expect me to buy my own school stuff. I hadn't asked because often when I had asked for things previously, they'd said "no" and I'd also overheard my parents discussing money being short. So, to me it made sense that I shouldn't ask them and just sort it out myself.

It's very easy as a child to get things "wrong". From OP's DS's perspective, when he was younger, his mum took away money which he never saw again and she vaguely says now she might give him access to when he's 14. It doesn't sound like she's actually explained this to him. If it was money given to him in lieu of presents (i.e. not money that the giver said was specifically for future savings) he should have been able to spend it freely.

I can see it from his point of view. My mum was similar when it came to money and sweets. I always remember the feeling of receiving it and then knowing she was going to swoop in and put conditions on my gifts. Money/vouchers could only be spent on things she approved of and sweets had to be rationed. Ngl I did resent it and it did make me secretive with both. I used to sneakily buy sweets and eat them in secret. I could see myself not telling her about the voucher and chocolates like your son has done.

I would go bananas because in my case the vast majority of my salary goes on our children (way beyond necessities I don't mean just food and clothes) and if my son of a similar age implied that he didn't wish to share a box of chocolates with me or that I might steal his Amazon voucher and keep it for myself I would feel he was an ungrateful, ungenerous little brat - and would go wild.

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints ,

So, let’s reverse this. Imagine his mother hid her purse and money and, when asked by her son why, she said he would take it, despite no evidence to that effect. Is that OK?

Telling someone you don’t trust them is a big thing, regardless of whether it is a 12 year old or an adult saying it.

It is not good consistent boundaries that make teenagers rebel, but the opposite.

Having high behavioural expectations is not some theoretical concept in schools. It means you genuinely expect it and there are consequences if it is not met! Yes, lots of praise too, and discussions away from the heat of the moment, but you can’t avoid the consequences bit.

And, yes, I both have teen boys and have taught teens for a number of years, so I do have experience.

What does "hyper" look like?

Think a lot of posters are missing the fact he spends most of the money he receives now, he is given the option, OP doesn’t put it straight into the bank account.

MIL set up a bank account for DS and put birthday money etc straight into that, DS received it when he was 18. He was very grateful, didn’t mind he hadn’t been able to spend it beforehand. Very handy for a few driving lessons or living expenses for uni.

@redskytwonight he has access to current money, at 12 he is old enough to understand money he received when younger will be accessible in a couple of years older

To quote the OP
"The putting money away thing was only when they were too young. He now pretty much keeps the cash."

Think a lot of posters are missing the fact he spends most of the money he receives now, he is given the option, OP doesn’t put it straight into the bank account.

But is he free to spend it on whatever he likes? Or does he need approval?

Really?

Then you are being an arse.

You choose to spend your wages on extras for your kids. Why do parents expect kids to always be perfectly reasonable because they spend money on them?

He feels a certain way. He might be wrong, but losing your shit or going ‘wild’ with your kids because they feel a certain way isn’t good parenting. It’s pretty disgusting in itself. And it’s no way to maintain a good relationship with a teen. It’s likely to end on both of you going wild. Why can you go wild at a child for doing something you don’t like? But they can’t have a moan?

and using ‘I spend money on you’ as a valid reason is really awful too.

Going wild with kids rather than speaking to them and talking about their feelings, why they are being unreasonable and why isn’t productive.

I think I’d hide my chocolates too in this situation.

So you ban these treats but leave them in plain sight?

Basically when he was little all he remembers is you taking swag money and fun things. This as stuck with him as a now tween.

My son doesn’t trust dh with money because dh was a bit of a dick about it when he was little. It stuck, my son gives me his cash as he trusts me with it. In fact all his affiliates money goes via bank to his at over hundreds.

The problem is undoing this. I don’t see why at 12 he doesn’t have a bank he can access no silly go Henry paid fee stuff. A simple childrens NatWest is openable at 11 and it comes with a bank card and app so they can see their own balance.

You taking away those gift sweeties to him at 12 and then sitting them on the window is just mean for a start and he will just end up binging them behind your back. Like children who are not allowed chocolate or snacks or tv.

Your feelings may be hurt but it’s how you parented him that made him feel you are the taker of things he gets.

Only if it's been explained to him! Otherwise he may not even know there is a bank account and when he will have access to him. And OP has given no indidcation that she has told him this. She's been quite vague about when he might have access.

There are enough threads on MN about parents taking their small children's gifted money, for it not to be a given that of course they would have saved it for him, if this has not explicitly been said.

If your child is telling you they don’t trust you, they must be wrong?

How about have higher expectations of your own behaviour, take a look why they may feel that way and try and resolve it.

If your own child doesn’t trust you, there’s an issue and making it all the child’s problem isn’t going to work.

And it doesn’t work in reverse. Because one is a grown adult and one is a child. An adult should t be teaching how a child would.

If your own child distrusts you but trusts his dad, something has gone very wrong in your parenting.

The OP says he has a choice of spending the money or putting it in a bank account, he’s 12 he can ask about the bank account

Those spray things look vile and exactly the sort of things my dc would have loved when little.

If they were a gift, it’s not going to kill them to have them. They look like a bit of fun. Is his life going to be ruined for ever if he had a few? Banning them will just make him want them more.

@PowerBMI I agree. OPs language of treats is telling too. FGS treats as though he is 3. I don't even believe the neighbour has been buying these... and 3 so how often do people's neighbours buy them random sweets? Surely you would decline after the first time and say thanks.

There is good reason he said these things and if OP is hurt perhaps it could truth (it sounds like it).

I've seen more than one thread where a new mum feels that the grandparents shouldn't have opened a bank account for the baby. They feel uneasy not having statements or an overview of what is deposited and who is giving money.

It's unclear what the boy knows about this account. It's not unreasonable to have transferred money, especially if the amounts are large but he should have been seeing statements so that things were open and he knew that his money was safe.

Or maybe be the mother as per usual does most of the hand on parenting.

Just sit down when you are both a bit calmer and have a chat. Tell him how his words made you feel and explain to him about the bank account and why you take certain sweets etc from him and come to a compromise based on his age and how he conducts himself. If he can prove his behaviour doesn't spike because of the spray things then give him a longer leash, if it does make him behave inappropriately keep the rule in place but at least he'll know why you're doing it.

We all say things in the heat of the moment which we usually wouldn't say and often we best ourselves up over it but parenting is a learning curve. Sometimes we need a little direction from others but from our kids as well as they get older.

Of well, if he's expecting any treats/pocket money/days out over the Summer Break, he can fund them with his Amazon voucher.
Ungrateful little sod.

More or less what I think.

I believe in holding children to high standards, but they are children and OP is the adult.

I will never agree with refusing to chat to a child until they give a 'fulsome' apology, much as I don't agree with 'going wild' at a child regardless of how much of the family money the parents choose to bestow on the child.

In fairness I think the OP is doing well with their update and considering all sides.

A perfectly rational way to deal with it.