Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

I’m sorry but just because he was cheated on doesn’t excuse his responsibilities! His response was “even if it was his he wants nothing to do with it” if this was my son I would be extremely disappointed by his approach tbh.

yes your daughter was wrong for cheating, she is clearly mortified and everyone makes mistakes! If she had a clock to turn back time I’m sure she would, nobody deserves this tbh.. so no I think it’s harsh to say she’s brought this upon herself, she made a mistake and naturally is having the consequences now, this does not excuse the boyfriend in this for the way he has reacted to potentially becoming a father.

yes the dates don’t add up, I would ask her was it certainly the 12wk scan or did she attend hospital etc where they have given her an emergency scan? Also I would double check when she actually found out she was pregnant..

as she doesn’t feel comfortable approaching the ex boyfriend about things I would message him to say would he olé a dna test to be done once baby arrives, I know one can be carried out during the pregnancy but I’m not sure if there would be risks regarding that tbh.. I would personally wait until baby is born.

your daughter wants to keep the baby, I would encourage this.. I was in your daughter’s position (I didn’t cheat) but I did get pregnant at 18, for the first four weeks the father didn’t want anything to do with me, I felt extremely alone and my mother wasn’t thrilled either!

support your daughter as much as you can, naturally she won’t want to do it alone and I would never leave any of my children to do something like this alone no matter what circumstances.

I would have a look at everything she will be entitled to, if this was my child I would want them to have the family support and be closer to home, however she can still work while pregnant, they may hold her position (if she doesn’t qualify for Mat leave) and then she could return and look for childcare options?

I think she needs to get her head around the position she is in now, she is obviously distraught and I would explain to her for the baby aswell her mental health is certainly a priority, you have all said you will support her as much as possible, it won’t hurt for her to take a couple of years out to have baby, get into a routine and then use her skills to get another job later on..

she made one mistake, her ex in my eyes is being incredibly heartless, yes he will be upset naturally she cheated on him but it doesn’t excuse his response at all.

I’m still confused as to why the question is whether the ex is being unfair. Hopefully a lucky escape for him

@CrazyHedgehogLover, you could have saved yourself a lot of typing if you’d bothered to read OP’s latest update.

She’s being very sensible @warpeacelove. This is the best thing for all concerned.

@warpeacelove do you think she went round to her ex to try and talk to him about the baby last night? Either way, it’s really good that she’s made a decision about her future and has supportive, kind parents.

No most likely not, his family live in the east midlands, we are north west, would take her 3 or so hours to driver there I think. I mean, she could have and arrived about 9.30/10, left again at midnight but seems unlikely, doesn't really matter though.

FFS! He’s just found out his GF of one and a half years had cheated twice on him and exposed him to STD’s, he’s just been told he’s a potential father, he doesn’t even know if the baby is his, off course he’s going to be upset, he sounds a lot more mature than the DD. She’s lied to her BF and own mother.
If your DS gf did this to him would you really just tell him she made a mistake?
If someone posted this in reverse and it was a boy doing it, there wouldn’t be an ounce of sympathy for the boy (rightly so!) The DD has been feckless and deceitful.

@Blossomtoes I still stand by my opinion even after just reading through the update thank you😊 her daughter originally wanted to keep the baby, her ex is naturally upset but still doesn’t excuse him instantly thinking “oh you going to abort it anyway?” No I would be disappointed if my son reacted this way.

she needs to be certain the abortion is something she feels is what she wants to do, not feel like people are pushing it on her, her friends have probably told her to have one, her ex instantly suggested one, it will naturally be an upsetting experience for OPS daughter..

I don’t really see why it’s any of your business what my opinion is or whether or not I’ve read the updates either tbh😂? You could have saved yourself time by not responding 🤷‍♀️

I am glad she has made a decision and she has your support.

But, tbf, you can’t be shocked people are wondering if she has made up the whole thing.

I get she is your dd so you have some bias towards her. But MNers don’t. She clearly knew she was pregnant hence the ‘I carried on drinking because I was going to get an abortion’.

She lied about the circumstances around her pregnancy and split. She asked you to message him as he had blocked her, but held back certain info.

Because MNers don’t also love your dd, it’s easy to imagine someone could go so far as to fake the whole thing. You love her, so you can’t imagine her doing something so awful.

It can’t be a surprise people, who don’t know think she could be capable.

For quite a while she wanted an abortion and changed her mind to keeping it after the scan.

She continued drinking and doing drums because she planned to get an abortion.

@RoyalGala i haven’t said he wouldn’t be upset? But his reaction to just expect her to abort the baby and “well I wouldn’t bother with it anyway” is disgusting tbh.

yes she has made a mistake, she is now pregnant and she needs the support.

if this was my son’s girlfriend obviously I would expect him to be upset (which I haven’t said otherwise) however if a pregnancy was to be involved I would be encouraging my son to do the right thing and request a dna test once baby is born.. I would offer to communicate on his behalf until he felt ready to do so himself.

everyone jumping on the girl in this situation isn’t going to help, OP came on here for advice, her daughter is clearly very upset and has probably learned a life lesson through all of this and potentially will help her to mature, some people on here have accused her daughter of faking a pregnancy ffs! Nobody has seemed to mention about the ex just instantly assuming she’d abort the baby either.

i can’t say her ex seemed to be much help when it was mentioned to him from what OP has said, he didn’t even listen to what she would like to do with her own body!

yes I would expect better from the ex in this position, OPs daughter is already dealing with the consequences of all of this! For people to say he should be “running for the hills” is extremely harsh tbh.

I read all your replies…. You poor thing… it must be hard to come to terms with who your daughter has become. You need to be clear now otherwise you will be cleaning up the shit of a cocaine addict for the rest of your life. If she is pregnant, I hope she has an abortion and wasn’t lying about it. She started Coke and won’t stop using it easily.

I'm glad to hear that she's come to that decision @warpeacelove. I hope you can all put this difficult chapter behind you and move on with your lives.

This. She has behaved very badly and I don't blame him for writing her off. The baby however, what's going to happen there. I hope she doesn't think she can use that to get him back.

I’m glad she has started to make some good decisions. It sounds as if you’ve all had a very traumatic few days. Help her make some practical arrangements and then encourage her to take some space to consider her path forward. Does she want more of this chaos (which doesn’t sound all that much different to many a young person finishing at uni)? Or is she ready to take on her new life in London with some new insights into taking better care of herself?

A good decision OP. Would she have access to counselling following the termination? That might help with some of her self destructive behaviours. She sounds like a bright but confused young woman.

Uni should have counselling service, worth suggesting she sees what is available and eligibility as a recent graduate.

It seems she made the right decision for everyone. I hope this experience will make her take a good look at herself and think about the person she wants to be. She has behaved appalling but she has to bear the consequences of her actions for the rest of her life. Hopefully she will be fine after this is over.

Have been vaguely following this thread. I think she will find she has come to the right decision OP. I know an abortion isn't the most pleasant thing to go through but it's less traumatic than childbirth.

Hopefully she can access counselling too.

She’s a young adult in the eye of a shit storm who said she was just going for a drive

and then doesn’t return until 3am

i would be worried irrespective of age and situation

let alone a 21 year old in this situation but each to their own

I'm in NW as well, friend found out about pregnancy at 12weeks 5days, has to wait for 12 week scan. She had a letter for scan in 4 weeks time making her 17 weeks so something off about when she took test

This morning she has told me wants an abortion and has asked me to come with her.

Get moving and get it done. I think you know its the best for everybody concerned including all her sex partners, the baby, and you.

You wouldn’t tell your own child to run for the hills? If this was your DS?
Or if you have/had a DD you wouldn’t also be saying the same if her BF did this to her?

Having read all the updates, no I don't think he's being unfair at all. Your daughter has a lot of growing up to do.

Not everyone can be perfect and emotionally mature all the time. Sometimes we slip. Doesn't make it right. But you should at least be able to empathise. Otherwise that doesn't make you particularly emotionally mature either, right?

Worried - yes, but OP texted her. She replied. All great.

Calling police? - absolutely not. I feel sorry for your loved ones if you immediately add more stress to their situation by doing that just because you are worried for them.

I'd only be calling the police if I was worried they were in danger. Nothing she did suggested this.