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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Child maintenance one night stand

508 replies

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 13:48

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

OP posts:
Roses121 · 18/07/2023 13:50

Also, the reason I am posting is because I asked him yesterday if he wants to financially contribute and he hasn’t replied, which is strange because normally he replies quickly. This leads me to think he doesn’t want to.

OP posts:
NewDogOwner · 18/07/2023 13:51

It's not an option he can opt out of. It is his responsibility and duty to your child.

Sarvanga38 · 18/07/2023 13:52

Of course you should apply for maintenance. He was an adult (frankly rather a seedy one, sleeping with a 19 year old, let alone whether he was single or not) who was far more capable of analysing risks of contraception and pregnancy than you.

toomuchlaundry · 18/07/2023 13:53

Has he helped you at all financially? He should be

Stopthetest · 18/07/2023 13:54

You didn't plan the baby either OP but have had to change your whole life for your DS. Don't feel bad claiming maintenance you're entitled to!

catherinewales · 18/07/2023 13:55

I would message him and say if we don't come to an agreement I'm going to have to go to CSA. See if he agrees to something that your both happy with. If not go CSA. He should be paying towards your child.

BibbleandSqwauk · 18/07/2023 13:56

Keep at the top of your mind that this is your son's money. Not yours. He's not giving it to you, for your benefit. You should have been claiming from day 1 but absolutely you should now. If it turns out you have surplus to need, put it in savings for his future.

toomuchlaundry · 18/07/2023 13:56

Who will be looking after DC when you are at uni?

Stopthetest · 18/07/2023 13:57

I would go straight to CSA rather than replying on him to send what he wants each month, he's had 16 months to offer this.

Stopthetest · 18/07/2023 13:57

*Relying

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 18/07/2023 14:00

Every time you have sex with a woman of childbearing age there's a risk of pregnancy. Of course he should pay, whether he "wants" to or not. Can't believe he's never offered you a penny.

AnSolas · 18/07/2023 14:01

He was 35 and has 2 other children.
So old enough to understand how babies are made and now that no sexual relations is risk free of babies.

Yes he should contribute to the upkeep of his child.

mindutopia · 18/07/2023 14:02

Not morally wrong at all. I think it's pretty morally deficient of him that he hasn't been paying all this time. Could you imagine seeing your child every month for 16 months, but not taking care of them financially? Yes, he should be paying to support his child.

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 14:02

@Stopthetest Awh 🥺 yes that’s so true. I gave my life up for my son. He should at least give up some money.

OP posts:
Weedoormatnomore · 18/07/2023 14:04

Don't matter if just 1 night stand still got a child so yes he has to pay maintenance. Shocked he ain't offered anything in 16mths if he has been seeing the child. Prob gone quiet as thinking either what to offer or how to get out of paying!

waterrat · 18/07/2023 14:05

When an adult has consenting sex they take a risk that a baby will happen! that is why we have child maintenance.

Even if he had used every form of contraception, even if he had pleaded with you not to have the baby - he would still have to pay and that would be absolutely right and. proper.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 18/07/2023 14:05

Regardless of the fact he is obliged to pay CM by law, surely he wants to ensure his son is having the same standard of living while you are at uni. You will be investing in yourself so you can earn more once you graduate and will then be able to provide a better upbringing for your son. If he's against this then I think that gives you the measure of him.

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 14:05

Okay thanks all for the comments. I’m gonna see if he messages me back today and if not will make a claim.
Only problem is I don’t know his address. I do know his previous employer tho so maybe that would help them track him down.
I also know his other kids mim Facebook as I found her when I was scrolling his page. Don’t want to message her and cause drama as I genuinely don’t know the situation and I’m not even sure she knows about me, but she will know his address for sure.

OP posts:
FartSock5000 · 18/07/2023 14:06

@Roses121 if he didn't want to risk a pregnancy during a one night stand he would have had a vasectomy after the last 2 kids were born. Condoms are not failproof and he is just as responsible for the new baby as you are.

Its time we stopped blaming woman for accidental pregnancies when men are the ones who are fertile 100% of the time compared to woman.

Go via CMS and get the money your child is owed. If he strops and refuses to see him/her as a result, then your DC won't miss what they never had.

AndyMcFlurry · 18/07/2023 14:07

BibbleandSqwauk · 18/07/2023 13:56

Keep at the top of your mind that this is your son's money. Not yours. He's not giving it to you, for your benefit. You should have been claiming from day 1 but absolutely you should now. If it turns out you have surplus to need, put it in savings for his future.

This. Claim everything that your child is entitled to. Go online and put in a claim to the CMS today. It takes MUCH longer than you think to get the money .

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 14:08

@toomuchlaundry Nursery. He already goes when I’m working so won’t be a change for him (other than the days probably.)

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 18/07/2023 14:08

Morally, I think you have an obligation to claim. The money belongs to your child. By not claiming, you aren’t depriving yourself, you are depriving your child of resources.

PuttingDownRoots · 18/07/2023 14:09

He's morally and legally responsible.

Good luck with university.

MaxwellCat · 18/07/2023 14:10

Just put in a claim but be aware legally they don’t always have to pay my ex hasn’t paid in 6 years and nothing has been done about it, some men are very good at wiggling their way out of it 🤷🏻‍♀️

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