Child maintenance one night stand

[Roses121]

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

He should have been paying all along.

He owes you thousands.

Planned or not, it doesn't matter. It's a possibility when you have sex.

Thank you for your support. It means a lot. Harsh to know that money is more important than a child. But I guess that’s the world we live in 🤷🏻‍♀️.
I don’t think he lied about his name, as it’s on his Facebook. Although he did initially, when we first met, he told me his name was something else and causally mentioned his real name after the birth of our son.
Age, he could’ve lied about.
Obviously address I don’t have, but would’ve been pretty easy for me to get if I played along with his wishes of me coming over to his 😂kinda wish I would’ve done that now but I wasn’t thinking this far ahead.

Sorry to hear this OP.

He's probably older than he said he was. Can you def not trace him by going to where he worked?

Still, while it's rough right now, it probably for the best he's shown his true colours before your son got old enough to know who he was. Chances are he'd have abandoned you both at some point regardless of whether or not you asked for child support.

I didn’t know my exes address with I went to CMS.

I told them his name and where I thought he’d lived and they found his address. He also lied to me about his age and parents age so I had literally nothing to go on.

He did have a unique surname though which must have helped.

In some cultures their legal registered name is different to the name they use in day to day life. It used to be more common in the UK too. Could this be the case with him?

they havent really tried have they

is there anyway you can find out his address

This happened to me. I had a one night stand with a woman, used contraception.
She told me she was pregnant but I didn't want to be a parent and couldn't afford to be one. We don't sleep with random people to be parents unless you are planning to be one, right.
She decided to keep the baby and invited me to be in my daughter's life. She assured me she didn't want maintenance as she did not need the money. I paid her a monthly amount and had regular contact with my daughter. Fast forward 3 years and I met someone I'm very happy with, this is when the problems started.
She said that my daughter couldn't mix with my partner and if my mother invited my partner over to dinner, I'd ask if I could have my daughter over too and I'd get accused of putting my partner before my daughter.
Now she has stopped me seeing my daughter altogether and has gone to the CMS. She states that as long as I see my partner or in a relationship with anyone, I'm a crap dad and I need to see my daughter everyday. I waa abused mentally every day.
The amount the CMS is taking from me leaves me with hardly anything. I have a mortgage and debt.
I am not on the birth certificate or have any parental rights. I did a home DNA which confirms my daughter
I feel absolutely let down and gutted that someone can do this and weaponize the CMS against you and financially I'm ruined.
How someone can have this financial coercive control over you is not right

I had a one night stand with a woman, used contraception.
She told me she was pregnant but I didn't want to be a parent and couldn't afford to be one. We don't sleep with random people to be parents unless you are planning to be one, right.
She decided to keep the baby and invited me to be in my daughter's life. She assured me she didn't want maintenance as she did not need the money. I paid her a monthly amount and had regular contact with my daughter. Fast forward 3 years and I met someone I'm very happy with, this is when the problems started.
She said that my daughter couldn't mix with my partner and if my mother invited my partner over to dinner, I'd ask if I could have my daughter over too and I'd get accused of putting my partner before my daughter.
Now she has stopped me seeing my daughter altogether and has went to the CMS. She states that as long as I see my partner or in a relationship with anyone, I'm a crap dad and I need to see my daughter everyday. I was abused mentally every day.
The amount the CMS is taking from me leaves me with hardly anything. I have a mortgage and debt.
I am not on the birth certificate or have any parental rights. I did a home DNA which confirms my daughter
I feel absolutely let down and gutted that someone can do this and weaponize the CMS against you and financially I'm ruined.
How someone can have this financial coercive control over you is not right
I'm gutted Im not allowed to see my daughter now and do not have the money to go to court.

not fair she’s not letting you see your child, but assume the amount you were giving wasn’t anywhere near the 12% CMS feel is fair. Paying for a child doesn’t fall to the mother only

The point is, it's totally the woman's decision to put parenthood on a man, even a stranger, the same way she can not have the child if he wanted one. And men have to pay for that decision, afford it or not. One night stand, accident or not.We can't discount men have commited suicide over being chased by the CMS for situations like mine which leave them in financial ruin.
I paid £400 a month. She gets child benefit and has a £50000 pa a year job working from her home she shares with her partner. She is by no means struggling and will openly say it's to ruin me for some sick vendetta for having a partner
There's men in my position who wouldn't have wanted anything to do with the child, and under the circumstances, you can't blame them but I thought I was doing the right thing by my daughter, it's not her fault.
The mother feels totally justified in stopping me seeing her as and as she puts it, the CMS money will look better on her mortgage application as extra income when she buys a bigger house.

The point is, it's totally the woman's decision to put parenthood on a man, even a stranger

You should have listened harder in Biology lessons. Every time you have sex with a woman you put yourself at risk of parenthood. Grow up and take responsibility for your own actions.

I can sense you hate men or a man has upset you in the past so you want to tar us all with the same brush.
That's the simpletons argument but there is always the 1% chance contraception it won't work and I was that 1%.
Would you be showing the same energy if she aborted when I wanted the child. Guess not.
Do you work for the CMS? You should do

Has it ever occurred to you that if you were the 1%, so was the woman you had sex with?
Why are you the victim and not the poor woman that was literally left holding the baby?

You don't come across as a very sensible person there. If you're going to have sex with someone you've got to be prepared that it could result in a child that needs caring for, as you say no contraception is 100%.

If you're going to have a ONS or similar, as a man you're knowingly putting a massive life affecting decision in the hands of the women. If you can't handle that don't have sex with them. You can't just wash your hands of responsibility for your child, nor can you demand they get an abortion it's not your body!!!

A non sensible person wouldn't use protection
Do you completely want to show your bias and skip over how men can be held to ransom with no parental rights and financial demands put on them by another person's decision.
This don't have sex argument is the simple feminist view which is completely ludicrous

Poor woman? She has physically and mentally abused me for having a relationship and now has stopped me seeing my daughter.
Are you that bias against men? Sounds like you condone domestic violence if the show is on the other foot.
What a nasty site, is this what modern women have become.

Just go to court and pay the quite frankly pathetic 12% of your wages child support 🙄

your trying to martyr yourself but your really just coming across as a self entitled pratt

there are remedies for not getting someone pregnant there are remedies for not being able to see your child there are even remedies for being unable to pay child support (which is calculated from the day they contacted CMO its not backdated so your only paying 12%) wailing woe is me will fix nothing

What a nasty self hating entitled piece of work. Remedies work both ways or is this just one way.
If a women was being mentally and physically abused I bet you would change your tune.
What a misandrist you are. I hope you don't teach your children to hate men, abuse them and get what you can.
Now, you can do one and go back to your miserable life of hate

'The amount the CMS is taking from me leaves me with hardly anything' That says all we need to know about the kind of Dad you are. You wasn't even intending to pay the legal minimum for your daughter. 'Waaa poor me I pay £400 a month for my daughter'. I pay more than that for 2 and a half days of nursery a week. Go to court like any decent parent. And stop having sex until you're mature enough for the consequences.

@Taz234 You should start your own thread. If you've bee in your DD's life for 3 years, then there's no reason she suddenly can stop you seeing her. If she is attempting to do so, you have legal options that you should explore.

As for payment, if she's going the CMS route, then you need to pay what CMS amount it is. it's not "ruining" you. It's taking responsibility for your own actions and your child.

I won't have enough to pay my mortgage for the house I've worked hard my whole life for whilst she laughs that the CMS money I'm paying will look good on her new mortgage application. She was very happy with the private agreement but openly says this to ruin me, she knows my financial situation.
I'm not ducking paying for my child, but the CMS is there to be weaponized by vindictive women who do not need the money.
I know alot of women don't want to hear that because we all want to paint the picture of the dead beat dad whilst mum slaves away with the children on the bread line. That is not the case here.
Bias aside, the CMS needs to be reformed so it's a case by case application
£600 from me, £100 child benefit. That's £700 a month for one child before she even puts her hand in her own pocket out of the £50000 she earns a year. Not that it matters to biased opinions

Win win if you are a woman like her. Sleep with random men till you are pregnant, abuse them, stop them seeing the child then punish them financially when they are already doing their best

What a great fair system

Anyway I'm done here. Just because you are entitled doesn't make it morally right

I suggested

1. Start your own thread to get proper advice and support
2. That you absolutely should not be refused access to the child as you've been in her life for 3 years and that you should seek legal or other solutions.

I did also say that the CMS amount is not "ruining" you. If you feel the system isn't fair, go ahead and campaign to change it. But at the end of the day, a child costs a lot of money.

I note you are only interested in attacking me and others for our comments re CMS. You're not saying anything about what you're doing to ensure you maintain a relationship with your child.

I'm getting comments about "grow up" and "don't be a victim" after I'm a victim of domestic violence by a female who is happy to take my money and stop me seeing my daughter knowing I have to go to court and pay expenses I don't have and will not mediate. You don't know my financial circumstances so you can't say it won't ruin me.
I've met a lovely woman with 3 kids whose ex husband contributes nothing. She is the reason I'm not allowed to see my daughter.
I'm a father after a brief encounter with someone I didn't know who told me they were using contraception and I used it also. Even if I didn't want to be in my daughter's life, which is reasonable in the circumstances, I'm left paying for the decision of another person. Men can and do get used by so inclined females

The "You shouldn't be having sex argument" is so dumb. It appears it doesn't apply to females.

Guys, stay safe out there if you are reading this

Don't sleep with women you hardly know even if you think you are being safe. You might be being used for her agenda and you will financially and emotionally pay for her decisions

Pissing myself at the idea that women ("females", you're one of those) don't get criticised and blamed for having sex. Is that actually a joke?

Your contraception failed. That can happen and there is indeed only one way to absolutely ensure that it can't. The reason the decision to keep the baby wasn't yours was because we have got away from the point where a woman could be forced into the life and health threatening, body changing and psychological risks of pregnancy and childbirth, or to have an invasive and potentially traumatising medical procedure, against her wishes, because it suits a man.

You had a choice, you made it, you took a risk and as a sexually active adult, of course you're responsible for your own child - why should you not be? You think it would be reasonable to abandon your daughter because her mother didn't have an abortion to please you, you call women "females" and think you're the victim because you couldn't force an abortion, and you see it as "paying for the decisions of another person" rather than supporting your child. All this might explain why you're not being allowed to see the daughter whose existence you resent so much because you feel so entitled to consequence-free sex.

Don't sleep with women you hardly know even if you think you are being safe.

Absolutely. This is great advice. Not sure why you're all so upset now. It's completely true - don't have sex if you're not willing to accept the consequences of a mistake, an accident or even someone else behaving badly. Simple as that.

I'm a victim of domestic violence by a female who is happy to take my money and stop me seeing my daughter knowing I have to go to court and pay expenses I don't have and will not mediate. You don't know my financial circumstances so you can't say it won't ruin me.

Did you say that she was violent towards you? I must have missed that. As for not "ruining you" - the fact is that CMS is a relatively low proportion of total income. If it is going to ruin you, you are spending too much money. And it may well be that this woman is a total bitch, I couldn't say. But then it's up to you to go to court and get it sorted.