Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

This is going to blow up in your face big time, when she finds out. As she will.

Maybe she paid for the scan? Or had some bleeding and was fast tracked?

What difference does it make?

Deal with the problem now. You'll never know all the details.

@warpeacelove as said, the timings don't match up. I know people that contact a midwife at 5 weeks still struggling to get their scan in before 13 weeks. She would have needed to have a booking appointment etc. Plus, she would need to know she was pregnant to know to go for the 12 week scan.

The pessimist in me is saying your DD is lying more than you know. You say she goes drinking and makes bad choices. It's possible this isn't the first time she has cheated when drunk and/or away. I think it's possible she's cheated before, found out she's pregnant, stuck her head in the sand that she isn't sure on the dad and partied on being extra self destructive and this time boyfriend has found out and dumped her. Then she's gone along to scan, seen the baby and is now its real and she realises what she's done.

She has behaved abysmally towards her boyfriend. If your daughter came to you and said boyfriend had cheated you'd be telling her he isn't worth it. She has shown herself to lie to him and cheat. Why should he believe her? Ultimately your DDs ex is her ex and he no longer owes her his support. This is the consequence of her own actions. The only person he owes is the baby, and that only comes after he knows the baby is his.

Your daughter has burnt her bridges with her actions. She needs to understand that. That means support from him, relationship, friendship, everything with her ex is gone. Hopefully he will step up for baby if it's his. But for her, she needs to get her support elsewhere.

It's nearly impossible to get pregnant with the implant. It's the most reliable form on contraception. If it's in date (up to 3 years old) then she would be very unlucky.

Foetal alcohol syndrome (google FASD) can be a horrendous condition to live with or parent, if she’s been drinking throughout the first 12 weeks this is a worry. I’d strongly recommend some research into this so if she proceeds with the pregnancy she is full understanding of the potential effects on the baby. She will need to be completely honest about her drinking and how much- it is not something that will be picked up on a scan.

Also, if she really has the implant aren’t there risks of complications arising from this?

Absolutely this.

She sounds as if she has in no way faced up to the reality of her situation, even her own mum can't get to the bottom of this. I feel very sorry for her, she must be all over the place but she needs to face up to real, cold, hard facts before deciding to have a baby and just hope that things will turn out okay and that her parents will just pick up the slack.

Is there someone else who can give a her a proper, unemotional debrief and wake her up to what is really involved here? Seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it, and that cannot happen.

For what it's worth I think she should terminate asap, neither potential father sounds like someone she wants to be linked with for the foreseeable future.

Oh yikes, OP. Just seen your update. Step away from all of that. Is it possible to unsent the message?

Probably not the smartest, but if DD is lying I need all the info so I can actually support her. Even the information that doesn't make her look good.

Unsend*

If she was my dd (and I have similar aged dds) I would be advising to terminate. They have their whole life ahead of them, she can put both the ex, the pregnancy and the fling behind her. If she continues she is shackled to a man she cheated on. It's not the placement, that could be deferred probably, it's more about dies she really want this at this age???

She's 21 and just leaving Uni, single because she's been cheating on her long term boyfriend, and now pregnant with said long term boyfriend *maybe. Might well not be his. Plus, she's been carrying on drinking throughout her first trimester and shows no signs of stopping.

I would be strongly advising termination, frankly. She's not ready and the continued drinking through the first term may well cause additional problems for any resulting baby, and her, down the line.

Yeah but now she'll feel ganged up on and ostracized by you.

You only have to read the multiple threads on here from women that are in great marriages, household income of 100k, big house, blah blah blah that are blindsided by how hard motherhood is, I can’t imagine what it will be like at 21, about to move to London on a graduate recruitment scheme and you don’t know who the Dad is. Fuck me, she’s going to have the shock of her life. If it was me, I wouldn’t be too willing with offers of support, financial or otherwise OP. She needs to realise shits about to get real, no Greece, Alicante, or bottomless brunches. She needs to put her name down for a council house and kiss goodbye to the London career for a bit.

And judged. And as though OPs support is conditional.

Mum's don't need to investigate. If she's pregnant, she's pregnant.

If she thinks she's 12 weeks along, where was she 12 weeks ago? Greece? Elsewhere?

He has just replied and I am glad I asked, he said he has good reason to believe she was cheating for the last 6 months, she didn't tell him she had cheated in Greece (she told me she did) but rather the other guy told him as they all went out for drinks together the night they got back, and he drunkenly slipped up.
He also told me that if she is telling the truth about dates then she has used cocaine several times since then, including in Greece, and about 2 months ago out of the blue messaged him saying "If I got pregnant what would you do" so he thinks she probably found out around then.
Apparently I had no idea the person my DD had become while at uni!!

I think she needs a hug and to be told that you understand kids are messy and she is your daughter and you're going to be there but she needs to tell you what being there means to her.

She needs to decide of she is having a baby and where she is raising it.. That means staying near you and halting the career or ploughing on (with no realistic concept of what that looks like).

My advice to you, is say nothing, be a listening ear, and answer questions as realistically as you can (like about how much financial/practical support you can offer). But do not do.or say anything that lends itself to her re-writing history as you pushing her into a decision.

Still at uni, sitting exams.

Please don't encourage her to have an abortion it's a terrible thing to do. It is equally terrible to be encouraging her to keep the baby.
She needs to be given clear, practical advice about all options and laid out for her the reality of those choices. And she needs to be able to feel she can make the decision without judgment either way.
If she were my daughter I would want her to terminate however I absolutely would not encourage this.
DH has a son from a previous relationship, he was split up from the mother at the time she found it out she was pregnant. He was 21. Terrible situation all round. He has never really forgiven his father for saying that they should have abort the baby even though they had thought about it. It made sense practically for everyone at the baby didn't happen. However that baby is now a lovely 27 year old lad. DH still thinks about what his father said and a lack of support he was given.

Cut contact with him! Your daughter will think you are in cahoots with the man who according to her, isn't going to co-parent with her. He is angry with her. Of course he is going to take this opportunity to land her in it. Your daughter's sex life or whatever else isn't even your business, unless she is expecting you to take on a parenting role and even then...still isn't, really.
She is pregnant. That's what she now needs support with.

You are going to massively end up as your DD and her child’s only support network at this rate. She’s also throwing career opportunities away at exactly the time she needs to be establishing herself. Are you sure telling her to move home and promising all the support in the world is really the best thing in the long run here? I say that as someone who isn’t unequivocally pro-choice.

This. Your daughter is a liar and manipulative to boot.
It must be such a shock after she seemed to be doing so well... Competitive graduate job in London.
If the ex has used protection maybe that's why he thinks it's not his? Either way YABU to blame him until a DNA test has been done.

Dating of pregnancy isn't from conception, its from LMP. You take 2 weeks off for conception so if she is exactly 12 weeks then she conceived 10 weeks ago. Sperm can live for 5 days or so, so the window for when she had sex would likely be 10-11 weeks ago at best guess. Scans can be up to a week out on dates which further complicates matters. I'd say anyone she slept with 9-12 weeks ago is in the frame for father. She likely also had sex with her ex in that period so really she needs paternity test.

So now you know the gritty details of your daughter's personal life (that she has behaved just as many young people do during their sexually active emotionally messy years at uni).

What does that actually change? She's pregnant and has told her mum, presumably because she wants some support and help with decision making.