Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

@warpeacelove this all sucks but don't judge her too harshly, we were all 21 and frankly all fucking idiots.

I know people are saying not to encourage an abortion but realistically it's the best option and in 15yrs she will look back and shudder at the mess she could have continued living, when in all likelihood she will be a sensible and boring 36yr old with a stable career, married with a couple of kids.

I was in a situation not unlike your daughters in 2006 and I'm the latter dull 38yr old now!

Good luck to you and her. This isn't worth her blowing up all her prospects over.

You need to speak to her properly she's drinking and taking illegal drugs in the most crucial time for a fetus to develop, you need to think about the damage she's already doing to this child if she's planning on keeping it.

I wouldn't have any more communication with him. Yes, she's probably lying her socks off because she's panicking/got her head stuck in the sand.

I'd deal with the physical stuff first. See if she wants you to go to the doctor with her. Ask about the drinking. Ask her if she'd taken anything else (without judgment, and don't just assume the ex is telling you the truth, he's not exactly an unbiased character reference). Maybe a sexual health test too if she hasn't already had one.

I certainly wouldn’t be offering financial support at this point. Let her figure out the realities of the situation by herself. Offer down the line if you want to, but this baby is not your responsibility.
it would be different if she was using protection, realised she was pregnant and then took the right steps and you wanted to help her. These things happen.
but instead she’s continued to cheat on her boyfriend, have unprotected sex and put herself and the baby at risk, drink alcohol, take drugs and spend money that could be going towards her baby, or her rent, on holidays, cocaine (allegedly) and bottomless brunches. I don’t think she deserves to be given your money when she can’t make sensible choices with her own.

She wants to keep the baby but she is getting wasted on alcohol and drugs?! Is she sure? Because this poor baby is already not being allowed to get in the way of her lifestyle and the poor little thing hasn't been born yet.

Also just read your update. Drugs? Cocaine?
I know it's the woman's choice but you should really be encouraging termination. The baby is likely to be born with a lot of health issues.
This isn't a situation to quitely just be supportive of course if she is sure she wants to keep it you cannot force her but you can certainly encourage a specific choice.

They're not telling her at all.

As I said, they're giving their opinions to the OP.

If she stumbles across this thread, I'm not sure it's the opinions of internet randoms that's going to be what bothers her the most.

Obviously you know your DD but scan pics can be faked.

I think to save face, she's lied to you about when and/or how many times she has cheated on exBF, and they both have good reason to suspect it's not his.

Its a mess. Frankly her best way out of it is abortion.

Your daughter wants help with the baby when it's born. She will lie to you if she thinks that by telling you she slept around on holiday or at any other time is going to make you think less of her and jeopardise your relationship and support.

The good thing is that she is keeping her baby and all you can do is not get mixed up in her relationships with others but help her with emotional support and practical care and advice when the baby arrives .

Honestly, given all the substances and alcohol and possible implant drugs in her system, there’s so much damage that the baby could have been subjected to already, is she prepared for a seriously disabled child? It can happen to anyone even if they don’t have this party lifestyle. That would be the reason I would want her to have counselling over a possible abortion. She’s not thought this through at all. No job, single mum, is she expecting help? I wouldn’t be offering that either. I’m sorry op, your daughter sounds awful from all of this, I would be telling her in no uncertain terms how disappointed and disgusted I was with her behaviour and morals. She needs to be judged, and handed a wake up call.

Blimey OP. Never mind your daughter, how are you doing? This is a lot to take in.

IMO there is no way she is emotionally mature enough to have a child.

Oh wow OP. I hope she's truthful with you now you can tell her you know otherwise

I don't think her ex-bf is being unfair at all. She cheated, he doesn't think it is - even if it is his, she has lied to him.

I'd be trying to subtly convince her that a termination is an option. She's so young, in a broken relationship and about to give up on a prosperous career.

I personally wouldn't want that for her and i hope she has a termination, finishes her degree, gets a great job in London, goes out with friends, meets someone she falls in love with and doesn't cheat on (because she's lived a life and is older and wiser) and has a baby when she and her partner are ready and happy. Idealistic, i know but in this case not unrealistic at all.

I should think that she will tell OP the minimal truth she can get away with, and embroider other stuff. That's what she's been doing so far.

A good thing that she's keeping it? Really?

I don’t blame him for having nothing to do with her.

Baby probably isn’t even his if she’s been cheating and taking drugs for months.

OP, I think it's clear to you and most of us that it would be much better all round if she had a termination. I think you should talk to her very seriously about the possible damage done to the developing foetus by the alcohol and drugs - and whether she could cope with a child with serious developmental issues as a result of that damage. I don't think she could, and I think perhaps she might be looking for a way out of this that allows her to feel less guilt. Even if it isn't completely true, she might find it easier to tell herself that she was forced to terminate because she had drunk and taken drugs before she didn't know she was pregnant, rather than it being yet one more 'bad thing', alongside the cheating and the out-of-control drink and drugs, and the throwing away the relationship, to loathe herself for.

I think she might then be able to settle down to her graduate placement and focus on starting her career, avoiding relationships and 'partying' and allowing herself to psychologically recover from what seems to be a bit of a spiral of self-destruction.

What do you think?

I would strongly encourage her to book some urgent pregnancy counselling via Marie Stopes or the GP. She needs to be honest with herself and reflect very clearly on her actions so far.

The future of any potential child could be impacted by her binge drinking and use of class A drugs ( if true).

Until yesterday she was planning a new life in London which may or may not be a great opportunity for her. Living with you as a single parent and getting a local job is a totally different life.

She has a short window of choice ( for a relatively straightforward termination) and whatever she chooses it will be tough. Lying in bed crying is ok for today but you can best support her by giving her some tough love. Honesty and adult ownership of her situation.

She's going to have to do a DNA test with
The ex boyfriend. If it's his then he has responsibilities but I understand why he's keeping his distance for now. She's clearly not very trustworthy.

It is never unreasonable to try to help and support your child .

I think she wants to keep it in the hope it being her ex back

If she was pregnant , drinking and doing cocaine and now lying about when she found out to cover up this, then she doesn’t have the child’s best interests at heart.

She doesn’t want a termination in the hope it’s his and he will always have a connection to her. She is hoping he comes round

Regardless of what’s happened or is happening now she’s your daughter and needs her family’s support. I’m sure more will come out in the future but for the time being she needs to see her GP, with you accompanying her, to discuss her pregnancy, drinking and drug taking so that she fully understands the consequences that this could lead too. If she doesn’t agree to go with you I would call her bluff and say that you won’t support her until she does.

She's up shit creek and terrified. And has behaved royally stupidly. She doesn't want you knowing the full story because she knows how wrong she has acted.

Tell her she's your daughter and you love her, how the baby came to be is in the past. If she wants to buck her ideas up, mature and become a mum you'll help her. If she doesn't want to do that you'll be there holding her hand at the clinic.

But you won't tolerate this self destructive path. She needs to be honest with you and the maternity staff about drug and alcohol use. It also needs to categorically stop. No more nights out, bottomless brunches, no more partying holidays abroad. They can cause significant harm to an unborn child, particularly in early days after placenta formed (approx 8 weeks onwards). You also don't want a baby born an addict or with foetal alcohol syndrome.

She also needs to be honest with all potential parents, step up and get a DNA test. You can get non-invasive ones prenatally now to solve sooner rather than later. Her keeping secrets around this is not helping anyone, especially the baby.