To be really hurt by what ds12 said to me

[Moonere]

I don't know if I am just being unreasonably emotional here but DS came home today. He told me he got an award for science. I said well done, im so proud of you and did he get a certificate? He said yes it's in his bag.
I went to have a look and found a box of chocolates. I asked him where he got these and he said oh yeah I got that too but dont want to share with you. Fair enough.

His dad then walked in about ten minutes later and I showed him the certificate. He said similar to me. DS then said oh and I got an Amazon voucher too. I said why didn't you mention that before., That's great you can buy something for yourself. I didn't even finish off what I was saying and talked over me saying he never said anything because I would take it for myself. I said of course I wouldn't and kept saying I would and then gave it to his dad telling him he can have it. At this point I was just so hurt and upset that he would hide things from me because he feels id take it from him. I have NEVER taken anything from the dc. He has nothing to back this up. I try my best with them. I know I'm not a perfect mum but does he really think so low of me? am just so upset.

Aibu ?
yes - get a grip
No - that's a really hurtful thing to say

I'm not a fan of banking birthday money, personally, unless the child has actually decided that they want to do this. I get why some parents do it, but that money is supposed to be a gift rather than a contribution to savings.

I've never seen the spray sweets before, but in general, I don't think it's a great idea to make certain treats "banned" - surely that just makes them all the more desirable to the child?! I would let dc try them once but explain why I didn't think they were a good choice. And I would politely explain to the neighbour why I didn't want dc to have them.

I totally believe that some children would regard buying nice stationery as a treat. I know I always did (and still do!).

Anyway, well done for taking the feedback on board, OP. Lots on these boards don't!

Fwiw, I also felt that it was a little strange that you went into your ds's bag to look for the certificate. He's getting to the age now where it would be better to ask him to show it to you rather than just diving into his stuff as if it's your own.

Whilst as an adult now I understand the benefits of saving the money etc. When I got birthday money as a kid I couldn’t wait to get out to the shops and spend it on something I wanted! I would have been upset if my mum took it away (even with all the good intentions). Loved the excitement of having £100 in my purse knowing I could go shopping with it!

OP you can’t win with mumsnet if you’d been letting him have those weird spray sweets every time your neighbour thought it was a good idea you’d get roasted on mumsnet too!
Putting a bit of money a side when they’re little is pretty standard parenting.
Basically these reply’s are saying your in the wrong for not giving him what he wants 100% of the time, wtf!
I can understand why a 12 year old might be upset about not always getting his own way but so many grown adults being unable to see the destruction is frankly a worry.
Ignore the majority of these replies they are just another example of the internet jumping to the worst possible conclusion based on very little.
i’d much rather have you as a mum than 90% of the crazies who are replying to you.

There are times when children's perceptions are way off the truth. My DD was about 9, when shopping with my DM, she was buying a small plaque for me but she told my DM in a sad voice that I probably won't put it up as I never hang any thing up. Which was the complete opposite. I still have the wee plaque up and every time my 2 kids got certificates from school or sports they went straight on the fridge, pictures were hung and I still have her finger print poem picture from play group on the fridge. I also framed leaves they both painted on my mantelpiece. So what she thought was the truth was actually untrue. Your a good mum.

Putting a bit of money a side when they’re little is pretty standard parenting.

Absolutely. Saving for your own children (if you can afford it) is standard parenting.

Your children being given money in lieu of birthday/Christmas presents and it being put aside until they are adults, rather than used to buy them a present is not standard parenting. And, unless the giver has specified it was to go into savings, really not what was intended!

Most small children if given money and told to buy themselves something for a present, would think mum had stolen it if she "put it away for later" and they never saw it again. OP's DC may be able to understand now that the money is not gone, but he's probably still got those "where did my money go" feelings from when he was younger, and not understand why he wasn't allowed to buy himself the present he was promised.

Rummaging through your son's bag was completely out of order he's 12 not 6, complete invasion of privacy and yet another indication that OP is controlling and incapable of seeing her son as a person in is own right. Feel very sad for that young lad. She will be the type to barge in when he's having sex when he's 17 whatever and eavesdropping on his private conversations.. He will be desperate to move out and be free of her as soon as he's old enough.

I agree. He he actually stayed quiet until OP went in her own Sons bag. All those talking about saving money for when they are little are confusing that's a parents responsibility. A bit of birthday money isn't what I would be banking as its been gifted to my child.

this thread still running I see, and the aggressive posters continue to diverge from the vote.

Parents don’t have to parent identically to be decent parents. The fact that the OP was questioning her own judgment on here suggests that she is a caring thoughtful parent, as does the tone of her posts.

On the other hand, some of the baseless accusations thrown at her on here suggest some are far too keen on point scoring. Hard to believe they are completely different with their own children..

What a lovely and supportive comment. How kind you are! Do call again - this is exactly what Mumsnet is meant for!