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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Child maintenance one night stand

508 replies

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 13:48

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

OP posts:
MumGMT · 18/07/2023 16:13

It's staggeringly selfish that in 16 months this 35 year old man has not offered any financial assistance to the then-teenager he impregnated.

Absolutely. He is a disgrace and should be ashamed of himself.

CakeyBakeyHeart · 18/07/2023 16:13

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 18/07/2023 16:09

You think men should decide whether the mother of the child should have an abortion?

If there was an "I didn't want the child" getout clause, nobody would ever pay.

Why should the straw man get to decide 😉

FloydPepper · 18/07/2023 16:13

Somanycats · 18/07/2023 16:11

Presumably he will insist on being put on the birth certificate if it looks like he is going to have to pay though? If only out of spite. I think lots of absent fathers love preventing you from taking the child abroad or interfering in school choices tbh

He has the right to go on the birth certificate, he may have to prove he’s the father, but he can do this

he’d be within his rights to do a dna and go on the certificate before paying cms.

TomorrowToday · 18/07/2023 16:14

Sarvanga38 · 18/07/2023 13:52

Of course you should apply for maintenance. He was an adult (frankly rather a seedy one, sleeping with a 19 year old, let alone whether he was single or not) who was far more capable of analysing risks of contraception and pregnancy than you.

Yes disgusting sleeping with a 19 year old. I'm late thirties and it's weird....

PrudenceDictates · 18/07/2023 16:14

Peony15 · 18/07/2023 16:05

Role reversal :
If you had a one night stand with someone , they then got pregnant ( you never planned a child together ) and they kept the baby , without specifically consulting your input.
Assume you'd be happy to
pay them for the next 18 years , having used contraception and no say in whether you wanted this ?

Eh?
This man HAD a choice. He could have chosen not to be in this situation at all and have no obligations to children he didn't want.
He had to option to not have sex with a teenager he'd just met.

He chose otherwise.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/07/2023 16:15

@usererror99 I disagree re Birth certificate - it would be insane to give a man you barely know control over where you can live, where the child is educated, whether or not he can be taken out of the country, what religion he is etc etc.

you can easily add the father on once he's proven he is trustworthy and not controlling but you can't take him off. Much safer to leave him off for those first few weeks that you have to register

CombatBarbie · 18/07/2023 16:15

He doesn't get a choice he's legally obliged to financially support the child. Get the claim in....

Dixiechickonhols · 18/07/2023 16:15

https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility

Married man is presumed to be the dad and has parental responsibility from birth.

Unmarried only gets parental responsibility if he is named on birth certificate (he must attend appointment with the mum) or applies to court.

Obviously not usually an issue but if mum dies in childbirth then it’s more complicated if unmarried.

Parental rights and responsibilities

Who has parental responsibility for looking after children, and how to apply for parental responsibility if you were unmarried to the mother or are not on the birth certificate

https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility

TomorrowToday · 18/07/2023 16:16

TattiePants · 18/07/2023 16:08

@MammaTo even more interesting.....if a woman gives birth whilst married, she can add her husband to the birth certificate even if he isn't the actual father. I assume there is then recourse for the husband to get his name removed.

The husband knew the change of legal status before he got married

TattiePants · 18/07/2023 16:16

EasterIssland · 18/07/2023 16:12

No. Their body their choice but neither should a woman force a man to pay for the bills of a child they never desired and they had put precautions not to have.

If a man is old enough to have sex he is old enough to know that no contraception is 100% effective. Every time he has sex there is a chance, however small, that a pregnancy will occur and he will get no further say in the matter. Don't want to risk a pregnancy, don't have sex.

Lorieandrews · 18/07/2023 16:18

You slept with him. Did the most intimate things with him, had a baby with him

yet feel too uncomfortable to have him at your house and vice versa…..

TomorrowToday · 18/07/2023 16:20

Lorieandrews · 18/07/2023 16:18

You slept with him. Did the most intimate things with him, had a baby with him

yet feel too uncomfortable to have him at your house and vice versa…..

Yes. Nothing wrong with protecting your home. He's not been forthcoming.

Lorieandrews · 18/07/2023 16:20

But for sure get CM!!!! Regardless of it being planned. Men know this might happen as do women….you didn’t plan it so does that mean you negate all finances regarding the baby?!?! No

DrSbaitso · 18/07/2023 16:22

usererror99 · 18/07/2023 15:31

To be honest I think if a mother deliberately leaves a man off the birth certificate when she knows full well who he is then no she shouldn't expect CMS.

Did he know you weren't on contraception? That's also a factor in my mind. If you said you were / it would be ok / you do those natural cycle apps and you just "knew" it would be fine then also I don't think CMS is due.

Lots of factors probably not many that others on MN would agree with

CMS isn't for the mother. It's for the child.

Why should anything a mother does exempt a man from making minimal contributions to supporting his own child?

DemonicCaveMaggot · 18/07/2023 16:25

The 300 or 400 a month you would be claiming is likely a lot less than the father of your child would have to pay in childcare fees and general running costs, not to mention having to give up having one night stands in order to look after his child.

Museya15 · 18/07/2023 16:26

Be careful if you are claiming any kind of benefit when it comes to the CSA as what he pays just gets deducted from your money. I live on a housing estate with lots of lone parents who will tell you never to tell the CSA and just take back hand payments from the father or mother.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 18/07/2023 16:27

Definitely claim for DS
He hasn't stepped up, and that's morally( and legally obv)
Even if he does offer, I wouldn't rely on him paying.

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 16:28

Lorieandrews · 18/07/2023 16:18

You slept with him. Did the most intimate things with him, had a baby with him

yet feel too uncomfortable to have him at your house and vice versa…..

Yes because I don’t know him! And plus, when we do meet he always says how good I look and he takes photos of me without me knowing. It’s weird.
I think he would defo try something if at either of our homes and I don’t want that, especially in front of my son it’s not a good example.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 18/07/2023 16:29

https://www.manchester.gov.uk/info/200010/births/8446/amending_registered_details_at_birth_including_parent_details/2

Op can re register birth if she decides to add him and he’s willing to be added.

Or he can apply to court for a declaration of parentage and be added that way. Probably unlikely as it would cost money.

You are also legally required to re register the birth if parents of child later marry.

Re-registering and changing parent details | Amending registered details at birth including parent details | Manchester City Council

Find out what corrections can be made and the fees associated

https://www.manchester.gov.uk/info/200010/births/8446/amending_registered_details_at_birth_including_parent_details/2

empatheticpretzel · 18/07/2023 16:29

speak to him about it and then you'll find out whether claiming will sour things between you and if it does, you know what hes like then

toomuchlaundry · 18/07/2023 16:31

@Museya15 I don't think that is correct, CSA is separate from benefits received as CSA is for the child

SpainToday · 18/07/2023 16:32

Sorry to sound dense - but as the father is not on the birth certificate, can the OP still pursue him for maintenance?

Dixiechickonhols · 18/07/2023 16:35

SpainToday · 18/07/2023 16:32

Sorry to sound dense - but as the father is not on the birth certificate, can the OP still pursue him for maintenance?

Yes.
If he disputes he’s dad he’d need a dna test.

Museya15 · 18/07/2023 16:37

toomuchlaundry · 18/07/2023 16:31

@Museya15 I don't think that is correct, CSA is separate from benefits received as CSA is for the child

I don't know how it works if I'm honest, I just know what women in my circle say, if you claim housing benefit, they will take £300 say off your housing benefit then give you £300 of what the father pays. That's why they don't tell CSA who the father is and they don't put it on birth certificate either

Keykat · 18/07/2023 16:38

Just keep in mind that he is building a house in another country, so there is a chance that he will move off to that place and leave all his "troubles" behind, and if that happens he may be untraceable.

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