Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

If you were the boy's parent, would you be expecting him to step up right now? Or would you advise him to keep his distance until he knows that baby is his? I do feel for your dd, being pregnant is scary, especially when you are young and haven't planned it, but I think expecting the potential father to be involved right now is unrealistic.

@warpeacelove I’m afraid I think you’ll find out there are a few more things omitted from her tale.

she’s lied to him. She’s lied to you. There’s probably more to come yet.

She cheated, there's absolutely no reason he has to maintain a relationship with her if he doesn't want to.

Once the baby is born, she can put a claim in for CSA. Her Ex can ask for a paternity test if needed to prove the child is his.

It would be nice if he wanted a relationship with his child but he doesn't have to have one, not legally, he just has to provide financially.

It's a shitty situation all round but that's what happens when you cheat, people get hurt and crap situations develop.

Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support.

Right now he is hurting so it's unreasonable to expect him to be the one offering support.

I too would be questioning how she got a scan a week after her pregnancy test OP.

I'm almost certain she is 12 weeks, the scan pics are real etc. I can see nothing fake about them.
If she has lied about anything its more likely to be the test (maybe to make us think she didn't have any idea when she was out cheating, drinking in Greece with her uni mates). She won't talk to me right now, is on the phone to her friend upset, but I will ask more when she comes downstairs.

I think abortion is most sensible here, but if she doesn’t want that she needs to prepare to deal with it alone. She can’t make him be part of it, even if he says he is going to be, she should only proceed if she is happy to do it alone because there’s a good chance he’ll back out again. Plenty of older more stable dads, who haven’t been cheated on do. he obviously should be involved, but I can understand why he’s doubtful and not keen to be her support system at this point.

I don’t think you should be encouraging her to give up her job, if she’s going to continue she can start thinking about childcare, child support, benefits and how she’s going to practically make this work.

I also think you maybe need to step back a bit. She is an adult, she made adult decisions, and she landed you in it, practically forcing you to be the one to deliver the news to him and also not telling you she had cheated on him before you called him. She’s hardly showing any remorse and trying to take responsibility for her actions. If she’s going to be a mum, it’s time to grow up.

Wow, if I was the ex I would want nothing to do with her ever again. She's behaved very badly indeed. Bringing a baby into those situation is going to be bad for everyone including and most importantly, the baby. She needs to grow up and she needs to have an abortion.

Yes her ex has a responsibility

This. No way she managed to her a scan in that timing

I should think she is also lying about the timeframe of sleeping with the other guy.

My mum once told me that if I had ab unplanned pregnancy I needed to be prepared to do everything myself. If I wasn’t then I shouldn’t have a baby.

I never really understood what she meant until I got older, but she was right.

Men will absent themselves from their responsibilities very frequently, even whilst IN a relationship.

They should support you financially but often don’t.

If your daughter isn’t fully aware that pretty much all responsibility for this child lies with her she has no business having a baby. You can’t force him to contribute, support her or see the baby.

It’s an inauspicious start for them but doesn’t have to be a disaster. But make sure she’s not harbouring fantasies of the baby bringing her and her ex together.

I imagine she’s been sent for a scan to determine how far along she is rather than it being her official 12 week scan.

I am sorry but I feel sorry for two people here and your daughter isn't one of them. I feel sorry for the man she lied to, cheated on then convinced you to contact (by deceiving you, again showing untrustworthy) by getting you to contact him for her. I also feel sorry for the unborn child being brought into this mess. Given the amount of lying and untrustworthy behaviour that's gone on in this short time, alongside the unusual timings of different events according to her timeline, I'd have serious doubts she even has an implant, or indeed that the baby is his. I also wouldn't expect him to bend over backwards to support her, it would be him I'd be expecting to need support.

I think you should encourage her to have a termination. She's 21, plenty of time to have children in the future, but when she's got ahead with her amazing highly competitive career placements.

If she has lied about anything its more likely to be the test (maybe to make us think she didn't have any idea when she was out cheating, drinking in Greece with her uni mates)

There’s no way she ready to be a mother if this is what she was doing after she found out she was pregnant.

There’s no way I’d go ahead with a baby in this situation.

She won't talk to me right now, is on the phone to her friend upset, but I will ask more when she comes downstairs.

Manipulative isn't she?

She was perfectly happy to burst into your bedroom at 5am to 'talk', but as soon as you found out she shagged someone else in Greece, she suddenly doesn't want to talk.

To be honest OP, I'd rather have another talk with her ex as you're more likely to get to the bottom of it all.

If she has lied about anything its more likely to be the test (maybe to make us think she didn't have any idea when she was out cheating, drinking in Greece with her uni mates)

Blimey, I missed this bit. OP, I am sorry to say that you are going to have to face up to the fact that your daughter is lying to everyone, about everything.

Why? A responsibility to who? That child may not be his!

No one should encourage anyone to have a termination.

I suspect there'll be even more she's lied about, tbh.

She's admitted to cheating once, but I'd be wondering if she was cheating on her partner before she found out she was pregnant.

He's not being unreasonable at all. She cheated on him and broke all trust.

I wouldn't trust someone who cheated on me and then said they were pregnant soon after either.

She doesn't 'deserve' anything. That's just not how life works.

No one can force him to be involved. Many women have found this to their cost. Even within marriages! He may change his mind later.

But I think for now you/she have to make a plan assuming he won't be involved.

I wouldn't waste anymore time dwelling on the when/how or why, judging etc. Get practical. If she wants to have it, she needs a plan. For eg delaying her job or asking for a transfer more locally.

And don't forget, OP, that she was happy to cheat on her boyfriend without using protection.

She has clearly known about this for a lot longer than she's letting on, because you don't have a pregnancy test with a scan the following week. If that's the case I'd be wanting to ask why she didn't tell the boy when they were still together? If they've only just split up?
Or is it possible the baby may not be his and that's why she hasn't mentioned it to him earlier?