Child maintenance one night stand

[Roses121]

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

Yep, you are correct, I missed that. Apologies

Disgusting that a 35 year old man would sleep with a teenager. Yes he should be paying but I feel sorry for his other kids who will probably go without because of a one night stand their dad had. Unfair all round

This is not correct

I doubt this will be a popular opinion but here goes (the following is a generality as opposed to a statement specific to OP’s posting): if contraception was used at the time and the partner voiced that they did not want to have the child, then it would only be ethically acceptable to do so if you would continue the pregnancy even if you didn’t want a child (as in your ethical stance on abortion would mean it was not a possibility).

In this case the partner, based on the information provided, had not voiced opposition to the continuation of the pregnancy. The claiming of the child benefit would be in the best interest of the child.

I can’t believe he has been seeing the baby all this time and has never once offered money! What a creep.

Of course you should apply for maintenance.

He should have offered before now. He is the immoral one for not paying up so far.

Every time a man ejaculates in a woman, he is giving consent to become a father, with all that implies. Your child is owed the money; get it for him.

That’s the thing tho, he did use a condom. I would’ve never had unprotected sex like that and I’m sure he wouldn’t either. It broke and I took Ella one pill the following afternoon (as I didn’t wake up till late.)
I’m not sure if that will change opinions.

Don't negotiate with this man. He has happily not contributed so far despite knowing that he should.

Go straight to CMS and make a claim. That way your maintenance is annually assessed by them.

I think maybe you misunderstand what the OP meant? I don't think she meant that she 'decided' to raise the baby alone and stop him having a relationship with his father. She said that she did not want to be in a romantic relationship with the father, and was prepared for him to have no contact with the baby if that was he wanted. However, that was not he wanted - he said he wanted to be involved in the baby's life, and the OP has facilitated that with regular contact. The OP hasn't pushed him out or told him she didn't want anything to do with him and then demanded money for a child she's banned him seeing.

It doesn't really matter whether she wants the money now because she's starting uni - she could have asked for money from day one, but she very generously hasn't done that, despite the father deciding he wanted to be involved in his son's life. Regardless of when or why she wants to pursue child support, it is her right to do so and he should be paying for his son. She has been more than accommodating so far by not pressing him to introduce her son to his family, not asking him to contribute to his son's care, and letting him see his son when he feels like it. If she was doing this out of greed she'd have asked him for money from day one.

It's not your fault you fell pregnant either but you're the one bearing the entire financial cost of it. How is that fair?

He's as responsible for this child as you are and he has a moral and legal duty to contribute financially.

It changes nothing. In the same way that no matter how careful I am, every single time I get into the car, I accept the risk that something might go wrong and I could cause an accident. It happens. And we all have to take responsibility for our actions.

The age differential is an issue here too becuase on some level I suspect you've slipped into an "adult/child" mindset where you don't want to disturb him/insist on things etc.

But just know that HE is the wanker here.

It’s not like you got pregnant on purpose. Of course he should pay for his child. Whether he wants to or not isn’t really relevant.

Makes no difference. He is still the child's father. He didn't plan to have a baby, but neither did you - and yet you are still paying for your son. So why shouldn't he also pay? You are both in this together, and he should be paying for his child.

Idk, his read receipts aren’t on. But I’m guessing probably.

He used a condom, so what. Condoms have a risk of failure due to breakage, imperfect use, etc. Anytime the couple use a condom, they are each separately accepting this risk of failure. It's not an excuse for him not paying for his child.

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

If his read receipts are normally on and he's switched them off and not responded then sadly it looks like he's going to make this difficult.

If that's the case, then I adjust my previous advice (start by playing nicely, and then only CMS if he won't play), to ask him if he'd rather do this via CMS or can you sort it out between you ie there is no way round this and no amount of him not responding is going to change that.

I really hope he isn't the arsehole he looks like he might be...but whether he is or not, you are entitled to maintenance for your little one.

You should definitely claim. But be prepared for it to be a long, drawn out process. If you don't have his address, current employed, date of birth etc then they will take their time tracing him and you'll likely have to ring them over and over again. The CMS are also fairly toothless, so if he's determined not to pay then it's possible for him to wriggle out of it.

He needs to be paying maintenance

He's an utter shit for not doing so already and I would trust this man as far as I could throw him

This. What a prick.

Every time a man ejaculates in a woman, he is giving consent to become a father, with all that implies. Your child is owed the money; get it for him.

^

This. Seems like a lot of people don't actually know this!

It’s okay.
When I found out I was pregnant I committed to raising him alone as I did not know what he wanted/thought at the time.
And I pretty much have done. I’m not complaining about that because I did not want a relationship with him, despite him trying to pursue me after the one night stand and even now. However I always shut him down.
I was happy for him to have a relationship with our son but never pressured it. I went into it with an open mind because I didn’t know his character when I got pregnant hence why I prepared to do it without him.
As for the money, I prepared to do it without him financially too. I have a job & do receive universal credit for my housing costs and childcare but my son has everything he needs etc.
Its only now I am budgeting for the next year & am aware that him contributing financially will make up for the shortfall whilst I’m at uni. Up until this point I’ve never really ‘needed’ it as I have my parents for support too but this thread has made me realise I should’ve claimed it when he was born. I guess I just feel like this was all on me since I could’ve had an abortion. I just didn’t want to though.

id text and say that as you now need the money because of uni, would he rather come to a private agreement or would he prefer you to go via cms.

That should put a rocket up his bum.

Definitely put a claim in, you have dedicated your life to raising your child, the least he can do is pay a meagre amount a month. Good luck, your some is lucky to have a mum like you. Good luck with uni and well done!