Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

Your dd has manipulated everyone here.

Imagine your her exes mum, what would you advise him.

I would be telling my boys to go nc, and leave her to it until a DNA test has been done. She can't manipulate him back into a relationship.

@warpeacelove is there no chance the new job can be done remotely/hybrid?

In your shoes I would be asking where she had the scan. Ie, what department of the hospital? If ours the EPAU then she's likely telling the truth about the test only being done very recently. If it was a private clinic then I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. If it was the standard ultrasound clinic and she has notes etc then id say she is not taking you the truth.

She also needs to made aware of alcohol fetal syndrome and the horrendous learning difficulties that can come along with it.

Perhaps controversially, I have messaged her ex saying I don't believe she is being totally honest with me, so if he can give me any more information that she will likely leave out I'd like to know.

She’s lying to you again, no one would get a 12 week scan that quickly in our current failing NHS.

There are several people who have said she needs an abortion. Fair enough they aren't telling her to her face, but that doesn't mean she won't/hasn't found the thread and is reading what people are saying.

Giving an opinion would be "in this situation, I'd have an abortion" etc. Not "she needs to abort".

Also, lots of people are advising abortion, which is entirely up to OP’s DD, of course. but as the DD doesn’t seem to want that, I want to say that I went through something similar at the start of my career. Pregnancy had an impact and definitely slowed promotions. But sixteen years later, it wasn’t career ending and I’m still on the same career trajectory. It’s just taken me longer to get there than some of my child free peers. (And I needed really reliable child care!)

Honestly, it’s the impact on her social life of being the first of her peers to have kids that I would worry more about.

Good luck, you sound like a really lovely mum.

What about the implant?

@warpeacelove I'm of the same view as you, she should give up the job, raising the baby alone in London whilst trying to forge a new career will be horrendous. She should stay with you guys for a couple of years, then she can reassess the situation then. The other option could be that perhaps you would be able to look after the child while she does the London job? I'm not saying you raise the baby completely, but maybe for a year or two? Just something for you all to consider.

The good thing is that she's really young, so there is time to start her career in a few years. So if I were her, I'd take the time out to stay with you, enjoy the new baby stage and toddler years, then get into a career once her child starts school.

Of course she's not telling you the truth. And she's not telling him the truth.

And I will say it again - she cheated on him without using protection!

All very difficult, but he’s still going to have to pay to support his chid, he won’t just be able to bow out of that responsibility. I don’t judge her for any of the rest of it, she’s young and we all make mistakes, even MNetters who pretend they’re perfect 😉

Tbh I would be gently suggesting she consider all her options here. The relationship has clearly run its course and likely would have ended even without the cheating, given the opportunities coming her way. I’d point that out to her. You may find that once the shock wears off she will be able to make sensible decisions, though granted time is limited given how far along she is.

Unless it was a dating scan - I was sent for a dating scan within a week, when I didn’t know how far along I was with DC2. They sent a letter, but rang me two days after I called my GP, as the letter wouldn’t have arrived on time.

Honestly, it’s the impact on her social life of being the first of her peers to have kids that I would worry more about

Yup, I don't know what she thinks having an actual baby will be like - I assume she thinks you will do all the heavy lifting?

Thanks everyone, definitely a lot to ask her (where she could the scan done, when she actually found out, implant etc.) I was in such shock and sadness (also haven't been pregnant in 21 years!!) that alot of the practical stuff slipped my mind.

I wouldn’t have done this tbh. He’s angry and bitter and will probably love that her mum isn’t thinking well of her.

If she's known she's pregnant for a while (which seems likely due to the 12 week scan scenario) but has carried on drinking heavily, then she's either in denial about the baby or actually unclear about what she wants to do about it. She clearly hasn't been honest with her mum or boyfriend about any of this. If she really did have a one night stand at eight weeks pregnant - and most women definitely do know they are pregnant by then - then there are clearly all sorts of things going on, not least that she can't have been expecting her boyfriend to step up and be the baby's daddy. Shagging someone else suggests that she was actually pretty angry/disappointed with him anyway.

She hasn't got a lot of time now to decide what to do, but she does need to be properly honest with her mum if she wants her help, and she isn't doing it right now. As the mum, you need to give her a bit of a stern talking-to and find out what really is going on with the paternity and how she thinks all this is going to work out in the future. You don't want her throwing her career away but equally you don't want to be the one ending up holding the baby either.

If he’d come back and told her after cheating that he’d got the girl pregnant or she was pregnant…

would your dd be supportive of him? Want to be involved?

he’s probably hurting massively too and for sure there’s no way she would of got a scan in a week. You took her to the gp then in the last 7 days?

I think the boyfriend won't want to know and tiur daughter will be angry. Stay neutral.

This is really unfair on him.

You need to leave him alone to come to terms with what happened.

It's cruel to ask him to do the emotional labour for you because your daughter is a liar when he's the one who's suffering most due to her lies at the moment.

Leave him alone.

That'll make her feel supported 🥴

What does it matter whether he's being unfair or not? What does it matter whether she's been less than truthful about dates etc? She's pregnant now. Young men and women tend to have active sex lives and make a variety of variable quality decisions around that time of life, but it's women that bear the brunt of unintended consequences. On that basis, I'd just support my daughter with practical decision making going forward. Step by step.

Step 1 is surely whether she intends to continue with the pregnancy or not. Help her weigh up the pros and cons of continuing and the pros and cons of not. There are no perfect answers, just the ones that you can live with. E.g. I can live with ending the pregnancy and the potential for some regret because XYZ versus I can live with continuing the pregnancy and the tough stuff that comes with that because XYZ.

Once she's made that decision -where does she want to live (and work) while having a baby/young child? Where would she be best supported, have best career prospects, what matters most...

Once she has a plan going forward and feels secure and supported with that, she can inform the father of her plans. And in due course seek maintenance through the usual channels. I appreciate that perhaps the father isn't who she says at the moment...she's more likely to be honest about this when she has made some firm plans for herself. And if she doesn't know who, there are routes for dealing with that.

Oh you really shouldn’t have text the ex saying you don’t believe her, that could really backfire on you (and your daughter) not something you should have shared.