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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really hurt by what ds12 said to me

259 replies

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:36

I don't know if I am just being unreasonably emotional here but DS came home today. He told me he got an award for science. I said well done, im so proud of you and did he get a certificate? He said yes it's in his bag.
I went to have a look and found a box of chocolates. I asked him where he got these and he said oh yeah I got that too but dont want to share with you. Fair enough.

His dad then walked in about ten minutes later and I showed him the certificate. He said similar to me. DS then said oh and I got an Amazon voucher too. I said why didn't you mention that before., That's great you can buy something for yourself. I didn't even finish off what I was saying and talked over me saying he never said anything because I would take it for myself. I said of course I wouldn't and kept saying I would and then gave it to his dad telling him he can have it. At this point I was just so hurt and upset that he would hide things from me because he feels id take it from him. I have NEVER taken anything from the dc. He has nothing to back this up. I try my best with them. I know I'm not a perfect mum but does he really think so low of me? am just so upset.

Aibu ?
yes - get a grip
No - that's a really hurtful thing to say

OP posts:
senua · 19/07/2023 17:54

I have a neighbour who gets them for tbe kids quite regularly and I have hinted that they go very hyper on them.
Stop hinting. Tell your neighbour not to give them.

electriclight · 19/07/2023 17:55

Is this very out of character or does he have a history of unkindness, say with his friends?

Doggymummar · 19/07/2023 17:55

Can you show him, or let him have his bank book with his name on it so he knows it his his and can have it when he is 16 or 18 whenever kids are allowed a account with a bank card?

Lady1576 · 19/07/2023 17:55

This is horrible and I feel for you. I do think you‘ve just answered your own question. You have, in fact, taken money and treats he’s received, from him before. If my child receives a treat, he is allowed to have it, even if I wouldn‘t get it for him. I‘m not saying you are wrong, or that it‘s fair to therefore assume you would take the money and chocolate from him in this instance. However, gatekeeping the treats has translated to him as, mum will take nice things away. If I want to be sure I can have it, I must hide it from her. You can definitely explain your viewpoint and why to you, the two situations are not the same, and explain why you would never take his prizes from him. Once you‘ve had a think, you could even apologise and make a rule going forward that now he is older, as with the money, you will not interfere with gifts he receives (unless you still consider it important to avoid excessive treats to the extent of swapping them out, which you absolutely can). He‘s allowed to have his own feeling about that but might agree you were right when he looks back on that.

TotalllyTireddd · 19/07/2023 17:55

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:52

Okay so I never really saw it that he receives money and never sees it again. He is old enough to understand that it's all in a bank account.

So does he have a bank card and access to the money whenever he wants? If not, then to him you have basically taken his money and put it somewhere he can't have it.

redskytwonight · 19/07/2023 17:55

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:52

Okay so I never really saw it that he receives money and never sees it again. He is old enough to understand that it's all in a bank account.

And does he have access to take it out (i.e. is it his bank account that he has a card to get at, or does he have to go through you)?

I think it's odd to disallow treats for a 12 year old tbh. Unless you're also restricting his access to money (in which case, very obvious why he hid the Amazon voucher) so he can't go and buy them for himself.

NapoliTutti · 19/07/2023 17:56

So i did vota anbu however i do see how after explaining about the birthday bank account money he MAY in his 12 year old head may think that. I would shrug it off and leave it there.

BoohooWoohoo · 19/07/2023 17:56

Does your son have access to the bank statements for his account? Did he go to the bank and see you physically pay in his money?

Marshmar · 19/07/2023 17:56

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:52

Okay so I never really saw it that he receives money and never sees it again. He is old enough to understand that it's all in a bank account.

I don't agree with this. This is my personal reason for not liking the idea of giving money. So your child is given money to your child and you are banking it all why? It's your responsibility to save for your own child. People gift money sometimes for birthday/Christmas... unless it's n extravagant amount of money I wouldn't be banking my CHILDS money.

redskytwonight · 19/07/2023 17:57

You can definitely explain your viewpoint and why to you, the two situations are not the same, and explain why you would never take his prizes from him.

But if the prize had been one of the spray things that OP didn't like, presumably she would have taken it away from him?

Original poster
Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:57

Yes these exactly. They are so full of e numbers. You can visibly see the kids become more hyper.
I've got 3 sitting on the kitchen counter that we received a few days ago....

OP posts:
Nothingbuttheglory · 19/07/2023 18:00

I know a lot of 12 year old boys who worship Andrew Tate.

How did his dad react?

Lady1576 · 19/07/2023 18:00

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:57

Yes these exactly. They are so full of e numbers. You can visibly see the kids become more hyper.
I've got 3 sitting on the kitchen counter that we received a few days ago....

So this is fresh in his mind. He‘s still angry about that. Doesn‘t matter how sensible you are being, he finds it unfair and is using the only way he knows how to take back a bit of control.

Marshmar · 19/07/2023 18:01

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:57

Yes these exactly. They are so full of e numbers. You can visibly see the kids become more hyper.
I've got 3 sitting on the kitchen counter that we received a few days ago....

I'm sorry but I think you need to take a different approach which is not banning. Is this a high school child? When me and my friends were at high school we would buy all sorts of crap from the shop. I think you need to pick your battles wisely. You are causing a huge issue here that your child feels this way about you..

redskytwonight · 19/07/2023 18:01

Doggymummar · 19/07/2023 17:55

Can you show him, or let him have his bank book with his name on it so he knows it his his and can have it when he is 16 or 18 whenever kids are allowed a account with a bank card?

You can get a bank card at age 11 i.e. OP's DC is old enough already. I'm guessing he doesn't have one though.

Weregoingthroughchanges · 19/07/2023 18:03

Just ask him?

TotalllyTireddd · 19/07/2023 18:03

I am sad he's hurt your feelings, but I think he's just responding to how he's been treated.

You take stuff away that he wants. How will he know chocolate is ok to keep but sweets aren't - they aren't too dissimilar (my children would assume they are equal in the treat stakes!) And how does he know money and a voucher won't be treated the same by you. Again, they r pretty similar. Both are used to buy things. Sweets and money have been taken away, so safe to assume chocolate and a voucher will too.

I think it's you that needs to change OP, and you can start by having a chat with him and re-thinking how you handle money HE is given.

We all have to adjust our parenting as our kids grow. He's just let you know, in a 12 yr old way, that you need to start treating him differently and allowing him som freedom to make his ow choices

Hankunamatata · 19/07/2023 18:06

You don't allow them the sweets they will just buy them off friends in high school.

Mariposista · 19/07/2023 18:06

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:44

Money - I have always collected it and put in bank accounts separate for each child. But as they grew older they have a choice to keep or put away.
For treats, they sometimes have received ones that they're not allowed to have so with those I give them a choice to buy something for themselves on the next shop.

Here is your answer. You have made choices on things given to HIM far too many times.

Original poster
Moonere · 19/07/2023 18:07

Thanks everyone. It's given me another perspective and helped me understand why he might think that. He's out at the moment but I will talk to him tonight about it.

The putting money away thing was only when they were too young. He now pretty much keeps the cash. The dc accounts are child accounts and if I remember correctly when I opened it years ago the bank said when he's 14 he can get a card which I will happily let him have.

The treats thing, I was just trying to do the best for the kids. Don't want them eating crap that I wouldn't even have for myself but I guess that's not how they will see it.

OP posts:
TotalllyTireddd · 19/07/2023 18:08

Moonere · 19/07/2023 18:07

Thanks everyone. It's given me another perspective and helped me understand why he might think that. He's out at the moment but I will talk to him tonight about it.

The putting money away thing was only when they were too young. He now pretty much keeps the cash. The dc accounts are child accounts and if I remember correctly when I opened it years ago the bank said when he's 14 he can get a card which I will happily let him have.

The treats thing, I was just trying to do the best for the kids. Don't want them eating crap that I wouldn't even have for myself but I guess that's not how they will see it.

👍

howboutdah · 19/07/2023 18:09

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:44

Money - I have always collected it and put in bank accounts separate for each child. But as they grew older they have a choice to keep or put away.
For treats, they sometimes have received ones that they're not allowed to have so with those I give them a choice to buy something for themselves on the next shop.

I knew there would be truth to this, you have clearly been over controlling. You have taken away money and put it away rather than let him spend it on something he wants and taken treats away.

He won a voucher and treats, of course he thinks you would try and control if. I think you're very selfish to make this a sob story about yourself rather than take responsibility that this is a direct consequence of being controlling. You should gain insight and change now because this is the kind of behaviour where adult children want nothing to do with a parent.

thousandbirds · 19/07/2023 18:10

What did your dh say to him when he was given the voucher? Did he not ask what he meant?

pinksheetss · 19/07/2023 18:10

CurlewKate · 19/07/2023 17:44

Did I miss how old he is?

It's in the thread title

Original poster
Moonere · 19/07/2023 18:11

TotalllyTireddd · 19/07/2023 18:03

I am sad he's hurt your feelings, but I think he's just responding to how he's been treated.

You take stuff away that he wants. How will he know chocolate is ok to keep but sweets aren't - they aren't too dissimilar (my children would assume they are equal in the treat stakes!) And how does he know money and a voucher won't be treated the same by you. Again, they r pretty similar. Both are used to buy things. Sweets and money have been taken away, so safe to assume chocolate and a voucher will too.

I think it's you that needs to change OP, and you can start by having a chat with him and re-thinking how you handle money HE is given.

We all have to adjust our parenting as our kids grow. He's just let you know, in a 12 yr old way, that you need to start treating him differently and allowing him som freedom to make his ow choices

Why can't kids come parenting manual instead we need to figure things out for ourselves and messing things up inadvertently.

OP posts:
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