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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really hurt by what ds12 said to me

259 replies

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:36

I don't know if I am just being unreasonably emotional here but DS came home today. He told me he got an award for science. I said well done, im so proud of you and did he get a certificate? He said yes it's in his bag.
I went to have a look and found a box of chocolates. I asked him where he got these and he said oh yeah I got that too but dont want to share with you. Fair enough.

His dad then walked in about ten minutes later and I showed him the certificate. He said similar to me. DS then said oh and I got an Amazon voucher too. I said why didn't you mention that before., That's great you can buy something for yourself. I didn't even finish off what I was saying and talked over me saying he never said anything because I would take it for myself. I said of course I wouldn't and kept saying I would and then gave it to his dad telling him he can have it. At this point I was just so hurt and upset that he would hide things from me because he feels id take it from him. I have NEVER taken anything from the dc. He has nothing to back this up. I try my best with them. I know I'm not a perfect mum but does he really think so low of me? am just so upset.

Aibu ?
yes - get a grip
No - that's a really hurtful thing to say

OP posts:

NorthStarRising · 19/07/2023 18:37

It is hard sometimes to reshape relationships as your children get older, but it needs to happen. 12 is very different to 10, has he just finished year 7?
That’s a really steep learning curve for him.
You may have to let go of some of the small stuff and move boundaries around, and it’s easier to do that whilst he’s still talking to you. Even if what he says hurts your feelings.
You took junk food off him and it’s been sitting on the counter for three days?
He may see that as taunting him, and you being controlling. Like obedience training for a dog.
Why isn’t it in the bin?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 19/07/2023 18:37

How did your husband react to what he was saying?

NorthStarRising · 19/07/2023 18:40

I think the answers are going to be very different, directly correlated to whether the poster has/had teenagers or are not there yet!

redskytwonight · 19/07/2023 18:41

Part of parenting a teen (as OP's DC almost is) rather than a small child is learning that your child might have different views to your own, but also that the parenting that worked perfectly well when they were younger, is no longer appropriate.

I think OP should consider it a major plus that her DS explained to her what he thought - yes he didn't do it in the kindest or best worded way, but he is 12 and still maturing. And great that OP has taken feedback on board and realised that perhaps she needs to change up things too. I think it speaks wonders about the good relationship they must have.

Coming down on DS like a tonne of bricks because he was deemed rude or disprespectful is only going to result in a child that is not rude or disrespectful in the future - because they no longer bother to talk to their parent about anything of note.

diddl · 19/07/2023 18:43

I think it's odd that he thinks that you would take the voucher for yourself!

Even if Op has taken stuff away it doesn't seem that she keeps it for herself!

Newbutoldfather · 19/07/2023 18:44

OP,

unless you failed to explain you were putting money away from him or he is VERY young for his age, you have done nothing wrong.

He is behaving crappily and scoring cheap points against you.

His father should explain how hurtful he has been (so he doesn’t think he can play you off against each other) and make him apologise to you.

After you have received a fulsome apology, you can have a nice chat, but not until.

Blossomtoes · 19/07/2023 18:44

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:52

Okay so I never really saw it that he receives money and never sees it again. He is old enough to understand that it's all in a bank account.

It still means he hasn’t had the freedom to spend it. That’s where this has come from.

CurlewKate · 19/07/2023 18:46

"That wasn’t true was it? A small child isn’t going to comprehend that mummy took their money and it’s in an invisible account…they are just going to remember handing you their money."

He's 12.

Newbutoldfather · 19/07/2023 18:47

@Blossomtoes ,

Obviously it depends how much money, but what sensible parent would allow a 12 year old full freedom with their money?

Ever heard of in-app purchases?!

Wisenotboring · 19/07/2023 18:50

I think you're getting quite harsh responses here. Most 12 year old should know hendifference between receiving a personal prize of chocolates and a voucher compared to a sweet spray and why these might be believed differently from you. I would also be really hurt. Let your emotions settle and have an honest chat explaining why he upset you and asking why he felt the need to behave the way he did.

Robinbuildsbears · 19/07/2023 18:52

So he isn't allowed to access his bank account until he's 14? That's super unreasonable of you

Tribblesarelovely · 19/07/2023 18:53

Did your DH back you up ?

senua · 19/07/2023 18:53

As an aside, don't let all this misunderstanding / thrashing-it-out spoil the joy and pride in winning a school prize.

itsmyp4rty · 19/07/2023 18:54

I don't think there's anything wrong with not letting them have those disgusting spray candy things - or with putting some of his money in the bank. I've done the same with my son.

I reckon he's just playing you and his dad off against each other a bit, playing favourites. Don't ever take anything a child says personally is a rule I live by. It's not fair on them or you!

Who knows what his logic is - maybe he knows you buy a lot on amazon and so thinks you might end up using his voucher. I bet he wasn't hiding it from you really though, he probably just forgot about it till his dad got in.

I would just forget about the whole thing and not overthink it. He was probably just being silly and showing off to his dad as well. I don't think you have anything to worry about really. If you're worried just ask him calmly why he thought you'd spend it - he'll probably come up with some silly reason or something very minor you did 5 years ago when you borrowed 50p from his money box!

U2HasTheEdge · 19/07/2023 18:56

He is 12. He knows you aren't going to keep the chocolates or a voucher for yourself.

I'm assuming that you don't take away every treat he gets, and it's the spray sweets you only really have an issue with? You put money in a bank account for him when he was young, and Im guessing he knows where that money is.

He was probably just in a mood and wanted to annoy you. Teens/ pre-teens do that at times.

You haven't done anything wrong. Putting money into a bank account when he was young, and not liking him having one kind of treat is absolutely fine.

He knows full well you wouldn't have taken his voucher and chocolates and kept them for yourself.

itsmyp4rty · 19/07/2023 18:56

Robinbuildsbears · 19/07/2023 18:52

So he isn't allowed to access his bank account until he's 14? That's super unreasonable of you

Why? DS isn't allowed to access his until he buys a house!

momonpurpose · 19/07/2023 18:58

12 is a crap age by my experience. I would definitely speak to him about those comments being hurtful

truthhurts23 · 19/07/2023 18:59

those candy sprays are disgusting , read the ingredients i would go as far to say they are dangerous

JudgeRudy · 19/07/2023 19:01

I doubt he thought you'd 'steal' from him but he might think you'd take over. I mean there's a lot of things you can buy on Amazon. Tbh at 14 I'd be letting him make more of his own choices, including bad ones. He's not smoking weed and he's doing well at school. You need to back off a bit. I'm not implying you're doing anything wrong but you seem as upset that he didn't 'share' this info as much as accusing you of stealing. It's quite normal for children to withhold things from parents. There's a middle ground between secret and private. I bet if you allowed him more privacy and autonomy and wasn't so involved (aka nosey) he'd share more. I mean his Dad just said well done and next thing he's getting the gift card out!

Lady1576 · 19/07/2023 19:03

I don‘t think you‘ve messed up. I think it‘s good he was honest (and a bit mean) with you. Now you can talk to him and explain your decisions and maybe with dh too, come to an agreement of what is reasonable and establish that the topic is up for discussion in the future, so if something is unfair it can be discussed rather than hiding stuff from you.

honeylulu · 19/07/2023 19:03

I think what he said was quite nasty as it sounds like he knew you wouldn't actually take his prizes (those particular items) but he used it as a way to have a dig at you because he's started to resent the amount of control you exercise over his stuff. I get that you don't want him having unhealthy stuff and wasting money (on possibly more unhealthy stuff) but honestly he's secondary school age and there is so much he can do out of your sight - you need to relax the leash a bit because he's telling you he feels stifled by you. My mum was like you - used to go through my school bag and other stuff and have a go about anything she didn't like. If I got (say) make up from a friend for a birthday present she'd confiscate it saying I was too young. If I got cash or vouchers for gifts or prizes she'd give me less pocket money because I "didn't need it". If I went shopping she'd ask me what I bought and moan at me if it wasn't "worthy" enough. I started keeping a lot of things secret as I was better off that way! Though if she found out I'd kept anything from her she would make a big thing of it saying I was "deceitful". I'm not saying you're anything like as bad but you sound like a watered down version! Have a think about how today panned out - your son won a prize, that's great and ought to have been the focus, but it's ended up being all about your hurt feelings ...

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 19/07/2023 19:04

After you have received a fulsome apology, you can have a nice chat, but not until

No wonder teens rebel.

toomuchlaundry · 19/07/2023 19:07

I assume the poster who mentioned Andrew Tate is looking at the different way he treats his mum (rudely) and trusts his dad ie male can treat females badly but males are good.

I assume a 12yo can understand that the bank account his money is in can be accessed when 14, he’s old enough to understand that

I would worry that next step from those drinks could be vapes.

Newbutoldfather · 19/07/2023 19:08

Discussing is fine after he has apologised profusely for calling his mother a thief, when she is clearly looking after her children’s best interests.

There is another thread on here about whether teenagers have too much power and this is a clear example of it.

He has behaved rudely and hurtfully and should know this and, at the very least, apologise.

(There may be issues around him having a bit more financial autonomy, but they should not be conflated with his rudeness when his mother was excited for him and congratulating him).

wendyjoy · 19/07/2023 19:09

Get him a Go Henry account.. my Grandsons all have one.. age 8 14 and 15.. it's their money and within reason should beable to spend how they like.. they know to save up for bigger things..but if they want to buy a game they are allowed to.. they gey money for birthdays and Christmas etc..if they were given gifts instead they wouldn't get them taken away.. so what's the difference spending their own money how they like? He's 12 .. he's old enough.. l think there is some underlying issues here you've not told us.

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