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Original poster

Is DDs ex being unfair

470 replies

warpeacelove · 18/07/2023 16:19

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

OP posts:
NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 19/07/2023 14:40

Sounds like she's come to a very sensible decision to not go through with the pregnancy. I'm glad she's asked you to go with her for support, OP. Hopefully she can move on from all this and start growing up a little.

ThereIsThat · 19/07/2023 15:06

That sounds like the best plan. It's sad but it might be that it doesn't effect her too much at all and that she can just carry on with her life and career as she was intending too.

I'm pleased for you too. I can't imagine how worried you must have been.

Did she tell many people? It's a shame she told her ex.

Ep1cfail · 19/07/2023 15:42

She's very irresponsible. She isn't currently fit to be a parent so she has probably made the best decision for everyone involved.

Wheresthebeach · 19/07/2023 15:46

Best decision all round. With the drinking and drugs there could be complications and this can move into the 'massive mistake' pile rather than the 'changing life' pile. I'd get her some counselling. Continuing to drink and do drugs while pregnant shows her state of mind.

WildUnchartedWaters · 20/07/2023 01:08

Ep1cfail · 19/07/2023 15:42

She's very irresponsible. She isn't currently fit to be a parent so she has probably made the best decision for everyone involved.

Says who?

WildUnchartedWaters · 20/07/2023 01:08

ThereIsThat · 19/07/2023 15:06

That sounds like the best plan. It's sad but it might be that it doesn't effect her too much at all and that she can just carry on with her life and career as she was intending too.

I'm pleased for you too. I can't imagine how worried you must have been.

Did she tell many people? It's a shame she told her ex.

You're pleased?

WildUnchartedWaters · 20/07/2023 01:11

I am utterly disgusted at this thread and appalled.

I'm sorry you've had these idiotic responses from adults Op. This should have been a place of comfort and they failed you with prejudice and venom.

WildUnchartedWaters · 20/07/2023 01:13

RoyalGala · 19/07/2023 13:18

FFS! He’s just found out his GF of one and a half years had cheated twice on him and exposed him to STD’s, he’s just been told he’s a potential father, he doesn’t even know if the baby is his, off course he’s going to be upset, he sounds a lot more mature than the DD. She’s lied to her BF and own mother.
If your DS gf did this to him would you really just tell him she made a mistake?
If someone posted this in reverse and it was a boy doing it, there wouldn’t be an ounce of sympathy for the boy (rightly so!) The DD has been feckless and deceitful.

Show quote history

I'd suggest you read the thread where the MIL posted she was disappointed her son cheated on his gf and got hammered.
Bullshit

WildUnchartedWaters · 20/07/2023 01:17

CrazyHedgehogLover · 19/07/2023 13:08

I’m sorry but just because he was cheated on doesn’t excuse his responsibilities! His response was “even if it was his he wants nothing to do with it” if this was my son I would be extremely disappointed by his approach tbh.

yes your daughter was wrong for cheating, she is clearly mortified and everyone makes mistakes! If she had a clock to turn back time I’m sure she would, nobody deserves this tbh.. so no I think it’s harsh to say she’s brought this upon herself, she made a mistake and naturally is having the consequences now, this does not excuse the boyfriend in this for the way he has reacted to potentially becoming a father.

yes the dates don’t add up, I would ask her was it certainly the 12wk scan or did she attend hospital etc where they have given her an emergency scan? Also I would double check when she actually found out she was pregnant..

as she doesn’t feel comfortable approaching the ex boyfriend about things I would message him to say would he olé a dna test to be done once baby arrives, I know one can be carried out during the pregnancy but I’m not sure if there would be risks regarding that tbh.. I would personally wait until baby is born.

your daughter wants to keep the baby, I would encourage this.. I was in your daughter’s position (I didn’t cheat) but I did get pregnant at 18, for the first four weeks the father didn’t want anything to do with me, I felt extremely alone and my mother wasn’t thrilled either!

support your daughter as much as you can, naturally she won’t want to do it alone and I would never leave any of my children to do something like this alone no matter what circumstances.

I would have a look at everything she will be entitled to, if this was my child I would want them to have the family support and be closer to home, however she can still work while pregnant, they may hold her position (if she doesn’t qualify for Mat leave) and then she could return and look for childcare options?

I think she needs to get her head around the position she is in now, she is obviously distraught and I would explain to her for the baby aswell her mental health is certainly a priority, you have all said you will support her as much as possible, it won’t hurt for her to take a couple of years out to have baby, get into a routine and then use her skills to get another job later on..

she made one mistake, her ex in my eyes is being incredibly heartless, yes he will be upset naturally she cheated on him but it doesn’t excuse his response at all.

👏👏👏👏👏

Nanaof1 · 20/07/2023 01:24

YoSof · 18/07/2023 16:41

I imagine she’s been sent for a scan to determine how far along she is rather than it being her official 12 week scan.

Unless things are very different in the UK, I had a scan at my first OB appt to see how far along I was, listen for heartbeat etc. I agree with you. I am thinking they did a scan to see how far along she was and surprise, she's 12 weeks along.

Don't they do scans in the beginning to make sure it's not ectopic etc?

RoyalGala · 20/07/2023 06:54

WildUnchartedWaters · 20/07/2023 01:11

I am utterly disgusted at this thread and appalled.

I'm sorry you've had these idiotic responses from adults Op. This should have been a place of comfort and they failed you with prejudice and venom.

You can be disappointed all you like but it’s very clear that MN is full of double standards when it comes to men and women, that is what’s prejudice.

Don’t pretend that if this was a man who lied, cheated on his GF twice, got one of the women pregnant, exposed his GF to STD’s, took drugs and was binge drinking, would have got the sympathy you think she should be getting. We’re allowed to point out (shock horror), when a woman has behaved appallingly.

RoyalGala · 20/07/2023 06:56

WildUnchartedWaters · 20/07/2023 01:13

I'd suggest you read the thread where the MIL posted she was disappointed her son cheated on his gf and got hammered.
Bullshit

Show quote history

Yes the man would have got hammered, rightly so. There is not a thread on MN where the majority of posters are sympathetic towards a man who has cheated on his GF.

londonrach · 20/07/2023 07:03

She need a DNA test as could be other guys baby and some tests to make sure she didn't pick up any diseases. Ex isn't wrong. She says it once four weeks ago but she cheated so she will need a DNA test. How can he trust her now She cheated. The relationship is over. Best thing would be to have abortion I'm afraid.

Beezknees · 20/07/2023 08:53

Nanaof1 · 20/07/2023 01:24

Unless things are very different in the UK, I had a scan at my first OB appt to see how far along I was, listen for heartbeat etc. I agree with you. I am thinking they did a scan to see how far along she was and surprise, she's 12 weeks along.

Don't they do scans in the beginning to make sure it's not ectopic etc?

Show quote history

No, not routinely. I didn't have a scan until 12 weeks.

Beezknees · 20/07/2023 09:02

WildUnchartedWaters · 20/07/2023 01:08

Says who?

Show quote history

It's clear from her behaviour that she isn't. She's continued to take drugs and drink alcohol knowing she is pregnant. I was 17 when I discovered I was pregnant and I immediately made the necessary changes in my life to be as good a mother as I could at that age.

Having a baby at a young age with no help from the father is beyond difficult. I've been there. Nothing can prepare you for it. If she can't manage a lifestyle change at this stage she is likely not going to manage it when the baby is here. It's not always a magical story where a woman gives birth and then instinctively becomes a good mother because that's what you do.

WildUnchartedWaters · 20/07/2023 12:14

RoyalGala · 20/07/2023 06:56

Yes the man would have got hammered, rightly so. There is not a thread on MN where the majority of posters are sympathetic towards a man who has cheated on his GF.

Show quote history

Sorry, I wasnt clear. It was the MIL who got absolutely hammered. The son was defended throughout.

RoyalGala · 20/07/2023 12:21

WildUnchartedWaters · 20/07/2023 12:14

Sorry, I wasnt clear. It was the MIL who got absolutely hammered. The son was defended throughout.

Show quote history

I haven’t seen that but that’s one post, on MN there are threads where the man is torn to shreds (quite rightly) and people are advised to throw his cheating arse out, rinse him for everything they can get etc, that hasn’t happened on this thread and the OP DD has cheated twice that her BF knows of. My opinion stands, MN has double standards on men and women and I’m not the only one to say that, it’s often mentioned on here. Here people are being supportive and said she made a mistake, we never say that to the women that post about their SO cheating on them, so why is it any different for a woman?

WildUnchartedWaters · 20/07/2023 15:53

RoyalGala · 20/07/2023 12:21

I haven’t seen that but that’s one post, on MN there are threads where the man is torn to shreds (quite rightly) and people are advised to throw his cheating arse out, rinse him for everything they can get etc, that hasn’t happened on this thread and the OP DD has cheated twice that her BF knows of. My opinion stands, MN has double standards on men and women and I’m not the only one to say that, it’s often mentioned on here. Here people are being supportive and said she made a mistake, we never say that to the women that post about their SO cheating on them, so why is it any different for a woman?

Show quote history

You think this thread is supportive?

Pipsquiggle · 21/07/2023 06:32

@RoyalGala
Eh? Are we reading the same thread?
The vast majority of posts have been very critical re the DD's behaviour
Hopefully this will be a wake up call for her on how you should treat other people and look after yourself

RoyalGala · 21/07/2023 06:54

WildUnchartedWaters · 20/07/2023 15:53

You think this thread is supportive?

Show quote history

It was in response to the posters who were focusing on her BF rather than her actions.

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