To be really hurt by what ds12 said to me

[Moonere]

I don't know if I am just being unreasonably emotional here but DS came home today. He told me he got an award for science. I said well done, im so proud of you and did he get a certificate? He said yes it's in his bag.
I went to have a look and found a box of chocolates. I asked him where he got these and he said oh yeah I got that too but dont want to share with you. Fair enough.

His dad then walked in about ten minutes later and I showed him the certificate. He said similar to me. DS then said oh and I got an Amazon voucher too. I said why didn't you mention that before., That's great you can buy something for yourself. I didn't even finish off what I was saying and talked over me saying he never said anything because I would take it for myself. I said of course I wouldn't and kept saying I would and then gave it to his dad telling him he can have it. At this point I was just so hurt and upset that he would hide things from me because he feels id take it from him. I have NEVER taken anything from the dc. He has nothing to back this up. I try my best with them. I know I'm not a perfect mum but does he really think so low of me? am just so upset.

Aibu ?
yes - get a grip
No - that's a really hurtful thing to say

Just prove the kid right. Right 😂

I can see where your son is coming from. Treats are restricted and money is saved so no wonder he didn't want to tell you. You need to loosen up a bit, it's sad for your son.

So now you’re just taunting him with something you’ve taken away? (OK I’m sure the intent is not to taunt him) Why have you left them on the counter?

I’m guessing they were within sight during the conversation where he told you that you take things from him?

@PowerBMI et el,

OP’s son doesn’t not trust his mother, he is trying it on.

Young teens do this a lot. They have learned all about the power words have to wound, but have not yet developed the emotional maturity to works this weapon responsibly. They tend to grow out of it within a year or two, especially if not pandered to (!).

So, he is not happy about something the OP has said or done and he knows that ‘lovely trustworthy Daddy, horrible untrustworthy Mummy’ will work a treat to punish his mum.

He needs to learn that hurtful rudeness is unacceptable and both parents will come down hard on it.

Fascinating in these threads to see the difference between the loud minority (castigating the OP) and the silent majority (the vote) going 3:1 in favour of the OP.

I was part of a large family. Anything which came my way had to be shared with my siblings. My mother throughout her long life wanted to spend my money for me. When I was first married ( straight out of uni back in the day), I loved furnishing our home but any spare money was expected to be handed over to my family. My mother always asked for very expensive gifts for Christmas and birthdays. She would tell me what to buy my siblings. She thought she was being kind to my siblings and, her favourite phrase, she was teaching me to think of others. I felt I was not allowed to have anything pretty or nice just for me. I stopped telling her if I had something new or I would be made to feel guilty. I was 'encouraged' to give an allowance to younger siblings going through university. I was a young teacher with very little spare cash. I know my new husband thought it strange that we had to gift money regularly to other family members. I don't think I really questioned it until I was in my forties and she was still dropping hints about giving her money to spend on the 'family' at Christmas etc. No one thought I was generous, she took the credit for gifts.
I think it was more common back then that matriarchal women felt that any money coming into the family should be theirs to dispense. I still feel guilty when I buy something no matter how small, just for me.
I remember David Lodge the novelist, writing that for his Irish wife, there was an expectation that she gave her Mum and Dad an allowance from her meagre salary every month. I think it is still common in many cultures.

My much younger child ( 7 ) told me this last week . Not similar circumstances but the tooth fairy came and she said I’m keeping it as you will get it for yourself . After probing a bit ( DH helped ) it came from the fact I won’t let her spend all the money she gets as presents as she wants , my parents are very generous and often give the kids over £150 in one go as presents so no way I’m giving it to her as she would buy Roblox cards or similar .
My oldest one also got upset with me a few years ago as I made him use the money his grandparents gave him ( he had in excess of £400 just that year ) to buy a t shirt he really wanted and a video game . He got upset as he saw it as me controlling his money instead of spending mine .
I have a feeling it will be similar circumstances to you . It’s very unfair and you or your husband need to have a proper word with him as at 12 he is old enough to understand that us showing them the value of money doesn’t mean we get more for ourselves, often and mothers it’s the opposite .

Not straight after maybe? I thought that was even worse. Official advice now is morning and night.

OP you're not being unreasonable at all, no wonder you're hurt. I guess the responses critisising you are the new kids-best-buddies ilk of parenting.

You need to be on the same page as your DP.

If either my partner or I heard the DC talk like this they would be pulled up. For example I would said it was totally fine not to share chocolates. If they are not be to shared with mum/dad too, I would rather not have any. My partner would do the same.

Totally agree!! He's 12, he still needs to be parented!!
If there was a post here where someone's child had become obese/rotten teeth etc from free range eating of sugary crap, OP would be berated for not watching their diet properly!!

And no way does a 12 year old get unfettered access to a bank account!!

Well that wasn't the point of the post regarding not trusting her. because the post I was replying was talking about him not trusting her. Not him pretending that he doesn't trust her.

I find it odd that you think he set up this whole situation to be mean to his mother just as a way to be mean, including guessing when he said there was a certificate in his bag she went and got it herself. That would, in itself suggest there's a problem with their relationship. Why go to all that effort to be mean? Because there's an issue.

Who said it had to be pandered to? There's a huge gap between pandering and the "I would go wild because I spend money on" posts.

At no point did I say it shouldn't be dealt with. Maybe you and your 'et al' should read the posts. My posts arent even aimed the Op, but are aimed at the people who would "go wild: or are expect better and more emotionally mature responses from a 12 year old, that they exhibit. And at no point did I say it should be ignored. I just disagree how some posters want to handle it.

I have experience raising teenagers. I have an adult child and a teen. And in my experience if a teen is telling you they have an issue, they have an issue. Even if they are making it something bigger than it is. And shoytinf, going wild, having a go is a great way to push them further away.

That's a bit dramatic. It's just an almost teen who was probably a bit moody and said something a little bit mean.

It's really not a big deal and there is nothing to suggest OP's parenting has gone very wrong.

I thought this too. My kids from very young would accept that they save some and spend some. When they got old enough they had access to one account but chose to continue the spend some save some and decided to mainly save as they know the value of saving especially now. Maybe your ds feels the choice isn’t his as much as you think he does or is just one of those who hates not being able to just spend as it’s received. I think he’s been very mean and hurtful but now you know, sadly. I’d be gutted and at 12 I think you can be frank.

OP I havnt read all the replies but it's got a bit roasty imo.
Don't know whether finances allow but how about you take hom out for a GENEROUS gesture eg breakfast out at the weekend, a trip to the local ice cream parlour, cinema amd pizza etc to celebrate his achievement?

You know just to show how GENEROUS you are. And make a big deal of sharing tje next box of chocs that somes in to you.

Sorry for my typos!!! Tired.

Omg this isn't how you parent. Her son doesn't need telling off - what for?? He obviously holds a strong belief here, for whatever reason. I don't see any evidence of him being naughty. He thinks something is going on - it's called communication and discussion FFS.

@PowerBMI ,

well I also have two teen boys, and raise you spending most of my year with hundreds of teens (I am a teacher).

As I said young teens (I find year 9 the worst, but around then) realise they are not small children and have the power to hurt adults, and they find that quite exciting and want to test it out. By the end of Year 9, they generally seem a lot more settled and able to see the trade off between power and responsibility.

It is just a phase but one which needs to be handled carefully. Schools do this by having a clear sanction policy and a management structure that children can appeal to, as well as liaising with parents.

In the home there also has to be clear (enforced) boundaries and both parents on the same page (within reason). Accusing a parent of being a thief crosses a lot of lines; it is designed to be hurtful and is totally rude and disrespectful.

If the OP’s son feels he is being unfairly treated with respect to ‘treats’ (I wouldn’t let my children have that stuff either) and not enough say over his money, there is a way to raise it without false accusations.

He needs to be parented, not pandered to…

There’s your answer, my mum did this to me and I hated it so much I still as an adult feel irritated by it, she now does it to my kids if somebody from her side of the family gifts them money for Xmas or bdays she will almost immediately screech give that to gran to go in your tin. It’s so controlling , the person gifted them that money instead of a gift so they could treat themself to a gift not so an adult could hoard it in a tin for savings they are rarely if ever allowed to touch. IMO it’s just selfish and controlling and it gets peoples backs up

I'd be more concerned about his lack of trust in me as a mother than being hurt by what he's said. He sounds like he's got some basis behind it tbh.

Mine had ‘unfettered’ access to her account on her 13th birthday, including debit card.

She’s really understood how to budget. How else would they learn?

You and others need to read OP carefully. OPs Son actually HID the chocolates... he didn't say a word to his mum. How can you bypass a crucial piece of the thread?

OP went to look in his bag....

OP of course you restrict what your child eats; do parents really just allow their children free reign to eat whatever they want, whenever they want?

It sounds to me like your son is angry, for some reason. Maybe just needs a bit of time spent the two of you. I find going out doing something - maybe just a walk, sometimes a drive, but making it clear you want to spend time with your DC just the two of you - is a good time to do some active listening. Maybe something is on his mind, hsa made him uncomfortable.

What you need is to give him the space to explain what he means, or tell you what's going on, not lecture him about it or make a big drama. After he's explained you can let him know that it was upsetting if you need to, but I find these kind of situations are generally about my child's feelings, rather than about me. And usually once they've opened up, and I've understood the reason, I don't need so much to get into the to and fro of who has upset whom.

https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/worries-about-14-year-old-rude-emotional

@Moonere
Are the sprays a favourite of his? It’s odd that your neighbour buys them for him, unless he loves them and talks about how you are strict and won’t let him have them. If they are buying them for him because even they think you are unreasonable then it is probably time to ease up. Are the sprays disgusting? Yes. Is your neighbour interfering? Also yes. Is this the hill you want to die on? Probably not. Save that for his teenage years.

And for god’s sake, don’t taunt him by displaying them on the counter. He’s obviously angry that they’ve been taken and he’s just going to get angry again every time he lays eyes on them. He’s a 12 year-old boy, he’s getting into puberty, he’s going to be angry about all sorts of things even without visual reminders.

I will also add one point about money as a gift to children. If I give a child money as a gift, I am doing it so that they can use it to buy their own present in lieu of or in addition to me picking one for them. I am not giving money so that their parents can take it off them and squirrel it away in an account somewhere. If I want to contribute to a college fund or something I will ask specifically about doing that.

Don’t be hurt OP, and for goodness sake don’t give in on the bloody sprays!

Perhaps the money thing needs a discussion though as clearly done crossed wires.

Tell your neighbour to stop. You are allowed your redlines!