Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

Sorry, can everyone stop saying this woman needs to have an abortion? It's not your body, it's not your choice. Offer advice to OP for sure but stop telling someone they need to abort their baby.

She could have had a scan as part of consultation for a termination, I suppose. She needs to be prepared for lone parenthood or go ahead with an abortion. I wouldn't press her for any more answers as she's not being truthful anyway so you'll just end up clashing. But make clear that rightly or wrongly, she is in this as a single parent so she doesn't have any romantic ideas of getting back together with the ex. Of course no one knows what the future holds, but many fathers walk away. Which is shit but that's the way it is.

She took a test last week and had a scan before her booking in appointment? Are maternity services running with spare capacity so that they can magic up a scan in a week?

The ex isn't being unreasonable in the slightest. The cheating means that he isn't going to be gullible and take what she says at face value. If she has the baby and it's his then he might come round but it's understandable if he gives her a wide berth until the birth.

It’s not that I don’t feel desperately sorry for your DD - she’s not done anything I haven’t done in life. Also, I stuffed up the start of my career with an accidental pregnancy so I totally know the panic she (and you) is feeling. No judgement from me. But you can’t expect the ex boyfriend to rock up ready to be emotionally or financially supportive of a pregnancy when they’ve split up over her cheating on him.

Wishing you and yours all the best. I hope your DD makes the decisions that work for her.

Honestly the more I think about it, its very likely she has known for longer, even if not shes clearly not ready as just Friday there she was away to Manchester for bottomless brunch with a school friend, before she came home she'd been in Alicante for 5 days and before that last month she was in Greece for a week so whenever she found out it hasn't stopped her (at times worrying) drinking habits!!
Definitely need a chat with her and a nudge to make some sensible choices as I do think I've probably been blinded by her being my DD and not wanting to see her as making bad choices.

Of course you can, OP's daughter has some great opportunities ahead of herself. Given the lying and lack of maturity demonstrated she probably thinks keeping the baby will end up with her playing happy families with her ex, when he forgives her and steps up to be a Dad.

This has been a big shock to you OP. Many shocks, in fact. But you are starting to see clearly now.

The timings make no sense, as she has set them out. They only just split up? But she had already cheated? And is now suddenly twelve weeks along?

Something similar happened to a relative of mine when he was at university. His girlfriend of a couple of years cheated on him, got pregnant and lied about the dates to make out that it was his baby. Fortunately for him, the truth came out a few weeks later. I never felt that bad for the girl (although some relatives were furious). I think she found herself in a difficult situation and with a choice between a boyfriend she knew would step up and an unknown father, she went for the former. Completely morally reprehensible, of course. But I guess she was young and scared.

So based on my own experience, I suspect there may be more to come out in the wash than you have been told so far, OP.

Totally agree. Women who choose abortion should arrive at that decision freely.

His only obligations are to the child, not your DD. He certainly doesn’t owe her emotional support given the circumstances.

if she continues with the pregnancy he needs to meet his financial obligations and he should work to develop a positive and ongoing relationship with his child, eventually becoming an equal parent when the child is old enough. As far as you Dd is concerned though, he can keep their interactions extremely perfunctory. There is also a decent chance he won’t be a good person and will not fulfill his parental responsibilities

your dd is being extremely short-sighted right now. I know you want to support her choices, but you need to make sure she understands the choice she is making. She isn’t a child and she will manage, but she is choosing a radically different future than the on she planned.

I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two

Agree but OP shouldn't be doing the above either.

No, he’s not being unfair. He is allowed to cut contact with anyone he wants for whatever reason he wants but he has valid reason anyway. If he refused to take a paternity test when the time comes, then he would be being unfair.

She’d be making life an awful lot more difficult for herself by keeping this pregnancy than if she terminates.

ATM there’s a question over paternity, at least one very pissed off potential father in the frame (and the Greek hookup isn’t likely to be any more keen than the exBF) and she risks throttling her career potential before she’s even got started.

Is she very (very) sure that she’s not going to end up resenting this child for all that she’d have chosen to keep him/her? Is she sure her current decision isn’t motivated by guilt around the cheating? Or some weird thought that the ex will magically forget the cheating and get back with her once he’s met his child (if it’s his of course)?

Please never tell another woman (especially one you don't know) what they "need" to do with their body.

Not yet he doesn’t. He doesn’t know if he is the father and being brutally honest, There is a good chance he isn’t.

Also fetal alcohol syndrome is a worry if she has been drinking as heavily as you say.

I agree. At 21 she is an adult and the choice is hers to make.

What she has to face up to is that it's over between them.

And that he is uninterested in fatherhood. Yes, I know it's unfair that men can just walk away, but that's what he says he's doing and as you can't stop him from doing that, you/she may as well get used to the idea. There isn't going to be any worthwhile co-parenting going on.

So yes she can pursue him for child maintenance idc (at which point he'll probably insist on a DNA test, as it sounds likely that he doesn't believe her account of events and timings).

I think the best thing you can do is focus your DD on the future and what she wants to do. It's great that you are so supportive and have offered a very generous amount of practical support. But she is the one who is pregnant, and she is the one who needs to be making the plans, working out how she will cope as a single parent in the short and medium term.

(And she needs to get on with it - agree that no-one should be encouraged to abort, but if this is an option for her then she needs to have thought it through whilst there is still time to act)

Unless the OP's daughter is on this thread, they're not telling someone they need to abort their baby.

They're giving the OP their opinions.

It's really good that you can see that it's likely that your DD isn't telling you the complete truth, Op.

She needs independent medical advice about the amount of alcohol that she has drunk during her pregnancy so far, and her options.

If I were you I would set out her choices as clinically as possible. If your town is no good for her degree, how does she intend to pursue a career elsewhere with no support?

I think she is possibly trying to sugarcoat and maybe doesn’t know who the dad is? Which would be a scary prospect. I don’t think her ex is being unfair. He probably doesn’t believe her. He needs time to think it through. I guess she needs to realise he may well choose not to be involved. He probably dislikes her a lot right now.
She is very young and has great job prospects which will be possibly changed forever if she has a baby now. She needs to consider carefully what she wants her future to look like.