Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

I am afraid to say that I think your DD is lying about the timings. She only did a pregnancy test last week, but magically yesterday she had a twelve week scan?!

Right now I imagine the ex is really hurting. She or you can't rely on him to step up. Pres

If she's determined to keep the child she needs to take on that responsibility and all it entails.

Personally I think she should take the grad placement but see if she can defer a year, it's a great opportunity.

I've seen the scan pics, so she definitely isn't lying about the 12 weeks, maybe she is lying about when she did the test but I don't know why she would lie about that? As far as I know she has never lied to me before

This sounds horrendous OP!

Timings sound odd - how did she get a 12 week scan a week after taking a test last week and finding out she was pregnant? I'm NW based and my pregnant friend didn't get her 12 week scan until 14 weeks as it's rammed and that's the wait time once referred onto the maternity team.

If she's determined to keep the baby she needs to be totally prepared to go it alone - he's made it obvious he isn't going to be an involved dad and in his shoes I'd want a DNA test tbh.

Rural north west with that degree and a young child will be tough alone - but cheaper than london! Are you prepared to be the partner support she needs for the first few years, financially and physically?

I don't think you can expect him to suddenly be supportive, also remember that he has lost all trust in her and its really understandable he doesn't believe the baby is his. You need to prep her for going it alone.

To answer your aibu - YABU. He's not being unfair. Sounds like he doesn't want to be involved right now with his cheating ex. Can you blame him?

Yeh I agree with this.
A lot of men behave very badly but in this instance he has and I’d completely understand why he doesn’t think the baby is his.

Op

Give the boy a chance to calm down. He’s had a shock to the system, not only has he had his heart broken he has found out he is going to be a father

Have you seen the scan photo? Is abortion out of the question? She’s young and has her whole life ahead of her

That's a good point

Maybe it was a scan to see how far along - rather than a 12 weeks scan

She has lied to you, and she has lied to him. The timings make no sense.

She is lying because it suits her. That's why people lie.

It's a good point about the timings, I'm in the NW and like a PP said my 12 week scan was actually 13 weeks, she will have had to have had her booking in appointment etc first, its not like you do a test then go for an ultrasound!

I would say that you will always support her but she needs to be honest with you.

Has she definitely got the implant in? Surely that is dangerous? Needs to be out ASAP

I would definitely have a abortion in her circumstances. The relationship is over she cheated

Maybe she has been supported via the uni

In this situation, I would be gently trying to get her to see the bigger picture - she has an amazing future in front of her, with a great job, great prospects, the potential to really carve out a life for herself in London and make friends and be earning and enjoy a fantastic social life. A baby would take all of that away and completely change the course of her life. I know you’ve said she doesn’t want an abortion but she is likely very upset and not thinking clearly right now - pregnant, cheated and broken up with boyfriend. She’s probably in shock from all of that.

I defintely would not be expecting the boyfriend to set up right now. Perhaps in the future if she does have the baby and it is his, when the dust has settled, but certainly not right now. Poor guy has been cheated on and lost his girlfriend, he’s probably really hurting right now.

it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information

Otherwise known as lying. OP, I know this must be painful for you, but your daughter has behaved badly, has lied to you and her ex, and is continuing to do so.

This is tough but if there is a way for her to continue on the grad scheme or as another pp suggested potentially defer then she should. Her ex is likely to want a dna test, but may want to be more involved when the baby is here and he’s had chance to adjust. You sound like a great mum and I’m sure your DD will be to once she’s had chance to process everything.

Regarding her ex, he is very hurt - possibly more since they are young and this may be his first serious relationship. He is NBU to just cut her loose. He is also NBU to think that the baby isn't his - but he really does need to take a paternity test at birth. Perhaps he's just too hurt to realise this at the moment.

Poor lad is likely in shock. Compounded by the heartbreak over her infidelity.

Your poor DD has messed up, and is facing an uncertain future.

I sympathise with both of them.

I think time and non-contact might be all that can help.

Maybe suggest DD sends him a letter outlining the situation regarding due date. He'll probably find it difficult to believe he's the father. But a letter followed up a month later with a message to meet might give them both space to think rationally.

Sorry I agree with the above. I find it very unlikely she only found out last week and went to her 12 week scan yesterday.

When I found out I was pregnant with DS (he was unplanned) I had no idea how far along I was and couldn't get a scan for a few weeks. By the time I saw them I was 16 weeks. So not knowing how far along you are doesn't mean they will rush you through.

Obviously you know your DD but scan pics can be faked. She needs to be very honest because something isn't adding up here.
I can see why her ex is struggling.

Would she consider adoption? Is there anyone else in the family who would be able to look after the baby so she can develop her career if she wants to for the next few years. Or as pp said can she defer her job for a year. She should of course be able to have some leave but depending on when her job starts she might not be eligible for full maternity benefits.

They are both upset and shocked.

A baby and cheating is a lot to take in.

Leave the blame out of it and give them both time. Just let her know you are there to support not judge.

But she also lied to you about cheating on her ex-partner. I think you need to take everything she says with a huge pinch of salt.

I know she's your daughter, but she's behaved really poorly here. She's cheated, lied to multiple people and is now pregnant with two possible fathers.

Me too tbh. Wrong place wrong time

But if she doesn't want to, I wouldn't suggest it btw, then I too would look into deferring the job. I would worry about encouraging her to give it up completely and move home, as I would fear that she'd never get back on track again.

This doesn't add up, why would she lie about this and say she has only just done a pg test?
where was the scan done?
what dates are on the scan photo?

This does sound terrible for you all, I can understand the ex is hurting and perhaps if your dd has been lying to him about being unfaithful - then he is unsure if your dd is lying about the pg